In Peter’s first letter – a letter that we have been focusing on since May of 2008 – Peter tells men that right living will help them pray. Peter tells us that our prayers can be clogged by how we treat our wives. This is an especially important commandment in our day for the definitions of men and marriage are up in the air.
FOR THE FIRST TIME in its history, Western civilization is confronted with the need to define the meaning of the terms “marriage” and “family.” What until now has been considered a “normal” family, made up of a father, a mother, and a number of children, has in recent years increasingly begun to be viewed as one among several options. Yet, this normal definition of family can no longer claimed to be the only definition of family or even a superior form of ordering human relationships. Yet, this redefinition of masculinity is set against the backdrop of a significant culture change that has spanned the past three decades. The rate of working women more than doubled in the latter half of the twentieth century. In 1977, 78 percent of Americans thought that preschoolers suffer if their mothers work; less than twenty years later, in 1993, only 45 percent of Americans thought so. In 1997, 76 percent of Americans believed that it was better for the man to work outside the home and for the woman to focus on the care of the home and family. By 1993, only 37 percent of Americans held that view. The gender revolution has made significant strides. Yet the feminist movement thinks the revolution has stalled. Paula England and Arlie Hochschild point out that most of the gender inequality now takes place inside the home. It is in the private world of the home that man fail to do their responsibility. According to these two scholars, women’s work outside the home is burdened by their devotion to the children inside the home. Because of this excessive toll, they are calling for a “second shift” in order to lessen the mother’s responsibility inside the home.
Our aim is to not to be traditional or contemporary. Our aim this morning is to see both men and women in their God-given complementary roles.
Today’s Big Idea is: Men, Understand and Honor Your Wives in order that God may Hear Your Prayers.
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (1 Peter 3:7)
If you wondering where or if we have addressed the role of women, the answer is yes. You can find my message on women on our website, click on the tab “sermons,” and you’ll find the message entitled “How to Minimize Marital Conflict.” We believe that male and female are equal. Yet we are equally affirming that men and women have different natures. Such an observation isn’t complex. Just watch children. You don’t have to be a sociologist or some kind of brilliant academic; all you have to do is watch. Boys will build stuff and knock it over; girls get two objects and make them friends Evidently, there are differences even as we get older.
Research and market surveys show that moms tend to be showered with gifts and attention on Mother's Day while Dads, not so much. Americans spend an average of $130 on Mother's Day. This year, they will spend an average of a little more than $90 for Dad today. For a successful marriage, you must…
1. Understand What Type of Wife You Have
According to Pastor Tony Evans of Oakcliffe, Texas: “The primary cause of this national crisis [the decline of the family] is the feminization of the American male.” Evans counsels the men to do the following thing: “The first thing you do is sit down with your wife and say something like this: ‘Honey, I’ve made a terrible mistake. I’ve given you my role. I gave up leading this family, and I forced you to take my place. Now I must reclaim that role.’” He continues: “Don’t misunderstand what I am saying here. I’m not suggesting that you ask for your role back; I’m urging you to take it back. If you simply ask for it, your wife is likely to say, ‘Look, for the last 10 years, I’ve had to raise these kids, look after the house, and pay the bills… I’ve had to do my job and yours. You think I’m just going to turn everything back over to you?”
The Scriptures are clear that there are two kinds of wives. “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4). There is a type of wife that speaks life into her husband in such a way that she is the crown jewel of all that he accomplishes and all that he does. But there’s another type of wife that, like a cancer, she eats away at her man’s masculinity by belittling, attacking and chiseling away at him any opportunity she gets. And Proverbs disdains this woman constantly. The book of Proverbs says that it’s better for a man to live on his roof than it is for him to live with a woman who constantly belittles and berates him. “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 25:24). “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman” (Proverbs 21:19). If I get to make a list of ways I want to die, slowly cooking to death in the desert doesn't make the top forty. And He says it's better for a man to go out into the desert and die slowly than to live in the house with a woman who constantly nitpicks and attacks him. “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;?16 to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one's right hand” (Proverbs 27:15-16). And when I first read that, I was like, “That doesn’t really sound too bad. Dripping faucets don’t bother me.” But then I started thinking, “Some governments use water to torture people.” Proverbs says loving a woman like this is like trying to grab hold of oil; loving a woman like that is like trying to stop the wind.
And normally here, we’re real sweet on the wives and we beat up on the husbands, but you can’t get around the fact that the Bible’s very, very clear that there are certain women who destroy certain men’s chances at manhood altogether. What I’ve found, is some women are very verbal about complaining about their man's lack of ability to be a man all the while they continually emasculate them. If you’re really, really upset about what I’m saying right now, I’m just reading the Proverbs to you. There are some women who hate the idea of submission. But no more of this.
