A. The story is told of three friends who were hanging out one day, and their conversation grimly turned to the issue of death.
1. One of the friends asked the others, “What would you like people to say about you at your funeral?”
2. One friend answered, “I would want people to say, ‘He was a great humanitarian who cared about his community.’ ”
3. The second replied, “I would want people to say, ‘He was a great husband and father, an example for many to follow.’ ”
4. The third friend quickly said, “I would hope someone says, ‘Look, he's moving!’ ”
B. Even though all of us believe that heaven is a real, and is a wonderful place for all of us who trust Christ as our Savior, I don’t think too many of us are anxious to get there any time soon.
1. We are like a baby in their mother’s womb who is comfortable where they are and is weary of the unknown world outside of the womb.
2. Nevertheless, there is a day coming when all of us will face death.
a. You see, despite the enormous efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 99.99 percent.
b. The only reason it is not 100% is because we have a couple of people in the Bible who went into the afterlife without passing through the door of death.
3. Unless Jesus comes first, all of us will die someday, but that fact doesn’t make it any easier when we have to face our own death or the death of someone we love very much, does it?
a. So how do we prepare for our own eventual death?
b. And what do we do when we lose someone that is near and dear to us?
c. How do we handle the grief of loss when it seems almost overwhelming?
C. In our sermon series “Abraham – A Journey of Faith,” we have been learning a lot about walking with God by faith by watching Abraham face many of life’s toughest challenges and tests.
1. Today, we are privileged to take a peek at how a man of faith handled the death of his own wife after many, many years of marriage.
2. Do you have any idea how long the longest marriages in recorded history have been?
3. Here are the top three longest marriages according to Wikipedia:
a. The third longest marriage belongs to Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher, from North Carolina, who were married on May 13, 1924 and were married 86 years and 290 days.
b. The second longest marriage belongs to Philipose and Sosamma Thomas, from India, who were married on February 17, 1918 and were married 88 years and 2 days.
c. The longest marriage belongs to Karam and Kartari Chand, from Bradford, England, who were married on December 11, 1925 and were married 90 years and 291 days.
d. Well Diana, those marriages make our 33 years, 247 days look like a blink of an eye!
4. Abraham and Sarah had been married for a long time – how long? We cannot be sure.
a. If Sarah was married at the typical age for ancient Near East cultures, then she was likely married around age 15.
b. If that is the case and she died at 127 years old, then she and Abraham were married for 112 years.
c. How amazing would it be to be married to someone for over a century and a decade?
D. Before we address the end of their marriage, consider with me just a minute the amazing journey Abraham and Sarah shared for well over a century.
1. Consider that for the first 50 years or so of their marriage, they lived in the Ur of the Chaldeans, somewhere near Babylon, in present-day Iraq.
2. Like everyone else in that time and place, they worshiped many gods, but then Abraham received a visit from the one true Creator God who invited him on a journey filled with promises for him and his descendants if they would serve the one true God, and Him only.
a. This must have been a very appealing prospect since the couple had not been able to have children in their 50 years of marriage.
3. Together that couple, aged 75 and 65, having been married about 50 years set out for a destination that was yet to be revealed by God.
a. We rarely make any trip without knowing exactly where we are headed, and we have either a map or a GPS to guide the way.
4. But they set out by faith to continue their love story on this journey of faith.
a. How do we know that theirs was a love story?
b. We see their devotion to each other – Like the time when Abraham requested that his wife tell outsiders that she was his sister and not his wife, and she dutifully obliged.
c. Then later, when Sarah wanted to expel Hagar, her servant girl who became Abraham’s second wife, and Ismael, Abraham’s first son, out of love, Abraham reluctantly complied.
d. Their love survived the long and treacherous road to the Promised Land, the early and self-doubting days of childlessness, and the explosive and divisive quarrels in the family.
e. Together, they joyfully welcomed Isaac, the child of promise after about 75 years of marriage, and their love for Isaac bordered on idolatry, which may have led to God’s test.
f. When Abraham did as the Lord had commanded and then returned with Isaac happy and whole, the family shared in the victory and shared life as another 20 years raced by.
g. Which brings us to this sad and difficult day in Abraham’s journey.
E. The Bible says: 1 Sarah lived to be a hundred and twenty-seven years old. 2 She died at Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan, and Abraham went to mourn for Sarah and to weep over her. (Genesis 23:1-2)
1. Scripture is so plain and concise at times.
a. We’re not told how Sarah died – we are not told whether she had been ill for a long time and it was a slow and gradual decline, or if she passed quickly and quietly in her sleep.
b. All we are told is the age when she died and the place of her death.
