Have you ever known someone who had a spirit of anger? They are perpetually angry. Every time you talk to them, they are angry at someone or about something. They seem to thrive on their anger. They are easily offended and bitterness pours from their lips whenever they speak. Somewhere in their past, their anger started as hurt and offense.
Back in 2008 I read an article in Loaves & Fishes magazine that talked about how anger and bitterness are progressive. So I want to talk about that some tonight. Jesus said
Luke 17:1: Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come!
So if offences are going to come, and if they can lead us to live a lifetime of being angry, and to other worse things, then we need to know how to handle them.
Offense -
The dictionary defines an offense as a transgression or violation, or something that offends or displeases.
I believe Offense is a spirit that attaches to us when we entertain thoughts the enemy drops into our minds when someone says or does something to us that is offensive, hurtful or unjust. At that split second when we feel the pain, the hurt or the offense, we make the choice whether to become offended or not.
One of the signs I have seen that offense is a spirit is if you will notice, people who are easily offended also tend to offend others - I see that as the spirit working outward as well as inward, much as a spirit of murder can manifest inwardly as suicide or outwardly as homicide. I believe offense works the same way. It causes you to become offended and also causes others to be offended at you.
There is a saying that 90% of the time when people hurt our feelings, they did not mean to. Of course that doesn't keep what they do, say or neglect to do or say from hurting us. And if that hurt comes in an area where we were hurt before, the pain stabs us that much deeper.
There are several words translated offense in scripture. Another word translated offend, skandalizo, means to trouble or annoy. And the spirit of offense certainly does that as well.
So the words translated offend in scripture can mean a couple of different things. It can mean to 'trouble' as in Matt. 17:27 where Jesus sends Peter to get a coin out of a fish's mouth to pay their taxes with.
But in Romans 14:21, it means something else:
It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.
In this verse, the word translated offended is the Greek word skandalizois means: a cause of stumbling or leading someone astray.
But the one I find most interesting is found in Matt. 18:7:
Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!
Here the word translated offences is the Greek word skandalon and it means to “entice into conduct which will ruin the person in quest
ion.” So in other words, to tempt someone to act in a way you know will ruin them. And isn't that what the spirit of offense does? Causes you to act in ways that could ruin your witness for Christ? You can't go around being offended all the time and be a witness for Christ, can you?
And haven't we all had times when we became offended, angry and sometimes resentful and later the Lord required us to go back and ask forgiveness of the person? I know I have. And I readily obey when He requires that of me because I know I have a tendency to over-react at times, especially when someone hurts me in an unhealed area. It's like running a knife into an open wound - it hurts far worse than a new wound does.
So how can we avoid getting offended to begin with? Jesus said it was impossible that offences would not come, so we know we're going to run into them. How can we handle them? Is there anything that can make us immune to their effect on us? Well, maybe.
Getting offended easily can be a sign you have deep wounds, have unforgiveness and/or are not walking in love. It can be a sign that we are listening to what the enemy is telling us about what someone did or said to us. Although we are open to offenses, some people seem to get offended every day at something or someone. This is clearly a sign something else is at work, something that is not good. Usually it is a spirit of pride. Love overlooks offenses, but pride overlooks nothing. It can also be very old wounds that have never healed and that are being constantly reopened.
Offense is a fiery dart we must resist. Yes, there are times when people hurt us and they should be told when they do. Telling them gets the hurt off your mind and gives them a chance to make what they did right. But then let it go and forget about it. To keep remembering it and thinking about it is what causes it to go to the next stage.
The enemy most often will try to offend you through those closest to you - and in an area where you have been hurt before, because the hurt is much deeper when he can do that. The closer the gun when the shot is fired, the more damage the bullet does when it enters.
If you stop the spirit of offense when it first attacks, you won't have to deal with anger, resentment and bitterness from the offense later. And of course, unforgiveness.
John Bevere said in his book, The Bait of Satan, which is about offense, that how you respond to offense determines your future. And that is so true.
The most effective ways I have discovered to stopping offense before it starts is
#1 - Develop your love walk. How strong your love walk is depends on a couple of different things and I bring this up because many of us beat ourselves up when we don't walk in enough love thinking its a personal failing, but you know what? It may just be a lack of healing from the past.
