It Came From Within: Jealousy
Each of the enemies of the heart we have talked about in this series has been about debt. Guilt says, "I owe you." Anger says, "You owe me." Greed says, "I owe me." The fourth issue is jealousy and it also is related to debt. Jealousy says, "God owes me."
When we think about jealousy we usually think of it in terms of what others have that we don't; things like looks, skills, opportunities, wealth, health, height, inheritance. The Torah warns us against this heart enemy:
Deuteronomy 5:21 NIV
"You shall not covet your neighbor's wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor's house or land, his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."
On the surface, we think that the problem is with the person who has what we lack. But if we look deeper we realize that God could have given us exactly what it is that we feel we lack. We don't usually want what our neighbor has, we usually want something like what they have. We aren't so upset about their new car or _______________________. We are upset that God passed us up when He was passing that thing out!
It causes us sometimes to be disgusted with what another has that we lack. Have you ever been there? Have you ever wrestled with those feelings? Have you confessed them to God and then the next thing you know you see them with that thing or that person. You may even compliment them on the thing that they possess that you don't, but somewhere deep down it still erks you. But it is always there in your face, she has something that you don't, or you have something that she doesn't that you wish you could trade-in. God could have done it differently. He could have given you the same thing. It doesn't seem fair. Your perception is that if God had taken as good care of you, you would have ___________________... you wouldn't have _____________________.... We are like Rebecca as the twins Esau and Jacob wrestled in her womb. We ask, "Why am I thus?" (Genesis 25:22). We are like the proverbial clay asking the potter, "What makest thou?" (Isaiah 45:9).
Our real issue is with God. God could have given us ______________________, but He didn't. God owes me. We don't usually see it this way. When it comes up in our thoughts in worship, prayer, or Bible study, we confess it as sin. It is an issue between us and that other human person, we think. But, really our grudge is NOT against that other person, it is against God. The person we are jealous of, can't do anything to remedy the jealousy in our hearts. If they could give us what we think we want so badly, it would not make things better. It would probably make them worse.
You think that the thought of God owing you something is silly. But, that is exactly what jealousy is. One of the worst symptoms of jealousy is the sense of satisfaction that a jealousy person gets when they see things fail for the person they are jealous of. A good diagnostic tool is asking yourself if you have ever loved when someone else has fallen or lost in life? That sick satisfaction came from within; it came from the heart.
The person you are jealous of can't fix your issue. They will always be what they are and have what they have, and as long as you are jealous of them you will be unable to fulfill the second basic commandment of Christianity--love your neighbor as yourself. This is a serious heart issue and it can destroy ALL of your relationships if you do not learn how to overcome it. And that takes coming to the realization that it is something that is between you and God. You think God owes you something, and Paul said that covetousness is idolatry. As long as you are jealous you can't fulfill the first commandment either--love God with all that you are.
A debt of any kind, both perceived and real, is destructive to our relationships. Guilt says, "I owe you." We overcome it by the habit of confession. Anger says, "You owe me." And we conquer it through the consistent practice of forgiveness. Greed says, "I owe me." We uproot greed by practicing generosity; percentage giving and spontaneous giving, always generous giving. Jealousy is no different. It is a new heart-healthy habit that overcomes it. If we want healthy relationships, we work on our hearts.
The Bible is filled with broken relationships that were affected by jealously flowing from the core of some person or persons. Cain was jealous of Able. Esau was jealous of Jacob. Joseph's brothers were jealous of him. Woody felt replace by Buzz Light-year. In every instance, there is this sense that if God had just given them what they wanted everything would be what it should be. In each instance, the jealous person didn't get what they wanted.
All of our relationship conflicts are based on the fact that we don't get what we want. It seems overly simplistic but that is what James the Lord's brother said about it:
James 4:1 KJV
From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?
He says that our desires are warring within us, in our hearts. And when we don't get what we want, those desires splash over into our relationships and innocent bystanders. The common denominator in all of my relational conflicts is ME. And if you are honest, the same is true for YOU. It comes from within! And jealousy is deadly.
James 4:2 KJV
Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.
James mentions lust and covetousness as driving forces. These passions lead to murder, contention, and all-out war. The truth is that sometimes people go to extremes to get what they want but once they have them they are not satisfied. Once their desires have splashed over into their relationships it can become deadly, deadly because it never satisfies. David's son Absolom was so enamored with Tamar that eventually he forced himself upon her and once he had what he thought he wanted, the Bible says that he hated her as much as he had loved her. The truth is that our appetites are never truly satisfied. James is talking about these unquenchable thirsts that are a part of who we are, but they are not supposed to be ALL that we are. Our normal human desires are there, but they are not meant to be ultimate things. They are not meant to be the things that life is about. C.S. Lewis said it this way, "Appetites grow through indulgence--not neglect. Gluttons think just as much about food as starving people." People with money want more money. People with power want more power. People with ____________________ want more ___________________________. And so we cannot blame others for what we are facing. James says that the problem is that we aren't getting what we want. When we own this part it has a way of really putting our relationship conflicts in perspective.
