In the Bible, there are three human institutions that stand apart from all others — the family, the church, and the government. There’s nothing in the Bible about how a hospital or a school should be run, even though they are crucial to a flourishing society. There’s nothing there about business corporations or even museums. In fact, there are all sorts of great institutions and human enterprises that the Bible doesn’t address or regulate. But marriage is different. The Bible speaks specifically to the purpose of marriage and how a marriage can flourish. The Bible begins with the wedding of Adam and Eve, and the Bible ends in the book of Revelation with a wedding of Christ and the church. Marriage is God’s idea.
Today’s Scripture
“and submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, 23 because the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church—he himself being the savior of the body. 24 But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:21-24).
We love the idea of marriage in America. Every year, around two million people make the decision to spend the rest of their lives together by getting married. Think of this: seventeen tons of gold are made into wedding rings each year in the United States. Again, we love the idea of marriage in America. But oftentimes, the reality doesn’t match the dream. Men who kiss their wives in the morning are said to live five years longer than those who don’t. Many of us have longed for Camelot but arrived only at Calamity.
Years ago, country music artists Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn sang about marital conflict: “You’re the Reason Our Kids are Ugly.” There’s Mel Tillis’ “How Come Your Dog Don’t Bite Nobody But Me.” Deana Carter’s “Did I Shave My Legs for This?” And Miranda Lambert’s revenge song for a cheating husband, she laments there are no lash extensions and wax treatments in prison.
Let’s talk about the national trends of marriage for just a moment. Marriage is disappearing in our society, probably due to increased cynicism over lifelong married love. Did you know: 44% of children are raised by a single parent within 1 mile of our church.
The number of American adults over the age of 25 who have never been married is at an all-time high. In 1960, only 1 in 10 adults over the age of 25 was never married. While in 2012, the number of adults who’ve never married is now 1 in 5. And we are waiting longer to get married. In 1960, the average age for marriage was 20 for women and 23 for men. In 2012, the average age for marriage was 27 for women and 29 for men. 40% of new mothers are unmarried. Note this: half of all these unmarried couples are split up by the time their child is just five years old. These three trends sit right alongside our culture’s view that cohabitation is the training wheels for marriage. And around one of out of two couples live together without bothering to marry. “Everyone I know who’s gotten married quickly—and failed to live together [first]—has gotten divorced,” said one man told the people at Gallup survey. Despite the popularity of this thinking: “a substantial body of evidence indicates that those who live together before marriage are more likely to break up after marriage.”
Cohabitation is an understandable response from those who experienced their own parents’ painful divorces, but the facts indicate that the cure may be worse than the alleged disease. But get this: people who cohabit before marriage end up getting divorced at higher rates than those who do not cohabit before the wedding.
While scores of people do divorce, by far the greatest percentage of divorces happen to those who marry before the age of eighteen, who have dropped out of high school, and who have had a baby together before marrying. Do you want a successful long marriage? The secular research is in. If you are a reasonably well-educated person with a decent income, come from an intact family and are religious, and marry after 25 without having a baby first, your chances of divorce are low indeed.”
As we turn to the pages of Scripture, God gives us supernatural instruction for the challenge of marriage. Your vows take only about one minute to recite but a lifetime to live out.
1. The Holy Spirit and My Marriage
“and submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
“But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:24).
The Bible gives direction for distinct roles for a husband and a wife. The Bible calls on the husband to take the lead and the wife to follow his leadership. It tells the husbands to submit in verse 21 along with the wives, but then it tells the wives to submit in verse 22 all by themselves. The Bible says we are to submit to one another.
1.1 Three Kinds of People
There are at least three kinds of people here this morning. There are those who are believers in Christ, and there are those who don’t believe Jesus Christ is their Savior. But there are not just two kinds of people but three, and here’s why. Among the group who knows Christ as Savior and Lord, there is one group who are Spirit-filled believers, and there is another group that are not filled with the Holy Spirit.