* Your love walk depends partly on how much understanding you have of who God is
* Your love walk depends partly on whether you have a "Dad Filter." Our mind automatically associates like things. God is a father, so we associate Him with the dad we have or had here on earth. The problem is this. God is a perfect father and earth fathers are not perfect. Since we met earth dad first, we see Daddy God through an earth dad filter. This can cause bigger problems than you could ever imagine. If earth dad was always angry at us because we never measured up, we will constantly be trying to measure up and expecting Daddy God to be mad at us, too, since that's what we think Dads act like. If earth Dad constantly beat or punished us, we will always be looking for chastisement from Daddy God and expecting that next beating. See how it works?
* Your love walk depends partly on where you are in healing from past pain and woundedness. There is a mistaken belief out there that as soon as we get saved, we're automatically healed of everything and we're just perfect from then on and that if we have any past woundedness, we're a bad Christian. I'm here to say we're NOT bad Christians, we're HUMAN christians and God works us through the healing process a little at a time to heal us from all the enemy has perpertrated on us through all the other imperfect people around us. We must be patient with ourselves and patient with each other and this is not easy on either count. It took years to get this wounded and it will likely take years to get healed. We need to have realistic expectations. Yes, God can and does heal instantaneously and we've all seen that happen, but more often, He takes us through the journey so we can recognize woundedness in our brothers and sisters and help THEM on THEIR journeys. You can't do that if you're healed in two seconds.
The second thing I have found that helps in avoiding becoming offended and all that follows is to remember in every instance that it is NOT the person attacking us and hurting us, it is the ENEMY attacking us and hurting us. Once you learn that, you will find you rarely get offended at anyone.
So offense is generally something we all deal with often and throughout our lives. If you have suffered many emotional wounds as a child or young adult and have a lot of healing left to do, you will probably find yourself having to fight this more often than those around you. This is something I have personally dealt with for decades because of my childhood and other abuse that occurred. It is not something we do intentionally, there are simply foundations that should have been established in childhood and never were, and boundaries that have been violated - generally repeatedly, that cause us to have filters and we perceive others actions and words differently than they sometimes meant them, or we feel the pain more deeply because there is already a wound there. Very few people have never suffered any type of dysfunction, injustice or abuse, so this applies to many more people than not. These are things we can ask the Lord to heal, and we can also add to our understanding about the spirit of offense and how it can progress as well.
Prov. 18:19 says: A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.
We should be careful in our dealings with others, not knowing the extent of each person's woundedness, because we can cause them so much more pain if we are careless, or if we take a rough approach. It is the love of God that heals others, not correction from people. It is not us who bring correction, but the Holy Spirit. We can become prideful in thinking we know what someone needs and in proceeding to try to hammer our point home. We may not only know what the real issue is, but when we do that, we are trying to do the job of the Holy Spirit. Jesus did not beat correction into others, He loved them to wholeness. It is the love of God that heals, not the correction of men. A true word from the Lord will do the work of correcting by itself, there is that much power in His word.
When we offend someone who is already wounded, their walls go up even higher. That makes it harder not only for you to help them, but for anyone else to as well. It enforces the issues already present in trusting people not to hurt them again or re-victimize them when you add to their already deep pain. And since we represent the Body of Christ, we need to be conscious at all times of the signals we are sending to others. We are to be Christ-like in all our dealings, as much as possible.
Anger and Spite
Psalm 37:8 says: Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.
Prov. 15:8 says: A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
You know, sometimes it isn't just what we say to someone that upsets them (or that they say to us) but HOW we say it. Delivery is as important as the words themselves.
Prov. 14:29: He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
Prov. 29:20: Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him.
Eccl. 7:9: Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.
Anger is one letter short of danger. Science has proven anger affects the body much like an overload of stress does. It increases your risk for stroke and sudden death and leaves you open to blood sugar imbalances and also affects inflammation, thyroid and blood pressure, among other things. Clearly not positive effects.
If we find ourselves getting angry often, we need to look for root issues that are contributing to that and seek healing.
Paul cautioned us against holding on to day old anger, didn't he?
Eph. 4:26: Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.
And in Colossians he says that we are supposed to have put off anger, wrath, malice and talking about them:
Col. 3:8: But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.
Anger left unchecked is like a hurricane over open waters. It gains strength, justifying itself as it goes, and builds and builds until it swirls into something deadly that can't be stopped.
Prov. 14:29: He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
I Thes. 5:15: See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.
