Real men DO cry at times, but there are rules. Recently, GQ magazine shared those rules in a humorous article actually written by a woman. She said, “Male crying is not new. It's been happening for as long as men have had eyeballs. But it was almost always done behind at least three closed doors.” Here are some of GQ's rules about public crying for men:
It is okay to cry if you're in extreme pain, like, say, a piano was dropped from a 50-story window on your foot.
It's okay to cry at certain works of art or film. For instance, if you don't get misty-eyes at Toy Story 3, you are a monster.
It's almost weird if you don't sob the first time you hold your newborn baby. No shame in that, bro.
But it's definitely weird if you sob during a sports event. However, you can cry if you are actually one of the athletes out there on the field. But even then, you should cry only if you win. And if you're just a fan, the rule here is much simpler: never, ever cry.
And finally, never, ever cry during an argument. As the woman who wrote the article notes, “Sorry, guys, but crying during an argument is kind of our thing.” (Lauren Bans, "Bawl So Hard," GQ, June 2015; www.PreachingToday.com)
Obviously, these rules are (more or less) tongue-in-cheek, but they do bring up an important question: Is it ever appropriate for a man (or a woman) to cry? And if so, Why? What is the benefit of a good cry?
Well, if you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Genesis 50, Genesis 50, where we see Joseph crying at the death of his father, and the benefits it brought him.
Genesis 50:1-3 Then Joseph fell on his father’s face and wept over him and kissed him. And Joseph commanded his servants the physicians to embalm his father. So the physicians embalmed Israel. Forty days were required for it, for that is how many are required for embalming. And the Egyptians wept for him seventy days. (ESV)
70 days is just two days shy of the normal mourning period for a pharaoh. So it seems that the Egyptians developed a tremendous amount of respect for Joseph and his father.
Genesis 50:4 And when the days of weeping for him were past, Joseph spoke to the household of Pharaoh, saying, “If now I have found favor in your eyes, please speak in the ears of Pharaoh, saying, (ESV)
You see, after 70 days of mourning, Joseph is in no condition to see the Pharaoh himself. His face is unshaven, his eyes are bloodshot, and he looks terrible, so he asks pharaoh’s servants to give pharaoh a message. “Tell him…
Genesis 50:5-8 ‘My father made me swear, saying, “I am about to die: in my tomb that I hewed out for myself in the land of Canaan, there shall you bury me.” Now therefore, let me please go up and bury my father. Then I will return.’ ” And Pharaoh answered, “Go up, and bury your father, as he made you swear.” So Joseph went up to bury his father. With him went up all the servants of Pharaoh, the elders of his household, and all the elders of the land of Egypt, as well as all the household of Joseph, his brothers, and his father’s household. Only their children, their flocks, and their herds were left in the land of Goshen. (ESV)
That’s quite a funeral procession. It includes all the dignitaries of Egypt and all of Jacob’s family.
Genesis 50:9-10 And there went up with him both chariots and horsemen. It was a very great company. When they came to the threshing floor of Atad, which is beyond the Jordan, they lamented there with a very great and grievous lamentation, and he made a mourning for his father seven days. (ESV)
Now, Joseph is not just stifling a few sniffles here. He and his entourage are heaving great sobs and wails of grief. In fact, they are so overcome with grief they stop the funeral procession for seven days! This is the first time Joseph has seen his home in 39 years. 39 years before this, at the age of 17, Joseph was sold as a slave and forced to leave his home. Now, at the age of 56, he returns home not to a happy family reunion, but to bury his father. No wonder he is so overcome with grief, so much so that the neighbors take notice.
Genesis 50:11-14 When the inhabitants of the land, the Canaanites, saw the mourning on the threshing floor of Atad, they said, “This is a grievous mourning by the Egyptians.” Therefore the place was named Abel-mizraim (i.e., the mourning of the Egyptians); it is beyond the Jordan. Thus his sons did for him as he had commanded them, for his sons carried him to the land of Canaan and buried him in the cave of the field at Machpelah, to the east of Mamre, which Abraham bought with the field from Ephron the Hittite to possess as a burying place. After he had buried his father, Joseph returned to Egypt with his brothers and all who had gone up with him to bury his father. (ESV)
He returns to Egypt after 77 days of mourning. Joseph cried when his father died, and not just a little, but a lot!
