A. There is an old Chinese parable about a woman whose only son died.
1. As you can imagine, she was grief-stricken beyond consolation.
2. She made her way to an old, wise man seeking his assistance.
3. She was surprised and hopeful when he promised to give her back her son if she would bring him a mustard seed from a home where there had never been sorrow.
4. Eagerly she started her search, and went from house to house.
5. In every case, at every home, she learned that a loved one there had also been lost.
6. She returned to the old, wise man without a mustard seed, but with the new found truth that sorrow is common to all.
B. That is a truth that I have tried to keep in the forefront of my thinking throughout my ministry – that every person I meet and every person in our church has experienced heartache of some kind.
1. Let’s do a little survey this morning:
a. Raise your hand if someone you have known has died.
b. Raise your hand if that someone was someone very close to you.
c. Raise your hand if that someone has died recently – in the last year or two.
d. Raise your hand if you have ever had a loss of another kind – the loss of a job or career, the loss of a friendship, the loss of an engagement or a marriage, the loss of your health, the loss of a dream, the loss of innocence, the loss of a limb, or the loss of finances or the loss of a pet.
2. The reality of life is that it is filled with loss and sorrow.
a. Loss is unavoidable, but grief is a choice.
b. We have to choose to grieve, but a lot of people choose not to – so they stuff their pain, and they deny it, trying to go through all the losses of life without ever grieving, but that’s a big mistake.
c. Grief is a choice, because we have to choose to let grief in and to allow ourselves to feel it.
d. The emotions that we will undergo during grieving our losses will possibly be the most painful and confusing experiences we will ever have.
e. Grief is the fixed cost of human attachment – if you love well, you will hurt.
f. Someone wrote: “Love is the fabric of a life well lived. Grief is the tapestry of a life well loved.” (J. B. McPhail.)
3. And when we choose to go through the grieving process, we are often caught off-guard by its messiness.
a. When we allow ourselves to grieve it isn’t something that comes and goes in an orderly fashion – you simply don’t get over a loss or through a loss in a predetermined period of time.
b. Society tends to believe that grief makes you just feel sad – if only grief was that simple.
c. But in reality, when we experience loss and grief we need to be prepared for the fact that grief will drag us through a huge expanse of emotions.
d. We will go from the raw, debilitating and shocking wound of our immediate loss to the long-term feelings of loneliness, isolation and longing for the one or thing we have lost.
e. And our emotions will fluctuate - changing rapidly – intensifying and then retreating again, only to reemerge when we least expect them.
f. The emotions of grief are a mix of many emotions – including: guilt, anger, despair, regret, fear, sadness, envy, hopelessness, worry and self-pity, just to name a few.
g. Not only that, grief is full of paradoxes and the emotions we experience are often a mix of bittersweet and they can seem to be in conflict with each other.
h. As we grieve, we need to learn to make space to feel two seemingly opposite things at the same time.
C. During our sermon series on emotions, we have explored many of those emotions individually that we just listed, but today as we try to focus on the emotions of grief and sorrow, we have to realize that the grieving process is complicated and the emotions involved in grief are many.
1. The actual scope of emotional possibilities is almost endless.
2. But if these feelings are not acknowledged, identified and worked with and through, then they can pull us down into the quicksand of grief, like a weight attached to our ankle can pull us to the bottom of the sea.
3. Unfortunately, many times we try to push these emotions aside because they may not be “acceptable” ways of coping in our opinion or in the opinion of others.
4. While grief has universal aspects to it, it tends to be very personal and unique to the individual.
5. Which means there is no completely right or wrong way to grieve.
D. One of the things I have been trying to drive home with us during this series is that God has given us emotions for our well-being.
1. God has created us with the ability to feel grief and sorrow for our own good.
2. The reason we can and should feel grief is because God feels grief and we are made in God’s image.
3. Yes, the God who made us and the God we serve experiences the emotions of sadness, sorrow and grief.
4. If we deny ourselves permission to grieve, then we deny one of very things that makes us like God, and makes us different from the rest of creation.
E. Let’s spend a few minutes being reminded of biblical individuals who experienced and expressed grief.
1. Let’s start with the story of Hannah, because she was grieving because she was childless.
a. In 1 Samuel 1, we are told about Elkanah and his wives Peninnah and Hannah.
b. Year after year, Elkanah and his wives would go worship God at the tabernacle in Shiloh.
c. Year after year, Peninnah would taunt Hannah because she was barren.
d. We are told that Hannah poured out her heart to God with many tears.
e. Eli the priest saw Hannah pouring out her heart and accused her of being drunk.
f. Hannah defended herself saying: “No, my lord, I am a woman with a broken heart. I haven’t had any wine or beer; I’ve been pouring out my heart before the Lord. Don’t think of me as a wicked woman; I’ve been praying from the depth of my anguish and resentment.” (1 Sam. 1:15-16)
g. Can you hear the pain of her grief?
h. Eli responded, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant the request you’ve made of him.” (1 Sam. 1:17)
i. Hannah’s grief turned to joy when God allowed her to conceive, give birth to Samuel and dedicate him to God’s service under Eli.
j. So that’s a good example of one kind of grief.
