Today we are going to talk about how to handle negativity in relationships. Whether it is family, friends, congregation, coworkers, strangers or random people online, we all encounter negativity in relationships somewhere along our journeys. How will we answer when we encounter it? Will we allow our flesh to dictate our answer or will we give an answer that honors the Lord?
Gen. 37:4 - 4 And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably unto him.
As we can see from this scripture about Joseph’s life, when God’s favor rests on your life, there WILL be people who don’t like it. They don’t want YOU to be blessed if they’re not blessed. Proof that not everybody will be happy for you when something good happens to you. But those people are also not always willing to walk the way you have to walk to be in God’s favor. They are not willing to lay down the worldly pursuits and worldly ways they would have to lay down in order to have what you have, though they still feel it should have been THEM that got blessed, not you.
I think we can all agree that one of the most challenging aspects of life here on earth is when we have to deal with negativity in relationships – specifically in close relationships. So let’s talk first about what negativity in relationships looks like. What would be some examples of negativity in relationships?
1. People who don’t like you and they show it, whether that be family, coworkers, random people on the internet or anything in between.
2. People who actively work against you to cause harm whether that is by spreading rumors, people who try to turn others against you, spouses who degrade or abuse you, tyrants or controllers, manipulative people, bullies, jealous coworkers, neighbors who don’t like you. People who want to BE you.
3. People who are arrogant and condescending, that act like it takes great effort on their part to even condescend to allow you into their presence. We all know the type.
Any time we encounter negativity in a relationship, our flesh jumps up and wants to get involved. It wants to answer them back, doesn’t it? Anyone who treats us unjust or who uses or abuses us, anyone who degrades us. Our flesh wants to jump up and say I’ll get them!!
When you are saved, your spirit is saved, but your flesh – your soul, which is made up of your mind, will and emotions, is not saved. Your mind, will and emotions can only be renewed. They must be renewed in the Word of God. Sometimes you will encounter people who believe in Jesus but their flesh still acts like Satan – often this is what you are seeing – their spirit is saved but their mind has not been renewed, usually because they are not spending enough time in the Word of God. If we get busy and neglect our time in the Word, the result will be a new spirit carrying around old flesh. That old sinful nature doesn’t stand down without some help from the Word.
We are faced with a choice each time we encounter negativity in a relationship and that choice is…How am I going to respond to this? Will I let my flesh respond FOR me? Or will I let the Word of God and the Spirit of God determine my response?
Back in 2015, I was out walking my dogs one day, a man in my neighborhood verbally attacked me and threatened one of my dogs. We were not even walking on his side of the street. I was so completely shocked. No one in the townhouse neighborhood had EVER spoken to me like that before! If that had happened before I was saved, I would have opened my mouth and a lot of stuff would have come out of my mouth that would not have been Godly in character. My flesh would have given him an answer he would not soon have forgotten, and I would have allowed it to. However, since I have been saved, I have learned that, as Prov. 29:11 says, 11 A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.
Words are very powerful. Do you still remember things spoken to you forty years ago by some thoughtless or cruel person? I know I do. I don’t ever want to be guilty of causing someone 10, 20, 30 years of pain from speaking unkindly to them. God does not look kindly on that, and what we sow, we WILL reap.
You cannot UNSAY something once you have spoken it. That’s a good thing to remember in close relationships. No matter how badly you want to tell someone who is being ugly to you what you REALLY think of them, you can never UNSAY those words once they leave your lips and the results can be truly devastating – to them AND to you. You can apologize, but that only goes so far. You cannot undo the damage you did to them. But more than that, we want to honor God in our conduct and in the way we treat people.
Let me tell you something. God will not promote you if you don’t treat people well. Maybe at work you’re Mr. or Mrs. Nice Guy but you go home and act like a monster to your spouse and children. God is NOT going to overlook that. Its not okay with the Lord for you to treat people unkind behind the scenes – He sees everything! If you think He is going to promote you when you treat the people close to you or those who work for you terribly, you better think again because that is not the way He works. God cares about them every bit as much as He does you. He cares VERY much how we treat other people.
