After reading a book called Man of the House during his commute home from work, the enlightened husband stormed into his house to confront his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law. Tonight, you are to prepare me a gourmet meal and a sumptuous dessert. Then, when I’m done eating, you're going to draw me a bath so I can have a relaxing soak. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?”
His wife responded, “My guess is the funeral director” (Mikey's Funnies; www.PreachingToday.com)
There is a lot of confusion these days about the role of a woman in the home. Some think that she exists only to serve the man. Others believe the opposite, but many are just confused, and it leads to a lot of conflict.
Do you want to reduce the conflict and improve your marriage? Then open your Bibles and turn with me to Genesis 2, Genesis 2, where we find out why God made a woman.
Genesis 2:18: Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone.”
Up until now, God has declared every aspect of his creation “good.” Genesis 1:3 God saw that the light was good. Genesis 1:10 God saw that [the dry land] was good. Genesis 1:12 God made the plants and saw that it was good. Genesis 1:18 God made the sun, the moon and the stars and saw that it was good. Genesis 1:21 God made the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and saw that it was good. Genesis 1:31 God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.
But here, God makes a man and He says, “It is NOT good.” Why? What is not good? It is not good that the man should be alone. And herein lies the first reason why God made a woman. God made a woman to be WITH her man. God made a woman to keep him company and to be his companion.
You see, most men do poorly without such a companion. A study has been going on for years, following hundreds of men who graduated from Harvard between the years of 1939 to 1944. The study has followed these men throughout their lives, now well into their 90’s. The researchers wanted to know who flourished, who didn’t, and the decisions they had made that contributed to their well-being. The lead scholar on the study for many years was the Harvard psychiatrist George Vaillant. He summarized the results in his book Triumphs of Experience, where he writes, “Happiness is love. Full stop.”
The current director of the study, the psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, filled in the details. He said that the subjects who reported having the happiest lives were those with strong family ties, close friendships, and rich romantic lives. The subjects who were most depressed and lonely late in life—not to mention more likely to be suffering from dementia, alcoholism, or other health problems—were the ones who had neglected their close relationships” (Arthur C. Brooks, “Are We Trading Our Happiness for Modern Comforts?” The Atlantic, 10-22-20; George Vaillant, Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study, Belknap Press, Reprint 2015, page 63; www.PreachingToday.com)
Like the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone.”
Over the course of several months, Peter Skillman conducted a study pitting the skill of elite university students against that of the average kindergartner. Groups of four built structures using 20 pieces of spaghetti, 1 yard of tape, 1 yard of string, and 1 marshmallow. The only rule, the marshmallow had to end up on top.
Business students began by diagnosing the task, formulating a solution, and assigning roles. The kindergarteners, by contrast, got right to work, trying, failing, and trying again. If you think the business students did better, you might be surprised. In dozens of trials, the kindergartners built structures that averaged 26 inches tall, while the business school students built structures that averaged less than 10 inches.
How come? Daniel Coyle, the author who published this study, suggests that “individual skills are not what matters. What matters is the interaction. The kindergartners succeed not because they are smarter but because they work together in a smarter way. They are tapping into a simple and powerful method in which a group of ordinary people can create a performance far beyond the sum of their parts (Daniel Coyle, The Culture Code, Bantam, 2018, pp. xv-xvii; www.PreachingToday.com)
That principle works in marriage, as well. Two ordinary people can create a performance far beyond the sum of their parts. That’s why God made a woman—to give the man a partner, someone to be with him, someone to accompany him through life. So, if you want to improve your marriage, follow God’s design and...
SPEND TIME WITH EACH OTHER.
Create some moments where you can just be together. Instead of everybody just going their own way, walk together along life’s road when you can.
Caroline Kitchener, in The Atlantic, suggests doing dishes together from time to time. She writes:
Every day, they slowly accumulate. Plates covered in sauces and crumbs. Forks, knives, and spoons all gummed with bits of this and that. At the end of a long day of work, cooking, cleaning, and, for many, negotiating with small children, a couple has to face the big question: Who is going to do the dishes?
A report from the Council of Contemporary Families suggests that the answer to that question can have a significant impact on the health and longevity of a relationship. It found that, for women it’s more important to share the responsibility of doing the dishes than any other chore. Women who wash the vast majority of the dishes report more relationship conflict, less relationship satisfaction, and even worse sex, than women with partners who help. Women are happier about sharing dishwashing duties than sharing any other household task.
What is it about dishes? Dan Carlson, the lead author of the study, offers one possible reason: “Doing dishes is gross. There is old, moldy food sitting in the sink. If you have kids, there is curdled milk in sippy cups that smells disgusting.”