Romans 12:19: Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
There IS a righteous anger and here's how to tell the difference. If you are angry because someone is trashing Jesus or dishonoring HIM, that is righteous anger. If you are angry because something is being done to YOU, that is NOT the same thing. And we need to know the difference so the enemy doesn't tell us our anger is justified and then it just keeps growing and growing.
Resentment
The dictionary defines resentment as to feel or show hurt for something. So resentment is basically the state of staying offended. We got offended and didn't come out of that yet. 'nuf said.
Bitterness
To be bitter means to show sorrow or pain (again, we have not let go of something that hurt us yet), to be sharp or disagreeable, harsh, resentful or cynical. The dictionary likens the word bitter to the word BITE. I find that very interesting. Bitterness does bite us, and it also bites those around us when we stay in it.
One very important thing to remember about the state of bitterness is that it is always blame-based. If you find yourself in a state of bitterness, examine your feelings and you will find you are blaming someone for something that caused you pain. Then trace it all the way back and you will find the original offense and see the progression through anger and resentment to bitterness. If you feel you are overreacting, it is possible they reopened an old wound. Katie Souza has some good teaching on healing old wounds in her Glory Light series, which you can find at her website, expectedendministries.com.
Have you ever met someone that had nothing good to say about the opposite sex? If you look into that person's past, you will find hurt and disappointment that turned into anger and bitterness. After it turned into bitterness, the enemy came into the picture and tempted them with other deceptions (the door was already open through their sin of being unforgiving towards the other person, so he just walked right in there) - he dropped thoughts like "All women are deceivers," or "All men are chauvinists." This is also how people become racists. Satan simply introduces a thought to them that everyone of a certain race is bad while they are in a state of hurt or disappointment or anger over what one person of that race did to them, and if they bite the bait, they fall into the trap.
Bitterness is poison and we process it verbally like the body processes other poisons, we try over and over to purge ourselves of it by spewing it out our mouths. Only it never works. Bitterness continues to grow - the root continues to spread like tree roots searching for water.
Hatred
I John 3:15: Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.
Hateth in this verse means hate, or be hateful - it also means TO DETEST. Is there someone in your life you DETEST?
Have you ever been so angry at someone you felt you could kill them and not feel sorry about it? That is exactly the level of hate I John 3:15 is referring to. It is anger and resentment that have gone out of control. The enemy has stepped in through the open door and completely removed any love or compassion we felt for that person. When we hate someone, our anger and resentment has progressed to the ultimate extreme. That's why hate is compared with murder in I John.
Unforgiveness
Matthew 6:15: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
What keeps offense, anger, resentment and bitterness growing until they become hatred and unforgiveness is one thing. It is remembrance. It is remembering and turning over in our minds over and over the wrong that was done to us. Remembering the hurt. Thinking about how offended we are by it. How the person should not have said or did what they said or did. Usually followed by "I should have said this or that" in response. And over and over we turn it in our minds. And every time we turn it over, it gains strength. It grows larger and more deadly. It gains more power. And all of it could be avoided if we would just start obeying this one little scripture.
Phil. 4:8:
8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Living in the land of remembrance, the land of the past, causes all kinds of problems. This was where the man of the Gadarenes lived. Remember that man of the Gadarenes who lived among the tombs?
Luke 8:27 (KJV)
27 And when he went forth to land, there met him out of the city a certain man, which had devils long time, and ware no clothes, neither abode in any house, but in the tombs.
That word tombs means Remembrance. He was living in the land of remembering every bad thing that had ever been done to him, every hurt, every offense…until Jesus delivered him of that mental anguish!
That's something we do in our thought life. We remember. But we can choose to forget, and the Lord can help us do that.
The Lord showed me in my spirit a person in unforgiveness and inside the person, their soul looked like one giant ugly festering wound.
The bottom line is, offenses will come - Jesus said it is impossible that offenses will not come, so we have to learn how to deal with them. Each of us, in our own way, must learn how we will deal with them when they do.
If we have already entertained offenses, we find ourselves dealing with anger, and possibly even hatred, bitterness and unforgiveness. And if we do find ourselves there today, we must take those sins to the Lord and surrender them and we must work through the process to let them go and to forgive those who hurt or wronged us, and realize whatever happened was the enemy taking a shot at us and succeeding in landing that fiery dart.
Love is the opposite of anger, hate and unforgiveness.
Mark 11:25: And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
Ever notice how you can't hear from God when you're mad at someone? This is why. Your prayers are being hindered by your unforgiveness towards the other person.
