A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.
The husband responded, “When we were first married, we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions, and my wife would make all the minor decisions.”
At which point the wife spoke up and said, “And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision” (www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor717.htm).
Their first and last major decision together was whether or not they should get married. And really, after that, there are not too many major decisions left.
Think about it. In our society, people make most of the major decisions of their lives between the ages of 15 and 25: What career to pursue? What college to attend? And most importantly, who to marry?
It hardly seems right that people so young should have to make such huge, life-changing decisions, but God has some wonderful guidance for our young people. There is a passage in the Bible addressed specifically to this age group. So if you’re there, or if you’re a parent or grandparent, a teacher or a coach, or just a friend helping somebody else who is there, I invite you to turn with me to 1 Corinthians 7, 1 Corinthians 7, where God addresses those not yet married.
1 Corinthians 7:25 Now concerning the betrothed [literally the virgins, i.e., those not yet married], I have no command from the Lord [I.e., Jesus Himself didn’t address this issue when he was on the earth.] But I give my judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy (ESV).
In other words, even though Jesus didn’t specifically address this issue, I have some trustworthy advice from God Himself
1 Corinthians 7:26-28 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are [i.e., unmarried]. Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles [or pressure] in this life, and I want to spare you this (ESV).
When a person is thinking about getting married, there are five (5) questions he or she should consider, and the first is this…
IS NOW THE RIGHT TIME?
Is this the best time to get married, or should I wait?
You see, according to verse 26, the believers in Corinth were in a time of distress. Literally, they were under a lot of pressure. Now, we don’t know the exact nature of their crisis, but we do know that the first century church faced many waves of persecution. Nero was the emperor back then, and he hated Christians. He blamed them for the empire’s problems, and he delighted in setting them on fire as live torches for his gardens. It’s not really a good time to get married.
So today, when your life is in turmoil, it is not a good time to get married. Marriage is not for those in trouble. Marriage is not for those with problems, because it only adds a whole new set of problems to the ones you already have.
In his book Becoming a King, consultant Morgan Snyder writes about meeting a decorated U.S. special forces warrior who was a master on the battlefield but who struggled at home. The soldier said, “I can handle any firefight and a 300-hundred-man ambush, no problem. My role and objectives in war are clear. It is my life at home I can’t handle—my marriage, my kids, my mortgage. I’m failing. I feel like I live in Afghanistan, and I’m deployed to my home in Texas.”
Morgan Snyder comments: “Nothing to expose more of the unfinished places in us than our marriage and parenting. Marriage and home life are the most difficult relationships in which to love well, because they are the only place in which it is least possible to hide” (Morgan Snyder, Becoming a King, Thomas Nelson, 2020, page 158; www.PreachingToday.com).
Paul is right: “Those who marry will have worldly troubles.” Marriage exposes the unfinished places. So don’t look to marriage to solve your problems. If anything, marriage reveals the problems and adds more problems to your life.
Some time ago, David Letterman was interviewing an actor on late-night television, when he said to the actor, “Tell me, you're a sex symbol who plays all sorts of exciting roles with gorgeous women. How does that compare to your real life, off-screen?”
The actor reminded Letterman that he had been happily married for 20 years. Then he said, “Here's the difference in a nutshell. In the movies, life is mostly about sex and occasionally about children. Married life is mostly about children and occasionally about sex” (Philip Yancey, “Holy Sex: How It Ravishes Our Souls,” Christianity Today, October 2003; www.PreachingToday.com).
There are responsibilities that come with marriage, children to raise, problems to solve, and pressures with which to deal. Sure, there is some fun! But there is a whole lot more responsibility. That’s why marriage is not for those with problems, looking for an escape. Marriage is not for those who are empty, looking to be filled. Marriage is not for the emotionally needy, having to TAKE from the relationship. Marriage is for those who are emotionally healthy, ready to GIVE to the relationship. So…
If you’ve got problems, work them out BEFORE you get married. If you’ve got issues, resolve them BEFORE you take the plunge. For then, and only then, will you be able to deal with the issues and problems that marriage brings to the table.
If you are thinking about getting married, 1st ask yourself, “Is this the right time?” Then 2nd, ask yourself…
IS THIS THE BEST USE OF MY TIME?
Will getting married help or hinder me in the cause of Christ? Will it make me more or less effective in pursuing eternal objectives?
1 Corinthians 7:29-31 What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away (ESV).
We don’t have a lot of time, my friends. Times of trouble remind us that time is short, and life is fleeting. You don’t straighten deck chairs on a sinking ship; you get people into the lifeboats. You don’t re-arrange the furniture in a burning house; you get the people to safety.
