This last week I came across an old joke about a letter to a neighbor. It reads: Dear Frank. We've been neighbors for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my tiller, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted rap music. And when your dog went to the bathroom all over my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I'm certainly not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire. Cordially, Bob (Van Morris, Mt. Washington, Kentucky; www.PreachingToday. com)
I’m sure that helped – NOT!
Conflict is inevitable whether its between neighbors, friends, spouses, family members, co-workers, or church members. So how do you go about resolving conflict in ways that are helpful? How do you bring peace to a situation where tension has arisen for whatever reason?
Well, if you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Joshua 22, Joshua 22, where we see how the nation of Israel avoided fighting each other after they fought together and defeated all their enemies.
Joshua 22:1-4 At that time Joshua summoned the Reubenites and the Gadites and the half-tribe of Manasseh, and said to them, “You have kept all that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you and have obeyed my voice in all that I have commanded you. You have not forsaken your brothers these many days, down to this day, but have been careful to keep the charge of the LORD your God. And now the LORD your God has given rest to your brothers, as he promised them. Therefore turn and go to your tents in the land where your possession lies, which Moses the servant of the LORD gave you on the other side of the Jordan. (ESV)
Joshua commends the soldiers of 2½ tribes, who kept their commitment to fight with their brothers until they had conquered and possessed the Promised Land. Moses had given the 2½ tribes property on the east side of the Jordan River, at their request, but commanded that their soldiers cross the Jordan River to help their brothers conquer the rest of the Promised Land.
It took them seven (7) years to do it, but those soldiers were faithful. They didn’t give up until the job was done. So Joshua commends them and gives them permission to return home to their families on the other side of the Jordan River. Joshua has only one request.
Joshua 22:5-6 Only be very careful to observe the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments and to cling to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.” So Joshua blessed them and sent them away, and they went to their tents. (ESV)
Joshua encourages the soldiers to remain faithful to God.
Joshua 22:7-9 Now to the one half of the tribe of Manasseh Moses had given a possession in Bashan, but to the other half Joshua had given a possession beside their brothers in the land west of the Jordan. And when Joshua sent them away to their homes and blessed them, he said to them, “Go back to your tents with much wealth and with very much livestock, with silver, gold, bronze, and iron, and with much clothing. Divide the spoil of your enemies with your brothers.” So the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh returned home, parting from the people of Israel at Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan, to go to the land of Gilead, their own land of which they had possessed themselves by command of the LORD through Moses. (ESV)
The soldiers return home with much wealth and their nation’s gratitude. It’s a wonderful time for the nation of Israel. After seven years of fighting their enemies together, they are victorious! There is peace and prosperity, and all is well, but all that’s about to change very quickly.
Joshua 22:10-12 And when they came to the region of the Jordan that is in the land of Canaan, the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh built there an altar by the Jordan, an altar of imposing size. And the people of Israel heard it said, “Behold, the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh have built the altar at the frontier of the land of Canaan, in the region about the Jordan, on the side that belongs to the people of Israel.” And when the people of Israel heard of it, the whole assembly of the people of Israel gathered at Shiloh to make war against them. (ESV)
After fighting together, they’re about to fight each other. They’re on the verge of civil war! What happened? Well, one side did something that the other side misunderstood. The 2½ tribes built what seemed to be a rival altar in rebellion against the Lord, and that’s the way most conflicts start. There is a misunderstanding. We can’t read each other’s minds, so…
EXPECT TENSION in your relationships at times.
Anticipate some misunderstandings every once in a while, and don’t be surprised at the friction that arises.
Lee Eclov, a pastor in the Chicago area, describes two imaginary journal entries as a wife and her husband reflect on the same day’s events.
Her Journal: Tonight, my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. When we got home, he just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I don't know what to do.
His Journal: Rough day. Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why. (Lee Eclov, Vernon Hills, Illinois; www.PreachingToday.com)
She misunderstood her husband’s body language, which led to unnecessary tension in their relationship. However, he could have helped tremendously by communicating what was on his mind. To be sure, you can expect tension in your relationships at times, but good communication can alleviate much of that.