Eph. 4:32: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Let's face it, it's really, really hard to be tenderhearted towards someone who just hurt you, who just disappointed you, who just betrayed you. But we have to find a way to do that if the Lord commands it. And He will never tell us to do something without also giving us the power to do it.
So how can we handle offense and anger and keep them from going any further?
* Reject the spirit of offense as soon as you know it is attacking - the minute you begin to feel offended or have thoughts about being angry or offended at someone. REFUSE every thought of offense that comes into your mind!
* Get out in the open whatever they did - when you expose sin, it loses much of its power over you - confront them respectfully – NOT in anger - instead of holding it inside and not saying anything:
Matt. 18:15-17: 15Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
A lot of the time, people do not even realize they have hurt us, or offended us. Give them a chance to make it right.
Now that does not mean that person will ask your forgiveness. Quite the contrary, they may deny any wrongdoing at all. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that you did what the bible says to do. Now let it go because it is in God's hands once you have done what is required of you.
* Practice Phil. 4:8 - this means refusing to think the negative stuff about what happened. This, and not discussing it with others, is usually the hardest part, but if you can do these two things, you can cheat the enemy out of causing anything past the initial offense and the victory will be yours.
* Read and reread I Cor 13:4-8: (Contemporary English Version):
4Love is kind and patient,
never jealous, boastful,
proud, or
5rude.
Love isn't selfish
or quick tempered.
It doesn't keep a record
of wrongs that others do.
6Love rejoices in the truth,
but not in evil.
7Love is always supportive,
loyal, hopeful,
and trusting.
8Love never fails!
Get it down in your spirit what love DOES, and it will help you not do what it DOESN'T.
* If someone else is offended at you, there are also things you can do to help defuse the situation. You can ask their forgiveness (whether you are guilty of something or not doesn't matter, that opens the door for the Lord to work in their heart).
* You can praise God for the situation, which we know releases His power into any situation, no matter how bad it is or how far it has gone
* Remember that Prov. 15:1 says: A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
and * James 3:5: Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth
The power of your words is great. You must always be aware of that. It is not wrong to tell someone how they offended you, but don't keep the fire going - either in your heart and mind or by lighting it in the hearts and minds of others by becoming a tale-bearer.
Prov. 26:22: the words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.
Choose instead to speak nice things about the person when you speak of them, and to think only on the good things about them. It protects you as well as others.
* Confirm your love to that person in some way, whether it is by thanking them for something, giving them a small gift, telling them you love them or whatever.
Here is a true story from the newspaper column, About Life…
About Life ……The Candy Mug
“It takes time and energy to have an enemy at work.”
- Gary Chapman
Everyone’s mouth dropped open at the rude comment made to the receptionist by the higher ranking female employee. The receptionist was a plain, quiet woman, not dressed very well, who went studiously about her work and tried to be friendly to everyone, though she never quite fit in at the office among her wealthy coworkers.
Shock registered on their faces as they watched to see how the woman would respond. She didn’t. She turned and walked quietly back to her desk and resumed her duties. After exchanging their best “can you believe she just said that?” looks, they also returned to theirs.
The next morning dawned a cool, crisp fall day and employees were bustling into the busy office when the receptionist walked in and put her purse away. An older woman looked curiously at the beautiful cellophane wrapped mug of assorted chocolates and candies in her hand. It was brightly decorated with cheerful spirals of ribbon. She wrote something on a small card and attached it with another ribbon curl.
“Whose birthday is it?” the older woman asked.
“No one’s,” the receptionist replied.
“Who’s the candy mug for?” the woman asked.
“It’s for Diane,” she answered.
“If I were you, I don’t think I’d feel like giving Diane anything after what she said to you yesterday,” the older woman said in surprise.
“It’s not really about what I feel like doing,” the receptionist replied and she walked off to place the mug on Diane’s desk.
It would have been easy to retaliate against the girl for her remark. She was the receptionist and answered the phones, after all. She could have done petty, spiteful things like lost important messages from prospective buyers or left callers on hold. She could have given her hateful looks whenever she encountered her in the office, or gossiped about her to others.
But the woman was much wiser than that. She knew that conflict fed was conflict that would never die. That kind of reaction was both immature and petty. And that was not the kind of person she wished to become.
How often do you get the chance to become offended at someone, to take something they said to the very depth of your soul and feel hurt and misjudged, angry or bitter? How often do you retaliate? Have you ever tried simply walking away? Have you ever tried returning an act of hostility with an act of kindness or generosity and seeing what could happen?