For a successful marriage, you must…
1. Understand What Type of Wife You Have
2. Remember Who Is Your Father
To understand Peter’s words on marriage, we need to set them in the context of the first marriage. Every marriage is implicated by the first marriage. The story of the Bible is that God made our parents, Adam and Eve. God made Adam first as the head and leader of the family. Adam names the woman, which is a leadership act: “The man called his wife's name Eve, because she was the mother of all living” (Genesis 3:20).
God then makes Eve who is called Adam’s helper. Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). Men and wife is to work together. God officiates the first marriage as He brings Adam and Eve together. Because of this first marriage we can define marriage as the following: Marriage is one man with one woman in one covenant as one flesh for one lifetime. This first marriage then lays out for us a principle for men and leadership. Men, you are to first leave your father and mother. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). There are many things implicit in this command.
Men, you should leave your mother’s house, pay your bills, worship God, and stand on your own two feet. When and only when you have accomplished this, you can then marry. You then find a women that God has given you. You then enjoy the fruits of marital union. You enjoy intimacy.
Everything is fine with Adam and Eve as they are in love until Genesis 3. It was in Genesis 3 that Eve was deceived. Paul uses the word “deceived” twice in the New Testament. Eve, rather than Adam the leader, engaged Satan rather than rebuking him or running from him. She took of the fruit and gave some to Adam. Just like Adam, the sins of men fall into two general categories: sins of commission - doing what you’re not supposed to do and sins of omission - not doing what you’re supposed to do. Adam didn’t stand up or speak up. Adam didn’t lead his family as he should and this sin caused sin and separation.
God then came calling out for who? Adam. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you” (Genesis 3:9)? Though Eve sinned first, God held Adam responsible. This doesn’t mean that the man will be held responsible for his wife’s sin. But it does mean that God will play an additional burden of responsibility on the man. God calls man & women to be responsible for their sin and God curses them and all of humanity.
To the woman he said, ‘I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.’ And to Adam he said, ‘Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you,?‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;?thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field.?By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.’” (Genesis 3:16-19)
Here is a helpful chart that I have provided in your worship guides. In the first column, you see God’s instructions while the second column is the desired outcome to God’s instructions. The last column is what happened in Israel.
BIBLICAL TERMINOLOGY CREATION HISTORY IDEAL OF ISRAEL
“a man … his wife” Monogamy Polygamy
“hold fast” Durability
Fidelity Divorce
Adultery
“A man …. His wife… become one flesh” Heterosexuality
Fertility
Complementarity Homosexuality
Sterility
Dilution of gender distinctions
At this point the gender wars are on… Men can go either one of two directions: chauvinistic or cowardly tendencies. Much of the history of the world is either toward cowardice or chauvinism. Too little or too much. Some of you wish to avoid the passive forms of your father, Adam, so you overcompensate and become a Chauvinist. Others of you who fail to understand what masculinity is fall right in line with your father Adam and follow his passive tendencies and you’re cowards.
Chauvinism
Three basic versions of this failure and I am helped her by Pastor Mark Driscoll.
• No Sissy Sam – whatever women do, do the opposite
No Sissy Sam doesn’t know what a man is but he knows that a man is not a woman. Whatever a women is, he is going to be the opposite. Some of you have No Sissy Sam as your dad. Mom hugs, so he doesn’t hug. Mom says I love you, so he doesn’t say I love you. What this man doesn’t understand is that because both man & woman are made in the image of God, you will both express emotion. Manhood is not the opposite of woman. Masculinity is not who can spit the farthest, belch the loudest, and punch the hardest. That’s not a man. There are no single women here today who is praying, “God, send me that.”
• Successful Stewart – masculinity = material success
Successful Stewart defines himself by what he has and does. “Here is my car!” “Here is my house!” “Here is my wins.” “Here is my paycheck.” He treats his wife just another trophy. Her job is look good and be quiet. He doesn’t love her well. He doesn’t serve her well. He’s more worried about his income and possessions that his wife and his children.
• Angry Adam – angry & abusive
Angry Adam is intimating. He is scary. He is abusive and mean. He is bossy. Wherever he is, he is charge. He’s the king. He stands back, and barks out orders like a drill sergeant. He thinks being a man is being overbearing. Men, if you think when you read your Bible and you see the words “head of the household,” if you think it means being bossy, you are a fool. Are you this guy? Is your wife scared of you? Some of you men, say, “I am not like that.” You are like your father Adam.
