1 Peter 3:1-6. 3 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. (ESV)
COVID-19 is taking a toll on relationships and creating a boom for divorce lawyers, couples therapists and even debt counsellors…"What would ordinarily be a bump in a regular marriage is amplified," said Russell Alexander, a lawyer specializing in separation agreements and divorces. Alexander oversees seven family law offices across Ontario, said their client base has grown by about 30 per cent since the pandemic began. (https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/divorce-separation-covid-19-lawyers-counsellors-business-booming-1.6009182)
In Peter’s day when a wife became a Christian, the potential for difficulty was much greater than it was if the husband first became a believer. A wife was expected to profess the religion of her husband. In that society when women, who were viewed as inferior to men, became Christians without their husbands also becoming saved, the likelihood of his being embarrassed and shamed by what was viewed as an act of defiance by his wife, was predictable, as was the conflict subsequently generated. Husband would consider her unfaithful to him and his pagan religion. Under Roman law, the wife had no rights. Under Greek law, her status was quite limited for example in property rights. Under Jewish practice, she could be divorced for almost any reason with little recourse. If the wife persisted in her new religion to the extent that others outside the household learned of it, the husband would also feel embarrassment and suffer criticism for not properly managing his household. This could seriously damage his social standing, even to the point of disqualifying him for certain honors and offices (Jobes, K. H. (2005). 1 Peter (p. 203). Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic.).
Most of us can testify to having a close friend or congregation member that is going through this situation. Once again, this is not some intellectual speculation, but a real life, current issue of concern that touches us all. When we can understand the situation and how to appropriately respond, our counsel will be wise, our testimony will be strong and the radical life changing impact of the Gospel of Jesus Christ will be shouted in its perfection and glory.
In 1 Peter 3:1-6 we can see three qualities of a Wife of Noble Character. She is 1) Submissive, 2) Faithful (1 Peter 3:1-2) and 3) Modest (1 Peter 3:1-2).
For a Wife of Noble Character:
1) She is to be submissive and faithful (1 Peter 3:1-2)
1 Peter 3:1-2 [3:1] Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, [2] when they see your respectful and pure conduct. (ESV)
The expression Likewise refers back to the two previously mentioned examples of submission: citizens to civil authorities (2:13) and servants to masters (workers to employers) (2:18). All flowing from the directive that salvation means submission to Christ resulting in believers being submissive to one another. In married life, a husband is expected to give leadership, exercise authority, and obey God. He should understand that God has given him authority which he must use lovingly for the well-being of his wife. His wife should strive to uphold her husband and help him in his task. With her talents and abilities, she is God’s servant in fulfilling her role as her husband’s helper (Kistemaker, S. J., & Hendriksen, W. (1953–2001). Exposition of the Epistles of Peter and the Epistle of Jude (Vol. 16, p. 119). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.).
The word translated “be subject/submissive” (hupotassog, Gk.) literally means “to place under.” The term implies no coercion or condescension but a voluntary recognition of God’s assignment of leadership to the husband.( Criswell, W. A., Patterson, P., Clendenen, E. R., Akin, D. L., Chamberlin, M., Patterson, D. K., & Pogue, J. (Eds.). (1991). Believer’s Study Bible (electronic ed., 1 Pe 3:1). Nashville: Thomas Nelson.) Given the pain that can be evoked by this text, I want to say a few things about what Peter’s call to submission does not mean for Christian wives. It does not mean that if your husband asks you to abandon your faith in Christ, you should do so. It does not mean that if your husband asks you to sin, you should do so. It does not mean that you must always agree with him and never present a differing view. It does not mean that if he is unfaithful to you, you are left without Biblical recourse. It does not mean that if he abuses you physically or abandons you through incessant verbal humiliation, you must remain quietly in the home and accept the daily cruelty of that relationship at all costs (Helm, D. R. (2008). 1 & 2 Peter and Jude: sharing christ’s sufferings (p. 102). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books.).