Now, Joseph was a man of great faith, able to persevere through 13 years of slavery & imprisonment, able to forgive his brothers who sold him into slavery, all because he truly believed that God was in control.
Joseph was also a great leader, whose abilities were demonstrated at every level of responsibility; first, as a slave in Potiphar’s household; then, as a steward in Pharaoh’s prison; and finally, as prime-minister of all Egypt.
Joseph was a man of great faith. He was a great leader, but he also shed a great many tears, which in no way diminished his faith or his ability to lead. In Genesis 42, Joseph cries when his brothers come to Egypt the first time to buy food (Genesis 49:24). In Genesis 43, Joseph cries again when his brothers return to Egypt a second time. And in Genesis 45, Joseph cries yet again when he reveals himself to his brothers. There, it says, “he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it… He threw his arms around his brother Benjamin and wept… And he kissed all his brothers and wept over them” (Genesis 45:2,14-15). Now, here in Genesis 50, we see Joseph crying yet again when his father dies.
The idea that “strong men don’t cry” is a lie. Tears are NOT a sign of weakness; they’re a sign of great strength.
Joseph cried a lot, and so did Jesus! Isaiah 53 says, “He was… a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). John 11 says, “Jesus wept” at the graveside of his dear friend, Lazarus (John 11:35). And Hebrews 5 says, “During the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence” (Hebrews 5:7).
Joseph cried. Jesus cried. So it is no shame if you cry too. In fact, your tears are precious to the Lord. In Psalm 56, David says to the Lord, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Psalm 56:8, NLT).
In ancient times, tear bottles (called lachrymatories) were used for collecting the tears of mourners at a funeral. Then those bottles were placed in the tomb of the deceased. Well, Psalm 56 says, God collects your tears in His lachrymatory, His tear bottle, not yours. In other words, God cries too when you cry, and He mixes your tears with his own.
So don’t be too ashamed or afraid to cry. In fact, if you want to experience the benefits of tears, go ahead and…
HAVE A GOOD CRY.
Bawl your eyes out. Weep and wail if you have to, because your tears are precious to God.
Do you know the problem with many sympathy cards? They try their best to talk people out of the grieving process, but grief is absolutely necessary for people to heal.
Karissa Smith of Wheaton, Illinois, talks about taking her 4-month-old daughter on a trip to the library. The baby girl babbled softly as Karissa browsed through the books, but as they made their way through the stacks, Karissa heard an older man gruffly say, “Tell that kid to shut up, or I will.”
Angrily, Karissa responded, “I am very sorry for whatever in your life caused you to be so disturbed by a happy baby, but I will not tell my baby to shut up, and I will not let you do so either.”
She braced herself, expecting an outburst from the older man. Instead, he looked down, took a deep breath, and said softly, “I apologize.” He looked up at Karissa with tears in his eyes, and they remained silent. Finally, he looked at Karissa’s baby, who smiled at him and happily kicked her arms and legs. He wiped his eyes and said slowly, “My son died when he was 2-months-old.”
Karissa moved to sit in the chair next to him. He went on to explain that his son died from SIDS over 50 years ago. He described how his anger grew, leading to a failed marriage and isolation. Karissa asked him to tell her about his son. As he did so, he smiled back and forth with her daughter. Eventually, he asked to hold her. As he held her, his shoulders relaxed, and he briefly laid his cheek on her head. He returned the baby to her mother with a heartfelt “Thank you.” Karissa thanked him for sharing his story, and he quickly departed. (Karissa Smith, Wheaton, Illinois; www.PreachingToday.com)
That man tried to avoid the grief, but it only made him bitter, not better. You see, you cannot go AROUND the grief to avoid it. You must go THROUGH it in order to grow.