If the 2½ tribes had communicated their intentions ahead of time, they could have avoided coming to the brink of civil war. Later on, they’ll explain why they built their altar, and it makes perfectly good sense to everyone, but they could have prevented a lot of heartache if they had explained their intentions BEFORE they built their altar.
People are like horses. You can lead them just about anywhere, but they don’t like to be startled. If you surprise them, you’re likely to get kicked.
I have a rule of thumb that I try to follow when working with a team of ministry leaders. One of my mentors taught it to me a long time ago, and it goes like this: Never surprise your leaders. Never surprise your leaders. Let them know your intensions ahead of time. Get their buy-in before you make changes or do something different.
It prevents a lot of tension at the leadership level, but the rule also works with most relationships. Communicate your intentions ahead of time. Don’t startle people if you don’t want to get kicked.
Parents of preschoolers learn this very quickly. If parents establish a bedtime routine, their children don’t fight it so much. For example, if a parent says to a child, “Bedtime is in 30 minutes. First, I’ll read you a story. Then I’ll give you a bath. Then we’ll pray together, after which you’ll go to bed.” When that happens, children tend to accept it. But if a parent tells a child, “God to bed now!” without any forewarning, that child is likely to throw a temper tantrum.
People of all ages don’t like to be startled, so communicate your intentions ahead of time.
However, we don’t always communicate well, so expect tension in your relationships at times. Then when that happens, not IF, but WHEN it happens…
EXPRESS TRUTH IN LOVE.
Communicate facts with respect and grace. Speak with candor and compassion.
That means first of all, avoid responding in anger. Don’t confront someone when you’re mad. Don’t speak or act in a rage.
The people of Israel are angry with the 2½ tribes, so they gather for war and send their leaders to confront the offenders, saying things they later regret.
Joshua 22:13-16 Then the people of Israel sent to the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh, in the land of Gilead, Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, and with him ten chiefs, one from each of the tribal families of Israel, every one of them the head of a family among the clans of Israel. And they came to the people of Reuben, the people of Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh, in the land of Gilead, and they said to them, “Thus says the whole congregation of the LORD, ‘What is this breach of faith that you have committed against the God of Israel in turning away this day from following the LORD by building yourselves an altar this day in rebellion against the LORD? (ESV)
They falsely accuse the 2½ tribes of a “breach of faith” and “rebellion,” comparing their actions to some of the worst rebels in Israel’s history.
Joshua 22:17-18 Have we not had enough of the sin at Peor from which even yet we have not cleansed ourselves, and for which there came a plague upon the congregation of the LORD, that you too must turn away this day from following the LORD? And if you too rebel against the LORD today then tomorrow he will be angry with the whole congregation of Israel. (ESV)
“The sin at Peor” is a reference to the place where the men of Israel slept with Baal’s shrine prostitutes (Numbers 25). Phinehas had caught an Israeli man on top of a prostitute and ran them both through with a spear. That stopped the plague God had sent on the Israelites, which ended up killing 24,000 of them. Phinehas and the other leaders are now afraid that God will strike them again, so they lash out with anger on those they perceive to be rebels. Then they make them an offer.
Joshua 22:19-20 But now, if the land of your possession is unclean, pass over into the LORD’s land where the LORD’s tabernacle stands, and take for yourselves a possession among us. Only do not rebel against the LORD or make us as rebels by building for yourselves an altar other than the altar of the LORD our God. Did not Achan the son of Zerah break faith in the matter of the devoted things, and wrath fell upon all the congregation of Israel? And he did not perish alone for his iniquity. (ESV)
Achan was the man who stole some things from Jericho and hid them in his tent (Joshua 6). God had declared that everything in Jericho should be totally destroyed, but Achan rebelled. As a result, Israel was defeated in their next battle, with 36 soldiers losing their lives (Joshua 7). Fearing defeat again for the entire nation, Israel’s leaders angrily accuse the 2½ tribes of rebellion.
Well, let me tell you. This is NO way to resolve conflict, making false accusations in anger. At the worst, lives are lost as a result. At the very least, you look foolish.
