If you have ever assembled a piece of IKEA furniture with a spouse, you will appreciate this short video, called “Things never said by couples assembling IKEA items.” Now, there is a couple of places where some foul language is used, so please be forewarned. Take a look. (Show video: “Things never said by couples assembling IKEA items.”)
There two parts to the video. Part 1 is “Things never said while assembling IKEA items:"
• Babe, could you pass me the instructions.
• Thanks, I’m glad you are helping.
• Alrighty, let’s get stuck in the next one, hand me that flat pack.
• Wow! Look at you go! Where did you learn all this?
• That obviously goes in there.
• Right on schedule, nice!
• It looks just like it does in the picture.
• Oh, this is fun!
• That guy in the store was spot on. Yeah! It only took five minutes.
• You know, I think the Allen [wrench] may be my favorite tool.
• Why did we only buy one of these?
• Well, that must be it. Nothing left in the bag. Done!
Part 2 is “What is actually said:"
• Babe, it says here... (Husband rips instructions out of wife’s hands).
• Have we got a receipt for this piece of sh...
• That doesn’t go like that. Back off!
• Not as easy as it looks, is it? Shut up!
• What are all these then? Who gives a sh...
• Where are you going? I’m going back to that shop to punch the guy in the head.
• If I ever meet Allen, I’m going to take this key, turn it sideways, and ram it up his...
• Lock! Urrr! (www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kv0ZyyJWHgY)
This happens to so many couples that Corinne Purtill actually wrote an article about it in Quartz magazine a few years ago (September 18, 2015). She titled the article: “The psychology behind why couples always fight when assembling Ikea furniture.” In the article, she quotes Dr Scott Stanley, psychology professor at the University of Denver. He says, “There are some couples who have a fabulous life together who just recognize they should not be building things from IKEA together” (Corinne Purtill, “The psychology behind why couples always fight when assembling Ikea furniture,” Quartz, 9-18-15; www.PreachingToday.com)
Let me tell you. Even the best marriages go through rough spots, but that’s where the grace of God comes in. God’s grace can powerfully transform your marriage. In fact, God’s grace can powerfully transform any relationship, even if you have made some stupid mistakes in that relationship.
Do you want to see God transform your relationship(s)? Then I invite you to open your Bibles and turn with me to 1 Peter 3, 1 Peter 3, where we see the transforming power of God’s grace.
1 Peter 3:1-2 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. (ESV)
Now, these verses continue the thought began in 1 Peter 2:12 where it says, “Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.”
Your life is a witness to those who don’t know Jesus yet, first of all, in the community where you live (1 Peter 2:13-17), then in the workplace where you work (1 Peter 2:18-25), and now here even in your home (1 Peter 3:1-7). These verses begin by addressing women who are married to unbelieving husbands, literally to those who refuse to be persuaded by the word (i.e., the Word of God). Let me tell you: these men are not going to listen to anybody, leastwise their wives, when it comes to spiritual matters.
Now, for a godly woman living in such a situation, life can get pretty difficult, but God assures her that she can win her husband over to the faith without a word simply by her behavior. All she has to do is “be submissive” in that relationship.
Now, before you ladies start throwing tomatoes, I want you to know that God is going to say the same thing to husbands in verse 7. In the original text, verse 7 literally reads, “Husbands, live with your wives IN THE SAME WAY” – that is, in the same way your wives are supposed to live with you!
Whenever the Bible talks about the husband/wife relationship, it is always in the context of mutual submission – the wife to the husband and the husband to the wife. When the Apostle Paul, in Ephesians 5, talks about the role of husbands and wives, he begins the whole section with these words: “SUBMIT TO ONE ANOTHER out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
You see, when each puts the other first in the relationship, then you have harmony in the home. So ladies (and men), if you want God’s grace to transform your marriage, then…
SUBMIT TO YOUR MATE.
Literally, rank yourself under him (or her). Put yourself under his authority, verse 1 says. Look at it.
1 Peter 3:1 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands.”
That is, in the same way, be subject. So what way is that? Well, the previous verses answer that question. 1 Peter 2:13 – Submit “in the same way” a citizen should to his government – “for the Lord’s sake.” 1 Peter 2:18 – Submit “in the same way” an employee should to his employer – “with all respect.” And 1 Peter 2:23 – Submit “in the same way” Christ did when He bore our sins on the cross – without retaliation or threats but entrusting Himself to God. If you want God’s grace to transform your marriage, then submit for the Lord’s sake with all respect like Christ did.
