NOTES
THE LANGUAGE OF MARRIAGE SERIES – Part 1
Dr. Tom Bartlett
May 15, 2022
Matthew 12:25 (NLT) 25Jesus knew their thoughts and replied, “Any kingdom divided by civil war is doomed. A town or family splintered by feuding will fall apart.”
Typical Problem Areas in Marriage
· Communication
· Intimacy
· Money
· In-laws
· Children
Tackling the Problem Areas without Attacking Each Other By:
Adjusting your communication style
Ephesians 4:29 (KJV) Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
“Communication” – originally from the verb, “to share”
Ephesians 5:1-2 (NLT) Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. 2Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.
Colossians 3:19 (NLT) 19Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.
Speaking words of thanks to achieve intimacy
Ephesians 5:3-4 (NLT) Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. 4Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God.
Intimacy – “into – me – you – see”
Ephesians 5:31–33 (NLT) 31As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 2:16–18 (NLT) 16Together as one body, Christ reconciled both groups to God by means of his death on the cross, and our hostility toward each other was put to death. 17He brought this Good News of peace to you Gentiles who were far away from him, and peace to the Jews who were near. 18Now all of us can come to the Father through the same Holy Spirit because of what Christ has done for us.
Voicing my worship to God not greed
Ephesians 5:5 (NLT) 5You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.
Ephesians 4:28 (NLT) If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need.
Teaching obedience while I model submission
Ephesians 5:21 (NLT) And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 6:1–4 (NLT) Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 2“Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” 4Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
Next Step: Today I begin attacking the problem and not the person.
MANUSCRIPT
THE LANGUAGE OF MARRIAGE SERIES – Part 1
Dr. Tom Bartlett
May 15, 2022
Good morning and welcome to the Celebration! I’m Tom Bartlett, one of the pastors here. I want to welcome you to a new series starting today called, The language of love.
Maybe you’ve heard of Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. Now, we’re not talking about that book or its content in this series, however, I do highly recommend the book!
In this series, we will focus on a common language and getting on the same page when it comes to marriage, which BTW has implications for all relationships.
Now, in marriage, many words are said, and it seems at times, few are understood. For instance, when he says,
“Can I help with dinner?” What he means is, “is the food ready yet?
When she says, “nothing”, to the question, “what’s wrong?”, what she really means is, “it’s very complicated but you did something a few weeks ago, (which he probably is oblivious to), but I’m not going to tell you, because if you truly loved me, you’d figure it out!”
Now, I may be exaggerating a little, but we all know that understanding in any relationship is vital. Because the smallest of leaks can bring down a big ship, a tiny crack can lead to the floodgates crumbling.
Jesus gave some advice to the religious types that were trying to upend Him. They accused Him of working with Satan, and Jesus makes a statement that is so true and applicable to relationships.
Matthew 12:25 (NLT) 25Jesus knew their thoughts and replied, “Any kingdom divided by civil war is doomed. A town or family splintered by feuding will fall apart.”
The word “feuding” there is the Greek word, merizo and it means to divide out, such as in portioning out goods. In a marriage, the implication is the division that comes from two people who are not on the same page, heading in the same direction, or speaking the same language is like sending off all your resources in different directions.
Now, as a pastor for most of my life, I’ve noticed in marriage relationships that 5 key areas tend to be the places of feuding or division in the marriage, they are. . .
Typical Problem Areas in Marriage
· Communication
This is the number one need in a woman’s life, typically. To speak and to be heard.
Often, we listen not to hear, but to respond. Many times, we’ve formulated a response in our heads before we’ve heard or understood what’s being said.
· Intimacy
Sexual and emotional intimacy. This is the number one need in a man’s life, typically.
· Money
Oh, ya money because if you don’t have enough, it can create a lot of issues. Well, the fact is, the more you make, the more likely you are to be unfaithful to your spouse.
The issue isn’t the amount of money, it’s the amount of management!
· In-laws
In this group we have your parents, their parents and I now include former spouses and love interests. There’s a proper place for all relationships, but none of them should be placed over, before, or between the marriage relationship.
And one last area that couples tackle each other over is. . .
· Children
It’s important to get on the same page in discipline, the number of children you desire, and even the small things such as where will you spend holidays?
Now, my experience tells me that in premarital counseling, you can tackle many of the issues that will arise in marriage and deal with them in minutes. Issues that may take years inside the marriage, can be dealt with ahead of time. Don’t skip the pre-marital work!
So, what to do if we’re married? How do we deal with the barriers that want to come between us?
Well, this morning we will be looking at the words of Paul, the Apostle. Our focus will primarily be on the book of Ephesians where Paul lays out a look at the New Person we become in Christ. We will take his words and apply them to marriage and all other relationships. Our focus will be on chapter 5.
Tackling the Problem Areas without Attacking Each Other By:
Paul, like Jesus, talks about the words that come out of our mouths. Words are these things that we give life to by merely saying them. Some affirm, some hurt and many we wish we would have never birthed. Paul tells Christ-followers that if you’re going to attack the problem and not the person you start by,
Adjusting your communication style
Ephesians 4:29 (KJV) Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Paul is teaching people about the power of the tongue but he’s also teaching that the words that come from the mouth represent the heart.
The Bible says, “out of the heart, the mouth speaks” (LUKE 6:45) What’s truly in you, comes out!
You can change your life, by changing your thoughts with the help of Christ, and thereby change your words, your communication.
“Communication” – is originally from the verb, “to share”
In the word communication is the idea of community and relationship. Don’t let bad ideas become bad words and hurt your relationships, instead, he goes on to say a couple of verses down,
Ephesians 5:1-2 (NLT) Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. 2Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.