2. In accordance with the custom of that time, the body of Sarah was likely placed in a tent by itself and Abraham went alone into the tent to weep and mourn over the body of his wife.
a. Though Abraham had been through many sorrows and bitter disappointments in his life, this is the first time the Genesis account tells us that Abraham wept.
b. Imagine the depth of grief you would feel as you mourned at the side of your deceased, beloved spouse who had been your companion for more than a century!
c. We picture Abraham as he bows and weeps over the body of Sarah and can imagine the multitude of memories that flooded his thoughts.
d. No doubt, he recalled images of Sarah as a beautiful young bride, a loving wife and homemaker, the bitter tears she cried year after year over her barren womb, and finally, the joy she experienced as a mother nursing her newborn son, Isaac at 90 years of age.
e. Death had torn her from his arms, but death could never take her from his heart.
3. I love the fact that Abraham’s expression of grief was unrestrained and unapologetic.
a. In our time and culture, we sometimes feel guilt over our grief.
b. We feel we must rush past the deaths of our loved ones and recover quickly and go on with life.
c. We might feel that it is somehow unspiritual to mourn, but Scripture never condemns grief.
F. Many people struggle for the right words to say to people who are grieving or suffering loss.
1. Their words often reflect their negative opinion and uncomfortability with grief.
a. The most common words of advice given to someone at the loss of a loved one are “Don’t cry” and “Don’t feel bad.”
b. Well-meaning advice like “I’m sure there is a purpose behind all this” and “Time will heal all things” are out of line and out of place.
c. The worst advice I’ve heard so far given to a person who had lost a loved one is, “Jesus needs him more than you do.”
2. John James and Frank Cherry, in their book on grief recovery, trace the story of a boy named Johnny.
a. When five-year-old Johnny’s dog dies, Johnny is stunned, and he bursts out crying.
1. His dog was his constant companion; it slept at the foot of his bed. Now the dog is gone, and little Johnny’s a basket case.
2. Johnny’s dad stammers a bit and says, “Uh, don't feel bad, Johnny, we'll get you a new dog on Saturday.”
3. In that one sentence, Johnny’s dad is really offering the first two steps in our culture’s grief management program: (1) Bury your feelings; and (2) replace your losses.
4. Once you have the new dog you won't even think about the old dog any more.
b. Later when Johnny falls in love with a high school freshman girl the world never looked brighter, until she dumps him.
1. Suddenly a curtain covers the sun. Johnny’s heart is broken, and this time it’s big time hurt.
2. It’s not just a dog. This is a person his heart was fixed on.
3. John is a wreck. But mom comes to the rescue this time and says with great sensitivity, “Don't feel bad, Johnny, there are other fish in the sea.”
4. Bury the pain, replace the loss. Johnny has steps one and two down pat now.
5. He’ll use them the rest of his life.
c. Much later, Johnny’s grandfather dies – the one he fished with every summer and felt close to.
1. A note was slipped to him in math class. He read the note and couldn't fight off the tears. He broke down sobbing on his desk.
2. The teacher felt uncomfortable about it and sent him off to the school office to grieve alone.
d. When Johnny’s father brought him home from school, Johnny saw his mother weeping in the living room, and he wanted to embrace her and cry with her.
1. But his dad said, “Don't disturb her, Johnny, she needs to be alone. She’ll be all right in a little while. Then the two of you can talk.”
e. The third piece in the grieving puzzle was now making sense to Johnny: Grieve alone. So he went to his room to cry alone, and he felt a deep sense of loneliness…
f. Let's review: Bury your feelings; replace your losses; grieve alone; these are the lessons our culture often teaches us about grief and loss, but that’s not what God’s Word teaches.
3. That’s not how a man or woman of faith goes through death and loss.
a. Like Abraham, they hurt deeply when someone they love dies.
b. People of faith are not afraid to feel their feelings.
c. They are not afraid to cry, even to weep and wail, if need be.
d. It is not a sign of weakness, but is a sign of great strength and understanding.
e. So when you experience a loss, go ahead and hurt and cry.
f. So don’t be afraid of the tears. Don’t be afraid of the anger. Don’t be afraid to feel the whole gambit of emotions when you lose someone you love.
g. It’s God’s way to heal the pain.
