Video Transition: Les and Leslie Parrott - Relationships – Real Relationships clip
Story: Les Parrot notes, “In the autumn of 1992, we did something unusual. We offered a course at Seattle Pacific University that promised to answer questions openly and honestly about family, friends, dating, and sex. In short, its purpose was to teach the basics of good relationships. Colleges around the world offer instruction on nearly every conceivable topic, but try to find a course on how to have good relationships and you’ll look for a long time. We wanted to change that. As a psychologist (Les) and a marriage and family therapist (Leslie) teaching on a university campus, we had our hands on stacks of relationship research showing that, with a little help, most of us can make our bad relationships better and our good relationships great. And that’s exactly what we wanted to teach students to do.”
I word it this way “We need to know how to get spiritual breakthroughs in our relationships.”
Les continues, “Since that first autumn, we have lectured to thousands of students on campuses and in churches across the country, teaching the basics of good relationships. And we always begin with the same sentence: If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of wholeness on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself. Why does this sentence matter? Because your relationship can only be as healthy as you are. Therefore one of the most important things you’ll ever do to build healthy relationships is work on your own personal wellbeing – emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. Truth be told, we can’t rely on someone else to complete us. Not even our spouse. Ultimately, our compulsion for completion is met in a relationship with God. And it’s the Holy Spirit, as this week’s verse indicates, that empowers us to grow strong. The more we lean into the Holy Spirit for “completion” the healthier we become. This single sentence that we give to our students in Relationships 101 holds the key to finding genuine fulfillment for every relationship—including your marriage. If you do not grasp its message, the best you can hope for is a false and fleeting sense of emotional closeness, the kind that comes from a series of temporary attachments. Once you understand and internalize the truth of this sentence, however, you’ll discover the abiding comfort of belonging—to each other and ultimately to God.”
https://www.lesandleslie.com/devotions/the-single-sentence/
Our Theme this year - Breakthrough 2020
Thesis: In 2020 we are looking for spiritual breakthroughs in our lives, our relationships, our souls, our families, our church, our school, and our community. This is our vision and prayer! But to get the desired breakthrough in our these areas requires us to have 20 – 20 vision from the Lord. We need to see into the spiritual realm and learn how to use His weapons which will bring us the spiritual breakthroughs.
Scripture Texts:
2 Corinthians 10:3-4: “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.”
Philippians 4:19: "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."
Sermon 1: Breakthrough in relationships
Thesis: With the inner guiding and power of the Holy Spirit we can learn how to get a breakthrough in bad or strained relationships. Breakthrough is possible is most relationships if we allow the Holy Spirit to teach us relationship skills. God designed us all to be in relationship with Him and with each other.
Scripture Texts:
Acts 2:42-47 New International Version (NIV)
The Fellowship of the Believers
42 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.
Ephesians 3:16, NIV
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,”
??Another NIV version words it this way – “I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.” – Ephesians 3:16, NIV 2nd???? ??????
Introduction:
Quote Dr. Smalley : “LIFE IS RELATIONSHIPS; THE REST IS JUST DETAILS. THIS IS THE GREATEST TRUTH. EVERYTHING IN LIFE THAT TRULY MATTERS CAN BE BOILED DOWN TO RELATIONSHIPS.”
He adds, “Almost everything we do touches a relationship in some way. Just think about your day. Whether you’re at home or at work, driving your car, playing, exercising, shopping, vacationing, worshipping at church, or doing any one of the many activities you and I do every day, we are constantly involved with people. We even interact with people in our sleep. There is no escaping relationships.”
The DNA of Relationships (p. 3). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Dr.s Les and Leslie Parrot from their book Relationships says this about our subject:
“Recently a pioneering band of researchers studied the age-old mystery of what people happy. Their answer is not what you might expect. What appears consistently at the top of the charts is not success, wealth, achievement, good looks, or any of those enviable assets. The clear winner is relationships. Close ones. Nothing reaches so deeply into the human personality, tugs so tightly, as relationships. Why? For one reason, it is only in the context of connection with others that our deepest needs can be met. Whether we like it or not, each of us has an unshakable dependence on others. It’s what philosopher John Donne was getting at when he said so succinctly, “No man is an island” We need camaraderie, affection, love. These are not options in life, or sentimental trimmings; they are part of our species survival kit. We need to belong” (Parrot page 11).