In Walter Van Tilburg Clark's novel The Ox-Bow Incident, an exited youth spreads a rumor that a popular rancher has been murdered and his cattle stolen. Eventually, an angry mob of townspeople decide they can't wait for the sheriff and let the desperadoes get away, so they form a makeshift posse. Riding long and hard, they discover three strangers and a herd of steers near an oxbow in the river. The strangers claim that they had paid for their cattle that morning and don't know anything about a murder. Despite their repeated pleas of innocence, the mob casts a guilty verdict, except for five who vote they be turned over the courts. Then they hang the strangers.
As the vigilantes return to town, they meet the sheriff and the rancher they thought had been killed. The strangers had been telling the truth all along and were needlessly murdered by a mob that acted in anger. (Ken Bazyn, The Seven Perennial sins and Their Offspring, Continuum, 2002, page 93; www.Preaching Today.com)
Those who act in anger live to regret it. James 1:20 says, “The anger of man does NOT produce the righteousness of God.” Anger never makes things right, so avoid it when you’re trying to resolve conflict.
More than that, avoid wrong assumptions, which leads to false accusations. Don’t automatically assume the worst in people. Instead, ask before you accuse, hoping for the best. That’s what the leaders of Israel failed to do, so they lash out with this tirade against the 2½ tribes and bring the nation to the brink of civil war.
In fact, had it not been for the way the 2½ tribes responded, they would have killed each other. So how did the 2½ tribes respond? Look at verse 21.
Joshua 22:21-29 Then the people of Reuben, the people of Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh said in answer to the heads of the families of Israel, “The Mighty One, God, the LORD! The Mighty One, God, the LORD! He knows; and let Israel itself know! If it was in rebellion or in breach of faith against the LORD, do not spare us today for building an altar to turn away from following the LORD. Or if we did so to offer burnt offerings or grain offerings or peace offerings on it, may the LORD himself take vengeance. No, but we did it from fear that in time to come your children might say to our children, ‘What have you to do with the LORD, the God of Israel? For the LORD has made the Jordan a boundary between us and you, you people of Reuben and people of Gad. You have no portion in the LORD.’ So your children might make our children cease to worship the LORD. Therefore we said, ‘Let us now build an altar, not for burnt offering, nor for sacrifice, but to be a witness between us and you, and between our generations after us, that we do perform the service of the LORD in his presence with our burnt offerings and sacrifices and peace offerings, so your children will not say to our children in time to come, “You have no portion in the LORD.” ’ And we thought, ‘If this should be said to us or to our descendants in time to come, we should say, “Behold, the copy of the altar of the LORD, which our fathers made, not for burnt offerings, nor for sacrifice, but to be a witness between us and you.” ’ Far be it from us that we should rebel against the LORD and turn away this day from following the LORD by building an altar for burnt offering, grain offering, or sacrifice, other than the altar of the LORD our God that stands before his tabernacle!” (ESV)
The 2½ tribes calmly explain that they built the altar as a witness that they are one with the rest of Israel, not as a rival altar in rebellion against Israel. The 2½ tribes respond with respect and grace.
Instead of retaliatory attack, they calmly communicate their intentions, and that’s what you need to do if you want to resolve conflict. Respond with respect and grace. That means avoid responding in anger. Avoid wrong assumptions and false accusations.
And even if you are falsely accused, avoid a retaliatory attack. Avoid reacting in kind, and just speak the truth in love.
In the First Century, Jews and Gentiles despised each other. However, they found themselves following Christ together and worshipping in the same gatherings. That was the case in the Ephesian church, so Paul writes them a letter urging them to “maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” by “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:3, 15). You see, unity is maintained when people speak the truth in love!
That’s how Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. responded to the injustice of his day. Chuck Colson, in a Christianity Today article eight years ago (2011), said of him, “If anyone had a right to unleash an uncivil, scathing… attack on his opponents, it was Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. [Think of] the conditions under which many African Americans lived throughout the South [in his day]. Segregation, lynching’s, African American churches and homes firebombed. Jim Crow laws even prevented “colored people” from attending the circus and playing pool with whites.
“Yet civil rights leaders painfully, persistently, and peacefully protested the injustice of segregation. In doing so, they often broke segregation laws. All too often, protesters reaped a reward of fire hoses, police dogs, and incarceration.