4. Sometime after his father died, well-known preacher, Bill Hybels talked about having a three-hour conversation with a seasoned Christian counselor.
a. He asked her to talk to him about grieving, to tell him what she advises people to do when they’re dealing with losses.
b. She said, “I tell them to feel their feelings. But then I also urge people to reduce radically the pace of their lives. I urge them to review their loss, talk about it openly, think about it thoroughly, write about it reflectively, and pray through it.”
c. She continued, “It’s my experience that people want to run from their pain. They want to replace pain with another feeling as soon as they can. To recover from pain, you have to face it. You must stand in it and process it before it will dissipate. That's God's way.” (Bill Hybels, “A Better Kind of Grieving,” Preaching Today, Tape No. 108; www.PreachingToday.com)
5. And so what should we do to help others who are grieving?
a. Here is some good advice from Abigail Van Buren: Dear Abby gives this advice on how to respond to those who are grieving: “How one handles grief is a personal matter. Let the one who has suffered the loss take the lead. If he feels like talking, encourage him to talk. If he prefers to sit in silence, don’t intrude on his silence. Friends should call, bring food, offer to run errands, and do what needs to be done. A hug, a squeeze of the hand, a look which says, ‘I’m here, if you need me,’ conveys more than a thousand words.” (Abigail Van Buren quoted in Quotable Quotations 166 Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985)
G. While Abraham was in the depths of his grief, it must have seemed to him that his own life was over as well, but God still had important work for him to do and his adventure of faith would continue.
1. The Bible says: 3 Then Abraham rose from beside his dead wife and spoke to the Hittites. He said, 4 “I am an alien and a stranger among you. Sell me some property for a burial site here so I can bury my dead.” 5 The Hittites replied to Abraham, 6 “Sir, listen to us. You are a mighty prince among us. Bury your dead in the choicest of our tombs. None of us will refuse you his tomb for burying your dead.”
7 Then Abraham rose and bowed down before the people of the land, the Hittites. 8 He said to them, “If you are willing to let me bury my dead, then listen to me and intercede with Ephron son of Zohar on my behalf 9 so he will sell me the cave of Machpelah, which belongs to him and is at the end of his field. Ask him to sell it to me for the full price as a burial site among you.”
10 Ephron the Hittite was sitting among his people and he replied to Abraham in the hearing of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of his city. 11 “No, my lord,” he said. “Listen to me; I give you the field, and I give you the cave that is in it. I give it to you in the presence of my people. Bury your dead.”
12 Again Abraham bowed down before the people of the land 13 and he said to Ephron in their hearing, “Listen to me, if you will. I will pay the price of the field. Accept it from me so I can bury my dead there.”
14 Ephron answered Abraham, 15 “Listen to me, my lord; the land is worth four hundred shekels of silver, but what is that between me and you? Bury your dead.”
16 Abraham agreed to Ephron’s terms and weighed out for him the price he had named in the hearing of the Hittites: four hundred shekels of silver, according to the weight current among the merchants.
17 So Ephron's field in Machpelah near Mamre-both the field and the cave in it, and all the trees within the borders of the field-was deeded 18 to Abraham as his property in the presence of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of the city. 19 Afterward Abraham buried his wife Sarah in the cave in the field of Machpelah near Mamre (which is at Hebron) in the land of Canaan. 20 So the field and the cave in it were deeded to Abraham by the Hittites as a burial site. (Gen. 23:3-20)
2. God had promised the entire land of Canaan to Abraham, but the death of his wife reminded him that the land of Canaan was not yet his possession.
a. Abraham, had been a nomad, not a property owner, & had to find a place to bury his wife.
b. Abraham had put some thought into the need and as difficult as it was for him to work through the details, he knew he had to take care of business.
c. Abraham had decided in his heart that he wanted to bury Sarah where they have been living and that he wanted to pay a proper price and have the transaction carried out publically in the correct manner, for he had plans for it for his family for a long time.
d. So, Abraham approached his neighbors, the Hittites and they responded with great respect and a graciousness that is customary in that region even today.
e. Even though the neighbors tried to give it to him as a gift, he knew he could not presume upon them and didn’t want it to become a problem in the future if they changed their mind.
3. We might wonder why the biblical account provides so much detail about this business transaction between Abraham and the Hittites, but perhaps one reason is because this site, Ephron’s field in Machpelah, has been historically authenticated.
a. Many other traditional sites in Israel are a matter of speculation, but the cave of Machpelah has been verified - Any one of us can go there today and visit the site.
b. This picture shows the building that is presently on the ancient site. It has an interesting history that we don’t have time to get into, but you can explore it on your own.
c. The Spirit of God, knowing that this site would be well-preserved down through the ages, wanted us to have this specific and detailed account.
d. In this way, the reality of these events would be firmly established in our minds.
e. Neither Abraham nor the Hittites could have known how significant the purchase of this land was to become – it would be the burial site of not only Sarah and Abraham, but Isaac, Rebekah, Leah and Jacob – a monument to the faith of great men and women whose lives were interwoven with the God of Abraham.
