Open your Bibles to Ephesians 5:25-27 with me. We continue our year-long study of Ephesians and our recent series on marriage.
Someone recently asked a wife why she chose to marry an obnoxious man. She quickly surveyed the available men and said, “Supply chain issues.”
I am not claiming to be an expert in marriage. I want to say right up front that even though I have a wonderful marriage, a marriage that is as strong and stable as any marriage I know.
Yet, marriage is hard work. In fact, it is such hard work that fewer and fewer people are evening applying for the job. There is a woman that was recently engaged. She went to a friend for some marital advice. The friend said to her, “The first ten years of marriage are definitely the hardest.” The girl said, “How long have you been married.” She said, “Ten years.” Again, marriage is hard.
It doesn’t take a lot of work to have a bad marriage, but it does take a lot of work to have a good one. Do you know why marriage is so hard? It is because marriage involves people. The Bible says we are complex moral and spiritual creatures, and we drift to make ourselves happy first and foremost. Putting our own happiness in front of others is a major obstacle to a long-term, healthy, and happy marriage.
Let’s dig into Ephesians for help with our relationships. After asking wives to submit to their husbands, the Scripture turns the attention on the husbands.
Today’s Scripture (page 1162 in your pew Bibles)
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25-27).
When marriages are strong, the whole community is blessed. And when marriages are weak, the whole community suffers. Everyone has skin in the game when it comes to marriage.
Let me begin by saying the message today is for everyone in this room. If you are currently married, this message is certainly is for you. If you are not married, but you wish you were married - this message is for you. If you are married and you wish you weren’t married - this message is really for you.
1. Husbands, Love Your Wives
Notice the first thing the Bible says to husbands: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25).
Responsibility #1: The Bible commands you to love your wife. The word “love” is mentioned six times in this section, and the repetition shows us the importance of loving our wives. The Bible’s command to love your wife may not be new information for you, but it’s a needed reminder. Maybe loving your wife is easier said than done.
1.1 Wedding Ring
One day a man was riding on an airplane, and he noticed the man sitting next to him. He noticed something very unusual that his wedding ring was on his right index finger. Somewhat curious, he looked over to the man, and he said, “Sir, I believe you have your wedding ring on the wrong finger.” The man said, “No, I don’t; I married the wrong woman.” No doubt this husband was a joy to be married to!
Maybe loving your wife is easier said than done. Notice that nowhere does the Bible tell you to love her only if she’s loveable. A man doesn’t love his wife because she deserves to be loved; a man loves his wife in order to turn her into somebody who he wants to love. This is a command in Scripture. God commands you to love your wife. Just as God commands you not to steal and not to speak falsehood, He commands you to love your wife. Loving her means paying attention to her needs. All the way back at the beginning of the Old Testament, newlywed husbands were commanded to take the entire first year of marriage in order to “bring joy to [his] wife” (Deuteronomy 24:5). The husband was exempt from the military in ancient Israel in order to ensure his new marriage was happy and healthy. Husbands, take the responsibility to love your wife and to pay attention to her needs.
2.2 A Model Husband
In fact, love your wife daily for decades. Earlier this year, a woman passed away in the life of our church. She was placed on hospice care on her 50th wedding anniversary. Her husband loved her all the way through to the end. He married this single mother who had been abused by her first husband years ago. He loved her greatly, and they taught the Bible together in this church for years alongside one another. Then when she lay dying, no hospice nurse could come to the house due to the ice storm. So he cared for all her needs, including rigging a way to keep her warm when the power when out.
2.3 Love Her Like You Want to Be Loved
Ask yourself, “What’s the language of her love?” Yes, this may mean flowers and dates and romance. Love her as she wants to be loved. Her idea of a great time maybe not be Monday night football. Some of you are like the man wearing the wedding ring on the right hand.
2.4 Different Expectations
We have such different expectations when it comes to marriage. Men, we go into a marriage expecting that our wives will come to bed every night in a different Victoria's Secret outfit, and she is hungry for your romance. Ladies, you expect your husband to come to bed every night wanting to give you a foot massage after he spent the past 3 hours listening to you talk instead of watching the football game.
Here’s a truth all of us need to hear: When we don't get from our marriage what we think we should, then we don’t give our marriage what we know we ought.
2.5 Discount Tire
A man took his car to Discount Tire because he had a problem with his tires. The attendant said, “Well, the problem is not with your tires.” He went on to say, “The problem is with your car. Your car is out of alignment. If you don’t fix the alignment, you’ll be wearing only part of your tires, and getting new tires will only give you something else to wear out.” A lot of husbands think, “If I get another woman, things will be better.” But you’ll wear out the next wife too, because you are out of alignment. Until you are aligned properly with the Lord, no marriage will work for you. This is a simple message intellectually, but there are real challenges to doing this long-term.
2.6 NT Command All Alone
Again, the Bible commands you to love your wife. When you search through ancient literature around the time of the New Testament, you do not find a command similar to this. You will not find command for the husband to love his wife in rabbinic literature of our Jewish friend. And you will not find a command for the husband to love his wife in Roman and Greek literature either.
1. Husbands, Love Your Wife
2. Husbands, Sacrifice for Your Wife
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25).
2.1 How Do I Love My Wife?
The Bible gives us a definition of how to love her: as Jesus loved His bride, the church. Now, the Bible doesn’t say love her when only is deserves it. No, the Bible simply says to love your wife. You are to love your wife by seeking her highest good.