By the way this is why God created the Church just read the book of Acts and it becomes crystal clear the Church was established by Jesus to create connection with God and with each other - it’s primary purpose is about developing deeper and more meaningful relationship with God and with each other. It’s about doing life together – helping each other - Fellowship it with each other – connecting with each other.
Wikipedia states this about a recent survey on church attendance, “The survey found that only 26% of those polled attended religious services "every week or more often", 9% went "once or twice a month", 21% went "a few times a year", 3% went "once a year", 22% went "less than once a year", and 18% never attend religious services.”
We hear the term of people being “lonely” and the rate of this complaint of people is increasing – but as I hear more of “I am lonely” increases I see church attendance and involvement decreasing – sadly many have isolated themselves to their castles (homes) and only connect with people through screens – like phones, iPads, computers, movie screens and Tv. Please hear me on this sad trend – “This is not God’s design for us as Christians or for people in general!”
Parrot states, “National surveys, in fact, find that a quarter of all Americans say they’ve felt lonely in the last month” …”Whatever the reason, everyone agrees that no matter what our age, we all have a deep longing for belonging” (page 13).
Parrot adds, “The need to belong is not just about feeling warm and accepted, however. It’s about literally a matter of life and death.”
Share the story from page 14 of book Relationships on “A Life or Death Issue!” and some tragic life stories! (see notes)
T.S. - So, here are a few ways you can improve the likelihood of having a breakthrough in your relationships.
1. Limit media use in your life and your family’s life because this is creating a society which is becoming more and more impersonal.
a. I was looking through my kindle one day and came across a Kindle unlimited book that caught my attention: it was called - The future of feeling, building empathy in tech obsessed world - 2020 by Kaitlin Ugolik Phillips
i. I had just read some articles on how our society was becoming less and less relational – one article written by a teacher noted how it was getting harder and harder to do group work in her classroom because kids did not want to talk to each other face to face to face anymore. They even complained more than ever about this face to face interaction!
ii. I look around at eating establishments and what do I see people sitting across from each other on phones, kids on phones or game machines – no one is talking to each other face to face – I see kids even with ear pods in so they don’t have to listen to the talk at the table – have you seen this trend?
b. So how do we seek to bring relationship breakthroughs to our life – well here are a few pointers about the danger of media we need to consider and change in our lives.
i. Help train and teach your kids to limit their media use.
1. Kaitlyn noted this study: “According to the nonprofit Common Sense Media, kids under the age of eight spend about two hours on screens every day, which is not a huge increase from previous years. What has changed is how they experience screens—forty-eight minutes of those two hours are reported to be on mobile devices, which is three times more than in 2013. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that the screen time (mostly mobile) grows exponentially as kids do. Children aged eight to ten spend an average of six hours a day in front of a screen, while those eleven to fourteen spend about nine hours in front of a screen every day. The average adult spends about ten hours a day “consuming media,” most of the time via screens, according to Nielsen.”
a. Wow – less and less face time with each other and more and more screen time seems to be the trend in America.
i. Kaitlyn notes in her book this: “Thanks to Apple’s Screen Time feature, I know that I spend an average of four hours per day looking at my phone alone; add to that eight or so hours of screen staring at work and one or two of TV time in the evenings, and I’m well above average for an adult, and even for a millennial (my generation actually looks at our phones less than those aged thirty-five to forty-nine).”
ii. But she warns as many have been sounding the alarm lately – to much screen time creates problems socially – in relationships:
1. She adds, “There is not yet a clear answer as to how all of this affects our brains, let alone our capacity for empathy. But researchers have made some concerning observations. In 2010, Sara Konrath, then at the University of Michigan, analyzed the answers to seventy-two different empathy-measuring surveys given to fourteen thousand American college students across several decades. She found that as time went on, empathy among young people decreased. College students in 2010 appeared to have 40 percent less empathy than people their age had in 1979. Perspective-taking and empathic concern (acting on empathy) saw the most declines, contributing to the biggest drop in empathy during the period studied. That period—between 2000 and 2010—happened to include the advent of social technology and a boom in immersive online gaming. Konrath’s results weren’t conclusive proof that tech had stripped young people of empathy—far from it—but they triggered a deluge of clickbait headlines about sociopathic millennials.”
iii. Did you hear the statistics – to much screen time causes social issues – one being a lack of empathy for others - even in some cases I have heard of people forming social anxieties because – of less face to face time – truth be told lack of social interaction creates relationship issues, loneliness issues, and host of other psychological and social relationship problems.
ii. “Put the smartphones down at meal time” – create media free zones and media fasts in your life and family life.