H. And so, Abraham bought the field with the cave and buried his wife there, and then in proper time, he went back to living the everyday life.
1. After Sarah’s death he knew he had to keep on living.
a. Abraham wasn’t about to stay in the house, sit in a rocking chair, or live like a recluse.
b. Abraham had to keep on living for the sake of Sarah, the sake of their son, for his own sake, and for God’s sake.
2. God was not finished with Abraham just yet – Abraham had more life to live and a big responsibility to complete.
a. If the covenant with God was to make it past the first generation after Abraham, there was work to do.
b. Abraham would live another 38 years after the death of Sarah, his first love.
c. Sometime later, the passing of grief granted him permission to go on living, and he found love again in the arms of a woman named Keturah and she bore him 6 sons.
3. I include this postscript to the marriage of Abraham and Sarah to make an important point: the death of one spouse does not end the life of the other.
a. That might seem obvious, but we sometimes forget this when two people have been married a long time and one of them passes on.
b. Sometimes the children expect the surviving parent to live like a monk, celibate and silent for the rest of his or her days.
c. And then, if someone marries “too soon” afterward, people tend to wonder just how much the widowed souse loved his or her mate.
d. But none of us should make any kind of judgments upon others – it is wrong to expect anyone else to live according to our personal sensibilities in cases where sin is not an issue.
e. Death breaks the marital bond and frees the surviving partner to marry again if he or she chooses.
4. One of the biggest challenges faced after the loss of a loved one is finding a way to live the remaining life with purpose – married or unmarried.
I. Rabbi Norman Singer tells the story of a woman whose only son died.
1. In her grief she went to the holy man and said, “What magical incantations do you have that will bring my son back to life?”
2. Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said, “Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life.”
3. The woman set out at once in search of the magical seed.
4. She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door and said, “I am seeking a house that has never known sadness. Is this the place?”
a. They told her, “You have come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that had befallen them.
b. The woman said to herself, “Who is more able to help these poor people than myself, who has also known great sorrow?”
5. She stayed on and comforted them, then went on in search for a home that had never known sorrow, but wherever she turned, in hotels and places, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune.
a. She became so involved in ministering to other peoples’ grief she forgot about her quest for the magical seed, never realizing it had in fact driven the sorrow out of her life.
6. St. Francis of Assisi said, “Lord, save me from despair, and if I am in despair, make me do some work of peace for Thee.” (Instrument of Thy Peace 41, Alan Paton 168 New York: Seabury Press, 1968)
J. Just a week or so ago, I heard about this heartwarming story in the news.
1. Keith Davison, 94, was struggling since losing his beloved wife of 66 years, Evy, to cancer in April 2016.
2. To help him overcome his sadness, the retired judge built an in-ground pool into his backyard in Morris, Minnesota, and invited all those in his tight-knit neighborhood to play anytime they’d like.
3. He hoped, when he built that pool, that the sounds of water splashing and children playing would mask the silence that had engulfed his home in the days after Evy’s passing.
4. “I had a fairytale life, and after my wife died, that ended. You get used to having a person there to enjoy, and now this doggone place is just so quiet. The pool has been a diversion from that.”
5. The 32-foot pool opened up in July and neighborhood children have been lining up to dive in.
6. Davison’s only requirement is that a child’s parent or guardian must be nearby to supervise - Plus, it doesn’t hurt that he can chat with the adults at the same time.
7. Davison’s house has turned into the new neighborhood hang out.
K. Getting back to living and serving is a way of making our way through grief.
1. Serving and activity is not a cure or a crutch.
2. Serving and activity is a way to calm and control grief, and not to cancel or correct grief.
3. Serving and activity is a grieving person’s connection to people and the world again, and not a cover from them – they help to keep a person’s mind, body, and spirit engaged.
L. I hope our exploration of how Abraham dealt with the death of his wife, Sarah, has given us insight and strategies for coming to grips with death and grieving in our own lives.
1. We are wise to permit the departed to leave, to permit the surviving to grieve, and then to permit them to live again.
2. Wise and reassuring words are not necessary to the grieving; rather our simple presence, prayers and service are what are helpful.
3. God is the God of all comfort and He will carry us through the process of death and grieving so we can then help others in their grief.
4. So, let the tears flow, and remember what Scripture says, “Weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15) and “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Ps. 30:5).
Resources:
Abraham – One Nomad’s Amazing Journey of Faith, by Charles Swindoll, Tyndale, 2014.
Friend of God – The Legacy of Abraham, Man of Faith, by Ray Stedman, Discovery House, 2010.
Good Grief, Sermon by Victor Yap, SermonCentral.com
Our Final Foe, Sermon by C. Philip Green, SermonCentral.com
