Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (ESV).
One surprising factor to some that has been reported during this quarantine is an increased involvement in family elements from men in general and fathers in particular. Defying the outdated image of absent fathers, today’s dads are more visible than ever, both in sheer numbers and in domestic life. Whether biological, adoptive or step, fathers recently reached a record 8.6 million in Canada — enough to populate Toronto more than three times over. They’re also a stronger presence at home, with Statistics Canada reporting that dads are logging more time with their kids, doing a greater share of housework, and engaging in family life like never before.
In spite of the benefits of increased time and participation with children in general, there is one factor that fathers are responsible for that governments, schools, social institutions and public opinion in general want to eliminate: that factor is discipline. The argument from so called parental experts like Montessori and Spock, is that disciplining children will just provoke them to anger and violence. They should be allowed to develop on their own without parental interference.
Much like a garden that develops on its own, in such a case we quickly see weeds overcrowd healthy growth. Without disciple and godly instruction, the foolishness and natural rebellion in children, unchecked, will only escalate. But in dealing with discipline, if we are all honest we must admit that we have all made mistakes. At times we have either let our anger get the better of us and disciplined harshly, or through business or distraction, failed to discipline. We may have had poor role models, conflicting advice or if we don’t have kids think that this is not a topic of concern.
What God says to the Church of Ephesus and to us is that for all who are called the covenant community of faith, that discipline and instruction must be encouraged in the family. We are to teach and model the traits of godliness while lifting up the role of Fathers to fulfill their God given responsibly. In God’s Call of the Father for disciple and instruction, He presents it through 1) The Negative Command (Ephesians 6:4a) 2) The Positive Command (Ephesians 6:4b).
In God’s Call of the Father for disciple and instruction, He first presents it through:
1) The Negative Command (Ephesians 6:4a)
Ephesians 6:4a [4] Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, (but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord). (ESV)
Note the fairness of these admonitions in Ephesians. The duty of wives is not stressed at the expense of that of husbands, nor that of (servants) to the neglect of (those overseeing them). So also here: the admonition addressed to fathers follows hard upon that directed to children (Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953-2001). Vol. 7: Exposition of Ephesians. New Testament Commentary (261). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.) Paul’s first command to parents is negative: fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. That was a totally new concept for Paul’s day, especially in such pagan strongholds as Ephesus. Most families were in shambles, and mutual love among family members was almost unheard of. A father’s love for his children would have been hard even to imagine. In (classic) society the Roman patria potestas, that is, the authority of the head of the house, gave the father unlimited power over his children, and this law exercised a considerable degree of influence in the Hellenistic culture generally. In Hellenistic Judaism severe punishment could be meted out to disobedient children. (The Father) could cast any of them out of the house, sell them as slaves, or even kill them—and be accountable to no one. A newborn child was placed at its father’s feet to determine its fate. If the father picked it up, the child was allowed to stay in the home; if the father walked away, it was simply disposed of—much as aborted babies are in our own day. Discarded infants who were healthy and vigorous were collected and taken each night to the town forum, where they would be picked up and raised to be slaves or prostitutes. (This command in Ephesians 6:4) was new, and in this household table (cf. Col. 3:21) fathers are told nothing about their power of disposal over their children. Instead, their duties are spelled out (O’Brien, P. T. (1999). The letter to the Ephesians. The Pillar New Testament Commentary (445). Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.).
• Yet, according to a recent report, the primary cause for children being in foster homes today is not the divorce, financial destitution, or death of their parents, but simply the disinterest of their parents. And perhaps the most devastating abuse a child can experience is that of being neglected, treated almost as if he or she did not exist. In the quarrel between David and his son Absalom was the fault entirely on Absalom’s side? Was not David also partly to blame because he neglected his son? (2 Sam. 14:13, 28) (Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953-2001). Vol. 7: Exposition of Ephesians. New Testament Commentary (262). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.).
Although it is true that the word “fathers” (pateres ) at times includes “mothers” (Heb. 11:23), just as “brothers” may include “sisters,” and that the directive here given certainly applies also to mothers, nevertheless it would hardly be correct in the present passage to substitute the word “parents” for “fathers.” The fact that in verse 1 Paul employs the more usual word for parents seems to indicate that here in verse 4 fathers means just that. The reasons why the apostle addresses himself especially to them could well be a. because upon them as heads of their respective families the chief responsibility for the education of the children rests; and b. perhaps also because they, in certain instances even more than the mothers, are in need of the admonition here conveyed (Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953-2001). Vol. 7: Exposition of Ephesians. New Testament Commentary (261). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.).
Because a father was by far the dominant figure in the households of that day, he was the parent who would most often provoke his children to anger. But a mother is obviously capable of doing the same thing, and she is no more justified in doing it than is a father. Grammatically, the command is expressed as a PRESENT ACTIVE IMPERATIVE with the NEGATIVE PARTICLE which usually means to stop an act already in process. To provoke … to anger suggests a repeated, ongoing pattern of treatment that gradually builds up a deep–seated anger and resentment that boils over in outward hostility. Such treatment is usually not intended to provoke … anger. Often it is thought to be for the child’s good, Well–meaning overprotection is a common cause of resentment in children. Parents who smother their children, overly restrict where they can go and what they can do, never trust them to do things on their own, and continually question their judgment build a barrier between themselves and their children—usually under the delusion that they are building a closer relationship. (Utley, R. J. (1997). Vol. Volume 8: Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians). Study Guide Commentary Series (135). Marshall, TX: Bible Lessons International.).