Please turn to Ephesians 5
Submission does not imply any moral, intellectual, or spiritual inferiority in the family, workplace, or society in general. But it is God’s design for roles necessary to humanities well-being. Along the same lines, a commanding officer is not necessarily superior in character to the troops under the commander, but has authority is vital to the proper functioning of the unit. In their epistles Paul and Peter spend much time writing instructions for wives and husbands. They know that the individual family units are the building blocks in the structure of society, and that a healthy relationship between husband and wife is the cement that holds the family together (Kistemaker, S. J., & Hendriksen, W. (1953–2001). Exposition of the Epistles of Peter and the Epistle of Jude (Vol. 16, pp. 116–117). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.).
Paul specified how God put the body of Christ together in Ephesians 5:
Ephesians 5:22-23 [22] Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. [23] For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. (ESV)
• Both genders (notice I said there are only two) are equally created in God’s image (Gen. 1:26–28) and heirs together of eternal life (Gal. 3:28–29). This submission is in deference to the ultimate leadership of the husband for the health and harmonious working of the marriage relationship. The grounds of the wife’s submission to her husband and is modeled on Christ’s headship over the church. Just as Christ’s position as head of the church and its Savior does not vary from one culture to another, neither does the headship of a husband in relation to his wife and her duty to submit to her husband in everything expected of her by God. (Crossway Bibles. (2008). The ESV Study Bible (p. 2271). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles.)
• Godly submission is first to Christ. It does what Christ desires, when and how He desires it.
That Peter referred specifically to their own husbands indicates the intimacy of marriage and points out that he was not commanding women to be servile to all men in every context. This is not a situation where all women are to submit to all men. These texts do not teach the general subjugation of all women under all men. The principle of submission does not require a woman to become a doormat. When a Christian wife interacted with an unbelieving husband, she needed to be submissive according to cultural norms in order to save her marriage and sometimes even her life. But she ought not participate in her husband’s pagan religion or submit to actions that dishonored God. However, when both wife and husband were Christians, the woman should respect the God-given authority of her husband, while the husband exercised his authority in a loving and gentle manner. Just as with our previous studies in submission to Government and in the workplace there is an important qualifier: Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (ESV). (Barton, B. B. (1995). 1 Peter, 2 Peter, Jude (pp. 79–80). Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Pub.)
In 1 Peter 3:1, this particular submission refers to an instance of an individual who: “Do not obey the word” describing the unbelieving or disobedient husband’s condition as a rejecter of the gospel (cf. 2 Thess. 1:8–9; Heb. 4:2). Amazingly, in spite of the profound enmity of his soul toward the Lord, if his Christian wife will continue to submit to him, she may/might be the instrument God uses to win him to Christ. If your husband is a nonbeliever, you can strengthen your marriage not by preaching, but by living, loving, and letting God provide the opportunity for you to witness. (Barton, B. B. (1995). 1 Peter, 2 Peter, Jude (pp. 79–80). Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Pub.)
• This is not a pattern that guarantees that you will bring him to salvation. God changes the heart. The question is if you will be an instrument that He will use to change the heart of your husband, or a stumbling stone.
The conduct of the wife is presented as one: “without a word”. That expression does not refer to the Word of God but to the wife’s spoken words. Earlier in the letter, Peter made it clear that Scripture is essential for anyone’s salvation: 1 Peter 1:23 [23]since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God; (ESV)(; cf. Rom. 10:17). Peter’s point here is that the wife’s godly behaviour is the most valuable testimony to open the husband’s heart to the gospel. He will need to hear the words of salvation, perhaps from her. But it will be as he is able to observe her submission as a faithful wife that she truly commends the gospel to him. How a believer lives in that most intimate relationship helps make the grace of Christ believable (cf. Matt. 5:16). Matthew 5:16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. (ESV). This emphasis on conduct rather than words is also applicable to other situations in which Christians find themselves in regular daily contact with unbelievers (at work, within a family or college residence, etc.). Though Peter does not exactly say that Christians should never talk about the gospel message to their unbelieving husbands or friends, he does indicate that the means God will use to ‘win’ such persons will generally not be the Christian’s words but his or her behaviour. To know this should increase prayer both for grace to live rightly and for God’s working in the husband’s heart. (Grudem, W. A. (1988). 1 Peter: an introduction and commentary (Vol. 17, p. 146). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.)