Aeschylus, the Greek playwright, wrote, “Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.” (Joe Klein, “Psst, Who's Behind the Decline of Politics?” Time magazine, 4-17-06, p. 64-65; www.PreachingToday.com)
Romans 5 puts it this way: “Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope” (Romans 5:3-4). So have a good cry if you need to. Then…
LET YOUR TEARS DRAW YOU CLOSE TO PEOPLE.
Let your tears wash away the old grudges and help you renew and strengthen your relationships with people. Let your tears make you tender towards others, not tough. That’s what Joseph’s tears did for him.
Genesis 50:15-17 When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “It may be that Joseph will hate us and pay us back for all the evil that we did to him.” So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, “Your father gave this command before he died: ‘Say to Joseph, “Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you.” ’ And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father.” Joseph wept when they spoke to him. (ESV)
There he goes again.
Genesis 50:18-19 His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, “Behold, we are your servants.” But Joseph said to them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? (ESV)
It is God’s place to punish sin, not ours. Romans 12:19 says, “Never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written: ‘Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord.’” Joseph did not play God; instead, he trusted God to bring good out of the evil his brothers intended for him. Look at what he says to them…
Genesis 50:20-21 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. (ESV)
Literally, he comforted them and spoke close to the heart. Through his tears, Joseph trusted God and loved his brothers. Instead of holding a grudge against them, he was gracious towards them.
And that’s what your tears can do for you, if you choose to let them. They can make you tender towards others, or they can make you tough to get along with. Tears can open your heart, or they can close your heart. The choice is yours.
Miroslav Volf (1956 –), a Croatian theologian, says, “To triumph fully, evil needs two victories, not one. The first victory happens when an evil deed is perpetrated; the second victory, when evil is returned. After the first victory, evil would die if the second victory did not infuse it with new life. (Miroslav Volf, The End of Memory, Eerdmans, 2006, p. 9; www.PreachingToday.com)
Please, don’t infuse evil with new life by returning it on the perpetrators. Instead, like Joseph, trust God to do his part and love your brothers. Let your tears open your heart, not close it off.
South Africa had been plagued for generations by terrible violence between the white ruling minority and the black majority. Once the whites relinquished power and Nelson Mandela become president, the question in need of an answer was clear: How does a country with so much pain and violence and division in its past move forward?
Bishop Desmond Tutu and others established the Truth and Reconciliation Commission as a way forward. The goal was for those who had committed atrocities in the past to come forward and tell the truth – both blacks and whites. But it didn't end there. After confessing the truth, the goal was to bring reconciliation and forgiveness – to break the cycle of hate so the entire country could move forward.
In one of those sessions, a South African woman stood in an emotionally charged courtroom, listening to white police officers acknowledge the atrocities they had perpetrated in the name of apartheid.
Officer van de Broek acknowledged his responsibility in the death of her son. Along with others, he had shot her 18-year-old son at point-blank range. He and the others partied while they burned his body, turning it over and over on the fire until it was reduced to ashes.
Eight years later, van de Broek and others arrived to seize her husband. A few [hours] later, shortly after midnight, van de Broek came to fetch the woman. He took her to a woodpile where her husband lay bound. She was forced to watch as they poured gasoline over his body and ignited the flames that consumed his body. The last words she heard her husband say were “forgive them.”
Now, van de Broek stood before her awaiting judgment. South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission asked her what she wanted.
“I want three things,” she said calmly. “I want Mr. van de Broek to take me to the place where they burned my husband's body. I would like to gather up the dust and give him a decent burial.
“Second, Mr. van de Broek took all my family away from me, and I still have a lot of love to give. Twice a month, I would like for him to come to the ghetto and spend a day with me so I can be a mother to him.
“Third, I would like Mr. van de Broek to know that he is forgiven by God, and that I forgive him, too. I would like someone to lead me to where he is seated, so I can embrace him, and he can know my forgiveness is real.”
As the elderly woman was led across the courtroom, van de Broek fainted, overwhelmed. Someone began singing “Amazing Grace.” Gradually everyone joined in. (Stanley W. Green, The Canadian Mennonite, 9-4-00, p. 11; www.PreachingToday.com)
This woman understood that in order to move forward THROUGH the grief, she must forgive those who CAUSED the grief.