We don’t have time for busywork. We don’t have time for trivial matters. We don’t have time for the things of this world. Instead, we must focus on eternal matters, like leading people to faith in Christ, bringing glory to God and building His Kingdom.
Jim and Elizabeth met and fell in love while they were students at Wheaton College in the late 40’s. There was only one problem. God had called Jim to work as a jungle missionary. Older missionaries had told him that single men were needed to do jobs married ones could never do. There were some areas where women could not go. Jim took their word for it and committed himself to bachelorhood for as long as the will of God required.
This meant saying, “Goodbye,” to Elizabeth at graduation in 1948, not knowing if they would ever see each other again. It was not the right time for him to get married, because He felt God was calling him to other, more important things.
Four years later, in 1952, Jim sailed to Ecuador to work with the Quichua Indians in the east. Elizabeth, later that year, ended up in the same country, working with the Colorado Indians in the west. A year later, in 1953, they met in Quito where they were engaged, because marriage was no longer a detour from God’s plan for either of their lives. Then, it was the right time for them to be married.
This, of course, is the story of Jim and Elizabeth Elliot, who together became missionaries to the Waudani Indians of Ecuador. Jim was killed by those same Indians just a little more than two years after they were married (Elizabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity, pp.12-13, 50; www.PreachingToday.com).
“A waste,” some would say. Oh no! Jim knew that life was short, so he committed it wholeheartedly to doing God’s will. There are many believers among those Indians today, and God used Jim’s death to spark a world-wide missionary movement that is still reaching people today.
You see, that’s what the Christian life is all about—multiplying disciples of Christ who love God and people, not getting married and “living happily ever after.” So if you’re a Christian contemplating marriage, you have to ask yourself, “Will this marriage help me accomplish eternal objectives?” If so, then go for it! But if this marriage will take you away from pursing eternal objectives, then put it on hold. Life is way too short to waste it on temporal matters.
If you are thinking about getting married, 1st, ask yourself, “Is this the right time?” 2nd, ask yourself, “Is this the best use of my time.” 3rd, ask yourself…
CAN I PLEASE GOD AND MY POTENTIAL SPOUSE AT THE SAME TIME?
Will my marriage be a distraction from serving God or a help? Will I be able to give undivided devotion to the Lord or will it take away from my devotion to the lord?
1 Corinthians 7:32-34 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband (ESV).
A believer who gets married has two concerns—pleasing God and pleasing his or her spouse. Now, if the spouse is concerned about things of the Lord, then that’s easy. If you please the Lord, then you please your spouse at the same time, because that’s what he or she wants. But if your spouse is NOT concerned about the things of the Lord, then pleasing the Lord and pleasing your spouse at the same time will be next to impossible, because the Lord and your spouse will have different concerns.
1 Corinthians 7:35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord (ESV).
We all should live in “undivided devotion” to the Lord. But that’s only possible if our spouses are also committed to the Lord.
So if you’re thinking about getting married, make sure your future spouse is AS committed or MORE committed to Christ than you are. Don’t be dating unbelievers. Don’t be getting into serious relationships with those who are lukewarm in their commitment to Christ. Otherwise, you’re going to have a tough time living for the Lord.
Evangelistic dating rarely, if ever, works. You are NOT going to influence your unbelieving fiancé towards Christ. If anything, he or she will influence you away from Christ.
That’s what happened to Olivia Langdon. She was a believer who grew up in a Christian home, but she fell in love with Mark Twain, at best an agnostic. She thought she could win him to faith in Christ, and he pretended to become a believer just so he could marry her. But right after they were married, according to one scholar, “His 'religious' feelings at that time, expressed in love letters to Olivia, disappeared” (www.yorku.ca/ twainweb/filelist/skeptic.html).
After the wedding, Twain ridiculed Olivia's beliefs and devotion. Soon her optimism began to fade, and her fervent faith cooled. Eventually, she gave up her faith altogether, and a deep depression set in. Mark Twain loved her, and he never meant to hurt her, but he had broken her spirit. He told her, “Livy, if it comforts you to lean on your faith, do so.”
But she replied sadly, “I cannot. I do not have any faith left.”
Twain often wished he could restore Olivia's faith, hope, and optimism, but he never could (Susan K. Harris, “The Courtship of Olivia Langdon and Mark Twain,” Cambridge Studies in American Literature and Culture; www.PreachingToday.com).
If you’re thinking about marrying an unbeliever, don’t. In 20 years of ministry, I’ve never seen those unions work. The believer ALWAYS ends up in turmoil, trying to please God and their spouse at the same time. Believe me. It will not be easy to win your unbelieving spouse to the Lord after you get married. If anything, he or she will win you away from the Lord.
