Today I want to share with you a message entitled, “5 Truths to a Great Marriage.” Almost every one of us can improve our marriages. Keep your Bibles open Ephesians, and we conclude our series When Two Become One this morning.
Thank you for joining us. Our hope is that this strengthens the marriages of our church and our community.
Today’s Scripture
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:25-33).
Marriage is often thought of as between two consenting adults and only those adults. Today, we think no one else has any say in a marriage. But the Bible says marriage is a covenant not just between the two people but with all of society. Your marriage matters to me, and my marriage matters to you.
Hardwired to Connect
A book called Hardwired to Connect was sponsored by Dartmouth Medical School. It was produced by 33 psychiatrists, doctors, sociologists from Duke, Harvard, and Dartmouth. It’s not a Democratic or Republican front organization but bipartisan. In the last forty years, the teenage suicide rate has gone up at least 300 percent, if not more. Sorry to bring up a depressing subject but stay with me for a moment. Teens are much more likely to take their own lives than teenagers in the 1950s.
Emile Durkheim said probably the greatest barometer of the health of the social fabric of a culture is its suicide rate. People commit suicide if they don’t feel they belong, if they’re not sure what their meaning in life is if they don’t know what their purpose is.
Here’s what the thirty-three experts found: if a child is raised with an intact family (in other words, with the same father and mother), it is 2 to 3 times less likely to have suicide attempts, drug addiction, problems with the law. If on top of that, believe it or not, you have a kid who goes weekly to a church or synagogue or mosque, some religious, moral community … … Teens who are in church or synagogue and have in intact families have about a 5 to 10 times better chance of avoiding those things. The empirical facts tell us that marriage isn’t just between two consenting adults, but it’s a part of the fabric of our society. If you say, “My marriage is my business,” then you’re not looking at the facts.
Christian Marriage
I want you to have a Christian marriage and not just a good marriage. Yes, non-Christians can enjoy marriage and can even have good marriages. But I am advocating not simply good marriages but Christian marriages. What is a Christian marriage? A Christian marriage is the permanent union of two born-again people of the opposite sex coming together in every way possible (intimately, emotionally, financially) for the purpose of radical oneness that is modeled in the Trinity and for the goal of encouraging and equipping one another for the time when each appears before Jesus.
Let’s uncover the biblical teaching on marriage.
1. God’s Design for Marriage
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25-27).
1.1 Five Verbs
Paul uses five verbs to indicate how Christ is committed to his bride, the church. He loved her, gave Himself up for her, to sanctify her, having cleansed her, that He might present her to Himself. Take note of those five verbs and highlight them in your Bible.
1.2 Christ’s Purpose for You
Pause with me and allow me to ask you a question … What’s Christ’s purpose when He comes into your life? What is He coming into your life to do? Christ comes to bring about change. He’s coming into our lives because we are spiritually twisted, blemished, and ugly, and he wants to make us spiritually brilliant and beautiful. Christ’s purpose is to do all five verbs in you. Again, take note of all five verbs. He wants to love you. He gives Himself up for you. He will sanctify you. He will cleanse you, He wants to present you, and eventually to show you off.
1.3 The Purpose of Marriage
Some singles will say, “I’m looking for somebody who will accept me for who I am, not try to change me.” You are not fine as you are. You are flawed. You have all kinds of problems. We don’t tell you your problems because we are being nice. You’re nowhere close to being the person God created you to be. When you understand that, then you begin to recognize what God says the purpose of marriage is and, therefore, what your spouse comes into your life to do.
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6). Men, your wife is seeing this verse and saying, “Yes, I will complete the good work I have begun in him” ?. No, Philippians 1:6 is God will complete the good work He has begun in you.
1.4 Marriage is a Gem Tumbler
Marriage is like a gem tumbler. It’s two rough stones put into a tumbler, and they tumble around. They knock the rough edges off each other. When they come out, they’re beautiful. But how did they get beautiful? Through knocking the rough edges off each other. Expect the clashes – don’t be shocked by it.