Please turn to Titus 2
A lovely, gracious, and submissive attitude is the most effective evangelistic tool believing wives have (cf. Prov. 31:26; Matt. 5:16; Phil. 2:15; Titus 2:3–5). Paul explained this to Titus and it’s discipleship implication:
Titus 2:3-5 [3] Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, [4]and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, [5]to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. (ESV)
• The instruction to older women and young women is intertwined because part of the role of a Christian older woman is to train (Gk. sophronizo, “to give instruction in wise behavior and good judgment”) the younger women. The topics comprising the teaching of the older women in vv. 4–5 are very practical and focused on the domestic sphere. Working at home does not prohibit working outside the home (cf. Prov. 31:16, 18, 24) but it does indicate that Paul expects wives to carry the primary responsibility for the day-to-day care of their homes and children. Yet this is to be done while being submissive to their own husbands, supporting their husbands’ leadership role in the family. (Crossway Bibles. (2008). The ESV Study Bible (p. 2349). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles.)
Back in 1 Peter 3:2, closely related to that is their responsibility to be respectful and pure/chaste, demonstrating their sanctification through Christ by a life composed of irreproachable and pure conduct toward God and her husband. The conduct of the wife as pure may actually disappoint the husband who no longer has a wife to will participate in base things anymore. This could be actually viewed as rebellion to his depraved concept of authority. The basis of this virtue is her “reverence to God” or “fear of God.” …While submitting to (her husband) her whole motivation comes from a different source, her deep obedience toward God (Davids, P. H. (1990). The First Epistle of Peter (pp. 116–117). Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.)
The word respectful is phobos (“fear”), used in 2:17 to define the required attitude of those who give honor to God Himself (cf. Prov. 24:21). A Christian wife with “purity and reverence” will reveal in her life “the praises” of God (1 Peter 2:9) and influence her husband to trust Christ (Wiersbe, W. W. (1996). The Bible exposition commentary (Vol. 2, p. 409). Wheaton, IL: Victor Books.).
Illustration: George Müller told of a wealthy German whose wife was a devout believer. This man was a heavy drinker, spending late nights in the tavern. She would send the servants to bed, stay up till he returned, receive him kindly, and never scold him or complain. At times she would even have to undress him and put him to bed. One night in the tavern he said to his cronies, “I bet if we go to my house, my wife will be sitting up, waiting for me. She’ll come to the door, give us a royal welcome, and even make supper for us, if I ask her.” They were skeptical at first, but decided to go along and see. Sure enough, she came to the door, received them courteously, and willingly agreed to make supper for them without the slightest trace of resentment. After serving them, she went off to her room. As soon as she had left, one of the men began to condemn the husband. “What kind of a man are you to treat such a good woman so miserably?” The accuser got up without finishing his supper and left the house. Another did the same and another till they had all departed without eating the meal. Within a half hour, the husband became deeply convicted of his wickedness, and especially of his heartless treatment of his wife. He went to his wife’s room, asked her to pray for him, repented of his sins, and surrendered to Christ. From that time on, he became a devoted disciple of the Lord Jesus. Won without a word!
George Müller advised: “Don’t be discouraged if you have to suffer from unconverted relatives. Perhaps very shortly the Lord may give you the desire of your heart, and answer your prayer for them. But in the meantime, seek to commend the truth, not by reproaching them on account of their behavior toward you, but by manifesting toward them the meekness, gentleness and kindness of the Lord Jesus Christ”. (George Müller, in a periodical called The Word, edited by Richard Burson, date unknown, pp. 33–35.)
Finally, for a Wife of Noble Character:
2) She is to be modest (1 Peter 3: 3-6)
1 Peter 3:3-6. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. (ESV)
The phrase outward adornment comes from the word kosmos from which we get the word cosmetics.` There should be a difference in focus for the believer from the world. It’s the difference from the outward vs. the inward. Glamour is artificial and external; true beauty is real and internal. Glamour is something a person can put on and take off, but true beauty is always present. Glamour is corruptible; it decays and fades. True beauty from the heart grows more wonderful as the years pass. A Christian woman who cultivates the beauty of the inner person will not have to depend on cheap externals. (Wiersbe, W. W. (1996). The Bible exposition commentary (Vol. 2, p. 409). Wheaton, IL: Victor Books.).