In her book Confronting Christianity, Rebecca McLaughlin writes about her struggles with the concept of submitting to her husband. She writes:
“I came from an academically driven, equality-oriented, all-female high school. I was now studying in a majority-male college. And I was repulsed… I had three problems with [the biblical teaching on the husband-wife relationship]..
“The first was that wives should submit. I knew women were just as competent as men.
“My second problem was with the idea that wives should submit to their husbands as to the Lord. It is one thing to submit to Jesus Christ, the self-sacrificing King of the universe. It is quite another to offer that kind of submission to a fallible, sinful man.
“My third problem was the idea that the husband was the “head” of the wife. This seemed to imply a hierarchy at odds with men and women’s equal status as image bearers of God.
“At first, I tried to explain the shock away … But when I trained my lens on the command to husbands... I realized the lens for this teaching was the lens of the gospel itself. If the message of Jesus is true, no one comes to the table with rights. The only way to enter is flat on your face. Male or female, if we grasp at our right to self-determination, we must reject Jesus, because he calls us to submit to him completely.
“[The command to submit] used to repulse me,” McLaughlin says. Now it convicts me and calls me toward Jesus: the true husband who satisfies my needs, the one man who truly deserves my submission.”
McLaughlin continues, “I have been married for a decade, and I am not naturally submissive. I am naturally leadership oriented. I hold a PhD and a seminary degree, and I am the trained debater of the family. Thank God, I married a man who celebrates this! Yet it is a daily challenge to remember my role in this drama and notice opportunities to submit to my husband as to the Lord, not because I am naturally more or less submissive or because he is more or less naturally loving, but because Jesus went to the cross for me. (Rebecca McLaughlin, Confronting Christianity: 12 Hard Questions for the World's Largest Religion, Crossway, 2019; www.PreachingToday.com)
Don’t submit so much for your own sake or even for your husband’s sake. Submit for the Lord’s sake. Submit because Jesus gave Himself for you.
Now, ladies, submission is not something your husband does to you. It is something you do to him. It is an act of your own will from a position of inner strength, a strength you find only in your relationship with Jesus Christ. As you depend on Him, He gives you the power to submit freely, as an act of your own will, not because you are forced to do it, but because you choose to do it.
Let me be clear. God never asks a wife to subjugate herself to abuse. If you are being abused by your husband or any other man, then leave him now before he kills you. He may blame you for his anger, but you are not to blame. Please, if you are in that kind of a situation, get out and get help before it is too late.
Celebrate Recovery is a good place to start, and there are resources right here in Rice County that will help you navigate all the issues of getting out of an abusive relationship. Give me a call, and I will help you get in touch with those resources, because God is not asking you to subjugate yourself to abuse, no! He says, “Submit,” and there is a BIG difference between the two.
Warren Wiersbe put it this way in Leadership journal some time ago: He said, “Submission is not subjugation. Subjugation turns a person into a thing, destroys individuality, and removes all liberty… Subjugation is weakness; it is the refuge of those who are afraid of maturity. Submission is strength; it is the first step toward true maturity and ministry. (www.PreachingToday.com)
As I said before, submission is NOT something your husband does to you; it is something you do to him as a mature Christian woman to effectively minister to him. Submission is an attitude of the heart on the inside, which leads to appropriate action on the outside. It is an act of your own will, out of a heart full of love and respect, which puts your mate first in the relationship.
Using the language of Philippians 2, submission is humbly considering [your mate] better than yourself, looking not only to your own interests, but also to [his or her] interests (Philippians 2:3-4).
Again, I remind us men: this is not just for the women. This is for all of us men as well, because God is going to tell us in verse 7, “LIKEWISE, i.e., IN THE SAME WAY, live with your wives...”
So if you want God’s grace to transform your marriage, then submit to your mate for the Lord’s sake with all respect like Christ did when He died on the cross for our sins. Submit to your mate, and so…
WIN YOUR MATE.
Persuade him to follow Christ Himself.