If you are thinking about getting married, there are some very important questions you need to ask yourself. 1st, Is this the right time to get married? 2nd, Is this the best use of my time? 3rd, Can I please God and my potential spouse at the same time? And 4th…
IS THIS MY TIME?
Is getting married really what I want to do, or am I being pressured into it? Am I doing it because I want to or because I feel I have to?
1 Corinthians 7:36-38 If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better (ESV).
The point is: you don’t have to get married if you don’t want to. You are under no compulsion. Married people are not better people. In fact, it may be better NOT to marry. If you are thinking about getting married, do it only because that’s what you really want to do. Don’t do it simply because that’s what’s expected of you.
Our society, in subtle ways or not so subtly, communicates the message that singles are incomplete individuals, that singles have some unfinished business. We say in groups and in private conversations, "Aren't you married yet?" "What's a nice girl like you doing unmarried?" "What you need is a good wife." "Found anybody to date yet?" "I'm praying the Lord will lead you to a good guy." "It's too bad he's not married."
Parents say that; relatives say that; even Christians say that. You see it in books and articles written from supposedly a Christian viewpoint: “If you will only commit your life to Christ, God will give you a marriage partner.” The only problem is, Christ never said that. He said he will lead you to a life of meaning and purpose and fulfillment. He never said he would give you a spouse. He's more concerned about other things.
So we, as parents and grandparents, we, as the church, need to accept the legitimacy of singleness, even its advantages, so we’re not forcing our young people to get married against their will (Howard Vanderwell, “Christian Singles,” Preaching Today, Tape No. 99; www.PreachingToday.com).
And if you’re thinking about getting married yourself, don’t do it if you’re feeling pressured into it. Do it, only because that’s what you really want to do.
There are some important questions you need to ask yourself if you are thinking about getting married. 1st, Is this the right time? 2nd, Is this the best use of my time? 3rd, Can I please God and my future spouse at the same time? 4th, Is this my time? And finally, the last question you need to ask yourself, if you’re thinking about getting married…
IS THIS FOR ALL TIME?
Am I willing to commit to this relationship for life? Am I in it for the long haul, “’til death do us part,” or just until things don’t work out anymore?
1 Corinthians 7:39-40 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God (ESV).
Marriage is a binding relationship, the chords of which can be cut only by death. Therefore, if you are not ready to enter into a permanent relationship, you are not ready to get married. A lifelong commitment is at the foundation of every successful marriage. Anything less guarantees failure.
You cannot get married with the idea, “If it doesn’t work out, I’ll just get out.” NO! You have to get married with the idea, “We’ll make it work no matter what.” Remove the word, “divorce,” from your vocabulary; otherwise, your marriage will never work.
In the book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas writes about some trees in Washington State's northern Cascades that are hundreds of years old. One tree in particular is 700 years old. Typically, forests experience damaging fires every 50 to 60 years. The reason the trees in the North Cascades live so long is because the drenching rains protect them from forest fires caused by lightning strikes. Thomas writes:
“I think that's a good picture of a marriage that is based on the ministry of reconciliation. Strong Christian marriages will still be struck by lightning – sexual temptation, communication problems, frustrations, unrealized expectations – but if the marriages are heavily watered with an unwavering commitment to please God above everything else, the conditions won't be ripe for a devastating fire to follow the lightning strike.
Thomas notes there were hundreds of trees in the forest, but the National Service put a sign in front of the 700-year-old tree because “it had survived seven centuries. It had simply gone the distance, and in so doing, it commanded attention” (Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage, Zondervan, 2000, pp. 36-37; www.PreachingToday.com).
Are you ready to “go the distance?” Then, and only then, are you ready to get married. Because, believe you me, over the years, your marriage will take some “hits.” And the only thing that will keep you together is your commitment to God and your commitment to each other. Without a lifetime commitment, your marriage is doomed to failure.
So if you are thinking about getting married, ask yourself, “Is it time?” Is it the right time? Is it the best use of my time? Can I please God and my potential spouse at the same time? Is it my time? And is it for all time? If you cannot answer all these questions with a resounding “Yes,” then it is NOT time for you to get married. Instead, wait until you can honestly say, “Yes.” Then your marriage will be a joy and not a burden.
Someone once said that when the wedding march begins, a bride sees three things—the aisle, the altar, and him—and from that time on her motto is: “I'll alter him” (Bob Russell, Take Comfort: Encouraging Words from Second Corinthians, 1991, pp. 91-92)
Don’t get into marriage with that attitude. It will never work. Instead focus on BEING the right person more than FINDING the right person. It’s the only way to go.