So the man who launched that surprise verbal attack on me would be an example of encountering negativity in relationships – in this case a distant neighbor in my neighborhood. And I just kind of picked up my dogs and went home and I was really upset. I was literally was afraid to go out and walk my dogs for a few weeks after that happened.
So I prayed about it and I said, Lord, this is not right. I didn’t do anything to that man! I did not even speak to him. And before a month was out, that man moved out of the neighborhood and I never saw him again.
Another example would be when you find out someone is slandering you. I’ve seen some pretty vicious stuff out on the internet about me that was nowhere near the truth. And you know, you have to realize that 90% of the time when that happens, those are people that don’t even know you. All they have is just some perception of you they got secondhand from somebody else that also probably didn’t know you. I generally just pray for them and keep on going. You can’t really do much about ignorance.
You can fight backagainst negativity in relationships. I could have stood in the street and argued with that man but it wouldn’t have done any good, and it would have made me look like an argumentative fool and that’s not conducive to being a witness for Christ. You can fight fire with fire but all you end up with is a big pile of ashes regardless of who is right or wrong. Only the devil wins in those arguments.
Look at James Chapter 3:
James 3:5-6
5 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
And though the tongue has no bones, it is strong enough to break a heart. – Irina Swart
James Chapter 1 says - If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain (useless, serves no purpose). - James 1:26
So you can believe in God all day long, but if you’re running your mouth at people and acting ugly, you’re faith is WORTHLESS.
1. So WHY do we have such a hard time in response to negativity? Why is it so hard sometimes to do right in the face of wrong? I believe the #1 reason of all time is its Pride. It’s just pridefulness.
The reason we can’t just let stuff roll off of us and we have GOT to have our say, and if possible, the last word, right? We want them to know they didn’t fool US. They didn’t beat US.
The reason is because we are trying to avoid feeling stupid and being humiliated, aren’t we? We’re trying to avoid feeling used and abused. We’re trying to avoid feeling put down and degraded. But I think I would rather feel stupid and be humiliated than displease God because I know Pride is the first thing that will get you cast into the wilderness. It did me! And that is some place I don’t want to revisit.
2. I think the second reason is because we have unhealed wounds – pain and anger from long ago that just prohibits us from remaining silent in the face of any kind of anger or abuse or anything like that. If you have wounds that are unhealed, you have unforgiveness and the spirits that attach themselves to those places of spiritual infection will JUMP UP when something happens to you or somebody attacks you or something like that, they will jump out there and start a big fight.
3. Sometimes negativity in relationships comes along with rejection and we’re feeling the sting of rejection or we’re just hurt by that person’s actions and we want to strike out when we’re hurt because we’re human. But the Bible says when somebody hurts us, we’re to go to them and tell them what they did wrong, doesn’t it. But that’s a real hard thing to do – you really have to prepare yourself and be prayed up for that, simply because we never know how they will respond and we could get hurt even more. It also says not to let the sun go down on your anger. Why is that? Because if the sun goes down on your anger, that anger festers and boils and becomes bitterness and none of us needs to have any of that. That same verse, Ephesians 4:26, says Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
4.
Its okay to be upset, its okay to be angry, but don’t sin with your mouth. Take a deep breath and then give a SOFT answer. And vs. 27 says neither give place to the devil.
When we go off on somebody, that’s what we’re doing, we’re giving place to the devil in our lives. We’re swinging the front door open and saying Come on in, Satan, let’s do this your way!
And vs. 31 says:
Ephesians 4:31
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
And vs. 32 –
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
We must always – always, always be mindful of how much Jesus has forgiven us for. And we must always be mindful to show the same grace to others that He has shown to us, and it is not always easy, is it?
Relationships are imperfect because WE are imperfect. And we are constantly harassed by the accuser of the brethren who, the Bible says, accuses our brethren. Night and day, night and day. And he also accuses US, night and day, night and day. He tries to drive us crazy with it. And then you have the demons trying to put THEIR two cents in, and then you have your flesh trying to do what IT wants to do.