Now, in Bible days, a wife who denied her husband’s gods was already violating social expectations. Plutarch, a secular writer who lived about the time 1 Peter was written, had commented that “it is becoming for a wife to worship and know only the gods that her husband believes in, and to shut the front door tight upon all queer rituals and outlandish superstitions” (Allen Black, The College Press NIV Commentary: 1 & 2 Peter, 1998).
It was expected that the wife have the same religion as her husband. Any other religion was considered “queer” and “outlandish.” So a Christian wife married to a non-Christian husband was a real problem in that society. He would have been highly offended and embarrassed before his friends to have such a wife.
What then is a Christian wife supposed to do in that situation? Obviously, she cannot give up her faith in Christ and worship her husband’s gods. That would go against God’s clear desires for her. No, she can’t do that, but she can submit to her husband as much as is possible in every other area and, by that, hope to lead him to faith in Christ.
You see, ladies, you don’t know how persuasive you can be – not through the power of words (they only turn a man off), but through the power of a changed life. Verse 1 says you can win those who do not believe the word without a word by your conduct, lit., by your turning back. The power of your changed life can be very persuasive even to those who refuse to be persuaded by the word itself.
Several years ago, Decision magazine told the story of Rick and Shawna Pilat, a Winnipeg couple who had recently come to faith in Christ. For Shawna, it started on a Sunday morning in January 2000, when her husband, Rick, had not yet come home from his all-night partying.
As Shawna angrily washed dishes in the kitchen, she noticed a man speaking on the television. She was quickly drawn to his message – he was funny and warm, and seemed to be speaking at her level. “I felt something come over me that I can't explain,” she remembers. “I couldn't quit crying. At the end of the program it said, ‘Join us,’ and it gave the name of a church in Winnipeg.” Shawna says, “I couldn't get my son dressed fast enough.”
On the way to the church, Shawna had one purpose in mind: getting emotionally strong enough to kick Rick out. She had tried using marijuana, alcohol, and various relationships to put Rick out of her heart. Now she thought she'd found the answer, but God had a surprise for her.
At the end of the message, the pastor invited people to give their lives to Christ. Shawna raised her hand. “I never looked back,” Shawna says. Three weeks later, Rick asked if he could join her at church.
He had seen the change in her life, and he knew that his behavior was hurting his family. He was addicted to drugs and sex, but after four or five weeks of attending church with his wife, he recognized his need for Christ. Still, the following months were not easy for Rick. He says, “I was going to church and wanting to do right, but I kept doing wrong.” It wasn't until a Promise Keepers event that Rick finally came to true and genuine faith in Christ. That day, he turned from his sin and accepted the forgiveness God offers through Jesus Christ. Then he went home and told his wife, “I can be the husband you need me to be now.”
As a result, Rick and Shawna's lives took a 180-degree turn. They became active in their church, and now they share the hope of God's restoration and forgiveness with struggling couples. Rick says, “When I think how Jesus can change people – no matter how deep in sin they are – that overwhelms me. If he did it for us, he can do it for anybody.” (Kristen Burke, “Winnipeg Couple Set Free,” Decision magazine, December 2006, p.13; www.Preaching Today.com)
God used Shawna’s changed life to change her husband’s life, and God can use your changed life, as well. So stop nagging. Stop dropping hints here and there. Stop leaving certain books lying around, hoping he’ll read them, and simply start living your life in dependence upon God and in submission to your husband. Submit to your mate and win him. But not only that, by the power of your new life in Christ, submit to your mate and...
WOO HIM, as well.
Attract him with an inner beauty that far outshines any cosmetics you could ever wear on the outside.
1 Peter 3:3-4 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. (ESV)
Man looks on the outward appearance, but God sees what’s in the heart, and He values a gentle, quiet spirit.
Now, these verses don’t prohibit a woman from fixing up her hair or wearing jewelry; otherwise, she would also have to go without any clothes, because verse 3 also talks about clothing. Peter is certainly NOT saying that a woman should go without any clothes. Now, that might attract some guys, but for all the wrong reasons, no. The point of these verses is this: A woman’s beauty should come more from the inside than the outside. Or as Warren Wiersbe once put it: “Any husband is proud of a wife who is attractive, but that beauty must come from the heart, not from the store.”
