Family Values
Week 5
The Ten Commandments form the foundation of this series on Family Values.
Today, our focus is on the fifth commandment.
Exodus 20:12 (NIV)
12 "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Notice that there is no time limit or age limit on this command.
It simply says, “honor your father and mother.”
It doesn't say anything about young children, or teenage children, it just says children.
That means this is an ALL PLAY because we are all children. We all have parents.
You may be 75 years old and your parents are 100.
You are still supposed to honor your father and your mother.
First, a few Observations on Parenting:
1. Understand that there are no PERFECT parents.
All of us have weaknesses and faults.
We are sometimes inconsistent.
Even the best parents mess up on occasion.
We make mistakes.
None of us had perfect parents.
None of us are perfect parents.
Whenever we talk about honoring our parents,
the topic always turns to parents who are unworthy of honor.
I get it.
Some parents are abusive, manipulative, or neglectful.
What is God telling us to do in situations like these?
Are we supposed to honor dysfunctional or abusive parents?
God is pointing out a principle that we would do well to obey.
He is saying that…
2. We are to honor the POSITION OF PARENTHOOD.
There are three primary sources of authority in life: the home, the church, and the government.
Each of these sources of authority form the basis for an orderly society and they all have roles to play in our lives.
God wants us to honor the position of parenthood,
regardless of the personality behind it.
Respect for authority begins at home.
This is a critical lesson that every child must learn.
It determines how well you're going to do at school,
in your career, in relationships.
The child who grows up saying, "Nobody tells me what to do!" is going to have a hard time with authority. In all likelihood, they will have a hard time keeping a job.
They will have a hard time in life.
God placed parents in a position of authority over us from the time we are born and He wants us to respect them.
We are to respect the position of authority.
3. How we relate to our parents will affect EVERY OTHER RELATIONSHIP.
Your relationship with your parents is a major factor in your life.
Your style of relating to other people is developed at home.
Even as adults, when you act or react in ways you don't understand, or can't figure out, often that is because your behavior has been influenced by your relationship with your parents. Any counselor will tell you that.
People often refer to mommy or daddy issues.
It is a very serious issue when your behavior is so heavily influenced because of an unhealthy relationship with your parents.
Many marriages have been ruined because a spouse has never been able to resolve a relationship with one of their parents and that gets taken out on their husband, or wife, or the kids.
How Am I To Honor My Parents?
It depends on what stage of life you're in.
At each stage this command has different applications.
As a child, I honor my parents by OBEYING and RESPECTING them.
Ephesians 6:1-2 (NIV)
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
2 "Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise--
Obey your parents -- do what they say. Do it willfully, pleasantly, and immediately. I say do it immediately, because delayed obedience is disobedience.
Of course, this looks much different when children living out on their own. We’ll get to that in a minute.
But as long as you are dependent upon your parents for food, clothing, shelter, or insurance...you are living under their authority and you are to do so with grace and gratitude.
If you are dependent upon your parents in any way, the right response is respect and obedience.
Proverbs 19:26 (TLB)
26 A son who mistreats his father or mother is a public disgrace.
I honor my parents by obedience and by showing them respect.
As a young adult, I honor my parents by ACCEPTING and APPRECIATING them.
The older you get, kids become aware of the faults and shortcomings of their parents.
They start seeing their parent’s hang-ups.
They see the chinks in their armor.
Part of this is adolescent arrogance, where the child starts thinking they know more than their parents.
But part of it is based on reality.
As we get older, we begin to realize there are some things we know that our parents don’t know.
It happens.
Our parents have their own shortcomings.
They are not perfect.
But it is important for you learn to accept them, in spite of their weaknesses.
Somebody says, why should I have to accept my parents?
I didn’t get to choose my parents. I had no choice in the matter. This is just who I got stuck with.
(I hope you don’t feel that way, but some do.)
Has it every occurred to you that they didn’t have a choice either?
Since most of us don’t get to choose our family, I guess you could say we are all stuck with each other.
That's why acceptance is so important.
It is wise to learn to accept and appreciate the members of your family. And it is something you will have to learn to do in many instances. You may have to work at it. It may not come naturally.
Sometimes it is easier to focus on our differences and their deficiencies, rather than choosing acceptance and appreciation.
That is our tendency.
Acceptance does not mean pretending everything is perfect.
It doesn't mean ignoring issues or mistakes.
It doesn't mean agreeing with everything.
Your parents may have been excellent, they may have been mediocre, or maybe they were poor, but regardless of who they were or how they lived, the fact is…
Your parents gave you something that nobody else in the world could give you -- they gave you life.