1.5 Churchill and Lady Aster
Winston Churchill and Lady Aster hated each other; they were both of the British Parliament. Lady Aster looked at Winston Churchill and said one day and said, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put arsenic in your tea.” Winston said, “Lady Aster if you were my wife, I’d drink it.” This is not a helpful conflict.
1.6 Scott and Traci
Traci and I complement one another because we are also different. Again, I don’t think Traci and me are the model marriage. I am grateful for our good marriage. We approach the tasks of life at different speeds. She will tell you that I make her tired.
Early on in our marriage, we had just moved to Fort Worth. I had this great date planned. We went to Six Flags for several hours, and then I took her to the Fort Worth Zoo. We laugh about it now. Really, either one of those would have been just fine, but somehow I thought I needed to do both. Both were too much, and she was really tired. We approach life at different speeds. Because she moves through life slower, she will catch things that I miss. I need her because of my tendency to get too much going on. I may not have completed the task well, or I may not have fully comprehended everything. Because she moves through life a little slower than me, she will catch nuances that I miss. We complement one another because we are different.
Again, marriage is a gem tumbler.
1. God’s Design for Marriage
2. Husbands, Love Yourself
“In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28).
2.1 Narcissism
Greek mythology tells of a beautiful young man who loved no one until one day he saw his own reflection in the water. It was then that he fell in love with his own reflection. He was so lovesick that he finally wasted away and died. According to the myth, he was turned into the flower that bears his name — Narcissus. Any man that loves himself like a narcissist revolts us. Yet, your Bible assumes you will love yourself. The Bible says a husband is to love his wife at the same level he loves himself.
“In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body” (Ephesians 5:28-30).
2.2 The Logic of Loving Your Wife
Husband, love your wife because when you do, it is like loving yourself. The Bible says when you love your wife, you because, in effect, it is loving yourself. She is like his own body. Christ loves the church is like Him loving Himself because we are part of His body. So there is a comparison here: a husband’s oneness with his wife is like Christ’s oneness with His church: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31). The reason a man’s love for his wife is like love to himself is that, in the beginning, God designed marriage so that a “one flesh” union would be created.
2.3 Love Your Wife
Let me share with you a brief but powerful story about the power of loving your wife, men. A missionary couple was assigned to a new area where the majority of the people were followers of Islam. As they sought a way into the culture to reach people with the gospel, few opportunities were opening up in the beginning. One thing that did eventually present itself was nine neighborhood ladies would gather for tea in the missionary couple’s new home. There was a mixture of religious beliefs, including Muslim, Taoist, and Buddhist, among the nine wives. As these ladies would gather to enjoy one another and visit with the missionary wife, the husband had little to do in the afternoon. So with nothing else to do, he served the women in the neighborhood. He brought more tea when it was needed and cleaned up the plates and the cups. In time, the Muslim ladies ask the Christian missionary wife to pray for their marriages. Because his actions were so different than the Muslim men, they asked how to pray to “the Christian God.” They wanted a husband that served like the Christian husband was serving. His service stood out and showed care for his wife that few wives had witnessed before. Get this: every one of those nine ladies is now a sister in Christ! And all but one of the husbands have come to Christ! They continue to actively serve the church, and the Lord has used them to reach many, many other neighbors to faith.
Husbands, you used to hold the door open for your wife. Now, she’s lucky to get in the car before you take off. The husband is the thermostat. Your wife is like the thermometer. Don’t expect a summer wife if you bring home winter weather.
There is so much tremendous power when you love your wife.
1. God’s Design for Marriage
2. Husbands, Love Yourself
3. The Promise of Future Love
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).