But braiding the hair, and putting on gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear make no contribution to spiritual transformation. Such surface concerns still consume people in the present media dominated culture. Peter’s point is not that any of these are forbidden, but that they should not be a woman’s ‘adorning’, her source of beauty (Grudem, W. A. (1988). 1 Peter: an introduction and commentary (Vol. 17, p. 148). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.).
• A basic test on this issue is preparation. What do you spend more time doing? Outward appearance care or inward spiritual refinement?
Instead of being consumed with their external appearance, we see in verse 4 that Christian wives must be devoted to beautifying the hidden person of the heart. Wives should manifest the inner beauty of spiritual virtue. Paul instructed believing women 1 Timothy 2:9-10 [9] likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, [10] but with what is proper for women who profess godliness--with good works. (ESV). It is certainly possible for a woman’s appearance to be so unkempt and unadorned as to embarrass and discourage her husband, to whom such indifference in the name of Christ would make the gospel offensive and be just as spiritually detrimental as too much attention given to externals. The Lord is most pleased when a believing woman’s modest yet thoughtful and lovely adornment reflects the inner beauty Christ has fashioned in her. F. B. Meyer notes: “Plenty are there whose outward body is richly decked, but whose inner being is clothed in rags; whilst others, whose garments are worn and threadbare, are all glorious within.” (Meyer, F. B. (n.d.). “Tried by Fire:” Expositions of the First Epistle of Peter (p. 117). New York; Chicago; Toronto: Fleming H. Revell.)
In particular, a believing wife should be characterized not by passing earthly fashions, here today and gone tomorrow, but by literally the imperishable. Quality is implied-The KJV translates this as “incorruptible” in 1:4, where it describes the believer’s eternal inheritance in heaven. Christian wives should be devoted, not to temporal beauty, but the lovely adornments of godliness. The same term is used in 1 Pt. 1:23 in speaking of the new birth. The inner beauty Peter is commending is a fruit of the new life in Christ. (Hillyer, N. (2011). 1 and 2 Peter, Jude (p. 95). Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.)
Their character should be one of Gentle/meek which comes from a word referring to a humble attitude, expressed in patient submissiveness. This is the opposite to the pagan trend of self-assertion. Gentleness is a supernatural work of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:23), the exact opposite to what the unredeemed will do. This results in being:
quiet is “still” or “tranquil.” This is a trust in God to make all things right. God is pleased when His followers act with Christ as their example. As Christ suffered wrongly but bore it patiently, so believers are to be patient in suffering for the faith (2:20). As He was gentle and quiet (also translated “meek,” see Matthew 5:5; 11:29; 21:5), so believers are to have a gentle and quiet spirit (Barton, B. B. (1995). 1 Peter, 2 Peter, Jude (p. 83). Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Pub.).
Such character in the spirit of a believing wife is the true inner beauty that in God's sight is very precious and effective in making her not only valuable and attractive to her husband, but demonstrating the beauty and value of regeneration. This is the key. For the unredeemed, submission in any form is regarded with distain. Submission to government, employers, leaders, one another and especially to Christ is seen as folly. There is nothing greater that points to the life changing power of God, than godly submission. A believing wife shouts the power of God when her life is transformed by God in godly submission. God values what we are within, not how we appear without. People judge by external appearances, but God looks on the heart. (1 Sam. 16:7). (Mounce, R. H. (2005). A Living Hope: A Commentary on 1 and 2 Peter (p. 43). Eugene, OR: Wipf & Stock Publishers.)
Please turn to Proverbs 31
Peter in verse 5, now gets into examples of how this submission has worked and glorified God: [5] For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands. Peter explained that the holy women of the past were both holy and beautiful, not because they lived perfect lives and had perfect looks, but because they hoped in God. These women trusted in God and knew how to submit to the authority God had established, by accepting the authority of their husbands (Barton, B. B. (1995). 1 Peter, 2 Peter, Jude (p. 83). Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Pub.).
In former times (Old Testament days) many believing holy women exemplified these principles of submissive and modest godliness.