God used them to bring you into the world.
You owe them your life, regardless of their parenting skills.
That puts things into perspective, doesn’t it?
Ways to accept and appreciate…
a) Listen to them.
When you're out on your own, you're not bound by their advice but you should still listen to them.
Proverbs 23:22 (NIV)
22 Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.
You can disagree without being disagreeable.
Listen to your parents. Show them that courtesy. That's part of acceptance.
b) Forgive them.
It is a fact of life that we often hurt those we love the most -- intentionally and unintentionally.
If you live together for any length of time you're going to be hurt by the people in your family.
Effective families have learned how to forgive.
And that would include those who would say, I don’t even know my family.
They bailed out.
They abandoned me.
The Bible tells us to honor our parents.
It doesn’t say, honor your parents if they did a good job, in your opinion, of parenting.
It doesn’t say, honor your parents if they were present.
It simply says, honor your parents.
Today it's not so popular to honor your parents.
Instead, so many would rather blame their parents for all their problems.
I hope you won’t let yourself go there.
Be thankful for the good things the Lord has provided for you and your family.
That may be very little, in some cases.
But find the good and focus on that.
c) Avoid bitterness.
Bitterness is such a self-destructive force.
It always hurts you more than the person you're bitter toward.
Even today, if you're still hurting and being resentful and bitter over things your parents did or did not do in the past, in some ways you're allowing them to control your life today.
I'm to accept my parents.
If they are present in your life, the way to do that is by listening to what they have to say.
Extending forgiveness to those who need it.
And by guarding against bitterness.
Maybe your parents failed you completely.
You can still choose to honor them as your parents.
They weren’t perfect. But neither are you (as a person or as a parent).
They did some things wrong. So have you and I.
But we can choose to accept the facts and honor the people that God has chosen to bring us into the world.
God gave you your parents for a purpose and He can even take that hurt you feel and turn it around and bring good out of it if you choose to respond in the right way.
You honor your parents when you forgive them for what they did wrong and you choose to focus on what they did right.
Deuteronomy 26:11b (NIV)
11b Rejoice in all the good things the LORD your God has given to you and your household.
I'm not only to accept my parents, the good and the bad, but I am to appreciate my parents.
It's easy to take our parents for granted.
Some of you had super parents and it's easy for you to appreciate them.
For some of you it's a little more difficult to appreciate.
I would suggest that there are at least two things you could appreciate about your parents regardless who they were:
d) Appreciate their effort.
Parenting is a difficult, time-consuming, energy draining job.
As young parents of three small children, we had our hands full. Three kids born in 34 months.
It has always required a lot to raise kids.
But I am convinced that young parents today have no idea what we had to go through.
That is always the case with every generation, I suppose.
They have no idea what we didn’t have in the way of resources.
We didn’t have child friendly apps on our iPhone.
The baby gear is incredible today.
There were no fast food places with a playground.
Our kid carrier was just a carrier.
Our car seat was just that, a car seat.
Now the two have become one.
The carrier fits into the car seat.
The carrier fits into the stroller.
Mobile, Swing, Crib, etc.
Now kids have helmets, and knee pads, and elbow pads. Safety is a priority.
I especially love those clear saran wrap stick on sheets for the table at the restaurant.
Wall décor in the nursery was blue or pink.
That’s it. That was the theme.
There were no owls, no animals, no cartoon themes.
This past week we welcome our fifth grandchild.
Jaxson Tyler Greene weighed in at 9 lb. 15 oz. and 22” long. He has two older sisters. One is 5, the other is 2.
After being there for a few days this week…
I am not sure we could do it again today.
To those of you who have taken on the responsibility of raising children later in life, God bless you.
It takes an incredible amount of energy just to corral the kids, much less teach them anything.
I celebrate you and I pray for you. You are doing a noble work and I pray the Lord will bless you for it.
Maybe you were raised or are being raised by a Single Parents – One person doing a job designed to be done by 2.
Pray for single parents. Offer to assist. Encourage them.
Child rearing at any age is no easy task.
When was the last time you thanked your parents for just putting up with you?
Who else would have had enough love and patience to do that?
We can appreciate their effort.
e) Appreciate their sacrifice.
Parenting is expensive.
The economics of parenting alone are staggering.
They say the cost to raise a child to maturity is about a quarter of a million dollars.
Somebody said a father is somebody who carries pictures where he once carried money.
When a couple chooses to have kids they are by default choosing to do without some other things.
So we should appreciate their sacrifice.