How do I know if I am filled with the Holy Spirit? Some people are full of themselves, but a Christian is to be full of the Holy Spirit. In fact, take a moment to look at the logic of the passage with me as verse 21 flows down from verse 18: “And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit…” (Ephesians 5:18).
The Holy Spirit is the power for marriage.
1.2 The Holy Spirit AGEs You
When the Holy Spirit controls you and fills you, there are three marks or traits to look for:
1) you will sing (verse 19);
2) you will give thanks (verse 20);
3) you will submit to others (verse 21).
If I am filled with the Holy Spirit, it will AGE me. AGE is an acronym that stands for Attitude, God, and Everyone. When the Spirit of God fills you, he will change every part of you. A Spirit-filled life does something to your Attitude (verse 18), your relationship with Bod (verse 19), and your relationship with Everyone (verse 21).
1.2.1 Submit to One Another
The Bible says we are to submit to one another. A telltale trait that I am filled with the Spirit is when I submit to others. And my submission to you and your submission to me is a sign if the Holy Spirit is filling me. This is totally countercultural. Our hero’s never submit. We relish people to “stick to the man,” and we love slogans such as “power to the people.” Yet, the Bible teaches that the Spirit-filled Christian submits to others.
The picture of the Christian vision of marriage comes into focus when we realize that all that Paul says about marriage assumes we are being filled by the Holy Spirit. Marriage requires two people to be continually seeking the Holy Spirit to influence their daily decisions. The Holy Spirit is the power for marriage. When two people come together in a marriage having already settled the big questions in life – why they exist and their real value in Jesus Christ – there’s a supernatural fuel for marriage.
To go back to the acronym AGE, your marriage will benefit when each person is filled with the Spirit because you experience a supernatural heavenly love and peace from above. Earlier in Ephesians, Paul can pray that “the eyes of your heart be enlightened” (1:18), that they might “have power … to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ …” (3:17–18). Two Spirit-filled people are getting their tanks filled up only in a way God can do.
You’re never more like the devil than when you’re in rebellion, and you are never more like Jesus when you’re in submission.
1. The Holy Spirit and My Marriage
2. My Responsibility for My Marriage
“But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:24).
Notice husbands and wives don’t get the same verbs. “Husbands, love. Wives, respect. Husbands, give. Wives, submit.” Even though the word submit is overall, it’s really clear in verse 22 that Paul is saying, “Just as Christ has authority over the church, so the husband has authority over the wife in the marriage.” The husband is the head of the wife.
2.1 My Filter in Reading Ephesians 5
What’s really dangerous is if you bring your filter and your preference, such as you prefer a wife not to work. You prefer the wife to take the main responsibility with the children. You read this, and you read that right in, and you think, “I have a biblical warrant for what I’m doing.” No, you don’t. Or, “she’s to do the dishes, and I’m to do the yard.” You won’t see this in Scripture either. We read the Bible through filters. Make sure you don’t bring your filter when you read the Bible.
2.2 Servant Leader, Not a Dictator
He is the leader, and he’s not the dictator. The husband is not some sort of a top sergeant, beating his wife over the head with a Bible club. I know some older men who have told me they never changed a diaper or you’ve never washed a dish. You might hear about the chain of command in the Army, but this doesn’t speak primarily of a chain of command; this is a line of responsibility. That’s a much better term. Men, you are responsible for leading your wife spiritually.
2.2.1 The Husband’s Relationship with Christ
The husband is responsible for his own personal relationship with the Lord. He must devote himself daily to the Word and prayer. You must fight the fight of faith in his own soul before you can hope to lead your family in spiritual warfare. Husbands, what is your vision for your marriage and your children? What do you want to see when you are old?
Set your goals for your grandchildren loving Christ fervently, and work toward this goal now. Set your goal to have your wife’s respect and love when you cross the 25th-anniversary date and work toward this goal now.
2.2.2 The Wife’s Relationship with Christ
The husband’s spiritual life can never substitute for the wife’s. When Peter described the holy women of old who were submissive to their husbands, he described them as women who “hoped in God” (1 Peter 3:5).