Proverbs 31:10-31 [10] An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.[11] The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.[12] She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. [13] She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.[14] She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. [15] She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.[16] She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. [17] She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. [18] She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. [19] She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.[20] She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. [21] She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.[22] She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. [23] Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. [24] She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.[25] Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.[26] She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. [27] She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.[28]Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:[29]"Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all."[30]Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.[31]Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. (ESV)
• I can honestly testify that my wife Lisa my wife meets these qualities. Her wisdom, beauty, resourcefulness and respect that she has from me and our children testify to her godliness. When I first saw Lisa (my wife) I found her physically attractive, as I still do. I soon realized that she had such a godly character that far outshone her physical beauty. The more I got to know her, the greater her beauty was revealed. As attractive as physical beauty is, it does not sustain a marriage, but the beauty of Character can move a love to an ever-increasing depth and breath of bond.
Back in 1 Peter 3:5, Peter says they adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands. Thus, his call for such behavior is not unprecedented, and he specifically cites in verse 6 Sarah as an illustration, noting that she obeyed Abraham, going so far as calling him lord (master). Calling him (kalousa) is a present participle, which indicates Sarah’s continual attitude of respect toward her husband Abraham—she treated him as her lord or master. And here is a modern example: In the southern part of the United States of America, a son respectfully addresses his father as “sir” and his mother as “ma’am.” He will answer his father’s questions with a polite “yes, sir” or “no, sir.” He shows deference, not in slavish subjection, but because his surrounding culture demands it. Married women ought to observe the customary rules of address in their own culture. They also should make a distinction between principle and application of that principle. The principle is to be submissive; the application varies according to place, time, and culture. Thus, within the setting of her culture, Sarah applied this principle and called Abraham her “lord/master.” (Kistemaker, S. J., & Hendriksen, W. (1953–2001). Exposition of the Epistles of Peter and the Epistle of Jude (Vol. 16, pp. 122–123). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.)
When Peter wrote in that by faith all saints are children of Abraham, he was saying that all who believe have followed the same path Abraham took. He is the Old Testament model for believing God’s Word, and all after him who do the same belong to the same family of faith (Rom. 4:1–16; Gal. 3:7–29). Similarly, all believing wives who follow Sarah’s example of submission and modesty have in that sense you are her children. Wives who follow Sarah’s pattern have made the commitment to do good/what is right, even though they might nevertheless have some serious fears as to where such submission under an unsaved husband could lead. The Greek word for fear is ptoesis, a strong word meaning “frightening,” or “terrifying.” Instead of succumbing to such terrors (cf. Ps. 27:1; Prov. 1:33; 29:25; 2 Tim. 1:7; 1 John 4:18), those who are faithful to submit because it is good and right can be used by the Lord in the salvation of their husbands. Quiet confidence in God produces in a woman the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, but it also enables her to submit to her husband’s authority without fear that it will ultimately be harmful to her well-being or her personhood (Grudem, W. A. (1988). 1 Peter: an introduction and commentary (Vol. 17, p. 149). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.).
• The action commanded here is the same for all the submission we have looked at: It is done unto the Lord as the primary obedience. If a husband asks a wife to do something that is unbiblical, she must obey God rather than man. (Acts 5:1-10)
POEM: Be Gentle With Thy Wife (from Doris Shields)
On Father’s Day we will continue in the next verse. Until then we can say that the godliness of The Wife of Noble Character, deserves our prayers, honor and value. As the Poet Doris Shields wrote: “Be gentle, for you little know How many trials rise; Although to thee they may seem small, To her of giant size. Be gentle, though perchance that lip May speak a murmuring tone, The heart may beat with kindness yet, And joy to be thine own. Be gentle; weary hours of pain ‘Tis woman’s lot to bear; Then yield her that support thou canst, And all her sorrows share. Be gentle, for the noblest hearts At times may have some grief; And even in a pettish word May seek to find relief. Be gentle, for unkindness now May rouse an angry storm That all the after years of life In vain may strive to calm. Be gentle – perfect there are none; Thou’rt dear far than life; Then, husband, bear and still forbear. Be gentle to thy wife”.
(Format Note: Outline & some base commentary from MacArthur, J. F., Jr. (2004). 1 Peter (pp. 175–176). Chicago: Moody Publishers.)