A new question to ask ourselves is, "What role do I play in keeping this conflict going?" When we blame others, we are admitting that we cannot be happy without their cooperation. If this is the case then we will never be happy, because someone is always going to do something that disappoints us or is not what we want them to do. And we will continue to be miserable, to wrestle, to fight, to war, to kill. Most times we are looking for something that is nearer than our next breath, but we can't see it because we are blinded by jealousy. The hardest thing for us to know is what we don't know that we don't know. So what do we do?
So what do we do with desires that can never be satisfied? James says to take them to the one who made them.
1. Just Ask For It
Thea Dennis begins her TED Talk by telling her hearers that she doesn't want to talk to them she wants to talk to her hearer's dreams. She then tells a story about growing up visiting her grandfather on the weekends while she was growing up. Her grandfather had horses that she always wanted to ride. She was jealous of her older cousins who were able to ride them but she didn't because she was a small five-year-old. She wanted her mother to ask her grandfather if she could ride. She was intimidated by her grandfather. She describes him as able to do anything, and she could do nothing. Grandpa was smart and strong and big and intimidating. She said that day something happened that impacted her life from then on. Her grandfather walked over to her and knelt down and said, "Thea, I am going to let you ride the horse with me today. But, the next time YOU are going to have to ask for it." She talks about all the things that she has asked for and received, just because she asked.
Don't fear rejection. We live in a culture that sometimes tells us that we should be able to get there all by ourselves that may keep us from asking. But, God is not bound by our culture, and neither should we be. Asking is a strength, not a weakness! The separation between those that dream about things and do them or have them is sometimes just in asking for them. James says:
James 4:2b
ye have not, because ye ask not.
You don't get what you want because you're asking the wrong person. That person you are jealous of cannot satisfy the hole in your soul. Instead of burdening them, God says ask me. Someone might say that you already did that. Have you? You may have asked God to change that other person's heart so that we get what we deserve. That isn't what James is suggesting. He is giving us permission to bring our deepest desires to God. Have you asked God about what is really warring inside of your heart? Are you afraid to? One of the things that I love about the book of Psalms is that they are unfiltered conversations with God. Peter says something similar to James:
1 Peter 5:7 NIV
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
The word for all here is "all." It means every single thing that we are concerned about and that concerns us is a thing that we should bring to God. If we are concerned about them God is too, because He is concerned about us. God invites us to bring everything to Him. Like the old song says, take it to the Lord in prayer, whatever it is! Don't take it to that other relationship. Take it to the Creator of that desire that is warring in you.
2. Read the Fine Print
James 4:3 KJV
Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.
As we always say, in order to understand the Bible it is vital to keep reading. To quote the first part of this passage and not the second will cause us all kinds of frustration. This verse is an out for God, isn't it? Sort of.
See the reality is that God knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows every thought and desire. He knows the outcomes to every potential answer to every prayer we might pray. He knows that there are some things that we ask for, that if he gives us they just might destroy us. And in His Love, there are moments when He says no. He knows that our lust will continue to war in us and that something will never satisfy. God is not interested in financing our self-destruction.
If you are a parent think about those times when your children have asked and asked for something that you knew would not be in their best interest. You knew that it was their little jealous hearts that were warring on the inside of them. Perhaps a good desire has gone awry. And so you quietly said no.
3. God Gives His Best to Those Who Leave the Decision Up to Him
James 1:17
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
Since every good gift comes from our Heavenly Father, we should be unafraid of taking every one of our desires, wants, and needs before Him and laying them out in His Presence. He will not give me anything bad. Jesus said this about prayer:
Luke 11:9-13 NIV
9 “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
11 “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12 Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
Mick Jaggar was right, "You can't always get what you want." It is impossible. God is not a genie in a lamp. Our relationship with Him is not a cosmic transaction. Our appetites can never truly be satiated. If you eat this evening you will be hungry again tomorrow. We can live in frustration, constantly driven by a war of jealousy within, or we can take it to the Lord and leave the decision up to Him.
“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” (C.S. Lewis)
The way to overcome jealousy is to take our desires to God, consistently. To lay them on the altar before Him and to trust that He is going to work everything out for our good. Apart from this habit, we will live frustrated and our relationships will consistently be a mess.
Conclusion: Cogratulations
Finally, if we are to overcome jealousy we must learn to celebrate. We must learn to congratulate. We must learn to brag about others. Make it a habit to praise other people. To spend time in God's Presence thanking God that He has given others such blessings. Pouring praise on others consistently has a way of alleviating our jealousy. Our hearts will follow our actions. Norman Vincent Peale said, "Throw your heart over and your body will follow." Out of your heart are the issues of life.