Please turn to Colossians 3
Children need careful guidance and certain restrictions, but they are individual human beings in their own right and must learn to make decisions on their own, commensurate with their age and maturity. Their wills can be guided but they cannot be controlled. Fathers can provoke their children to anger through favoritism (cf. Gen. 25:28), comparing the child with another child, pushing achievement beyond reasonable bounds, fostering discouragement, not giving them due attention, pushing them beyond their ability, using love as a reward for behavior, or through verbal or physical abuse. For the family to properly function there must be a careful consideration of each member of the household.
Notice the pattern of mutual consideration in Colossians 3
Colossians 3:18-4:1 [18] Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. [19] Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. [20] Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. [21] Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. [22] Slaves, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. [23] Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, [24] knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. [25] For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. [4:1] Masters, treat your slaves justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven. (ESV)
• Instead of telling wives to “obey” (Gk. hypakouo), as was typical in Roman households, Paul appeals to them to “submit” (Gk. hypotasso), based on his conviction that men have a God-given leadership role in the family. The term suggests an ordering of society in which wives should align themselves with and respect the leadership of their husbands (see Eph. 5:22–33). Paul is not instructing the wives to follow the prevailing cultural patterns of the day but to live as is fitting in the Lord. Seven times in these nine verses (Col. 3:18–4:1) Paul roots his instructions in “the Lord” or an equivalent term, thus stressing the importance of evaluating everything in light of Christ and his teaching. The same type of submission relates to the child as well. As for the description of slaves and masters, Paul does not condone the system of slavery but instead provides instructions to believing masters and slaves regarding their relationship to each other in the Lord. Such instruction clearly sows the seeds for the eventual dismantling of this unjust socioeconomic structure (see note on Eph. 6:5). (Crossway Bibles. (2008). The ESV Study Bible (p. 2299). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles.)
• The error of our age is thinking that our fundamental problem is the existing institutions and structures. But institutions and structures function only as well as the individuals who inhabit them. Instead of removing a pillar that holds up a society, first determine why the pillar was put there in the first place. God always designs institutions like the family stressing the character of the individuals in order for the institution to properly function.
Quote: If provocation to anger is to be avoided, what should be the goal? General Douglas MacArthur said it like this: “Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory. “Build me a son whose wishes will not take the place of deeds; a son who will know Thee … and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge. “Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high, a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past. “And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom and the meekness of true strength. “Then I, his father, will dare to whisper, “I have not lived in vain.”” (1633 An Old Soldier’s Prayer by Gen. Douglas A. MacArthur as found in: Tan, P. L. (1996). Encyclopedia of 7700 Illustrations: Signs of the Times. Garland, TX: Bible Communications, Inc.)
In God’s Call of the Father for disciple and instruction, He finally presents it through:
2) The Positive Command (Ephesians 6:4b)
Ephesians 6:4b [4] (Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger,) but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (ESV)
Harvard University sociologists Sheldon and Eleanor Glueck developed a test (that proved to be 90 percent accurate) to determine whether or not five– and six–year–olds would become delinquent. They discovered that the four primary factors necessary to prevent delinquency are: the father’s firm, fair, and consistent discipline; the mother’s supervision and companionship during the day; the parent’s demonstrated affection for each other and for the children; and the family’s spending time together in activities where all participated (Unraveling Juvenile Delinquency [Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard Univ. Press, 1950], pp 257–71). The Christian psychiatrist Dr. Paul Meier gives a similar list of factors that produce right parent–child relations: genuine love of the parents for each other and for the children; firm, consistent discipline; consistency of standards for parents and children; the right example by parents; and the father as true head of the home. He also comments that the vast majority of neurotics have grown up in homes where there was no father or where he was dominated by the mother (Christian Child–Rearing and Personality Development [Grand Rapids: Baker, 1980], pp. 81–82).
The positive command to parents in the second half of Ephesians 6:4 is for them to bring up [their children] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. All the time, foremost in the parents’ minds, is to be not just the harmonious relationships of the home, or the happiness of the children, but their regard for the Lord. The highest duty of parents is to bring … up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Foulkes, F. (1989). Vol. 10: Ephesians: An introduction and commentary. Tyndale New Testament Commentaries (170). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.).
Children are a heritage from the Lord; they are to be reared for him. The verb translated “bring up” (ektrephete) has to do in the first place with bodily nourishment (Eph 5:29) and then with education in its entirety. This is a PRESENT ACTIVE IMPERATIVE for as it is the husband’s responsibility to continue to help his wife grow to spiritual maturity and giftedness, he is also to help his children reach their full spiritual maturity and giftedness (Utley, R. J. (1997). Vol. Volume 8: Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians). Study Guide Commentary Series (135). Marshall, TX: Bible Lessons International.).