Couples who... share dishwashing responsibilities seem to have better relationships. According to Carlson, that’s because a couple can do dishes as a team... The nature of dishwashing encourages couples to stand in the kitchen together and work simultaneously until the job is done. That kind of teamwork, especially when practiced regularly, often makes partners feel more connected, ready to tackle the gross and the curdled, in and outside of the sink” (Caroline Kitchener, “Doing Dishes is the Worst,” The Atlantic, 4-3-18; www.PreachingToday.com)
So there you have it. If you want to improve your marriage, do dishes together, or play a game together, or watch a movie together, or pray together, read the Bible together. God made a woman to be WITH her man, so spend time with each other. Then...
HELP EACH OTHER.
Support your spouse. Assist him in the task God gave Him to do. For God also made a woman to HELP her man. Look at vs.18 again: Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a HELPER.”
Now, I know some women bristle at the idea of being a man’s helper like it’s some inferior role, but is it really? Think about it. When a person is drowning and in need of help, who is the stronger party: the one who helps or the one who needs the help? The stronger party is the helper, of course! So it is in the husband-wife relationship. The helper role is the stronger role.
In fact, God Himself is called the “Helper” of His people on numerous occasions throughout the Old Testament. Psalm 33:20 Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our HELP and our shield. Psalm 70:5 Hasten to me, O God! You are my HELP and my deliverer. Psalm 115:9 O Israel, trust in the LORD! He is their HELP and their shield.
God is the Helper of His people! Does that mean He is inferior to them? Does that mean He is second-rate? No! He is the Sovereign Creator of the Universe. He is in no way inferior to His creation.
So it is with the woman. Even though God made her to help her man, she is in no way inferior to him. The fact is she has the honored role, the stronger role in many respects. That’s so she and her husband, together, can accomplish the mission God has given them to “fill the earth and subdue it,” Genesis 1:28 says, and to “have dominion over… every living thing that moves on the earth.”
I like the way Kevin and Karen Miller put it in their book, More than You and Me. They write: “Adam and Eve must have had fun working together in the garden. No commutes, no child care, no financial worries. Just the opportunity to be with each other all day and feel the satisfaction of doing something together that neither could do alone.
“We hunger for this today: cooperating together, meshing, working like a mountain climbing team, ascending the peak of our dream, and then holding each other at the end of the day. God has planted this hunger deep within every married couple. It's more than a hunger to create new life. It's…a hunger to do something significant together. According to God's Word, we were joined to make a difference. We were married for a mission.
“Marriage expert Dennis Rainey says, ‘One of the missing ingredients of couples today is they do not have a mission; they do not have a sense of God having called them together to do something as a couple.’ But often, as we begin to feel this basic longing, we don't know what it is. We get the ‘seven-year itch’ or the ‘12-year anger’ or the ‘18-year blahs.’ We think, what's wrong with us? Our companionship may not be perfect, but we have each other. And, many can add, we have our children. So what are we missing?
“We may be missing [a big part] of what God created marriage for—serving Him together. Counselor James H. Olthuis writes, ‘To try to keep love just for us… is to kill it slowly… We are not made just for each other; we are called to a ministry of love to everyone we meet and in all we do. In marriage, too, Jesus' words hold true; in saving our lives we lose them, and in losing our lives in love to others, we drink of life more deeply’” (Kevin and Karen Miller, More Than You and Me, Touching Others Through The Strength of Your Marriage, Focus On The Family Publishing, 1994, pp. 8,9; www.PreachingToday.com).
Don’t be content just to BE together. Find something God wants you to DO together. Go on a missions trip. Reach out to a neighbor in need. Just find some ministry you can do together, and see if that doesn’t re-energize your marriage. It’s part of God’s design for marriage.
I like the way David Brooks put it. He said, “Marriage isn't about two individuals trying to satisfy their own needs; it's a partnership of mutual self-giving for the purpose of moral growth and to make their corner of the world a little better” (David Brooks, “Three Views of Marriage,” The New York Times, 2-13-16; www. PreachingToday.com).
Find what you can do together to make your corner of the world a little better. If you want to improve your marriage, spend time with each other, help each other, and...
FIT EACH OTHER.
Complement and complete your spouse. Harmonize your lives together. For God not only made a woman to be WITH her man and to HELP her man; God made a woman to FIT her man, as well, to be wholly adequate for him, to correspond to him in every way.
Look at verse 18 one more time: Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helper FIT for him.”
Literally, God says, “I will make him a helper according to what is in front of him, or one who corresponds to him.”
Genesis 2:19-20 Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him (ESV).
Out of all God’s creation, there was not one creature that could be a suitable companion for the man. There was not one creature that could make him feel like a whole and complete person.
Genesis 2:21-22 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man (ESV).