“Several Birmingham [pastors] admonished the protesters, urging them to work within the law. [King wrote a letter in] response to those clergy…
“His response—known today as the “Letter from Birmingham Jail”—reflected his deeply held Christian convictions. He quoted the words of Jesus, and appealed to the example of Paul, as well as Thomas Aquinas, Martin Luther, and John Bunyan.
“Also, he did not question his opponents' motives. Instead, he called them ‘men of genuine good will’ whose ‘criticisms are sincerely set forth.’ ‘I want to try to answer your statement,’ he wrote, ‘in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms.’ And that he did.
“Yes, King clearly cataloged the injustices faced by African Americans. He called ‘white moderates’ to task and forcefully reminded them that justice delayed was justice denied. And most famously, citing Augustine, he claimed that ‘an unjust law is no law at all.’
“But King never engaged in name calling or personal attacks. Without distortion, he patiently and fairly acknowledged his opponents' positions—and then dismantled them.
“King had reason, justice, facts, and conviction on his side—as well as the gospel. He did not need vitriol, and he did not employ it.”
Colson concludes, “Our country is grappling with many high-stakes, emotionally charged issues… We should defend our positions vigorously and with conviction—but with civility. That is why our nation more than ever needs the spirit contained in King's ‘Letter from Birmingham Jail.’” (Chuck Colson & Timothy George, “Civility Under Fire,” Christianity Today, June 2011; www.PreachingToday.com)
Those words were relevant eight years ago. They’re even more relevant today. In our contentious age, we need people who can speak the truth with candor and compassion.
If you want to resolve conflict in your relationships, 1st of all, expect tension; don’t be surprised by it so it doesn’t trip you up. 2nd, express truth in love. Then 3rd and most important…
EXALT THE LORD TOGETHER.
Work to honor His name. Seek God’s glory in all your responses.
Ultimately, that’s what both sides did in Israel’s dispute with the 2½ tribes. As the 2½ tribes respond to the accusations of Israel’s leaders, they cry out in verse 22, “The Mighty One, God, the LORD! The Mighty One, God, the LORD!” They exalt the LORD and declare that HE is the reason for building the altar, that they and future generations would not forget HIM. As a result, Israel’s leaders praise and exalt the Lord, as well!
Joshua 22:30-31 When Phinehas the priest and the chiefs of the congregation, the heads of the families of Israel who were with him, heard the words that the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the people of Manasseh spoke, it was good in their eyes. And Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest said to the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the people of Manasseh, “Today we know that the LORD is in our midst, because you have not committed this breach of faith against the LORD. Now you have delivered the people of Israel from the hand of the LORD.” (ESV)
They give glory to God and thank the 2½ tribes for keeping them from God’s judgment. Had Israel attacked the 2 ½ tribes, God would have punished Israel for their unjust act. The civil war would have been bad enough, but “the hand of the LORD” far worse!
Joshua 22:32-34 Then Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, and the chiefs, returned from the people of Reuben and the people of Gad in the land of Gilead to the land of Canaan, to the people of Israel, and brought back word to them. And the report was good in the eyes of the people of Israel. And the people of Israel blessed God and spoke no more of making war against them to destroy the land where the people of Reuben and the people of Gad were settled. The people of Reuben and the people of Gad called the altar Witness, “For,” they said, “it is a witness between us that the LORD is God.” (ESV)
They resolved their conflict and blessed the Lord! Both sides sought God’s glory more than anything else, and that’s what you must do if you want to resolve your conflicts. Seek God’s glory! Seek to exalt Him! Seek to honor His name! For resolving conflict is not about who is right or wrong. It’s about God getting the glory.
In fact, when the Bible addresses Christians who have disputes with one another, it says it is better to “suffer wrong” than to bring disrepute to the cause of Christ (1 Corinthians 6). God’s glory, God’s honor, God’s reputation, is our ultimate goal, especially in the way we treat one another.
You see, Christ died on a cross to bring reconciliation not only between us and God, but also between us and other believers, whose motives and intentions we don’t always understand.
Ephesians 2 describes the basis for unity in the church. It says, “Now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ” (Ephesians 2:13). Enemies became friends, because Christ shed His blood on the cross.
Then the Bible goes on to say: “For He Himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility… that He might create in Himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross” (Ephesians 2:14-16).
