This morning I want to talk to women whose need hope. I want to speak to women who are married to men who are not converted to Christ. And Peter has some very unusual counsel for godly women married to ungodly men. He tells them to submit to such men! Talking to women about being gentle, quiet, and fearless, as counsel against the tides of ungodliness seems nonsensical. Yet, when we pause to think about Christianity, there is a number of things that seem to be nonsensical. Jesus said the last shall be first, if you want to find your life, lose your life… and the greatest among you is the one who serves.
On this Mother’s Day the need for godly mothers is tremendous. Why? Godly mothers are needed to influence ungodly men. Peter’s strategy is that you would submit, demonstrate purity in all that you do, and adorn yourselves internally with gentleness and quiet spirit. More than anything Peter calls on you to place your hope in God. If we are to resurrect our marriages from the rocks, we’ll need to turn our attention to God’s directions (the inventor) of marriage.
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening” (1 Peter 3:1-6)
Reading such a text in today’s culture can make some of us hyperventilate. Instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to such a text, let’s carefully consider its merits and postpone our judgments for the next few moments. In this section of the Peter’s letter, Peter has summarized our relationship to government authorities who are hostile to us (1 Peter 2:13-17). And he has also told how servants are to relate to abusive masters (1 Peter 2:18-25).
Peter first turns his attention to wives and later to husbands. When Peter says to be submissive, he’s not alone for at least three other NT passages repeat the same instructions. Paul writes the following:
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” )Ephesians 5:22-25).
“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18).
There is great deal of misunderstanding today about what it means when the Bible says wives are to “be submissive” to their husbands.This text is very helpful for correcting wrong understandings and practices.
WHAT DOES SUBMISSION NOT MEAN?
1. Don’t Assign Your Husband the Place of Christ
The whole context of the passage we are examining assumes that allegiance to Christ takes priority over all human allegiance. Peter gives a clue as to what he is talking about when he says: “Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution” (1 Peter 2:13a). When Sara calls Abraham “lord” in verse its lord with a little “l” in verse six. “as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening” (1 Peter 3:6). It's like “sir.” Her obedience to the little “l” is filtered through the big “L.” Wives are to give their allegiance to Christ before their husbands. Ungodly husbands will not get this as he has a different set of ideas on the world works.
2. Don’t Give Up Independent Thought
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1-2)
Peter speaks directly to wives, not to the husbands so that they can tell their wives what the Apostle Peter says. The custom of the day expected that a wife would normally adopt the husband’s religion. This practice placed Christian wives married to non-converted husbands in a difficult position. Peter does not succumb to this cultural understanding of the wife’s intelligence where she would blindly submit to her husband’s views on religion and God. Instead, Peter assumes that she will hear, ponder, understand and respond to God’s Word on her own. Verse one tells us that some wives have chosen to follow Christ in opposition to their husband’s thoughts. These wives have thought the matter through and departed from their husband’s way of thinking on this issue of supreme importance. Submission does not mean agreeing with everything your husband says. You can see that in verse one that she is a Christian and he is not. He has one set of ideas about ultimate reality. She has another. Peter calls her to be submissive while assuming she will not submit to his view of the most important thing in the world – God. Submission does not mean leaving your brain or your will at the wedding altar. The Christian wife should try to influence her husband to become a Christian.
3. Don’t Give in to Every Demand of Your Husband
If the husband should say, “Stop being a Christian, be like me,” she will have to humbly say, “I cannot. My Conscience must answer to a higher authority.” If her husband should tell her to steal, or lie, or do anything contrary to the clear moral teaching of Scripture, she must refuse. For it’s just such behavior that will cause the pagan neighbors to turn from their idolatry and instead become worshipers! “Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation” (1 Peter 2:12)! You are to never obey any authority that tells you to disobey God. This is exactly what Moses’ parents did when they hid baby Moses in a basket instead of throwing the baby in the Nile as the Pharaoh commanded. “By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that the child was beautiful, and they were not afraid of the king's edict” (Hebrews 11:23). You are Equal in Intelligence and Competence. Therefore…
4. Don’t Be Timid
For Peter tells the wife to not give way to fear in verse six. “as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening” (1 Peter 3:6).