Six years ago (2015), Dove put out a video in their campaign for real beauty. Take a look (show Dove Evolution Commercial).
A woman wearing no makeup walks to a chair and sits down. As the camera focuses on her face, we see a series of time-lapse pictures that show her “evolve” into a billboard model.
First the make-up artists tone her skin to perfection. Then a horde of hairstylists surround her, transforming her straight, shoulder-length hair into a cascade of wind-blown, blond curls.
After dozens of pictures are taken, one shot is chosen, and computer designers begin to manipulate it. They make her neck longer, her eyes bigger, and her cheeks thinner. After recoloring her to perfection, the final, "perfect" woman is posted on a billboard for beauty products. As the commercial comes to a close, these words silently appear on the screen: “No wonder our perception of beauty is distorted.” (www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpM499XhMJQ; www.PreachingToday.com)
Ladies, you are truly beautiful, because your beauty is not about the makeup ON your face; it’s about the makeup OF your heart.
That’s what made Sarah, Abraham’s wife, in the Old Testament truly beautiful even in her 80’s and 90’s. In fact, both the Egyptians in Genesis 12 and the Philistines in Genesis 20 considered her a “very beautiful woman” in her old age (Genesis 12:14), but look at where her beauty came from.
1 Peter 3:5-6 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. (ESV)
Now, if you’ve ever read the story of Abraham and Sarah in the book of Genesis, you know that Sarah was no push-over. She had a dominant personality and was not afraid to express her opinion. In Genesis 21, when she saw the son of her Egyptian maid mocking her own son, she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son!” (Genesis 21:10). Abraham was distressed, but God told him to listen to his wife.
Sarah was a strong woman, but she used her strength to support her husband. He didn’t MAKE her submit. In fact, Abraham didn’t make anybody do anything. He was always yielding to others. For example, when his shepherds and Lot’s shepherds argued over limited grazing land, Abraham told Lot to choose whatever land he wanted. Lot chose the fertile land, leaving Abraham the dry wasteland (Genesis 13). No, Abraham didn’t MAKE Sarah submit. It wasn’t in his personality. Rather, Sarah CHOSE to submit, and that’s what made her beautiful in her husband’s eyes and in the eyes of two whole nations in her day.
If you want to be beautiful like Sarah, then do what Sarah did. Don’t apologize for your strength of will and character. God loves strong women. Just use that strength to serve beginning in your own home with your own husband.
Submit to your mate, and so win him and woo him with an irresistible inner beauty.
Carre Otis was once among the world's top super models for 17 years, beginning her career at the age of 14. To prepare for each photo shoot, she routinely binged and purged, took laxatives and diet pills, and exercised intensely. Being extremely thin made possible a modeling career that earned her $20,000 a day, but she became dependent on cocaine and heroine to keep her on a diet. The actor, Micky Rourke, married this top super model, but her outward beauty couldn’t keep them together. Soon after they married, they divorced, and her destructive lifestyle led to a mental and emotional breakdown.
After getting some treatment at a care facility, Carre Otis emerged committed to changing her life. She began eating normally and abstaining from all drugs and alcohol. She gained 30 pounds, went from a size 2 to a size 12, and became a successful as “plus size” model.
Some time ago, on her 32nd birthday, a friend invited her on a humanitarian mission to distribute clothes and toys to kids living in orphanages in Nepal. For the first time she saw what starvation really was. Looking back on her experience, she explained to reporter Cynthia McFadden:
“It wasn't about somebody being concerned that they were going to fit into a size, and that's why they weren't eating. It was because there wasn't food to be had. There was no money to get food…”
Then Carre said, “If somebody asked me, ‘When did you feel the most beautiful?’ I would say, when I was traveling through the Himalayas in dirty clothes, dirty hair, hadn't had a shower in a week, and was giving kids clothes. That's when I felt like the most beautiful woman, and the woman I've always aspired to be.” (“A Natural Woman,” Prime Time Thursday, 9-06-01; www.PreachingToday.com)
True beauty for both men and women comes from a servant’s heart. So if you want to see God’s grace transform your marriage, or any relationship, then learn to serve like Jesus did. Come to Him today and let Him give you His heart.
