POEM: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was. (Pause) But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you've set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it.
A family can be a wonderful thing. It can supply you with love and warmth and comfort… and a feeling of contentment and security.
But there are other times when families aren’t like that. Times when families are filled with pain, bitterness, and hatred. The Bible has many stories that tell of such conflicts in the home:
• For example, in the book of Genesis we read of Jacob. Jacob cheated his brother Esau out of his inheritance and Esau got so furious about that he threatened to kill Jacob. And he would have too if Jacob decided it was a good time to go visit relatives. Jacob left home and didn’t return for 14 years… by which time his mother had died.
• Then there was Jacob’s son Joseph. Jacob loved this boy so much that his other 10 sons grew to despise Joseph. And one day, they when they got him alone, they beat the tar out of the boy, threw him in a pit, and then sold him into slavery. As far as they knew or cared he would probably die in chains in a foreign country.
• Then (of course) there’s the story of the “man after God’s own heart, King David. David became interested in the wife of one of his best friends, and committed adultery with her. His sinfulness in this sordid affair created all kinds of turmoil inside his family. Turmoil that plagued his family for a really long time.
• In the aftermath of his sins, one of David’s daughters (Tamar) was raped by her half-brother. In response, her brother Absalom murdered that half-brother in revenge for his evil act. And that’s just a sampling of the stories of troubled families in Scripture.
Now why would Scripture tell us stories like that? I thought the Bible was supposed to be a book of hope and encouragement. But stories like the ones I just mentioned… they’re a real bummer.
Well, the Bible tells us stories like that because the Bible is about real people. Real people who make real messes out of their lives… and real messes out of their families.
Today we’re going to be talking about the one thing that can heal broken homes. We’re going to be talking about the one thing that can take away the pain and the hurt and the bitterness. The one thing that can help us deal with the frustrations that so often cripples families.
And that one thing… is forgiveness.
You see, families are often torn apart because family members do stupid and mean and hurtful things to each other. There’s abuse, neglect, petty arguing, selfishness, (and on and on and on). And all those stupid, mean and hurtful things can cause us to become bitter.
God warns His people against bitterness. “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled” Hebrews 12:15
Really? Why would bitterness cause me to be defiled? Why would it cause me to fail to obtain the grace of God?
(BOWL OF WATER) Here on this table is a bowl of water. This bowl represents your life. Notice how the water is fairly clear - you can almost see through it.
I read the story once of a counselor in Illinois ministered to children from divorced families and she noticed that these children constantly struggled with bitterness and anger about their divided families. One day she had all the kids in one room and she took a bowl half filled with water… and then she gave each child a vial of food coloring. She told them their food coloring represented their pains and angers toward their families. She instructed the children to squirt as much of liquid from their vials into the water as they felt represented their pain, anger and hurts.
(As I took various vials of food coloring and squirted into the bowl I said) Some would squirt in only a couple drops, others would almost violently put in as much as they could. Then they watched as the water turned black from the spread of the food coloring.
She drew the children’s attention to the fact that the once clear water was now entirely black. She asked “Do you know why it was so black? That’s because light can’t get through. This is what our souls look like when we let bitterness get hold of us. 1 John 1:5 says “…God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.” When our lives are filled with bitterness and unforgiveness (she explained) God can’t shine through. He can’t penetrate a heart that is clouded with hatred, anger, and pain.
That’s why Jesus was so insistent on the need to forgive others. “… if you do not forgive others their trespasses (sins), neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (sins).” Matthew 6:15
Seriously? God won’t forgive my sins if I don’t forgive others their sins against me? Why? Well, when we don’t forgive others… it damages us.
“Forgiveness doesn't make the other person right, it makes you free." — Stormie Omartian
ILLUS: There have been a number of studies that have shown that when people DON’T forgive the wrongs committed against them they tend to suffer from…
• Stress
• Depression
• Chronic Back Pain
• Increased Blood Pressure
• Higher blood sugar
• Hardening of the Arteries
• Cardio-vascular Disease.
• And Higher rates of Divorce
Bitterness damages us. It darkens our souls to the point where it’s hard for God to shine through. And as Jesus noted it causes it so God can’t forgive our sins. Frankly, bitterness and unforgiveness are dangerous pastimes.
So why on earth (if this is so dangerous) would people WANT to hang on to their bitterness?
