Stewart Ruch, a pastor in Wheaton, Illinois, talks about the “huge gap” between the ideal and the real in our everyday lives, using a family outing as an example. You see, every fall his family likes to go apple picking.
Now, for the Ruch family, the ideal day for apple picking is when the leaves are golden and rusty, the sky is beautiful, and it's 75 degrees. They all pile into the van and start singing and laughing as they merrily drive to the orchard. They arrive early in the morning with plenty of time to enjoy the orchard. Surprisingly, the folks at the apple orchard say, “Today apples are free for families.” So the kids guzzle apple cider and stuff themselves with apple donuts – and they don't even get a sugar high! Finally, after a perfect day at the orchard, they drive home as the children keep saying, “Wow, thanks, Mom and Dad!”
But, Pastor Ruch says, the real day often looks like this. It's a disaster from the start. They leave at least two hours late. The apple orchard closes at 5 P.M., they’re leaving at 3 P.M., and it takes an hour-and-half to get there, but dad bark at everyone, “We're going, so get in the car!” They missed lunch because they were scrambling to get everything done. With blood sugar levels plummeting, mom and dad start arguing. He thinks it's her fault that they're leaving late; she says it's his fault. They keep arguing until the kids interrupt because now they're arguing with each other. Dad turns around and snaps at the kids, “Knock it off! I'm arguing with your mom.”
When they pull into the apple orchard, they only have thirty minutes before closing time. So dad tells the kids, “Hurry up, so you can have some fun.” At that time of the day all the good apples are gone, and nothing is free. The entrance fee is outrageous, so they all pile back into the van and it is already dark. On the way home, they finally get their apples: they stop at McDonald's for their fried apple pies. (Stewart Ruch, Shaping the World of Each Child, www.PreachingToday.com)
Unfortunately, that’s real life with real people in real families. We’re all real sinners, so there are going to be times when there are real damages to our relationships. And yet, even then, real reconciliation is possible. We can still live in real peace with each other despite the confines of our very real lives.
That’s what happened to Joseph and his brothers. They had sold him into slavery, because they were jealous of the special attention their father paid to him. So Joseph, at the age of 17, starts off as a slave in Egypt. Then he is thrown into prison. But through a series of divine interventions, after 13 years, Joseph ends up as a powerful ruler in Egypt, 2nd only to Pharaoh himself.
22 years after selling him into slavery, Joseph’s brothers come to Egypt to buy food for their families who are starving. It’s the second time they have come, because a severe drought has ravaged their homeland for two years. Thus they find themselves dealing with a powerful, Egyptian ruler that they don’t know is Joseph himself. Though he feeds them from his own table and provides generously for them, he accuses them of being spies and thieves. On their first trip, he imprisoned one of them, and this time he threatens to keep another one of them as his slave.
Judah pleads for his brother’s freedom, offering himself as a slave instead, and it’s more than Joseph can bear. He breaks down in tears and they are all reunited in one of the most moving stories of reconciliation I have ever read.
If you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Genesis 45, Genesis 45, where we see how Joseph and his brothers were reconciled and how we might find reconciliation in any of our broken or damaged relationships.
Genesis 45:1-3 Then Joseph could not control himself before all those who stood by him. He cried, “Make everyone go out from me.” So no one stayed with him when Joseph made himself known to his brothers. And he wept aloud, so that the Egyptians heard it, and the household of Pharaoh heard it. And Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still alive?” But his brothers could not answer him, for they were dismayed at his presence. (ESV)
They’re sure he’s going to get revenge.
Genesis 45:4-10 So Joseph said to his brothers, “Come near to me, please.” And they came near. And he said, “I am your brother, Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt. And now do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life. For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are yet five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvest. And God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors. So it was not you who sent me here, but God. He has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house and ruler over all the land of Egypt. Hurry and go up to my father and say to him, ‘Thus says your son Joseph, God has made me lord of all Egypt. Come down to me; do not tarry. You shall dwell in the land of Goshen, and you shall be near me, you and your children and your children’s children, and your flocks, your herds, and all that you have. (ESV)
Goshen is some of the best land in all Egypt. It is a very fertile area in the eastern part of the Nile delta, and it is close to Joseph’s court. Joseph invites his brothers to live near him.