So the reference to the wife as “the weaker partner” (verse seven) cannot mean any inherent lack of inner strength of courage in the face of danger.
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
The whole idea of submission has been dealt a difficult blow by the actions of men over history. Current figures tell us that some sixty thousand cases of rape are reported each year, not to mention the numerous cases not mentioned. In addition, there are somewhere between three to six million women each year who are victims of some form of physical violence in their homes. This staggers the mind. In each of the above cases, men have violently utilized their physical advantages to abuse their spouse. I have not even mentioned the frequent and blatant use of emotional and mental intimidation where men manipulate their wives emotionally and sexually in order to get their ways. This is sin and it is selfish. If you are a man under the sound of my voice who conducts himself in such a manner, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. You need to repent before God, ask your wife if she can forgive you, and find someone to hold you accountable to prevent such behavior from happening again. Many ladies will hear such a talk on submission as reinforcing such terrible behavior from men. Such is not the case.
5. You are Equal in Christ
Remember that submission is consistent with equality. I mean by that submission is consistent for both men and women are equal in importance, dignity and honor. Recall that Jesus was subject both to His parents and also God the Father. “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3).
So now that we have spent several moments on what submission does not mean, the natural question remains:
WHAT DOES SUBMISSION MEAN?
Women submitting to their husbands may not be popular but it’s realistic. The Bible is very realistic. Some Christian women are not going to have Christians for husbands. As the Holy Spirit moves through the world converting people – bringing them to out of rebellion and unbelief into submission and faith – it does not always convert married couples together. Sometimes one is converted and the other not. Remember what Jesus said: “Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. For from now on in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three” (Luke 12:51-52). And Peter says here in this text that sometimes the wife is in the group of two who are converted, and the husband is in the group of three who are not. They are on opposite sides. And this text is about how the Christian wives should live in that situation.
1. Have an Inner Quality of Gentleness
“Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious”
(1 Peter 3:3-4). This means making a choice to have a demeanor that honors the husband. It’s the idea of a willingness to respect him. Of course men, it’s a lot easier to respect you when you actually deserve respect. As opposed to Aretha Franklin’s song, “RESPECT,” men cannot verbally demand for this gentle respect but you should instead earn it with their lives. Peter’s words are directed to women whose husbands are less than respectful. Ladies, if you wish to see your husband come to Christ, do not preach to him! You will not nag him into the kingdom. Demonstrate honor and respect for him.
You ask, “How does this work?” Look at verse four again: “but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4).
I want you to focus on the word “gentle” in verse four. It is used as an adjective in this sentence. It’s only used as an adjective three other times in the New Testament. Two of these three refer to Christ. In Matthew 21:5 it describes Christ as He arrives into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday on the back of a donkey. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29). Gentle means “not insisting on one’s own rights” or “not pushy, not selfishly assertive.” Lastly, it means “Not demanding one’s own way.” Such a gentle and quiet spirit will be beautiful before other human beings. I remind you that the gentleness of Christ toward His disciples caused Him to stoop down and wash their feet. You may ask, “What sort of loyalty and love did this bring?” Of Jesus’ twelve disciples, one betrayed Him (Judas Iscariot), one seems to have died serving Christ in his old age (John), and ten were martyred for him. Two of those ten felt so unworthy of Christ’s love that when they were martyred, they asked to be crucified upside down as opposed to Jesus Christ’s crucifixion (Peter and Paul).
HOW A WOMEN CAN ATTRACT ATTENTION
Peter helps you understand further what this gentle spirit is by means of contrast. In a day when cosmetics, plastic surgeons, and women’s magazine make suggestion after suggestion in order for woman to attract attention, Peter tells women how they can attract God’s attention. In a day when beauty is the rage for women, Peter tells women how they can be truly beautiful. Biblical beauty is paying attention first to the inside and second to the outside: “let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4).