Well, there’s a couple of reasons I can think of… and they’re both found in our text today:
1st – they’ve been hurt. In our text this morning Jesus told a parable about a man who owed the King 10,000 talents. According to one website I researched, a talent, at the present rate of exchange, is worth about $1,250,000. That makes 10 talents worth about $12.5 million. No matter how hard that first man had tried, there was no way he was ever going to pay off such an enormous debt. And of course, that was the whole point of Jesus’ parable. He wanted to drive home the enormity of the cost of our sins that God had forgiven us of.
But then Jesus continued with His parable to tell us that this first man met another man on the way home who owes HIM money. A 100 denarii. What a denarii? It’s a day’s ages. Well, if you figured an 8 hour work day at $10 an hour… times 100 days of work you’d come up with a figure of about $8000.
(Pause)
$8000! Now that’s a fair amount of money. How many of you could use $8000? I know some of you may be rich beyond the dreams of avarice, but for most of us that’s a lot of money!
What Jesus was acknowledging is that when people hurt you… it’s not chump change. You have suffered serious injury. He is asking you to forgive significant offenses. And He understands the pain you’ve been caused.
But what He’s trying to get us to see is that - compared to the debt God has forgiven you and I of - it doesn’t even COMPARE. He’s saying: “I forgave YOU all of this… so if you’re my child you need to do that for others.”
So, the first reason people hang on to their bitterness is because they’ve been seriously hurt.
The 2nd reason people hang onto bitterness… is because it gives them control. Did you catch Peter’s question to Jesus? “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21). He’s asking – when do I get to say ENOUGH? When do I get to refuse to forgive them?
But in reality he’s wanting to keep score. He wants to count to 7, and once he reached the 7th sin, all bets were off. He could consign you to hell and remove you from his life. But Jesus came back by saying the number was closer to 77 times. By the time you’ve gotten to 30 or 40 times forgiving someone… you begin to lose count. Eventually you’d give up.
To forgive means we’ve decided not to dwell on the sin. It’s summarized in the old saying “Forgive and… (get the audience to compete the phrase) FORGET”
ILLUS: I read the story of a man who did something stupid that offended his wife. She chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up. But from time to time, she’d “mention” what he had done. One day the husband said “Honey, why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget.’”
“It is,” she said. “I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten.”
To be in a constant state of unforgiveness is to seek power to REMEMBER the offense, because with that power is a sense of control over the person who’s offended you.
Now… a few questions: 1st - Do I have to forgive someone who doesn’t ask me for forgiveness?
How many of you think you should have to forgive someone who hasn’t asked to be forgiven? (about half of the audience raised their hands).
Well, I wouldn’t think we should have to. I mean in the parable Jesus tells, both men ask for their debt to be forgiven. And when we become Christians, it’s part of the deal that we should be sorry for our sins and desire to come to God in repentance. So – I would think that we shouldn’t have to forgive others who don’t ask for forgiveness.
But, of course, that’s not how it works. In Mark 11:25 Jesus says: “when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
Notice, Jesus doesn’t say we should forgive people ONLY if they ask or ONLY if they are sorry for what they’ve done. He simply says “If you hold anything against anyone forgive them… so that God can forgive you.
But why? Why should I have to forgive someone who doesn’t even ASK - who isn’t even sorry? Well, because… our bitterness damages us.
ILLUS: (I turned their attention back to the bowl of water) You see this bowl of blackened water? That’s the condition of our hearts if we allow bitterness to take root inside. If we don’t remove that blackness, God can’t work in our lives. His light can’t penetrate the darkness inside us. We need to disperse the blackness, we need to heal our wounds. And the only way we can do that is by giving forgiveness.
(I brought out a clear plastic gallon jug half filled with bleach that I had marked on the front “Forgive”. I made a big production of pouring the “forgiveness” into the bowl of water, but feigned surprise that it didn’t immediately clear up the blackness within. It takes a while, but the bleach eventually will disperse the food coloring).
(Then I said) It will take a while for the forgiveness to do its work, but while we’re waiting, allow me ask a couple more questions:
Does forgiveness mean TOTALLY forgetting? I mean, if I forgive someone, does that mean I should I treat them as if they never did it? The answer: Not entirely!
ILLUS: I once served at a church where there was a man who came regularly to church because it was the “family church.” But though he was a regular church attender, he wasn’t a man I would have trusted with my dog. There was something in his eyes that wasn’t right. A kind of shiftiness and decay that was disconcerting.
Well, one day, the scuttlebutt in church was that this man had molested his step-daughter. I can’t say I was surprised by that, but what did surprise me was when he came down front of the church one Sunday and confessed what he’d done and asked the church to forgive him. I wouldn’t have expected that of him. But once he’d done that, it was like his eyes changed. The emptiness was gone and there was a new light inside. I was convinced that he’d truly repented.