3.1 Glued Together
Ephesians 5:31 is quoting Genesis 2:24, where God instructs the First Couple, Adam and Eve, on marriage. God commands that the man “hold fast to his wife.” The word “hold fast” literally means to glue together. A man and woman coming together in such a close and intimate relationship that every aspect of their being is to be glued together — emotional, physical, and spiritual. Wedding vows are the promise of future love. Again, the words “hold fast” literally mean to be glued to something.
3.2 A Covenant
Marriage here is portrayed as a covenant. A covenant is a kind of bond that is rare today. A covenant is a durable, binding, and unconditional commitment. It’s not based on feeling or emotion. A marriage is based on a covenant; it’s not about being a consumer anymore. A covenant is how God relates to His children, His church. The heart of the biblical idea of marriage is a covenant.
3.2.1 Parent/Child Relationship
Think how different a parent’s relationship is with a child. If you have a child, you will find that the biblical pattern of love is forced on you. Your new child is the neediest human being you have ever met. She needs your care every second of the day, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. You make enormous sacrifices in your life, and yet the child, for a very long time, gives you nothing in return. And, while later the child can give you love and respect, never does she give you anything like what you have given her. Often older children go through long stretches during which they rebel and fall apart and need enormous investment from you and again give you nothing in return. But at every turn, whether or not they are giving to you, you give to them. After eighteen years of this, even if your child is an unattractive person to everyone else, you can’t help but love her dearly. Why? Because you’ve been forced to operate on the Biblical pattern. You have had to do the actions of love regardless of your feelings, and therefore now you have deep feelings of love for your child, however loveable she is or not.
3.2.2 Love Is More than an Emotion
Love is at its essence fundamentally more than an emotion. Love is an emotion but also an action, a commitment. Again, God commands that the husband “hold fast to his wife.” And the wife is commanded to stay glued to her husband.
3.3 The Promise of Future Love
Wedding vows are the promise of future love. The essence of marriage, then, is not a declaration of present love. To say, “I love you right now” is not marriage! You can tell someone, “I love you,” but it doesn’t make you married. Marriage happens when you say, “I will ALWAYS love you.” Again, marriage isn’t the declaration of present love, but it’s the binding promise of future love.
The playwright Thornton Wilder said it well: “I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I didn’t even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them — it was that promise.”
It’s this promise, the covenant that holds a couple together. My wife has been married to at least five different men since we were wed – and each one of the five has been me. This is what it means to “hold fast” to one another. This is a covenant love. Listen again to the vows of marriage:
“I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and I pledge my life to you.”
1. God’s Design for Marriage
2. Husbands, Love Yourself
3. The Promise of Future Love
4. Wives, Respect Your Husband
“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).
Have you noticed how the Bible says the wife’s role is described compared to the way the husband’s role is described? Have you noticed they are not identical? The Bible recognizes differences between the genders in marriage. Wives, respect your husbands. That’s his love language.
1. God’s Design for Marriage
2. Husbands, Love Yourself
3. The Promise of Future Love
4. Wives, Respect Your Husband
5. The Two Shall Become One Flesh
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:31-33).
Marriage is a mystery. There is more here than meets the eye. Marriage is completion in a profound sense.
5.1 Two Chemicals
You are no longer the same two people, but you’re a third entity. You’re a new compound, just like two chemicals come together. They interact, so they become the third kind of chemical. They’re not the same. You’ve intermingled in a profound way.
5.2 Sacrifice Bunt
In baseball, a batter is sometimes called upon to lay down a sacrificial bunt. The batter is up to the plate, and he wants to hit a home run over the fence. But he looks over to the third base coach and sees a sign that means lay down a sacrificial bunt. He thinks to himself, “I want to hit it over the fence,” but instead of doing what I want to do, I will sacrifice my homerun swing and just do a little bunt here in order to move the runner over. He sacrifices what he want to move somebody else ahead! That’s exactly what you do in marriage: you lay down a sacrificial bunt. You are willing to forego some of your desires in order to move your spouse to the next level of life.
