Sonja Ely, of Dallas, Oregon, was watching her 5-year-old granddaughter Christy play with her dolls. At one point, Christy “staged” a wedding, first playing the role of the bride's mother who assigned specific duties, then suddenly becoming the bride with her “teddy bear” groom.
She picked him up and said to the “minister” presiding over the wedding, “Now you can read us our rights.” Without missing a beat, Christy became the minister who said, “You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride” (Sonja R. Ely, Dallas, Oregon, “Rolling Down the Aisle,” Christian Reader; www.PreachingToday.com).
That little girl understood better than most that romantic weddings can soon degenerate into the realistic workings of marriage.
Arthur Brooks, a researcher writing for The Atlantic, says, “Passionate love, which relies on attraction, does not typically last beyond the novelty of the relationship (Arthur C. Brooks, “The Type of Love that Makes People Happiest,” The Atlantic, 2-11-21; www.PreachingToday.com).
So what do you do when the passion wears off? What do you do when the romance is gone? Well, if you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to 1 Corinthians 7, 1 Corinthians 7, where God tells you what to do.
1 Corinthians 7:10-11 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife (ESV).
This is what Jesus told his followers in the Gospels. In Matthew 19 and Mark 10, Jesus said, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:11-12). Paul just mimics Jesus when he prohibits divorce. So when the romance is gone…
STAY MARRIED.
Remain committed to your mate, and remove divorce from your vocabulary. Reject the idea of divorce even if your spouse is an unbeliever.
1 Corinthians 7:12-13 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him (ESV).
Now, Jesus did not address this situation in the Gospels, but the principle still holds—STAY MARRIED! Stay married even if your spouse is an unbeliever.
Some couples are already married when one of them becomes a Christian. That puts them in a spiritually mixed marriage, where one of them is committed to Christ and the other is committed to the ways of this world. That puts them at odds with each other. It creates the potential for a lot of conflict. Even so, God says don’t divorce. Stay married. Remain committed to your spouse.
In the novel Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, an older man named Dr. Iannis tells his daughter about his love for his late wife. He says that at first love “erupts like a volcano” but then it subsides. “And when it subsides,” he continues, “you have to make a decision. Do you want real love or just being ‘in love?’”
Then he gives this definition for true marital love: “[Real] love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away… Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches, we found we were one tree and not two” (David Brooks, The Second Mountain, Random House, 2020, page 45; www.PreachingToday.com).
When the romance fades, you have a decision to make. Choose real love over being “in love.” Remain committed to your spouse until the two of you become one underneath the surface.
In his book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas writes:
If we are serious about pursuing spiritual growth through marriage, we must convince ourselves to refrain from asking the spiritually dangerous question: “Did I marry the right person?”
A far better alternative to questioning one's choice is to learn how to live with one's choice. A character in the Anne Tyler novel A Patchwork Planet comes to realize this too late. The book's 32-year-old narrator has gone through a divorce and now works at an occupation that has him relating almost exclusively with elderly people. As he observes their long-standing marriages, he comes to a profound understanding:
I was beginning to suspect that it made no difference whether they'd married the right person. Finally, you're just with who you're with. You've signed on with her, put in half a century with her, grown to know her as well as you know yourself or even better, and she's become the right person. Or the only person, might be more to the point (Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage Zondervan, 2000, p. 124; www.PreachingToday.com).
Even if you married the “wrong person,” that person becomes the “right person” and the “only person” for you if you remain committed to him or her.
It’s like the lilac bushes that bloom so beautifully in the spring. When they are bare and brittle during the winter, you don’t pull them out, so you can plant new ones each spring. No! You live through the dormant period, and in the spring the lilac bushes have not only grown, but they bloom more beautifully than ever before!
C. S. Lewis talked about periods of “death” as well as “resurrection” in a marriage. And he attributed so much divorce among Christians to their not waiting out that “deadly period”— the winter months of a marriage—until the spring, or resurrection arrives (Bill Brown, “Together Each Day,” Marriage Partnership, Vol. 5, no. 6; www.PreachingToday.com).