2. Here’s an example of traditional grief at the time of someone’s death.
a. When Moses died, the Bible says: The Israelites wept for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days. Then the days of weeping and mourning for Moses came to an end. (Dt. 34:8)
b. How about that, weeping and mourning for 30 days.
c. I think it would be helpful if our society had an acknowledged period. Don’t you?
3. Similarly, let’s look at the grief expressed by Jacob when he thought Joseph was dead.
a. You will recall that after Jacob showed unwise favoritism to his son Joseph by giving him the coat of many colors, Joseph’s brothers beat him and sold him to slavery, then dipped the coat of many colors in animal blood and brought it to their father.
b. When Jacob saw the coat, the Bible says: [He] recognized it. “It is my son’s robe,” he said. “A vicious animal has devoured him. Joseph has been torn to pieces!” Then Jacob tore his clothes, put sackcloth around his waist, and mourned for his son many days. All his sons and daughters tried to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. “No,” he said. “I will go down to Sheol to my son, mourning.” And his father wept for him. (Gen. 37:33-35)
c. Few things are harder or sadder than for a parent to lose a child.
4. Perhaps the best example of someone who experienced grief and loss is Job.
a. At the beginning of Job’s story, we are told that he was a person of integrity and the greatest man among all the people of the east.
b. He had 7 sons and 3 daughters, 7000 sheep, 3000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen, 500 donkeys, and a very large number of servants.
c. Then, in one day, Job lost all his servants, all his sheep, all his camels, and all his children.
d. The Bible says: Then Job stood up, tore his robe, and shaved his head. He fell to the ground and worshiped. (Job 1:20)
e. Then soon thereafter, Job lost his health being infected with terrible boils from the soles of his feet to the top of his head.
f. The Bible says: Then Job took a piece of broken pottery to scrape himself while he sat among the ashes. (Job 2:8)
g. Job grieved his losses in traditional, cultural ways, while he maintained his faith in God.
5. Let me share a final heartbreaking scene of grief found in 2 Samuel 21.
a. It’s kind of a complicated story – God sent a famine on in Israel because of what King Saul had done by breaking his treaty with the Gibeonites and killing many of them years earlier.
b. When David discovered from the Lord the reason for the famine, he asked the Gibeonites how they could atone for what King Saul had done – I’m sure David expected a request for silver or gold in restitution, or something like that.
c. The Gibeonites, however, asked that 7 sons of King Saul be turned over to them for execution.
d. David turned over 7 of Saul’s descendants, two of whom were sons by Saul’s wife Rizpah.
e. The seven descendants of Saul were hanged by the Gibeonites and left hanging in disgrace.
f. Then comes the heartbreaking tribute of grief shown by Rizpah…the Bible says: Rizpah took sackcloth and spread it out for herself on the rock from the beginning of the harvest until the rain poured down from heaven on the bodies [a two month period]. She kept the birds of the sky from them by day and the wild animals by night. (2 Sam. 21:10)
g. That is truly a unique expression of love and grief on her part.
h. In reality, grief is our final expression of love, the last gift we have to offer our loved one.
F. What we see in common in all these stories is emotional pain and physical expressions of grief.
1. From this I think we should conclude that grieving is essential and healthy.
2. Grieving, in fact, is the only healthy response to loss.
3. There are two unhealthy reactions to loss – repression and suppression.
a. Repression is when we unconsciously try to block out painful thoughts and feelings.
b. Suppression is when we consciously try to block out painful thoughts and feelings.
4. To not allow ourselves to sort through the painful thoughts and feelings of loss is a mistake.
5. The grieving process is God’s gift for getting us through the losses and transitions of life.
6. The grieving process cannot be hurried or brushed aside.
7. The emotions of grief must be felt and processed so we can eventually move to a place where we are able to live with our losses.
a. The emotions we feel will help to heal our broken hearts.
b. The emotions will help us to accept that our lives will be different because of our losses.
c. Not only will life be different, but we will be different because of our losses.
8. As we work through the emotions, we will be able to hang onto the love we gave and received and positive memories we shared.
9. But in the end, we must realize that our hearts will always be wounded by our losses.
a. We don’t get over grief, we get through grief.
b. We don’t get over our major losses, we get through them.
c. We remember our losses for the rest of our lives. They are part of our story – who we are.
10. I like something that the actor Christopher Walken said about grief and loss: “Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the good moments spent with them.”
G. So what should we do when we find ourselves in the midst of grief and loss?
1. What spiritual principles and resources are available from God to help us through the process?
2. First, let’s acknowledge that grief is hard.
a. The Psalmist, David, cried out: Be gracious to me, Lord, because I am in distress; my eyes are worn out from frustration—my whole being as well. (Ps. 31:9)
b. Grieving is hard on the body and the soul - It’s not surprising that people who are grieving lose weight, become lethargic, and turn away from activities they used to enjoy.
c. Getting good rest and proper nutrition is always important, but especially when grieving.
d. Because grieving is hard, we need to be patient and gentle with ourselves and with others.