1. Kaitlyn highlights another study, “Turkle... She warned of the philosophical and moral dangers of building robots that are just “alive enough,” and what our desire to do so might say about how technology has already warped our sense of humanity. “Philosophers say that our capacity to put ourselves in the place of the other is essential to being human,” she writes. “Perhaps when people lose this ability, robots seem appropriate company because they share this incapacity.” To illustrate this point, Turkle cites a 2004 study that found Americans had become increasingly lonely over the preceding two decades, with nearly a quarter of people saying they had no one in their lives to talk to about important issues. In more recent research, psychologist Sara Konrath has also noted that Americans report being more isolated; the percentage who live alone has nearly doubled in recent years. Young people, Konrath wrote in a 2018 Psychology Today column, “may be more socially isolated in recent years, but are paradoxically becoming less lonely.” That, she hypothesized, is because they are constantly plugged in to social media, which has been shown to alleviate loneliness in the short term but has uncertain effects in the long term.”
2. Let me quote a Scripture and then make an observation: Hebrews 10:25: New International Version:
a. “Not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
b. New Living Translation: “And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.”
c. All through the New Testament I see the strength of the Church as being connected to relationships with one another – not superficial ones but deeply connected ones – these form from face to face interaction and spending time with each other! This is a strength of the NT church!
3. Kaitlyn goes on to quote another study: “Jean Twenge, a psychologist who has been studying generational differences for more than twenty-five years, says members of this younger generation are characterized by their near-complete immersion in technology, mostly through smartphones. Most of them don’t remember a time before ubiquitous internet, and a 2017 study of more than five thousand of them found that three-quarters owned an iPhone. Through her work, Twenge has found that each subsequent generation seems to have a tougher and tougher time with communication and happiness. But in her most recent work on iGen, she has seen some hopeful signs. In a widely shared Atlantic article titled “Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?” the answer seems to be “not necessarily.” She wrote that in her conversations with teens (yes, those are possible!), she noticed many of them were cognizant of the connection between their problems with loneliness, anxiety, depression, and interpersonal conflict, and their dependence on technology. They notice when they’re being phubbed and sometimes when they’re guilty of it themselves. And they seem aware that this isn’t the most fulfilling way to live.”
a. The future of feeling, building empathy in tech obsessed world 2020 by Kaitlin Ugolik Phillips
4. She then moves into highlighting another example of media and it’s problems today “During the campaign (presidential campaign of 2016) , two conversation researchers—Joseph Grenny and David Maxfield, founders of business-consulting firm VitalSmarts and authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High—conducted a poll of 1,866 Americans and found that 90 percent of them felt the 2016 election season had been more polarizing than the one in 2012. One-third of respondents said they had been “attacked, insulted, or called names” because of their political views, and one in four said their relationships had suffered.”
a. It’s so much easier to insult people on media sites than to look them into the eyes!
i. The future of feeling, Building empathy in a tech obsessed world by 2020 by Kaitlin Ugolik Phillips
iii. We must stick with it and keep pressing through if we want a Breakthrough in our relationships.
1. If you want a breakthrough in any area relationships, this usually will not happen quickly or easily. But breakthrough will come as you create new habits and seek the help of the Holy Spirit. But those who do end up getting the breakthrough they seek usually do so because they did not lose hope and they kept fighting for change in behavior.
2. James 1:12 says, “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.”
3. Galatians 6:9 also explains, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”
a. So, if you are seeking a spiritual breakthrough, you have to keep pursuing God even during seasons of depression and despair. If you are seeking a career breakthrough, you have to keep applying no matter how many times you get rejected. If you are seeking a relationship breakthrough, you have to keep doing everything you can to receive the blessing you desire. Everything good is by God’s grace, but God’s grace often causes us to work hard over long periods of time which then opens the doors for a breakthrough.