Just think of all the things your parents did for you. Think about all the money they spent to put clothes on your back, food in your stomach, money spend to educate you, and medicate you, and make you the wonderful person you are today.
That’s why we need to appreciate our parents.
BTW, there are four stages in a man's life: he believes in Santa Clause, he doesn't believe in Santa Clause, he is Santa Clause, he looks like Santa Clause.
You can choose to appreciate him in all four stages.
As I get older, I honor my parents by AFFIRMING and ENCOURAGING them.
For many parents, as they grow older, they get less respect.
Affirming friends begin to disappear.
They are no longer active in the market place.
Their grown children are busy with their own families.
They sometimes can lead very lonely lives.
They need to hear from you.
They need to be with you.
They need to know if they have made a positive contribution in your life. They need to be affirmed.
There are lots of ways to do that.
You affirm your parents by staying connected with them.
In some ways, every time you write a letter, send a card, make a call, pay a visit, you're obeying this command – to honor your father and mother.
They want to know what’s going on in your life.
This can be a genuine source of blessing in their life.
Proverbs 3:27 (NIV)
27 Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.
Do the right thing while you've got time to do it.
Affirm your parents by staying connected.
All the flowers in the world at their funeral won't do them one bit of good.
The flowers at the funeral are for your benefit, not theirs.
Maybe we should be finding ways to give them flowers, while they're alive, not after they're gone.
The Bible says that the way we treat our family is a tangible demonstration of our faith.
1 Timothy 5:8 (NIV)
8 If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
That's some pretty strong language.
It is a shameful tragedy whenever a family disregards its aging members.
Part of being a Christian is to care for our families.
That may mean all kinds of different things.
It may mean going and changing the oil in their car when they need it.
It may mean inviting them into your home.
It may mean providing specific care for them when they are unable to care for themselves.
There are all kinds of applications to it.
The point is that we have a responsibility to make sure that the members of our families are cared for.
Many of you have already been down this road or you are facing this issue now, or in the near future.
Here is what Paul wrote to Timothy about honoring parents.
1 Timothy 5:4 (NIV)
4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.
It is interesting to me that when Jesus Christ died on the cross, dying for the sin of the world, He made sure to make provision for His aged mother.
He wanted to be sure she would be cared for after He was gone. One of the seven last things He said from the cross was to tell John, "Take care of My mother."
I thought a word to parents might be in order too.
It is easier to honor parents who LIVE HONORABLY.
Honoring our parents is the right thing to do.
But as parents, we have a responsibility to live honorably.
Not all do that, but as Christians, this is our responsibility.
Ephesians 6:4 (TLB)
4 And now a word to you parents. Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice.
Allow me to paraphrase - Paul is saying, don't drive your kids nuts!
Children honor your parents.
Parents, live in such a way that you will be worthy of that honor.
For some of you this has been a difficult message to hear.
It is easy to honor your father and mother when they are good, godly people.
But some of you had parents who were not good, godly people.
As a matter of fact, they said and did things that hurt you deeply. You bear the scars today.
You have suffered greatly from some of the things your parents have said or done.
I want you to know that the Bible says there is severe judgement for those who would harm a child though things like abuse, neglect, mistreatment, or molestation.
Matthew 18:6 (TLB)
6 But if any of you causes one of these little ones who trusts in me to lose his faith, it would be better for you to have a rock tied to your neck and be thrown into the sea.
That verse serves as a reminder that parenting is a serious responsibility. It is not to be taken lightly
So, How do you honor a parent who was less than honorable?
Acknowledge the hurt.
Acknowledge it personally.
At some point, if it is possible, talk to your parent(s).
Work toward reconciliation.
If you can't talk to your parents -- maybe they've already passed on, maybe they won't listen, maybe because of some chemical dependency or addiction, or maybe there are mental or emotional limitations that prevent them from being able to process a conversation like this.
Sometimes it is also good idea to share your pain with a Christian friend or counselor who can help you process through it.
The Bible says honor your father and mother.
I admit, that is sometimes easier said than done.
But please don’t sidestep this important command.
Honor the position, if not the personality.
And for those of you who were abandoned by one or maybe both of your parents, I want you to know that God assumes responsibility for abandoned children.
Psalm 27:10 (NLT)
10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.
Regardless of your circumstance, you have a heavenly Father and He's perfect and He loves you unconditionally and He will never leave you and He will never forsake you and He wants you in His family.
He wants you to know Him and He wants you to get to know Him through His son Jesus Christ.
He loves you more than you will ever realize.
God sees and understands your pain.
CLOSING PRAYER
