Illus: When hurricane Andrew ripped across Florida, destroying everything in its path, the President sent the National Guard to help the victims of one of the worst tragedies of recent times in our nation. That was bad enough, but the next shock came when national news reported that one of the guardsmen who had been sent to help during that difficult time, killed three of the victims of hurricane Andrew.
WHAT A SHOCK THAT WAS TO THIS NATION!
What a terrible thing! Yet every day shocking things are happening.
One of these is the fact that couples, who have been married 20, 30, even 40 years, are heading for divorce courts. WHAT A SHOCK THAT IS TO US AS INDIVIDUALS.
We all recognize that because family values are not being taught, domestic problems rank highest in the number of problems we have. Our nation is bankrupt morally. Homes are filled with sin and hate. We must face up to this problem.
Illus: In many cases today, you would think the couple had been married by the Secretary of War instead of the Justice of the Peace.
What ever happened to the good old couples that loved each other and shared everything together?
Illus: This reminds me of the couple that did love each other dearly and they did share everything together. For example, one day they went to get something to eat at one of these almost fast-food restaurants. He ordered: One hamburger, one order of French fries, one drink and one extra cup. They took their order to the table and he very carefully cut the hamburger down the middle, and gave her half and gave himself half. He opened the French fries and very carefully counted them out and gave her one and than gave himself one until they came to the end, and one was left over. He very carefully broke it in half and kept half for himself and half for her. He then took the cup of cold drink he ordered and very carefully poured half of it into the other cup.
Then he began to eat his half while his wife sat with her hands in her lap smiling at him while he ate his half.
A man who saw all of this happening, told his wife, “Honey, that old couple in the corner can only afford to buy one meal. I am going to buy them an extra meal.” He went over to them and told them that he had seen they were dividing everything evenly and offered to buy them a meal so that they would not have to divide.
While the man was eating, the wife spoke up and said, “Oh no, do not buy us another meal. We have been married for sixty years and we share everything equally.” The man said, “But I noticed also, he is eating his meal while you sit there with your hands in your lap smiling at him while he eats. WHY IS THAT?” She said, “The reason he is eating and I am not eating is because he has the false teeth. When he is through with his meal it will be my turn to use them.”
We still have some of these old couples around, but there are not as many as there use to be it seems.
Part I of this series told us of some things from I Peter that are to help us in our marriage.
For example, Peter gave us (three things),
1. A WORD TO THE WISE.
2. A WORD TO THE WISE WIFE.
3. A WORD TO THE WISE HUSBAND.
Today we would like to turn our attention to the book of James to find more things that will help us in our marriages.
Every married couple has CONFRONTATIONS. If we do not learn how to handle these confrontations, we also might find ourselves headed for the divorce courts.
James suggests THREE THINGS we should be:
I. SWIFT TO HEAR
Look at verse 19, We read, "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear..." Among the things that are on the "endangered species" list should be "the listening ear."
In today's fast-paced society you do not find very many people who have trained themselves to listen. As a result, this causes problems that carry over into marriages. There can be no communication if people will not LISTEN TO EACH OTHER.
Illus: Psychologists that specialize in marriage counseling, tell us marriage partners only hear about 20% of what they are saying to each other. If that be true, and we have no reason to doubt that it is, is it any wonder we are having problems in our homes? A lot of assuming is taking place because we are not communicating.
Proverb 18:13 says, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”
If we are only hearing about 20% of what our mate is saying, and we are answering, it is foolishness on our part.
Illus: One large corporation takes prospective employees out to lunch. At that time the person being interviewed is observed to see if he passes several simple tests. The interviewer watches to see if the person being interviewed: 1. Salts his food before he tastes it. 2. Salts his food after he tastes it. 3. Does not salt his food at all.
If he does the last two, there is no problem, but if he salts his food before he tastes it that is a strike against him. Why? Because it shows he is not thinking about what he is doing. He has not tasted to see if the food needs salt or not, but yet he salts it.
God tells us it is not smart to give an answer before we hear the question and have had time to think about it. So we need to learn TO LISTEN!
Illus: One man said, "My wife goes around the house all day long talking to herself." A friend asked, “Does she know she's doing it?" The man said, "No, she thinks I am listening to her."
We need to learn to love with our EARS as well as with our EYES.
II. SLOW TO SPEAK.
Look at verse 19, again, We read, "Wherefore_ my beloved brethren, let every man be ... slow to speak..."
James tells us that our EARS can get us into trouble, and then he tells us our TONGUE can get us into trouble. Some are looking at me,thinking, “I didn’t know that!”
We have all heard, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” I don't know who said a dumb thing like that, but words can destroy a person.
James 3:8 says, “But the tongue ... is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison."
Far too many have used their tongues to literally destroy their mates.
Illus: We all have met men who had good wives, who used their tongue as a hatchet to cut their wife's self esteem, to the point of making her think she was the dumbest woman alive. We all have known women who had good husbands, but who would constantly use their tongues to cut their husbands down. Perhaps the woman who does this, feels that if she can make her husband feel like he is a worthless human being, then he would never try to leave her for another woman.