Genesis 45:11-15 There I will provide for you, for there are yet five years of famine to come, so that you and your household, and all that you have, do not come to poverty.’ And now your eyes see, and the eyes of my brother Benjamin see, that it is my mouth that speaks to you. You must tell my father of all my honor in Egypt, and of all that you have seen. Hurry and bring my father down here.” Then he fell upon his brother Benjamin’s neck and wept, and Benjamin wept upon his neck. And he kissed all his brothers and wept upon them. After that his brothers talked with him. (ESV)
After 22 years of animosity, distrust and separation, these brothers come together with all of that gone. They’re weeping and hugging and kissing each another, and they’re closer to one other than they’ve ever been before. This is real reconciliation – not a pretense of “everything is fine” when it’s not. They are truly and genuinely together again with absolutely no tension or unresolved issues between them.
Tell me. How were they able to come together after so many years apart? How were they able to experience real reconciliation? And how can you experience real reconciliation in your broken relationships? Well, like Joseph’s brothers, if you want to be truly reconciled in your broken relationships, then 1st of all…
CONFESS YOUR OWN SINS.
Acknowledge what wrongs you have done to contribute to the break in your relationships. Or as we saw in the last chapter, admit and quit your sins. Own up to your part of the problem and demonstrate a change in attitude and behavior.
Reconciliation was impossible for Joseph and his brothers until one of them admitted, “God has uncovered our guilt” (in Genesis 44:16). Then he pleaded with Joseph (in Genesis 44:33), “Let your servant remain here as my lord’s slave in place of the boy.” Instead of getting rid of another favored son, he offered to be enslaved in his place.
These brothers not only admitted their guilt, they demonstrated a real change in attitude, and that opened the floodgate of tears. Joseph not only wept, he revealed himself to them and embraced them as dearly loved brothers. My dear friends, if you want to see real reconciliation, then there must be a real confession of your own sins.
In his book It Came from Within, Andy Stanley talks about a man he met at Starbucks. His name is Joe, and he was sitting in one of those overstuffed chairs with headphones on and a scowl that said, “Don't anybody come near me.” Everything about his countenance and posture communicated anger; so when Andy saw him, he avoided eye contact and went on about his business.
Then one day, Joe approached Andy and said, “Aren't you Andy?” Somebody had given one of Andy Stanley’s CD’s to Joe, and Joe recognized Andy from his picture on the cover. Joe told Andy, “Somebody gave me one of your CDs, and I've been listening to it. But I've got to tell you, I have a real problem with God, and the church, too, for that matter.”
Joe had been through two difficult divorces. His first wife had been sexually abused as a child and was never able to face the issues involved. After 30 years of marriage, the memories of abuse surfaced and eroded their marriage, which ended in divorce. His ex-wife passed away suddenly two years later. Joe then remarried, but after three years, this too ended in a heartbreaking divorce. Joe was lonely, a recovering alcoholic. There was no evidence of the existence of God as far as he could see…
Andy got Joe's phone number and connected him with one his associate pastors, John Woodall. John called Joe, met him for coffee, and struck up a friendship. That was the last Andy saw of Joe, for a while.
Three months later, Andy was sitting in that same Starbucks, talking to a student pastor from another church, when in walked Joe. When Joe saw Andy, he headed straight for his table. The first thing Andy noticed was that Joe was smiling. The second thing Andy noticed was that Joe was carrying a Bible, a notebook, and a book on marriage.
“I'm getting remarried next week!” Joe announced. Andy wasn't sure what to think. “To who?” he asked. “To Susan!” Joe exclaimed. Susan was his ex-wife. “Susan and I are getting remarried. John is doing the wedding.”
Andy could see in Joe's eyes that something remarkable had happened. Over the course of several meetings with John, Joe found the courage to quit blaming and, instead, take a look at what was rattling around in his [own] heart, specifically his own anger.