Cowardice
• Little Boy Larry – tied to mom’s apron strings
He can’t keep a job because He forgets to set his alarm. He is forever in school but he never has graduated. He works part-time because he can’t handle the stress. He stills lives his home. Perhaps he moved out, but his mother stills brings food over, helps pay his bills and does his laundry. He’s a momma’s boy. His hope is to meet a really nice girl with a good job and a house. Women may love him like a mother loves an orphan child but you don’t respect him. We don’t say, “I want my daughters to marry someone like him.”
• Good-Time Gary
He is charming and entertaining. There’s always a crowd of people around him. He gets along with him. He can’t get a job. He can’t stay organized. He can’t get out of bed in the morning. He can’t see anything through to completion.
• Silent Steve – dependable but emotionally absent
He’s the dad who goes to work and pays the bills. But he comes home and turns on the TV and checks out. He is physical present but emotionally absent. He’s on the internet. He’s working on his car. He’s in his study. He’s in the yard. He’s in the garage. You say, “Dad, you were never there?!” He says, “I was always there.” Yes, Silent Steve is there but in a coma. He puts food on the table and a roof over your head. But he’s not emotionally connected.
Studies show that a husband’s devotion, affection, and understanding of his wife is deeply important for the quality and stability of their marriage. When a man invests himself in his marriage, this is the most important indicator for women of a successful marriage. It’s more important that marital commitment, participation in household labor, or working with the children. Women initiate most of the divorces in this nation, so it is not surprising that when men show positive emotional connection and intimacy with their wives, this dramatically reduces the risk of divorce.
Men are prone toward chauvinism or cowardice. Too much or too little. The key is to understand the Gospel. You were created to be like Jesus. Jesus was the perfect man. You and I are to take our cue for masculinity from Jesus. Jesus takes responsibility – He works a job. Jesus takes responsibility for my sins.
Marriage is for men and not for boys. Quit downloading porn. Keep your hands off a girl until you are married. You must get a job and keep a job. Get out of bed in the morning. And pay your own bills.
Men, I call on you to take responsibility for your wife. Take responsibility for your children. Take responsibility for your church. Take some responsibility even for your city. Jesus is our model for masculinity.
Recognize What Type of Wife You Have
Remember Who Is Your Father
3. Honor Your Wife
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
How Can I Honor My Wife?
Even the best men among us can improve. You are to honor by being the BREADWINNER. Men are to be the primary breadwinner for the home. We are to provide food, we are to provide shelter, w are to provide clothing. Now, there are definitely seasons of time where this gets out of kilter. There are times where men lose a job or they get laid off, they’re actively seeking another job and for whatever reason, it’s just not happening and for a season, the wife becomes the primary breadwinner. Or there are times where a man is getting his masters, getting his PhD, doing something like that and the woman becomes the breadwinner while he’s doing those things. But it is unbiblical and outright sinful for you to be mastering Doom 3 on Xbox while your wife is working. Playing Guitar Hero all day is not what God had in mind.
You are to honor by Physically.
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
A couple of weeks ago on Mother’s Day, I gave the following story. In this world where feminism reigns, can you envision a marriage where a burglar breaks into your home and you say: “This is an equal opportunity marriage. It’s your turn.” All of us know this is wrong.
You don’t shove her. You don’t’ raise a hand. You don’t give her an intimidating look. You don’t get in her face. You don’t intimidate her with your presence. Does she feel safe with you? Men, you don’t have to think about your safety. Women, if you are dating a man like this – run.
Ladies, don’t be foolish in who you spend time with. Run for your children and grandchildren’s sake. And men, don’t blame her for your physical abuse. She doesn’t feel like she can live because of the kids. Your behavior is inexcusable. You are to honor by being Selfless.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25).
Do you put yourself first or her? If you do not honor marriage, she will statistically go into poverty upon divorce. She’ll become yet another single mother. She’ll have to explain to the children why they shouldn’t be embittered against you. Do you want to know just how sad our country has gotten? All you have to do is talk to young girls about why they’re getting their college degree and what they really desire. They’ll say to you, “I want to be a wife and I want to be a mother, but I’ve got to be prepared in case something happens.” Do you know how insane it is that in our society, women are getting ready for their divorce before they even get married? I’m not anti-education or anti-girls going to college. What happens when a man disobeys God with a women? Read the verse.
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7) God says you are on your own. When you damage God’s daughter, you can’t cry out for God’s help to do it some more. You must repent.