Wives have a strong relationship with the Lord. If you have a husband who is NOT walking with the Lord, pray to change him. Submission does not mean avoiding the effort to influence or change your husband. She opened by saying, “The Bible teaches us to love our husbands.” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you told your husband that you loved him?”
At a recent women's conference, the main speaker made a request. The women sat in silence. Then she asked every wife to take out their cellphones. “Text your husband, by telling them, ‘I love you.’” Then she told them to exchange phones and read their replies to each other. Pandemonium broke out! Here are some of the best replies:
1. I think you sent this to the wrong number.
2. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. Did you wreck the car again?
5. Don't beat around the bush; just tell me how much money you want!
Encourage and love your husbands, wives.
2.2.3 Playing “Catch Up”
Some men are ashamed that their wife is ahead of them spiritually. So they just hang back and think of the spiritual life as “woman’s work” and so protect their egos. Men are too proud to admit that spiritually they must play catch-up to their wives.
2.3 Set Spiritual Goals for Your Family
The husband is set to the spiritual goals for the family. An aimless husband does not make a happy wife. The vast majority of wives love it when their husbands lead out in thinking about family priorities and goals. Men, this is your responsibility.
Admiral Hyman Rickover was known as the “Father of the Nuclear Navy” as his team designed and built the first nuclear submarine. He is only one of four people to be have been awarded two Congressional Gold Medals.
Listen to what Admiral Rickover said about responsibility:
“Responsibility is a unique concept. It can only reside and inhere in a single individual. You may share it with others, but your portion is not diminished. You may delegate it, but it’s still with you. You may disclaim it, but you cannot divest yourself of it. If you do not recognize it or admit its presence, you cannot escape it. If responsibility is rightfully yours, no evasion, or ignorance, or passing the blame can shift the burden to someone else. Unless you can point your finger at the man who is responsible when something goes wrong, then you’ve never had anyone really responsible.”
2.3.1 Adam, Where Are You?
When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden and God came to call them to account, it didn’t matter that Eve had eaten the fruit first. God said, “Adam, where are you?” That’s God’s word to your family this morning: Adam, husband, father, where are you? He will seek an accounting from you first, not your wife if the family has neglected prayer and put TV before the living God.
2.3.2 3 Challenging Questions
Husbands, have you ever discussed the importance of evangelism and missions with your wife? Have you considered a mission trip with your spouse? Does your wife know your testimony?
2.3.3 How to Get Started
Here’s how to get started again. Humble yourselves and admit your failure. Confess to your wife your sin. Go apart with God and plan a week of devotions with her and the family. I’m telling you, gentlemen, in the home, the responsibility is on the husband—on the husband. And you cannot dodge it.
1. The Holy Spirit and My Marriage
2. My Responsibility for My Marriage
3. His Sacrifice for My Marriage
“because the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church—he himself being the savior of the body” (Ephesians 5:23).
There’s a divine pattern to marriage. Marriage is to follow the Divine pattern above. Christ loves His bride so much He willingly was crucified for her, for us. No one took His responsibility more seriously than Jesus Christ. And our marriage is to follow His model. No man can be the head of his home until he’s under the headship of Christ.
If you’re not willing to be under Christ’s authority, what right do you have, and what expectation do you have to have the power of God to be the husband that God wants you to be?
Jesus Christ died as a sacrifice for sinners.
So, I want you to bow your heads. Heads are bowed, and eyes are closed. While heads are bowed, and eyes are closed, if you know already that you’re saved — there’s no ifs, ands, and doubts about it, you know that — then I want you to begin to pray for those who may be around you, the person to your right and your left.
Prayer
Would you pray like this?
Dear God, I’m a sinner, and my sin deserves judgment, but I need mercy. I want to be saved. Jesus, you died to save me, and you promised to save me if I would trust you. I do trust you right now. Tell Him that right now: I do trust you right now, at this moment, and with all of my heart. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus. Come in. Forgive my sin. Save me, Lord Jesus, and begin now to make me the person you want me to be. And help me never to be ashamed of you because you died for me. Amen.