God never intended that we use our tongues as weapons against each other.
Illus: Winston Churchill always had a difficult time with Lady Astor. In fact, they would use their tongues as weapons against each other. One day she said, "If I were your wife I'd put arsenic in your tea." Churchill said, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would gladly drink it!"
Illus: On another occasion, Lady Astor said to Churchill, “Churchill, you are drunk!" Churchill said back, "Lady Astor, you are ugly! And tomorrow I will be sober, but you will still be ugly. "
Only God knows the damage that has been done, because of tongues that once spoke words of love and kindness, that are now turned into weapons of destruction. Only God knows the homes that have been destroyed because of the tongue. There are seven devastating games that many married couples play with their tongue. For example:
1. Some play “The Professor.”
That is, they take a superior attitude and talk down to their mate. When a couple is playing this game, you will hear them belittle each other, saying, “That's stupid, you need to get a brain transplant.”
Illus: A man told his wife one day, “I do not understand how God could make you so beautiful and so dumb at the same time." She said, “He made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, and dumb so I would be attracted to you!"
2. Some play "The judge.”
That is, they feel it is their duty to judge their partner and every situation that comes up, and once they have made their judgment, they then make a decision without even considering how their wives might contribute. Perhaps the reason us fellows cannot put any confidence in our wives' judgment, is because, after all, look who the wives married.
3. Some play "The psychologist.”
“One who does this will sit and try to analyze his mate, then the conversation might go like this, “Let me tell you why you said that," or, “Let me tell you why you think that way." Do not do that! Why? Because you most likely do not know.
4. Some play “The historian.”
Illus: One man said that every time his wife got upset, she got historical. A friend said, “You mean hysterical.” He said, "No, historical, she brings up everything I ever did wrong in the past."
Some actually have nothing better to do than to keep record. They can tell each other what mistakes they made ten years ago on June 1, at 2:05 P.M.
In fact, some husbands and wives have such good memories they can remember some things that never even happened.
5. Some play “Dictator.”
Their conversations are filled with ultimatums such as, "I demand..," or, “I will not allow that!”
Do you realize that many divorces have taken place because one partner makes a demand on the other, and the other is bound and determined, that he (she) will show her (him) that no one is going to tell him (her) what to do.
Ten years later both are saying, "I never would have gotten a divorce but he (she) made a demand upon me and I was determined to show him (her) I did not have to do it.
6. Some play "The critic.”
Those who indulge in this deadly game criticize each other and compare them to others.
Illus: One day a man asked his wife, “Why can't you cook biscuits like my mother?" She replied, "Why can't you bring home the dough like my dad did?"
7. Some play "The preacher”.
That is, they use the Word of God as a club to beat their mates with. The Bible was never meant to be a club to be used to destroy a marriage.
These are devastating games that many play in their marriages. James tells us we have to be careful how we use these EARS and we had better be equally careful how we use our TONGUES.
But he also tells us something else that will help us in our marriage.
III. SLOW TO WRATH.
Look at verse 19 again, We read, “Where, my beloved brethren, let every man be ... slow to wrath. "
James told us that our ears, and tongues can get us into trouble. Now he tells us that our TEMPERS can get us into trouble.
Many couples have never learned how to confront their problems. That is, they do not SOLVE or RESOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS. Instead, they DISOLVE THE MARRIAGE. God's Word warns us to "...be SLOW TO WRATH.'
Illus: Remember, "anger” is just one letter short of "danger."
Illus: Someone said, "When angry, count to ten before speaking. When very angry, count to one hundred and then don't speak."
The Word of God says, "Be ye angry and sin not.!"
Notice, God did not say we are not to ever get angry, He said that we are not to become angry and allow that anger to lead us to sin.
Why does God place within us the ability to get angry? Because, without the ability to become angry we could not be angry at sin.
Illus: If we had no ability to become angry, man could brutally kill an innocent woman and we would not be shocked! But with the ability to become angry, we do not casually overlook this evil crime. We get stirred from within and we say, "Something has to be done about this evil act!" Then we bring the criminal to justice.
Here is the problem. If we are not careful we can be stirred about something that we consider to be wrong and we will do something just as evil.
For example, to have a safe and orderly society we have to have laws that apply to everyone. When someone is killed we become angry, and we should! But, we all have heard about the days of the West when people would get so angry they would go out and hang someone before there was a trial, and often they would find out later they had hung the wrong person.
Often there is so much anger in a marriage that neither partner can handle right and they let it drive them to the divorce courts. Ten years later, they may have learned how to turn their anger into constructive action, and they will look back and realize what a terrible price they paid for their selfishness. God's Word says we are to be slow to anger. Why? Because anger will destroy a marriage!
Illus: Someone said, “For every minute you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."
Conclusion/summary: We often see couples celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. It is commendable that they stayed together, but often we wonder about those 50 years. How many were spent in misery and how many were spent happily together. They can be spent together happily IF we will obey God's Word. After all He knows what makes a successful marriage since He created it, we will be greatly helped if we will be...
I. SWIFT TO HEAR.
II. SLOW TO SPEAK.
III. SLOW TO WRATH.