Notice Peter calls your attention to a beauty that is “UNFADING.” What every woman craves is unfading beauty. Ladies, you’re worried about the laugh lines around your eyes. Ladies, you’re worried about the ever-widening hips after you’ve had a few children. And you’re worried about sagging in places you’ve never sagged before! You glance at the beauty of the girls in their early twenties and realize perhaps you’re not what you once were. How can you look as good as you ever did? By examining the inside – your character. Pop culture says that only ugly people reflect on beauty on the inside. The beauty of one’s character is untouched by one’s age. Here Peter is giving married women another warning about how not to win their husbands – namely, don’t think that you can win him with trendy hairstyles, or a better tan, or delicate jewelry, or clinging robes.You might in this way attract him to the bedroom, but probably not to God. If you want to win him to God, your adornment is going to have to be a new woman within.
Cosmopolitan can teach you how to win a man to yourself. But only the Scripture can teach you how to win him to God. Better yet than such a practical argument, Peter writes that this gentle spirit is precious to God (verse 4). Ladies, you want to catch someone’s eye? Catch the eye of God!
2. Affirm the Leadership of Your Husband
It is a great sadness that in our modern society the complementary roles of biblical headship for the husband and biblical submission for the wife are despised or simply passed over for fear of being called terrible names. Some people just write them off as sub-Christian cultural leftovers from the first century. They are not. Submission is the disposition to follow a husband's authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership. It is an attitude that says, “I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love. I don't flourish when you are passive and I have to make sure the family works.” But the attitude of Christian submission also says, “It grieves me when you venture into sinful acts and want to take me with you. You know I can't do that. I have no desire to resist you. On the contrary, I flourish most when I can respond creatively and joyfully to your lead; but I can't follow you into sin, as much as I love to honor your leadership in our marriage. Christ is my King.” If there is a sound downstairs during the night and it might be a burglar, you don’t say to her, “This is an egalitarian marriage, so it’s your turn to go check it out. I went last time.” And I mean that – even if your wife has a black belt in karate. After you’ve tried to deter him, she may finish off the burglar with one good kick to the solar plexus. But you’d better be unconscious on the floor, or you’re no man. This is the kind of man women want. What makes all this especially relevant for all of us is that the foundation Peter gives to these wives is a foundation that can and should be under all our relationships – especially with unbelievers.
2.1 The Wife’s Source of Strength is God
“For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands…” (1 Peter 3:5). The secret to flourishing in difficult relationships is not to get your strength from those relationships, but from God. Place your Hope in God. Look to God for the love and the security and the joy that you long for. Then you will be able to have strength for others – believer or unbeliever in your life.
2. Work on the Inside
I'm talking to men and women here. It will have its distinct, complementary form and expression in men and women, but it will be there in both, if they hope in God and not themselves or in other people or circumstances. “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:3-4). In other words, when you hope in God, you're not all caught up in externals like make-up and hair styles and earrings and clothes. What you are caught up in is becoming a deep, settled, strong, tranquil, gentle, fearless person – what I call a woman of valor. Or a man of valor. That's what begins to happen when you pin your hopes on God and not man. On my way to the next point, might I say something about modesty and women’s dress.
Ladies, many of you know how to catch a man’s attention. Men are attracted much more by physical beauty than you are. You know that you can help men with their lust by dressing modestly. What do I mean by modestly? Being sure your covered at the top and the bottom. I am not here to talk about inches from the waist or necklines, etc.
3. Become Strong, Gentle, Fearless in God
This Makes You Ultimately Attractive. You can see that his is what Peter is really after in verse 1b-2. He wants the unbelieving husband to be won over. He wants him to be saved – to be a fellow heir of the grace of life with his wife (as v. 7 says). But notice how he hopes this will happen: “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1-2). The “hidden person of the heart” in verse 4 is now visible. What you become on the inside by hoping in God eventually shows in behavior that is pure and respectful and winsome. To that end I call us all to be like the holy women of old, and to hope in God, not in husband or wife or children or job or insurance or investment or government, but in God.