When the romance is gone in a marriage, don’t pull out! Instead, wait out the winter months until the spring arrives. For the spring WILL come again, and your marriage WILL bloom more beautifully than ever before, but only if you remain committed to each other.
While imprisoned by the Nazis in Tegal Prison's Cell 92, Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote a beautiful sermon for the wedding of his niece and his friend (Eberhard Bethge). Bonhoeffer never had a chance to preach the wedding sermon, but this line has continued to challenge and bless many young couples: “Today you are young and very much in love and you think that your love will sustain your marriage. It won't. But your marriage can sustain your love!” (Eric Metaxas, Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy, Thomas Nelson, 2011, page 458; www.PreachingToday.com).
So remain committed to each other even when the romance fades. Stay married and work it out until the spring comes again. But don’t just grin and bear it. During those times, choose to…
BE A CHANNEL OF GOD’S GRACE TO YOUR FAMILY.
Let God bless your family through you. Let God bring special favors to your family because of you.
1 Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy (ESV).
One believer in the family makes the whole family holy. I.e., he or she sets it apart for special treatment by God.
In Genesis 30:27, Laban says to Jacob, “The Lord has blessed me because of you.” Jacob was God’s man, and even though he spent some time in a pagan household, Laban’s household, Laban came to realize that he was blessed to have Jacob around. And that’s the way it was with Joseph, the son of Jacob. He ended up as a slave in an Egyptian home, but Genesis 39:5 says, “The Lord blessed the household of the Egyptian because of Joseph.” God’s people bring God’s blessing to their homes, whether or not everyone in that home is a Christian.
Tell me, what do you bring to your home? Are you a channel of God’s blessing? Could your spouse or your children say, like Laban, “The Lord has blessed me because of you?”
They won’t be able to say it if you leave. The tragic fact is divorce is devastating to children.
Study after study confirms what Judith Wallerstein said in her book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: “At least where the children's welfare is concerned, a lousy marriage beats a great divorce.”
She writes, “Children in post-divorce families do not, on the whole, look happier, healthier, or more well adjusted even if one or both parents are happier.
“National studies show that children from divorced and remarried families are more aggressive toward their parents and teachers. They experience more depression, have more learning difficulties, and suffer from more problems with peers than children from intact families…” (Judith Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, Hyperion, 2000).
If any of you are seriously thinking about divorce, DON’T! Because “divorce, as a cure, is far worse than the disease” (Diane Medved, “The Case Against Divorce,” Marriage Partnership, Vol. 8, no. 2; www.PreachingToday.com).
Instead, when the romance is gone, choose to stay married, and choose to be a channel of God’s blessing to your family. Skip down to verse 16.
1 Corinthians 7:16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (ESV)
How do you know whether or not you will be the instrument God uses to bring your spouse to saving faith in Christ? One believer in the family can be the means of salvation for the entire family. 1 Peter 3 says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1-2).
God can use a godly wife. God can use a godly husband to win an ungodly spouse to Christ. And did you notice, He does it “without a word?” You don’t win your spouse over by nagging and criticizing. You win him over by your “behavior.”
So when the romance is gone, set aside the criticism and be a channel of God’s blessing to your mate.
A woman who wishes to remain anonymous was 49 years old when she met Christ and had been married to her husband for 17 years. They had two children and a quiet suburban life. They had built a life that was comfortable and expected by their respective families. But she knew at that moment that everything about her life was going to change. And, if she was to be obedient and follow Christ, she could most definitely lose it all—her marriage, her life the way she knew it, her friends, her family.
She writes, “Becoming a Christian was new life for me—a joy and an answer to a life with no real meaning. But becoming a Christian also meant that there was a definite possibility that my husband would cease to love me. How could I know he would stay with me if I was so thoroughly a new person? How could I know that my husband, who was not a believer, would value his vows? I was extremely afraid. At times, I didn't want to have this new life. Honestly, I didn't think it was worth it—I wanted to give it back to God. I wanted to run the other way.”
Her husband despised what he called “those religious types.” His wife was now one of them.
She weighed her devotion for Christ against her devotion to her kids and family. She asked whether a broken marriage with Christ was better than a marriage without Christ. But gradually, she says, “Christ's words became my words, His love filled me and poured out of me, and I was able to love the man who called me his enemy. I found that I could love my husband with a resolve I had never before experienced.”