Paideia (discipline/nurture) comes from the word pais (child) and refers to the systematic training of children. It involves chastening in act where needed (Job 5:17; Heb 12:7). This doesn’t mean that they are to be treated as if they were a cross between an orchid and a piece of Dresden china. It’s been said that the board of education should be applied to the seat of learning whenever it is needed. (Jamieson, R., Fausset, A. R., & Brown, D. (1997). Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible (Eph 6:4). Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.)
Illustration: There is the story of the father whipping the little boy and saying, “Son, this hurts me more than it hurts you.” The boy replied, “Yeah, but not in the same place!” (McGee, J. V. (1997). Vol. 5: Thru the Bible commentary (electronic ed.) (274). Nashville: Thomas Nelson)
Please turn to Hebrews 12
The writer of Proverbs had a great deal to say about this:
Why do we need to discipline: Proverbs 22:15 [15] Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
What is discipline: Proverbs 13:24 [24] Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
What path does discipline discourage: Proverbs 23:13-14 [13]Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.[14]If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol/the grave.
When do we need to discipline: Proverbs 19:18 [18] Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.
What does discipline bring Proverbs 29:15 [15] The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. Proverbs 29:17 [17] Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
This all makes sense in the context of God’s purpose for discipline:
Hebrews 12:5-11 [5] And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. [6] For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."[7] It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? [8] If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. [9] Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? [10] For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. [11] For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (ESV)
• Paul’s meaning in Ephesians 6:4 is expressed even more fully, however, in the proverb “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it” (22:6). Discipline has to do with the overall training of children, including punishment.
The second element of the father’s duty regards Nouthesia (instruction/admonition) is literally a “putting in mind” and also includes the connotation of correction. “Instruction” (nouthesia) is correction by word of mouth. Remonstration and reproof are implied, but also advice and encouragement. Goodspeed saw here the beginnings of Christian education in the home (Wood, A. S. (1981). Ephesians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor's Bible Commentary, Volume 11: Ephesians through Philemon (F. E. Gaebelein, Ed.) (82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.) It refers to the type of instruction found in the book of Proverbs, where the primary focus is on the training and teaching of children. It does not have as much to do with factual information as with right attitudes and principles of behavior. This training by words (De 6:7; “catechise,” Pr 22:6, Margin), is giving encouragement, or argument, or reproof, according as is required (Jamieson, R., Fausset, A. R., & Brown, D. (1997). Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible (Eph 6:4). Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.) “Instruction/admonition” would seem to be somewhat milder than “discipline.” Nevertheless, it must be earnest, not just a feeble observation such as, “No, my sons; it is not a good report that I hear” (1 Sam. 2:24). In fact, it is distinctly reported that Eli “did not admonish them [his sons]” (1 Sam. 3:13) (Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953-2001). Vol. 7: Exposition of Ephesians. New Testament Commentary (262). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.).
In the Greco-Roman world, after age seven and until about age sixteen the father ostensibly had charge of a son’s education (cf. Plutarch, Cato Major 20; Prudentius, Contra Symmachum 1.197–214), though a pedagogue and a tutor were normally enlisted to aid in the task. The education, besides learning to read and write, included training in ethics, religion, household management, philosophy, public service (liturgies), and the early exercises which would lead to a knowledge of rhetoric (pseudo-Plutarch, Education of Children 7DE) (Witherington, B., III. (2007). The letters to Philemon, the Colossians, and the Ephesians : A socio-rhetorical commentary on the captivity Epistles (337). Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.). Yet, fathers are not ultimate authorities, but Christian stewards of their families. Fathers are not to teach personal preferences, but spiritual truths. The goal is not parental authority, but passing on God’s authority to children. There is always a generation gap, but never a divine authority gap. Children do not have to reflect parental habits, choices or lifestyle to be pleasing to God. We must be careful of the desire to mold our children into our current cultural mold or reflect our personal preferences (Utley, R. J. (1997). Vol. Volume 8: Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians). Study Guide Commentary Series (135). Marshall, TX: Bible Lessons International.).
Paul concludes Eph. 6:4 by stating that the key to right discipline and instruction of children is its being of the Lord. The phrase could be understood as a subjective genitive, indicating that the discipline/training and instruction is in the sphere of the Lord or has him as its reference point. Behind those who teach and discipline their children stands the Lord himself. Ultimately, the concern of parents is not simply that their sons and daughters will be obedient to their authority, but that through this godly training and admonition their children will come to know and obey the Lord himself. Accordingly, learning Christ and being instructed in the truth that is in Jesus occur not only within the Christian community as a whole, but also and particularly within the family, coming from fathers whose lives are being shaped by this Christ-centred apostolic tradition. (O’Brien, P. T. (1999). The letter to the Ephesians. The Pillar New Testament Commentary (446–447). Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.).
(Format Note: Some base commentary from MacArthur, J. (1996). Ephesians (315–319). Chicago: Moody Press.)
