Putting the Brakes on Your Anger
Ephesians 4:25-32
Anger is something every one of us deals with, and we all deal with it in different ways. Some are screamers. Some keep a stoic face and only yell on the inside. Some get in your face. Some give you the silent treatment. But everyone gets angry. I heard about one couple’s discussion. The husband said, “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?” And she replied, “I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.” He said, “And that helps?” And she said, “Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
Someone once said, “When you let anger get the best of you, it brings out the worst in you.” Everybody gets angry! So what are we to do? Is it possible to be a Christian and still get angry? How can we honor Jesus in our anger? Paul gives us some ideas from this fourth chapter of Ephesians. First,
1. Use your anger for good
Maybe this point sounds strange to you. Some folks believe that anger by nature is sinful, so how could you ever use your anger for good? Yet, verse 26 tells us that anger is not a sin. It says, “In your anger, do not sin...” So, by that statement alone, you can be in a state of anger and not be sinning.
After all, Jesus got angry. The biblical writers had the same hang-ups about anger that we do today. Only one of the gospel writers was courageous enough to say that Jesus got angry. Anybody remember the occasion? Most people think of the time he knocked over the tables of the money changers in the Temple and drove out the animals. He was ticked that people were being cheated and swindled in the very act of worship. Jesus certainly could have been angry there; the scripture describes him as full of “zeal.” But the writers never called it anger. The only time scripture records that Jesus got angry was when he was staring down the prideful Pharisees who preferred keeping their manmade rules about the Sabbath over seeing a man healed of his withered hand. Bold Mark calls it like it is: Jesus was angry! (Mark 3:5) So if Jesus got angry, you know it’s not a sin to be angry. Because scripture says Jesus never sinned (2 Corinthians 5:21, Hebrews 4:15).
Common sense says it’s ok to be angry. Some things ought to make you angry. You should be angry when someone is discriminated against. You should be angry that our Christian brothers and sisters are being imprisoned and tortured and murdered around the globe. You should be angry whenever someone gets raped or murdered. You should be angry when a Veteran commits suicide. Some things ought to make you angry. If you never get angry, check your pulse!
Yet, in your anger, do not sin. Use your anger for good, not for evil. Therapist Mark Epstein says, “Anger is a sign that something needs to change.” Use your anger for constructive purposes, not destructive ones. Someone once said, “Explain your anger, don't express it, and you will immediately open the door to solutions instead of arguments.” James urges us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:19-20). Choose to build constructively with your anger, not to tear down. Look for a solution. Make the world a better place. Speak the truth in love, not in hate. Take a stand when you ought to, but do it with careful humility, not careless pride. Use your anger for good. And...
2. Deal with your anger quickly (vv. 26b-27)
The last part of verse 26 and verse 27 read, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” If you nurse that anger past sunset, you’re likely to move into verse 31 kinds of things like bitterness and rage. And guess what? Your body is not designed for that! God did not create you and me to carry bitterness and resentment and rage. Ever heard of psychosomatic illness? Your rage will show up in other ways, like ulcers and migraines and insomnia. Or we displace our unresolved anger on innocent others like a spouse or friend. They’re easy targets, right? And our anger will grow. It will grow larger, because we’ve given the devil a foothold. Our body houses the Holy Spirit, but when we let anger last longer than a night, we’re opening up opportunities for the devil to work in us.
Unresolved anger is undoubtedly what Jesus had in mind when he said, “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell” (Matthew 5:22). Jesus spoke of strong language that betrayed an unforgiving heart. And he disturbingly portrayed unresolved anger as mental murder.
Now you won’t always be able to resolve everything literally before sunset. But what you can do is to resolve to resolve it. If you’re angry with your spouse, you can at least admit it and plan together to talk it through the next day when you’re both at your best. Some of us think we’re great because we hold our anger in. Let me tell you something: that’s NOT a good thing. It’s just as destructive in the long run as the person who blows up at everybody. I was working with a couple recently, where the man would just shut down in an argument; he wouldn’t talk to his wife for weeks. He was surprised to learn that his silent treatment—learned from his father—was just as deadly to his marriage statistically as if he had screamed at his wife. He thought he was helping his marriage, but he was doing just the opposite.