It has been said that you are either part of the problem or part of the solution.
It has been said that 90% of the time someone offends you or hurts your feelings they didn’t intend to do it. So 90% of the time we take something the wrong way, that person didn’t even mean to cause us pain. Is it really worth it to start a small war in the work place, in the neighborhood, in your home, considering those statistics? Is it worth weeks or months of tension and conflict even if they did mean to do it?
Occasionally, conflict and confrontation are necessary. Sometimes people must be confronted with truth in order to bring change. But very often, someone is simply in a bad mood, has an attitude of superiority, is suffering difficulties in their personal life, or they just got up on the wrong side of the bed and it frankly isn’t worth feeding the fire over.
Because a fire that is continuously fed never goes out.
Though they never became close friends, Diane was never rude to the receptionist again after that day. Just one gesture of sweetness and generosity tied with a ribboned card that read “I hope you have a really nice day” stopped conflict in its tracks.
“Life is a slow journey of becoming the people we choose to be.” – Gary Chapman
* You absolutely must release your desire to see the person paid back for whatever wrong they have done to you. If any of the desire to see payback remains in your heart, it is a sign that you have not truly forgiven.
Remember: 90% of the time, whoever hurt your feelings did not even mean to do it. Often they don't know they did do it. Resist the spirit of offense at the very beginning and you can nip the whole attack in the bud. If it's already begun, do what you have to do to clear it up and stop thinking about it. Get it straight with them and give them the chance to make it right if that's what you need to do, then let it go regardless of how they react. They may very well not care that you are hurt. Even so, you have done your part. Bless them and let them go.
You must come to the place where you can see the offense for what it was - whether it was a small annoyance, a passing insult or a life-changing betrayal, It was the enemy taking a shot at you and landing a fiery dart that wounded you. If you can learn to see offenses in this light, they lose their power over you - both past and present.
If Offense has progressed to anger and hurt, and if the hurt runs deep because of past wounds, pray and ask the Lord for healing of the old wounds. He doesn't want us to carry around old wounds from the past and you will be releasing His healing power into your situation with that prayer.
It should be noted that unforgiveness is known to be the cause of many people not receiving healing even after they have been prayed for and have done everything else they know to do. It is known to be the cause of many people not receiving their deliverance even after deliverance ministers do everything they know to do to get the person free. Unforgiveness gives other demons the legal right to stay. They will often pretend to leave and then come back, with the host none the wiser for why.
And we need to move on. Move on and watch for the next opportunity we have to get victory over the spirit of offense, and we usually won't have to wait long.
We all know the parable of the unforgiving servant. (Matt. 18:23-35)
In the end, he was handed over to the tormentors. And if we don't forgive, we are also handed over to the tormentors. Some of that torment may visit us now while we are on the earth as disease, as a lack of peace of mind, as a trail of broken relationships in our wake, as many other things caused by our anger and unforgiveness.
I read a story years ago about a woman who headed a ministry of deliverance. One of her team members was stricken with uterine cancer. She sent the woman home to find out why the disease had stricken her, as she believed it was some moral failure on the woman’s part.
As the woman sought God, she discovered she had terrible unforgiveness against her former spouse, who had been unfaithful to her. The unforgiveness, being of a romantic partner, had manifested in a body part related to that.
As soon as she forgave, she was miraculously healed, and she returned to her work at the ministry.
Many ministers say they have linked unforgiveness and bitterness to arthritis and other forms of bone disease, to cancer and a host of other ills we don't want in our bodies. Unforgiveness is a SIN and any sin gives the devil legal right to attack you and no matter how much you pray for healing or GET prayed for, you will not receive healing until you let go of unforgiveness. Could this be why so many who are prayed for do not get healed? I think it could. I think it is.
The woman who worked with that ministry didn't even know she hadn't forgiven. And many of us don't realize we haven't either. I was talking to a friend the other day and he compared unforgiveness to a hand that has tightly clutched something for so long that the muscles have atrophied and the fingers are stuck, and it no longer even knows it is holding on. We need to look at our own hands and ask the Lord to show us anything we have been clutching for so long that we no longer realize we are holding on, too.
Many people feel they can forgive but not forget, and that as long as they SAY they have forgiven, they have obeyed the Lord.
But I ask you this - when God forgives US, does HE remember? Why would we want to remember?