T.S. – The new age of technology has created more issues with relationships and created an environment which is lacking in empathy and connection with others. This produces more problems for relationships and connection. But to break out of these dysfunctional patterns we need to look to the Lord and the Bible for solutions to this relationship disconnect.
2. Seek God’s truth (we are made to be connected to each other and with Him) so we need to develop the skills to guide us in having meaningful relationships!
a. Many people will seek to improve their job skills, higher education skills in academics and talents. But few will seek to develop their interpersonal relationship skills today. The Result is broken relationships, strained relationships, divorce, no community involvement, isolation and broken homes.
b. The book: DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley addresses this rising problem listen to what he says about forming and keeping healthy relationships in our life:
i. The DNA of Relationships: “What is the DNA of relationships? It is simply the genetic relationship code with which we were created. It’s our relational hardwiring.”
1. The DNA of Relationships (p. 9). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition. The following points are gleamed and quoted from his book.
ii. He states, “Here are some biblical and basic information we need to know about the DNA of relationships – God created us to be in relationships with each other and with Him.”
1. The example of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden reveals that we were created for relationships – see Genesis 1-3
a. They were made to be in connection with each other – God designed Adam and Eve that way. He also created mankind to be in relationship with Him too!
i. But the story also teaches us about what happens when we choose to sin, to blame others for our choice of sin and in our disobedience it causes separation in relationships.
ii. It still does by the way!
b. He states, “You and I are created and made for relationships – God made us this way.”
i. Relationships are part of the creation design of God.
1. Smalley States, “It’s in our DNA: We are made to need relationships. Even when they are hard, difficult, or just plain frustrating, we need relationships. It’s the way we are wired. We have a longing to belong to someone, to be wanted and cherished for the valued people we are. Dr. Allan Schore of the UCLA Medical School has found that our basic genetic structure within the brain is hardwired to form emotionally based connected relationships right from birth. Relationships are not optional. From the moment we’re born, we’re in relationship with parents, siblings, and other relatives.
a. The DNA of Relationships (p. 12). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
c. Smalley notes, “You are created to need relationships. You are made with the capacity to choose.”
i. “You can’t always choose your relationships, but you can choose how you will act in those relationships.”
1. Will you choose to forgive or hate?
2. Will you choose to break off relationships or mend relationships.
3. Did you hear this – you can choose how to react in a relationship – you can choose to run away from a relationship or heal a relationship!
ii. Relationships will have ups and downs but its how you react to the ups and downs of the relationship which determines their success.
iii. It really is a matter of choice!
d. He adds, “You are made to take responsibility for yourself.”
i. “You are responsible for your choices and actions. You cannot change the other person, but you can take responsibility for your own behavior.”
1. A major problem I see in our society today is a lack of taking responsibility for our actions in relationships!
2. We blame guns for killing people not the person who pulls the trigger.
3. We blame police officers for using to much force with uncooperative criminals.
4. We blame poverty for crime not the person who commits the crime because they come from a poor area.
5. We blame everything from drugs, alcohol, society, the rich, politicians, schools … but very little personal responsibility is taken for the people who just make wrong and sinful choices.
6. Relationships are being broken because people refuse to take responsibility for their actions.
e. Dr. Smalley continues, “Conflict is never just about the other person.”
i. “The problem you have with another person is often a problem you have with yourself.”
1. Some people create their own problems! Would you agree.
2. Some people ‘s problem is their reaction to events in life and how they handle their relationships.
3. It’s also a problem God desires you to change – so He allows you to put yourself in situations over and over to learn a lesson – I believe God will allow us to go through a similar situation over and over until we learn what we need to learn and how we need to change.
f. Smalley adds, “Put yourself in the picture.”
i. “When you see yourself in the same “frame” as the other person, you begin to see yourself as part of the problem as well as part of the solution.”
ii. This is all about empathy for others!