Neither form of unresolved anger honors God. We need to deal with our anger, and deal with it quickly. There was a violation, or at least a perceived violation. We need to admit that. And then ask ourselves, “Why am I angry?” And begin to work through that anger toward a positive change.
Use your anger for good, deal with it quickly, and finally...
3. Learn to let it go (v. 32)
Sometimes it’s just not worth holding onto anymore. Some things are more trouble than they’re worth. Maybe it’s time to cut the line and let that person off your hook. Maybe it’s time to release the offender to God. That’s one area where our faith gives us a distinct advantage over unbelievers. We don’t have to settle every account, because God will.
Of course, what we’re talking about here is the dreaded “F word”: forgiveness. When it comes to living as the church, verse 32 is one of the most beautiful verses in the Bible. It reads, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” We need to show each other some kindness and some compassion, the kind of kindness and compassion we would like to receive. And we need to forgive each other. Why? Because in Christ, God forgave us!
Christians of all people should lead the way in forgiveness. And some do. On June 17, 2015, Dylann Roof entered a Bible study group at the Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, South Carolina. Even though he was white, he received a warm welcome from the all-black congregation. When the group closed its eyes in prayer, Roof pulled out a gun, murdered nine people, and injured several others. At his bail hearing a few days later, some of the surviving relatives expressed efforts to work through their anger and offered genuine forgiveness and prayers for the hate-filled white supremacist. Amazing!
I tell the story in my veteran groups of Renee Napier who lost her 20-year-old daughter Megan to a drunk driver. Eric Smallridge was advised by his lawyer to show absolutely no emotion in court. Bad advice! The jury did not like his apparent lack of remorse and quickly found him guilty of vehicular homicide. The judge likewise threw the book at him: an 18-year sentence as a message to others. But before he was locked up, Renee told him she had forgiven him. Her family eventually followed suit. She then began towing her daughter’s car to area high schools and speaking out against drunk driving. But she says she realized from the beginning that something was missing. She lobbied prison authorities and eventually the governor, and got permission for Eric Smallridge to accompany her. Eric, standing before a student body in his bright orange prison uniform and bound in shackles, spoke of the dangers of drunk driving. And Renee shared of the freeing power of forgiveness. In a news interview she said, “I could hate Eric Smallridge forever; that’s not going to bring Megan back...[When it comes to forgiveness], it doesn’t feel like it’s the right thing to do. It doesn’t match what you’re feeling on the inside, sometimes, but it is the right thing to do...We live in a world where there’s a lot of pain and heartache, and I want to promote love and forgiveness, and try to break that cycle of hatred” [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKwktLBj-lo].
Renee appealed to Eric’s parole boards and eventually gained his release after serving half his sentence. Christian singer and songwriter Matthew West wrote a song based on Renee’s story, entitled, “Forgiveness.” In the song he borrowed a line from pastor and author Lewis B. Smedes, who said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” God designed us to forgive, not to nurse our anger forever.
How about you? Are you a hothead? Or are you the silent type that stews forever on the inside? Neither one is good, you know. Both are damaging. Both grieve the Holy Spirit. Both give the devil a foothold. How about yielding your anger to God? Next time your angermometer is about to blow a gasket, how about slowing yourself down by talking to God: “God, you know I’m hot right now. Why am I so upset? And how can I use this strong emotion to honor your name and grow your kingdom? How can I use my anger for your righteous purposes?” That’s a prayer worth praying, as we seek to put the brakes on our anger. Let us pray:
Thank you, God, that you wired us with such strong emotions. Help us not to deny them but to learn from them. Help us to turn to you in our hottest moments, to gain your help in using our anger for good instead of evil. We ask this in Jesus’ name, amen.