As a result, Joe’s faith was renewed, and that gave him the motivation to address other issues in his life. The transformation was so remarkable that Susan noticed and began asking questions. Soon after, she put her faith in Christ. The week before Susan and Joe were remarried, John baptized her in one of their morning services. (Andy Stanley, It Came from Within, Multnomah, 2006, p. 58-60; www.PreachingToday.com)
Real reconciliation took place, because Joe found the courage to quit blaming others and take a look at what was happening in his own heart. The same can happen for you if you quit blaming others and look at your own heart. Take responsibility for your own sins, and you will begin to see healing in your relationships. Confess your own sins if you want to restore broken relationships. And then…
FORGIVE THOSE WHO SIN AGAINST YOU.
As an act of the will, refuse to retaliate for the wrongs done to you. Instead, choose to return good for evil as God gives you opportunity.
That’s what Joseph did. Otherwise, he would have never been reconciled to his brothers. Joseph could have enslaved his brothers for selling him into slavery. Instead, he feeds them a feast from his own table (Genesis 43:34); he invites them to live near him in the best part of the land (Genesis 45:10), and he promises to provide for them through five more years of famine (Genesis 45:11).
Joseph truly forgave his brothers, and that’s what you must do if you want true healing in your relationships.
Vishal Mangalwadi, a Christian leader from India, talks about how one woman’s act of forgiveness brought healing to an entire nation. Her name was Gladys Stains, who with her husband, Graham, and their sons, had devoted their lives to serving lepers in India's eastern state of Orissa.
Gladys was an ordinary housewife, but she stunned the nation of India by spontaneously, unpretentiously, humbly, and genuinely forgiving militant Hindus for their atrocities. They had burned alive her husband, Graham, and two little sons on January 23, 1999. Six years later (2005), the government of India honored Gladys with one of their highest civilian honors – Padma Bhushan.
To understand why Gladys received such a high honor, you have to appreciate the fact that India and Pakistan had experienced the terrible pain of Hindu-Muslim-Sikh sectarian riots for years. About ten million people were made homeless. One-half to one million people were killed, including Mahatma Gandhi. Fifty years of secular democracy and education could not free them from this destructive chain of violence and revenge. Hindu-Muslim clashes burned trainloads of innocent passengers, leading to riots that lasted for weeks.
In that context, Gladys's simple act of forgiveness was powerful. It became a national phenomenon, because it broke the common chain of violence and revenge. In city after city, Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain, and secular leaders gathered to publicly honor Gladys as a saint to emulate. The government of India was simply the last in line to acknowledge Gladys Stains’ contribution to healing their nation. (Vishal Mangalwadi, The Book that Made Your World, Thomas Nelson, 2012, page 376; www.PreachingToday.com)
It’s amazing what an act of genuine forgiveness will do! Try it and see what happens to your relationships. If you want to see healing in those relationships, confess your own sins, and forgive those who have sinned against you.
But how is that possible? If the offense has caused you a lot of pain, how can you truly forgive the one who hurt you? How could Joseph forgive his brothers when their actions caused him 13 years of slavery and imprisonment?
Well, the answer is found in Joseph’s words to his brothers after he revealed himself to them. No less than three times, Joseph tells his brothers, “GOD sent me here.” Let me read those verses again.
Genesis 45:5-8a And now do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life. For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are yet five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvest. And God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors. So it was not you who sent me here, but God… (ESV)
Joseph was able to forgive his brothers, because he believed that God was in charge of his life, not his brothers. They meant him harm, but God meant it for good to save Joseph’s family, and in the grand scheme of things, to preserve the line through whom the Messiah, the Savior of the world would come.
Joseph truly believed that God was in control of his life, working all things together for good. And that’s what you must believe if you’re going to be able to forgive others like Joseph forgave his brothers. If you want to see real reconciliation, you must truly…
BELIEVE THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL.
Trust that God has your best interests at heart, and rely on Him to use even the hurtful things to bring about tremendous benefit.
The Bible says, “[God] works all things according to the council of his will” (Ephesians 1:11). Not just the good things, ALL THINGS! That includes the bad things as well. That includes even those things that others do to hurt us.
Romans 8:28 makes it very clear: “We know that for those who love God all things work together for good…” Again, it is not just the good things. ALL things work together for good, including the sinful actions of others, including the hurtful words, including the betrayal of a close friend or brother.
Jesus said of Judas, who betrayed Him, “The hand of him who betrays me is with mine on the table. For the Son of Man goes as it has been determined, but woe to that man by whom he is betrayed” (Luke 22:21-22).