The cross brought believers together; so when we fight each other, it discredits the power of the cross in the eyes of the world. That’s why resolving our conflicts is so important – not to determine who is right or wrong, but to demonstrate the power of the cross to change lives! God’s glory should be your ultimate goal; and when it is, you can more easily resolve your conflicts.
Tri Robinson talks about the time when he first committed His life to Christ. It was something about which his wife, Nancy, had prayed for years! At first, she was happy, but her happiness soon turned to anger as it often does for Christian women desperate for their husbands to come to Christ. Change is hard, even change for the better, and Tri couldn’t understand what was happening.
Tri says, “I remember wondering if receiving the Lord was such a good idea. I started to question everything about faith and this stimulated real and honest prayer—for the first time in my life.”
Tri says, “During this time, one Sunday after church, everything… came to a head.” Their younger daughter, Katie, had gone to the home of some friends; and when he and his wife got home, their our three-year-old son, Brook, went down for a nap. They had just met a new older couple at church that morning and had invited them to drop by later that day. Everything seemed fine until something snapped, and he and Nancy began to fight. It escalated rapidly. Then all at once everything came out—all of Nancy's anger and all of Tri’s frustration erupted. Nancy picked up a pottery mug and hurled it at her husband across the room. He was able to duck quickly. The mug missed him, but it smashed through the window of their front door.
The couple they had invited from church arrived and were walking up the front steps at that very moment. They ducked and evaded the flying mug but decided it was not the best time to visit the Robinsons. They turned on their heels and headed for their car.
Tri was embarrassed and humiliated, and he lost it like he had never lost it before or since. He started yelling and hitting walls and cupboards. Framed pictures and dishes fell to the floor. He went from room to room turning over furniture and shouting in complete frustration. He was out of control!
Tri says, “All my life I had prided myself on being composed and put together; I always felt that showing emotion was a sign of weakness. That day God tore down everything I leaned on for strength. He was showing me that without him I would never be the person he created me to be. I needed him to be more than my Savior—I needed him to be the Lord of my life,” to let Him take control, finding strength in the confession of weakness.
Tri says, “As I surveyed the aftermath of my rage, I saw my three-year-old son staring at me with huge, frightened eyes. I will never forget how he looked as he stood there in shock and disbelief. That's when it happened—that's when I finally broke. My deep frustration turned to tears, and the floodgates opened. I started to weep in a way I never had before. Tears welled up from the depths of my being, and my entire body started to convulse. I cried and cried and couldn't stop the tears. I cried for a whole life of pain and frustration, most of which Nancy had nothing to do with. I was broken in a way I can't fully express, but it was a brokenness that forever changed me. I held my son and Nancy held me, and together we cried and prayed. We repented for the way we had treated each other and together asked God to take control of our lives.”
Tri says, “It was a divine moment in our marriage and a divine moment in our life with God. I believe it was the moment the seed of God's love and truth penetrated my life. It was a turning point, more powerful than any other I have ever experienced… Not only did my relationship with God heal, my relationship with my wife changed as well. I could now love because I had come into the assurance that I was first loved.” (Tri Robinson, Rooted in Good Soil, Baker, 2010, pp. 38-40; www.PreachingToday.com)
Tri and his wife discovered something. As they drew closer to the Lord, they drew closer to each other. My dear friends, if you find your relationships out of sorts, do what Tri did. Honestly admit that you’re out of control and ask the Lord to take control. Put Christ at the center of your life and honor Him above all.
If you want to resolve your conflicts, expect tension at times so it doesn’t trip you up; express truth in love; but most importantly, exalt the Lord.
Years ago, Ted Malone broadcast and early morning radio show. One day, he received a letter from an Idaho shepherd. He wrote, “Will you on your broadcast strike the note A? I’m a sheep herder way out here on a ranch, far away from a piano. The only comfort I have is my old violin. It’s all out of tune. Would you strike A so that I might get in tune?
Malone honored the request and later received a thank you note from the shepherd. It said, “Now, I’m in tune. Thanks!” (Bible Illustrator #1265-1272, 2/1987.30).
My dear friends, get it tune with the Great Shepherd. Then you will be in tune with each other.