2.2 Don’t Be That Guy
I think about a woman that awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked. “Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16,” he asked. “Yes, I do,” she replied. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?” “Yes, I remember.” “Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?’” “Yes, I do,” she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know...I would have gotten out of jail today.” Don’t be that guy, men.
2.3 Dying for Your Wife
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25).
The logic at the end of verse 25 includes Jesus’ death on the cross for His people. Some redneck men read verse 25 and say to themselves, “I’ll be glad to die for my wife when the time arrives. When someone breaks into our house, I got it.” It’s easier to die for her when an intruder breaks into your home than put her first day after day and week after week. No, the Bible isn’t ONLY calling on husbands just to die for their wives IF it’s needed. The Bible is calling on you to love your wife like you would love yourself and care for yourself: “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28).
One wife sweetly told her husband, “Dear, I know that you are willing to die for me; you have told me that many times. But while you are waiting to die, could you just fill in some of the time helping me dry the dishes?”
Self-centeredness is the quickest and surest way to poison your marriage.
2.4 Gorilla Glue Girl
Did you hear about the Gorilla Glue Girl? In the early part of this year, Tessica Brown, a 40-year-old woman, ran out of hairspray. So she turned to Gorilla Glue spray, believing it would do the same thing. In a TikTok video, she later explained that she had washed her hair fifteen times, but her hair didn’t move. She goes to an ER, but they couldn’t help her with her “forever ponytail” either! She eventually ends up at a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon who removed the glue from her “rock hard” hair after a number of weeks of anguish and despair. We’ve all done dumb things like this lady but if you want to do something equally stupid in life: love yourself more than your wife.
2.5 Self-Centered
Don’t be self-centered. The opposite of love is self-centeredness. Your personal alignment is to be self-centered. Self-centeredness doesn’t belong in your marriage any more than gorilla glue in your hair! Self-centeredness is the quickest and surest way to poison your marriage.
Give her the attention you give to the office and the job. When we don't get from our marriage what we think we should, then we don’t give our marriage what we know we ought.
2.6 Single People Problems Mask Themselves
Most of our issues we have in marriage are often blamed on our spouse. You sit down with the counselor, and he says, “What’s going on?” And he starts by saying, “She always …” and she says, “He always…” This is the most common thinking about marital problems is that they are HIS problems or HER problems.
There are no “married people problems.” There are only single people problems that are exposed in marriage. Your marriage is suffering because you are experiencing single people problems that are exposed due to the radical nature of oneness marriage requires. Again, there are no “married people problems.” There are only single people problems that are exposed in marriage. So a marriage doesn’t simply cause you to confront the problem with your spouse, it causes you to confront the problems in yourself.
1. Husbands, Love Your Wife
2. Husbands, Sacrifice for Your Wife
3. Husbands, Reward Yourself
“so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:27).
3.1 Are You a Dog or a Cat?
For some people, it’s easier to see God in the details of life than for others. A dog says, “These people feed me, provide for me, give me shelter, and love me. They must be god!” But a cat says, “These people feed me, provide for me, give me shelter, and love me. I must be god!” When it comes to believing in God, are you a dog or a cat?
You may think, “Why does believing in Jesus matter to my marriage? Jesus Christ sacrificed Himself in order to reward Himself. The bride of Christ is the church, every single person who was purchased by the blood of Jesus Christ and is pardoned by placing their faith in Christ.
Notice the logic of the passage in verses 25-27. Jesus’ sacrifice made His bride holy (verse 26). Jesus’ sacrifice ultimately cleansed His bride and removed any blemishes in the people of God. The work of Jesus on the cross will do more than a spa ever could by making His bride spotless, wrinkle-free, and morally and spiritually beautiful. Jesus Christ sacrificed Himself in order to reward Himself.
3.2 Drunk Man Searches for Himself
A fifty-year-old Turkish man was drinking with his buddies when he wandered off all alone into the nearby thick forest. His name was Beyhan Mutlu. His friends became concerned when they could not locate him after several hours. So his buddies and his wife reported the man missing. A search party was immediately formed as they combed through the forest. In time, Beyhan himself stumbled into the search party. Despite being “three sheets to the wind,” Beyhan searched for himself high and low. After a little while, he heard one of the searchers shout his name. It was then he responded something to the effect, “Who are we looking for? I am here.” Beyhan made it home after searching for himself for more than thirty minutes. I want to tell so many of you that the very thing you are looking for is staring at you in the face.
Longitudinal studies demonstrate that two-thirds of those unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced. So many marriages are just like this drunk guy looking for himself!
3.3 Delayed Gratification
Husband, if you’ll love the wife you have, you’ll may very well get the wife you want. It may take years of love and sacrifice to get there, but your sacrifice but will lead to your reward.
Nothing good in life comes without sacrifice. Ask a football coach how you have a great team that wins in December and beyond, and he’ll tell you “two s days” back in August. The problem for so many of us is we don’t get the concept of delayed gratification.
Delayed gratification is a muscle each of us can grow. Delayed gratification is when we delay our desires for an immediate reward to a later time so we can receive a greater reward. The great preponderance of research evidence shows that people who are married consistently show much higher degrees of satisfaction with their lives than those who are single, divorced, or living with a partner.
3.4 I Believe in Marriage
Husbands, love your wife. Husbands, sacrifice for your wife. Husbands, reward yourself. If you work today for the marriage you want tomorrow, then your future self will be so happy with your present self.
I still believe in the institution of marriage for at least two reasons: 1) God believes in it; And 2) I have experienced firsthand the bliss, the benefits, and the blessings that come from having a good marriage. Jesus Christ sacrificed Himself in order to reward Himself.