3. Second, let’s understand that grief is temporary.
a. In the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon the wise man said, “There is a time for everything.”
b. “There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven: a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Eccl. 4:1-4)
c. These verses are a reminder to us that in life we will go through a variety of circumstances.
d. No one season, whether good or bad, lasts forever.
e. While we are in a season of laughter, others may be in a season of grief, and visa versa.
f. And like all seasons, the season of grief is temporary and will not last forever.
4. Third, let’s understand that God grieves with us.
a. Isaiah 53:4 says: “Surely, he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows…”
b. Jesus certainly understood what it meant to bear sorrows, feel betrayal, and weep at the death of a friend.
c. And Jesus took upon Himself the sorrows and weight of our brokenness.
d. For that reason, we can draw near to God and find rest in Him.
e. Hebrews 4 reminds us that Jesus our high priest can sympathize with our weaknesses and we can approach the throne of grace to find help in our time of need. (Heb. 4:15-16)
f. Psalm 34:18 says: “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.”
g. For that reason we can run to God as our rock and refuge: The Lord is my rock,
my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock where I seek refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Ps. 18:2)
h. The comfort we receive in God is described by David in Psalm 23: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff – they comfort me.” (Ps. 23:4)
5. Fourth, let’s remember that we can express our lament to God.
a. Last summer, we did a sermon series on lamenting and we learned that lamenting is a passionate expression of grief to God.
b. Joel 1:13 says: Dress in sackcloth and lament, you priests; wail, you ministers of the altar.
c. Lamenting may include crying out to God, shouting to God, and weeping before God.
d. We learned that lament is worship and that as an act of worship it may include complaining to God – not complaining about God, but complaining to God.
e. We learned that the Bible is full of laments – as many as 65 of the 150 Psalms in the Bible are laments.
e. We learned that God is not afraid of our negative emotions – we may be, but He isn’t.
f. In Swindoll’s book on Job, he tells the story of friends named Dennis and Lucy Guernsey.
1. They were blessed with a baby boy who later accidentally died in a neighbor’s pool.
2. Dennis responded to the loss by getting in his car and driving every freeway in LA.
3. During those hours of driving, he screamed out to God expressing all the grief and the anger and the sadness and the confusion from deep in his soul.
4. Dennis says that he said things to God in that car that he had never said before to anybody. He screamed it out and he wasn’t very nice.
5. When he returned to his home, he turned the key to off, dropped his head onto the steering wheel and sobbed with giant heaves.
6. This though comforted Dennis: “God can handle it! He can handle everything I said.”
6. Finally, let’s remember that those who mourn will be comforted.
a. Jesus promised: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Mt. 5:4)
b. But notice that the comfort only comes to those who allow themselves to mourn.
c. There’s a similar experience for those who are willing to lament to the Lord.
d. Psalm 30:11 says: You turned my lament into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness.
H. Allow me to end this sermon on grief and sorrow with a word of instruction for those who want to come alongside someone who is grieving.
1. When we see someone we care about going through loss and grief, what should we do?
2. Paul tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.” (Rom. 12:15)
3. God’s people are called to bring comfort and strength to those who weep by coming to them and weeping with them.
4. Do you remember how Job’s 3 friends came and sat with him in silence for 7 days? That was so helpful and comforting.
a. Unfortunately, after 7 days, they broke their silence and began to explain to Job why he was suffering as he was.
b. Often we think that grieving people need us to comfort them with theological truths, but that isn’t the case.
5. Joe and MaryLou Bayly lost three children – one following surgery at 18 days old, one at age 5 because of leukemia, and the third at age 18 who had hemophilia and had a sledding accident.
a. In Joe’s book “The View from a Hearse” he wrote: “I was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me of God’s dealings, of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly, he said things I knew were true. I was unmoved, except I wished he’d go away. He finally did. Another came and sat beside me. He didn’t talk. He didn’t ask leading questions. He just sat beside me for an hour or more, listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, left. I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go.” (Charles Swindoll, Job)
b. We have ministered well to the grieving when they hate to see us go.
I. The emotions involved in grief and sorrow are given to us by God to help us cope with loss.
1. Feeling the emotions of loss leads to our healing as we trust God bring us into our new normal.
2. May God help all of us to mourn our losses, so that we can be comforted, and eventually to be able to take off our sackcloth and be closed with gladness.
Resources:
• The Reality of the Emotions of Grief, article by Rhonda O’Neill, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-reality-of-the-emotions-of-grief_b_57e691f2e4b00267764fc12e
• Good Grief: How to Grieve with God’s Help, Carrie Umporowicz, https://tacomachristiancounseling.com/articles/good-grief-how-to-grieve-with-gods-help
• 9 Bible Verses about Grief, article by Nicolle Maurer, https://tacomachristiancounseling.com/articles/9-bible-verses-about-grief
• Dealing with Grief: Getting Through Life’s Losses, https://tacomachristiancounseling.com/articles/dealing-with-grief-getting-through-lifes-losses
• Dealing with Grief: Getting Through Life’s Losses {Part 2}
https://tacomachristiancounseling.com/articles/dealing-with-grief-getting-through-lifes-losses-part-2
• Job, Charles Swindoll, Word, 2004.