1. Kaitlyn from her book shares another study by Phillips states, “In 2018 a corporate psychological assessment company called PsychTests.com measured the self-reported empathy of more than nine thousand people. Then, a group of researchers compared those scores with the respondents’ performance level in thirty-one different abilities. The people who scored higher in empathy also scored much higher in reading body language, conflict-resolution skills, resilience, and standing by their values. “If there is one emotional intelligence skill that we would recommend developing, it’s definitely empathy,” Ilona Jerabek, president of PsychTests, said at the time. “Empathetic people are happier, more self-aware, self-motivated, and optimistic. They cope better with stress, assert themselves when it is required, and are comfortable expressing their feelings. There was only one scale where non-empathetic people scored higher: Need for Approval.”
iii. Empathy – is a skill we need to learn if we want healthy relationships.
1. Share the story line form Monk the TV show and the episode of “Monk goes to the Circus.”
g. He also notes, “Get God’s lens for a healthy view of your relationships.”
i. “Only when you see your relationships through an accurate lens—God’s lens—can you see others as he sees them and see yourself as he sees you. That lens is the basis for healthy relationships.”
1. From The DNA of Relationships (p. 16). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
c. While persevering and working hard are keys for a breakthrough in your relationships, working hard is not enough we need God’s help.
i. You need to be working hard in the right ways and yes with the right skills but you must have a mindset which allows the Holy Spirit to teach you through your relationships.
1. We must be guided by The Holy Spirit if we want a relationship breakthrough.
a. Listen carefully - If you are doing the wrong things, it doesn’t matter how long or how hard you do those things it will never heal or restore a relationship.
i. John 8:31-32, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
ii. James 1:25, “But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.”
iii. So, if you want a relationship and spiritual breakthrough, you have to know the truth and then work hard to obey the truths revealed by the Holy Spirit.
2. If you want a relationship breakthrough, maybe you need to address some of your character issues that are hindering your ability to interact well with others.
a. How can you correct this?
i. Be honest with yourself – listen to the Holy Spirit
1. You have to let the word of God convict and correct you and then work on those areas with God’s help.
ii. Do you want a spiritual breakthrough?
1. Then quit believing unbiblical lies of: unforgiveness – I can choose to not forgive her! I am done with this relationship because they did something I did not like!
2. You have to first know the truth, believe the truth, and then obey the truth. If you do this then you will eventually experience the spiritual breakthrough you seek.
ii. We must seek the Lord with all of our heart if we want to see relationship and spiritual breakthroughs.
1. 2 Corinthians 3:16-17 states, “But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
2. Jeremiah 29:13 explains, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
a. One author stated, “When we seek the Lord with all of our being, he will open the doors he wants open and he will close the doors he wants closed. But whether we receive the breakthrough we want or not, when we are fully connected to God we will have everything we really need. Without God no breakthrough will be truly a breakthrough. The greatest breakthrough of all is when we finally realize God is the ultimate treasure we need (for relationships breakthroughs).” https://applygodsword.com/3-ways-to-have-a-relationship-breakthrough/
Conclusion:
Gary Smalley states:
“The truth is, we do have a choice. Lots of choices.
• Will you choose to stay stuck in a relationship—or will you determine to work through the problem areas?
• Will you choose to hold on to your resentment—or will you choose to face that resentment and find freedom from it?
• Will you choose to hurt the other person when he or she hurts you—or will you choose to look beyond the hurt to the deeper problem—possibly one in yourself?
• Will you choose to run when a relationship gets sticky—or will you choose to honor the relationship by facing the problem?
• Will you choose to look at yourself through a distorted lens—or will you choose to see yourself as God sees you?
In counseling people from across the country, I am constantly amazed at how powerful it is when a person makes a choice.” The DNA of Relationships (p. 13). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Smalley adds, “Life is relationships; the rest is just details. God made you for relationships. You can’t change that. You can work either with or against this DNA, but you can’t choose whether it exists. The only choice you have is whether you will work to make those relationships great or allow them to cause you—and others—great pain.” The DNA of Relationships (p. 15). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
Question: What do we need to know from this message?
Answer: Our culture and society is becoming less and less relational and the cry of loneliness is increasing as church attendance is decreasing.
Question: What do we need to do in light of this trend?
Answer: Therefore we have to work at being more relational with each other – learn relationship skills – we need to work on connecting with each other face to face.
Question: Why do we need to do this?
If we don’t change and seek to connect with each other and with God we will just become more and more lonely, more and more depressed and more isolated and this leads to greater societal problems.