So each time we encounter negativity in a relationship, we are dealing with all these factors. And unless we stay in the Word of God and stay in prayer, its going to be really hard to respond any way but how the world does and how the devil wants you to.
Joseph, in the face of all that negativity from his brothers that were so ugly to him, he kept doing the right thing. He kept walking with God, and just doing the right thing as he came to each situation. That’s why we are reading about him in the Bible. Moses also encountered negativity. People who questioned his authority, who gossiped behind his back, Moses interceded for them. He responded by interceding for those people because he KNEW God was going to recompense them, didn’t he.
Then there was King David –
David faced negativity in close relationships – his brothers were jealous of him long before he became King.
1 Sam. 17:28-29 – When David was asking about Goliath
28 And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart; for thou art come down that thou mightest see the battle.
29 And David said, What have I now done? Is there not a cause?
And you know, it was right after that that David did what no one else there had done, he slew Goliath. This is the way God will repay your enemies if you strive to honor Him in all you do like David did. He will parade your victories and accomplishments right in their faces.
King Saul was jealous of him and pursued him through the wilderness for a long time, hoping to kill him.
1 Samuel 23:7-10 – Just one of many instances in the wilderness
7 And it was told Saul that David was come to Keilah. And Saul said, God hath delivered him into mine hand; for he is shut in, by entering into a town that hath gates and bars.
8 And Saul called all the people together to war, to go down to Keilah, to besiege David and his men.
9 And David knew that Saul secretly practised mischief against him; and he said to Abiathar the priest, Bring hither the ephod.
10 Then said David, O Lord God of Israel, thy servant hath certainly heard that Saul seeketh to come to Keilah, to destroy the city for my sake.
Even as King Saul pursued him and trapped him in rough places, David continued to seek the Lord. He also continued to honor King Saul. Is it any wonder God called him a man after His own heart in 1 Sam. 13:14?
His wife Michal mocked him for his worship of the Lord.
2 Samuel 6:16
16 And as the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal Saul's daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.
2 Samuel 6:20
20 Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself!
Jesus dealt with all kinds of negativity – his family apparently thought he was a few French fries short of a Happy Meal, the Pharisees couldln’t STAND Him and Judas wanted to BE Him. So he got it from every side, and yet held up with Grace and continued preaching the Truth. Through it all, He never lost sight of His mission, to preach the gospel as the Messiah of the World.
What I want you to see here is that in every one of these cases in these righteous people’s lives, they did the right thing when the right thing was not happening to them, and THEN GOD EXALTED THEM and HE righted the wrong.
In every case, they continued to do the right thing and then God promoted them.
Have you ever held a simple cross and just contemplated it? I did, and I wondered Why did God choose a cross – why not a square or a triangle? Look at it.
One arm of the cross points to heaven, our eternal home.
Two arms point to all those around us that He has given us to fellowship with and to love, and to learn about forgiveness with.
Many times I have needed the reminder of the simple message of the Cross.
Have you ever taken a Coke and shaken it really hard and then opened it up? What happened? It exploded into the atmosphere, didn’t it? Sometimes we do, too, when someone shakes US up. I wonder if we should come with a warning sign that says “WARNING: Contents Under Pressure!”
I use to blow up at people pretty easily, but once I got saved, I began asking the Lord for help and I began coming against that anger that stemmed from so many years of physical and emotional abuse.
Now whenever a situation presents itself and I feel that trying to rise up, I step back. I pray for help. I contemplate the situation and look at how best to diffuse it, and how I can help the people at hand. I find this loving approach works SO much better and I seldom ever have negativity in relationships now.
The Crosses I wear are daily reminders of my gentle, loving Savior and how He wants me to submit my temperament to Him for healing. No matter what someone does or says, He can help us give a right response, a Godly response.
1 Peter 3:8-11
8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
11 Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
The next time we encounter negativity in relationships, let’s be mindful that we represent Christ, and let the Word of God answer instead of our flesh. In that way, we will always honor Jesus.