Then the man’s eyes popped out, his jaw dropped to the ground, and he said, “WOW!” What’s the matter? Isn’t that what YOUR Bible says? Believe me, it’s there… right between the lines. After all, men, what would YOU do if in your single days you woke up from a nap in the park and there, standing right in front of you, was a hot, naked lady?
I doubt that you’d say, Genesis 2:23, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man.”
That came later, I’m sure, as Adam had time to reflect. After he retrieved his eyes (from popping out of his head) and put his jaw back together, he realized what God had done. God had given him a wonderful companion, a helper corresponding to him in every way, taken right out of his side.
You see, a man and his wife were made to fit together like two adjoining pieces of a puzzle, like a nut on a bolt, like spaghetti sauce on spaghetti. Each supplies what the other lacks, and each contributes to make the whole greater than the sum of its parts.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said it best when he wrote: As unto the bow the cord is So unto man is the woman; Tho’ she bends him, she obeys him, Tho’ she draws him, yet she follows; Useless each without the other (from Hiawatha),
That’s how God designed marriage.
Genesis 2:24-25 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed (ESV).
They were totally open to each other. There was total and complete intimacy without any embarrassment or shame.
In the novel Captain Corelli's Mandolin, an old man is talking to his daughter about the secret of marital love between he and his late wife. He tells her:
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other, underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches, we found that we were one tree and not two (David Brooks, The Two Mountains, Random House, 2020, p. 45-46; www.PreachingToday.com).
With God’s help, do everything you can to grow towards each other, not apart, to become “one tree,” so to speak. For that’s what God designed marriage to be—two becoming one, living and serving together for His glory!
If you want to improve your marriage, spend time with each other, help each other, and fit each other for the glory of God.
“But Phil,” some of you might say. “That was good for Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, but I live in a fallen, sinful world. Can that really work for me today?” No, not if you attempt it in your own strength.
That’s what Caleb Holt discovered when he tried to love his wife, Kathryn. He considered divorcing her after seven years of marriage. So, in one last attempt to salvage their marriage, Caleb’s father asks Caleb to try a 40-day experiment he calls “The Love Dare.” Caleb agrees, but halfway through, Caleb calls his father to talk about how things are going. Caleb explains that the night before, he had prepared a candle-light dinner for his wife. Her only response was, “I don't love you.”
Perceiving that his son is about to give up on The Love Dare, Caleb's father comes to visit, and the two decide to go for a walk. Along the way, they come to a clearing in an area where church camp is held. Take a look (show video: Fireproof—Cross; www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vrhjvxxk3Bc).
There's a wooden cross and some tree stumps for seating. With Caleb seated on a stump, his father questions him: “Caleb, if I were to ask you why you were so frustrated with Kathryn, what would you say?”
Seated with his head in his hands, Caleb looks up and replies, “She's stubborn. She makes everything difficult for me. She's ungrateful. She's constantly griping about something.’
“Has she thanked you for anything you've done the last twenty days?” his fathers asks.
“No!” Caleb says. “And you would think that after I wash the car—after I've changed the oil, done the dishes, cleaned the house—that she would try to show me a little bit of gratitude. But she doesn't!”
As Caleb continues to vent, his father begins to walk slowly toward the cross. “In fact, when I come home, she makes me feel like I'm an enemy. I'm not even welcome in my own home, Dad. That is what really ticks me off! For the last three weeks I've bent over backwards for her. I've tried to demonstrate that I still care about this relationship. I bought her flowers, which she threw away. I have taken her insults and her sarcasm, but last night was it. I made dinner for her. I did everything I could to demonstrate that I care about her – to show value for her – and she spit in my face. She does not deserve this, Dad! I'm not doing it anymore! How am I supposed to show love to somebody – over and over and over – who constantly rejects me?”
By now, Caleb's father has positioned himself at the cross. Leaning against it, he replies, “That's a good question.”
Caleb responds, “Dad, that’s not what I’m doing.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Dad, that’s not what this is about.”
“You just asked me, ‘How can someone show love over and over again when they’re constantly rejected?’ Caleb, the answer is you can’t love her, because you can’t give her what you don’t have. Son, God loves you even though you don’t deserve it, even though you’ve rejected Him, spat in His face. God sent Jesus to die on the cross and take the punishment for your sin, because He loves you. The cross was offensive to me until I came to it; but when I did, Jesus Christ changed my life. That’s when I truly began to love your mom” (Fireproof DVD, chapter 16, 00:57:01 – 00:59:38, Samuel Goldwyn Pictures/Sherwood Pictures, 2008, directed by Alex Kendrick; www.PreachingToday.com)
Please, if you haven’t done it already, come to the cross and let Jesus change your life. Then with His love, you can love one another even in a fallen, sinful world.