Before time began, God determined that Jesus would be betrayed. It was all a part of God’s plan from the very beginning. Think about it. The cross was the greatest injustice and the grossest evil ever committed by sinful, human people, but even that was planned by God way before it happened.
In Acts 2, Peter declares, “Men of Israel, hear these words: Jesus of Nazareth, a man attested to you by God with mighty works and wonders and signs that God did through him in your midst, as you yourselves know— this Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of lawless men” (Acts 2:22-23).
Again, in Acts 4, the believers in Jerusalem are praying, and they say to the Lord, “Truly in this city there were gathered together against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed, both Herod and Pontius Pilate, along with the Gentiles and the peoples of Israel, to do whatever your hand and your plan had predestined to take place” (Acts 4:27-28).
God had decided beforehand that Jesus would die on a cross, because it was all a part of His plan to save us from our sins. God used Joseph’s betrayal to save people’s lives, but God used Jesus’ betrayal to save you soul.
All you need to do is confess your own sins to Him and depend on Him to deliver you from all your sins. The cross was the greatest evil ever committed by sinful, human people, but it was part of God’s plan to bring about the greatest good you could ever experience – the salvation of your soul for all eternity.
That’s why Jesus could cry from the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Like Joseph, Jesus knew that God was working out His plan. So He was able to forgive even as he hung there dying on an old, rugged cross, and it’s the only way you will be able to forgive people today.
At the core of your being, you must believe that GOD is in control, not those who have hurt you. You must believe that GOD has planned to use even their hurtful actions to accomplish His good purposes in your life. For if indeed God used the greatest evil ever committed by sinful, human people – the cross of Christ – then He can certainly use any of the lesser evils you experience to accomplish His good, acceptable, and perfect will in your life. That’s the kind of faith that helps you forgive.
In the 4th Century, during the days of the “desert fathers,” who sought to bring spiritual renewal to the church, a young man came to Sisoes, his spiritual mentor. The young man blurted out, “I was hurt by my brother in Christ, and now I'm angry and I want to avenge myself.”
The older man tried to comfort him, but he also gave him a gentle warning: “Don't do that, my child. Rather, leave vengeance to God.”
But the young Christian refused to listen to Sisoes. Instead, he became even angrier and raising his voice, he said, “I will not quit until I get even.”
When Sisoes saw that reason alone wouldn't change the young man's heart, he quietly said, “Let us pray, brother.”
After a pause, Sisoes offered the following prayer: “O God, apparently we no longer need you to take care of us since we can now avenge ourselves. From now on we can manage our own lives without your help.”
When the young man heard this prayer, he immediately repented. Falling at Sisoes feet, he cried out, “Have mercy on me. I am not going to fight my brother anymore.” (Yushi Nomura, Desert Wisdom, Orbis Books, 2001, p.53; www.PreachingToday. com)
When he realized that God was in control, he could forgive his brother.
My dear friends, if you want real reconciliation and healing in your broken relationships, then you must confess your own sins; and you must forgive those who sinned against you; but none of that is possible until you truly believe that God is in control.
Max Lucado writes about a big, muscle-bound man named Daniel who was swindled by his own brother. He vowed that if he ever saw him again, he would break his neck. A few months later, Daniel became a Christian. Even so, he couldn't forgive his brother. One day, the inevitable encounter took place on a busy avenue. This is how Daniel described what happened:
I saw him, but he didn't see me. I felt my fists clench and my face get hot. My initial impulse was to grab him around the throat and choke the life out of him. But as I looked into his face, my anger began to melt. For as I saw him, I saw the image of my father. I saw my father's eyes. I saw my father's look. I saw my father's expression. And as I saw my father in his face, my enemy once again became my brother.
The brother found himself wrapped in those big arms – but in a hug. The two stood in the middle of the river of people and wept. Daniel's words bear repeating: “When I saw the image of my father in his face, my enemy became my brother.” (Max Lucado, The Applause of Heaven, Word, 1990, pp. 114-116; www.PreachingToday.com)
My dear friends, see the image of your Heavenly Father in your enemies. Then, and only then, will you be able to embrace them as your friends.