In the year and a half that followed, many blessings were bestowed upon her family. “It may not be apparent to my husband,” she says, “but our marriage is very different because of Christ. Christ is at the center and is shaping our partnership in a very new and distinctly Christian way. Additionally,” she says, “my husband has changed dramatically from the man he was two years ago. He told me I should go ahead and attend church and gave me his blessing.” Her children began going to youth group, and now both of her children are worshiping with her weekly. And when she asked her husband if he would support her and their daughter to be a part of a missions trip to Mexico, he responded with, “We will make it happen.”
She says, “I have entrusted my husband into Christ's care. I am okay with that. I have learned many lessons in this past year and a half, but none so much as loving and trusting my Lord” (Anonymous, northern Illinois; www.PreachingToday.com).
You do the same! Entrust your spouse into Christ’s care. Trust the Lord in this. Stay married and be a channel of God’s grace to your family. Finally, when the romance is gone, choose to…
SET YOUR SPOUSE FREE.
Let him go if he chooses to leave. Let her go if she wants out.
1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace (ESV).
Release the unbelieving spouse who wants out, and release yourself from the obligation to stay married to the unbeliever, who has abandoned the relationship.
This includes an abusive spouse. He or she clearly demonstrates an unbelieving heart, and he or she has clearly abandoned the relationship. Set yourself free from such a person, and set your unbelieving spouse free if he or she wants out of the marriage.
This is really important, because good Christian people, who try to save their marriages at all costs, end up driving their unbelieving mates further away.
The point is: Don’t drive the unbeliever out, but don’t put chains on him or her either. Let him go. Set her free. You are not enslaved to the relationship in this circumstance. Rather, God has called you to peace or tranquility.
There was a Swedish man, whose wife filed for divorce. In response, he cashed in all their investments—worth $81,300—and burned the cash. There was nothing left for him or her but a pile of ashes (“Heartbroken by Divorce, Man Burns Family Assets,” Reuters, posted 1-23-??).
Divorce can get so ugly sometimes. Don’t let it happen to you. Don’t fight your spouse if he or she wants to leave. Set them free. Who knows? Your spouse might just come back.
Suleyman Guresci, of Izmir, Turkey, divorced his wife of 21 years after a bitter six-year court battle. In an effort to find the ideal woman, Guresci turned to a computer dating service—the kind that evaluates your written profile and suggests matches for you. From a list of 2,000 prospective brides, the computer selected his former wife, who (unbeknownst to Guresci) had signed up for the same service.
Guresci's response? He decided to remarry his wife just nine months after their divorce.
He said, “I did not know that my ex-wife had been the ideal counterpart for a marriage. I decided to give it another try by being more tolerant toward her” (Raymond McHenry, Stories for the Soul, p.176; www.PreachingToday.com).
Sometimes people don’t know how good they have it until it’s gone. So let your unbelieving spouse go if he or she wants to leave. It may be the only way you get him or her back.
When the romance is gone from your marriage, stay married and be a channel of blessing to your family. However, set your unbelieving spouse free if he or she wants out.
After all, that’s the way Jesus treats you and me. The Bible says, “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
Then once we commit ourselves to Him, the Bible says “that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).
Jesus remains committed to us no matter what, even if our commitment to Him wanes. Look to Him to have that same commitment to your spouse.
Author and business leader, Fred Smith, talks about a time when he was at a doughnut shop in Grand Saline, Texas. There was a young farm couple sitting at the table next to his. The man was wearing overalls and his wife a gingham dress.
After finishing their doughnuts, he got up to pay the bill, but she didn't get up to follow him. Then he came back and stood in front of her.
She put her arms around his neck, and he lifted her up, revealing that she was wearing a full-body brace. He lifted her out of her chair and backed out the front door to the pickup truck, with her hanging from his neck. As he gently put her into the truck, everyone in the shop watched. No one said anything until a waitress remarked, almost reverently, “He took his vows seriously” (Leadership, Vol. 16, no.1).
When the romance is gone, that’s the time to take your vows seriously: “For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”