Don’t use “corrupt” or words of death, worthless, imitate God the author and giver of life. Let your words bring and give life. Follow the example of Christ, by choosing sacrifice.
You don’t have to say everything you think, did you know that?
“Well pastor, I just say it like it is!” Right, and that’s creating so much drama for you and lack of peace! Why not, instead, say it as it can be?
Instead of words that tear down, why not build up? Even God did this with Cain when he brought an improper offering in Genesis.
God said, “why do you look so down? If you do right, you will be accepted!” (GENESIS 4:6-8 paraphrase)
Maybe it’s time to adjust your communication style?
Paul says specifically to men who can tend to be harsh,
Colossians 3:19 (NLT) 19Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.
Here’s a little tip for adjusting communication styles,
In communication:
·
Men typically use logic and talk in facts
·
Women typically use emotion and talk about feelings
Men should insert “I feel” into the communication and women should insert, “I think” into the communication.
Proverbs 18:21 (NLT) The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.
OK, so we adjust our communication style to attack the problem not the person, now start,
Speaking words of thanks for achieving intimacy
The word intimacy has taken on a purely physical meaning these days, but it’s far more than that, however, in the marriage relationship, there is a physical component.
True intimacy is confidence on the deepest personal level with another person. How do you destroy confidence at the deepest level? You betray that confidence. That’s why an affair, physical or emotional is so damaging. Paul says,
Ephesians 5:3-4 (NLT) Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or
greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. 4Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God.
Thankfulness leads to intimacy; greed leads to division.
The communication and actions between believers should have boundaries. Even more so in the marriage relationship. Sexual immorality will destroy all confidence and repel you from true intimacy.
What happened to Adam and Eve when they sinned? Immediately the intimacy with God was lost and they no longer trusted Him or themselves.
Intimacy = “into – me – you – see”
Nothing should come between that special relationship between you and your spouse. Not another person, habit, or even parent!
Ephesians 5:31–33 (NLT) 31As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
This marriage relationship is a picture of the relationship Christ wants with us. It’s a powerful “oneness”. It’s also a picture collectively of the church and Christ.
Ephesians 2:16–18 (NLT) 16Together as one body, Christ reconciled both groups to God by means of his death on the cross, and our hostility toward each other was put to death. 17He brought this Good News of peace to you Gentiles who were far away from him, and peace to the Jews who were near. 18Now all of us can come to the Father through the same Holy Spirit because of what Christ has done for us.
The power to speak words of thanks is given by God’s Spirit placed within you. He provides the power when we yield to Him.
So, we adjust our communication, we speak thankfulness, and we begin,
Voicing my worship to God not greed
Materialism is the god of many people today. That’s what they worship. You might say,
worship? Materialism? Yes, think about it. Worship is what gets your attention, your time thoughts, energy, passion, and drive. Most people in this world live for something instead of some One! Paul says,
Ephesians 5:5 (NLT) 5You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.
Paul also says,
Ephesians 4:28 (NLT) If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need.
Look at the change that attitude changes, and the focus changes. Instead of getting, the focus changes to give.
A misreading of Philippians 4:19
Philippians 4:19 – God shall supply all your greed’s, according to His riches. . .
Finally, as we’re attacking the problems and not the person Paul leads us to the home. As leaders in the home, moms and dads must work at,
Teaching obedience while I model submission
Now, submission is this word that freaks people out, but marriage is a decision toward mutual submission.
Ephesians 5:21 (NLT) And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
So, the parents have this mutual submission to each other and from there they can teach the proper things to children in behavior by teaching them obedience.
The biggest issue in our homes today is the lack of two engaged parents, a mom, and a dad. Children need that balance, and the role of the father is vital.
Maturity is more “caught” than “taught”. They see you and they emulate you. That’s not to say that children don't still have rebellious attitudes and wayward thoughts still, they do and it’s your job to help them deal with it.
Children must learn to come under authority. If they disrespect the parents, they will disrespect the teacher and the police and their boss and on and on. . .
They become terrible employees, poor friends, and struggle in marriage.
So, Paul, wisely says to both children and parents, these words. . .
Ephesians 6:1–4 (NLT) Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 2“Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” 4Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
Now let’s look at these themes generally. Children need to learn obedience, and the parent must teach that. “Does that mean we spank, or use another form of discipline?”
The answer is that every child is different. For some children, you can beat the tar out of them, and they will laugh at you. For others, a stern look melts them. This is one of those areas that couples must agree on as soon as possible.
But here’s what these words simply mean,
“Obedience” – to simply do what is asked of you
If a child cannot or will not do what the parent asks, pick up their room, tell someone they are sorry, do their chores, be home on time, etc. The parent must work to bring that child under obedience for the good of the child and their future productivity in the world.
You set them up for failure when you always blame the teacher, you always rescue, and you always loose the consequences. Once they’re adults, you won’t be able to always rescue them, nor should you!
“Submission” – to agree with the mission and authority
You can make no progress in any group unless there is an agreed-upon objective. If you want to build a house and you have 12 different sub-contractors with all different ideas of what and how it should be done, you will have a disaster.
To “come under the mission” or submission means we’re working together for a common goal under an authority. In the home, the person that will answer to God for that family is the father. In the church, it’s the pastor.
Life is better when we’re together. Life gets really good when we attack the problem and not the people!
Gospel - submission to God’s authority
Pride is the issue. Have you ever agreed with God’s mission to rescue you? Have you ever said, I surrender, I submit to Him? The good news is that not only is He willing to protect you and save you, but He also wants to provide the very best things for you.
PRAYER OF SALVATION
PRAYER OF SUBMISSION
Next Step: Today I begin attacking the problem and not the person.