It reminds me of what Christ did for us in his pain. The Bible says, “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). While we were still sinners, while we were God’s enemies, He came to suffer and die on a cross for our sins.
The Bible says it was such a sorrowful experience for Him that on the eve of his crucifixion “his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground” (Luke 22:44). And yet it was that very cross that restored our relationship with God. It took the death of God’s Son to bring us back to God.
Now, anyone who puts their trust in Christ can have an eternal relationship with God. If you haven’t done it already, I invite you to put your trust in Christ today. Trust Him with your life and experience that closeness to God His tears provided for you. Then, with God’s help, let your tears draw you close to others. But more than that…
LET YOUR TEARS ALSO DRAW YOU EVEN CLOSER TO GOD.
Let your tears wash away the doubts and increase your faith in the Lord. Let your tears make you lean on Christ a little more and give you an even greater trust in His promises. That’s what Joseph’s tears did for him.
Genesis 50:22 So Joseph remained in Egypt, he and his father’s house. Joseph lived 110 years. (ESV)
The ideal life-span according to ancient Egyptian records.
Genesis 50:23 And Joseph saw Ephraim’s children of the third generation. The children also of Machir the son of Manasseh were counted as Joseph’s own. (ESV)
In other words, Joseph adopted Machir’s children (his grandchildren) as his own.
Genesis 50:24-25 And Joseph said to his brothers, “I am about to die, but God will visit you and bring you up out of this land to the land that he swore to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.” Then Joseph made the sons of Israel swear, saying, “God will surely visit you, and you shall carry up my bones from here.” (ESV)
There is no doubt in Joseph’s mind: God WILL keep his promise to return them to their home-land. So he leaves instructions for his family to carry his bones back with them to that land when it happens.
Genesis 50:26 So Joseph died, being 110 years old. They embalmed him, and he was put in a coffin in Egypt. (ESV)
Ready for transport when the day came for his family to carry his body back home.
Throughout his life, Joseph’s tears taught him to trust God. When he became a slave, he trusted God and became a prisoner. Even so, when he became a prisoner, he still trusted God and became prime-minister of all Egypt. God had promised him that he would rule someday; and through his tears, he saw that promise come true. Now, on his death bed, Joseph knows that even death cannot stop God from keeping his promises.
Joseph’s tears increased his faith in the Lord, and your tears can do the same for you, if you let them. They can draw you close to God and give you an even greater trust in his promises.
1 Peter 1:6-7 says, “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”
Trials test the genuineness of your faith. You see, it’s easy to believe when things are going well; but when there are tears in your eyes, then you discover that your faith is real.
The albatross is a majestic seabird with the longest wingspan of any bird, up to 11 feet. It spends 18 months at sea, touching down only on water, which causes it to lose its ability to make smooth earth-landings. When it finally returns to nest and lay eggs, it comes in like a drunken sailor, tumbling, skidding, and crashing. That’s why many people call it a “gooney bird.”
However, there is something very interesting about these powerful seabirds. They need strong, stormy wind currents to keep them aloft. In fact, they are virtually unable to get airborne in calm seas, and consistently smooth weather conditions prevent them from migrating into the Northern Hemisphere. (Jean Fleming, Pursue the Intentional Life, NavPress, 2013, page 44; www.PreachingToday.com)
In the same way, believers cannot soar when life is calm. Rather, like the Albatross, they need the storms to soar. So trust God in your storm, and let your tears draw you closer to Him and to others.
Andrae Crouch put it well when he wrote:
I thank God for the mountains,
And I thank Him for the valleys,
I thank Him for the storms He bro’t me through;
For if I’d never had a problem
I wouldn’t know that He could solve them,
I’d never know what faith in God could do.
Through it all, Through it all,
I’ve learned to trust in Jesus,
I’ve learned to trust in God;
Through it all, Through it all,
I’ve learned to depend upon His Word.