Now, he’d repented and he received forgiveness… should we then have allowed him to work in the nursery? I don’t think so! It would not be healthy for him to be exposed to temptation, and it would have been unwise to expose children to the potential danger. We’d forgiven him, but putting him in the nursey would have been a really bad idea.
ILLUS: Tonight we’re having a seminar on sex abuse and sex trafficking. Part of what they’re going to address is sexual abuse within families. I’m going to tell you right now, if you are personally in an abusive situation, or you know someone who is – talk to the Elders, or talk to me, or talk to Scott… and we’ll try to find a way to protect you.
A person should not have to live in a dangerous situation, and you shouldn’t expose your children to that kind of presence.
And there’s a biblical example of that truth. It’s the story of David when he was serving in the court of King Saul. All went well for David until it became obvious that the people loved him more than they did Saul. This eventually led King Saul to jealousy and he attempted several times to kill David.
Did David remain in that house? No, he didn’t. He ran for safety and fled into the wilderness. A couple of time David had the opportunity to take revenge and kill Saul… but he refused. Partly because Saul was the Lord’s anointed. But partly because he truly cared for Saul and had forgiven him the danger Saul had placed him in. You need to remember that.
Another question: how do I know if I’ve forgiven someone?
ILLUS: I’ve often told the story of Corrie Ten Boom and the Bell rope because it speaks so powerfully to me about this.
In an article in Guideposts, Corrie Ten Boom told of not being able to forget a wrong that had been done to her. She had forgiven the person, but she kept rehashing the incident and so, couldn't sleep. Finally Corrie cried out to God for help in putting the problem to rest.
"His help came in the form of a kindly Lutheran minister," Corrie wrote, "to whom I confessed my failure after two sleepless weeks.
'Up in the church tower,' he said, nodding out the window, 'is a bell which is rung by pulling on a rope. But you know what? After the sexton lets go of the rope, the bell keeps on swinging. First ding, then dong. Slower and slower until there's a final dong and it stops. I believe the same thing is true of forgiveness. When we forgive, we take our hand off the rope. But if we've been tugging at our grievances for a long time, we mustn't be surprised if the old angry thoughts keep coming for a while. They're just the ding dongs of the old bell slowing down.'
"And so it proved to be. There were a few more midnight reverberations, a couple of dings when the subject came up in my conversations. But the force - which was my willingness in the matter - had gone out by then. They came less and less often and at last stopped altogether. And so I discovered another secret of forgiveness: we can trust God not only above our emotions, but also above our thoughts."
Now, that minister was wise enough to say that giving forgiveness doesn’t always yield immediate results. Even after letting go of the bell rope, the bell still clanged… for awhile. It’s just like this bowl of water we poured “forgiveness” into. The blackness didn’t disappear immediately. It took time, but it worked. We need to remember that.
One last thought - there’s one more thing about forgiveness we should remember.
We often think of forgiveness as something we grant to others (and it is) and today we learned that forgiveness heals our brokenness even when the person who hurt us is unrepentant. But there’s one thing more forgiveness does --- it makes us into missionaries to those around us.
Forgiveness is our missionary effort to those who have done damage to US and others, and if we are faithful in obeying Christ in this matter, we may be to heal the lives of those imprisoned by their sin… and bring them salvation.
II Corinthians 5:17-20
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us.”
CLOSE: His name was Jim Schaunessey. He was a football legend in Pennsylvania where they celebrate an annual "Jim Schaunessey Day". He was given a full scholarship to play for Arizona State, and was eventually drafted by the New England Patriots.
He was successful on the field because he practiced “smash-mouth” football. He wasn’t just satisfied to stop you and drop you… he worked at making sure you didn’t get up when the play was over.
Of course, the question is – why would he be so mean and harsh on the laying field? Well… because of his father. His dad regularly beat him severely a regular occasion made Jim shoe-leather tough. “My dad would paint the kitchen with my blood, and then he'd beat up my mom before my eyes”. Jim had one hiding place to run to when his dad was drunk and abusive. But when his father found it, he kicked Jim until Jim was black and blue.
Jim's outlet for his hatred was smash-mouthed football. He was a mean, tough and angry man on the field. And off the field he was in 100s of barroom fights… and he never lost a one. And when Jim saw a man hurt or insult a woman, he'd "light the man up" as pay back for the abuse he'd seen his mom receive from his dad.
In Jim's junior year in college, his life changed drastically. He had a "head on collision" with a crucified Man and used the three nails of the cross to pin his anger resolutely and permanently on his own rugged cross. Jim became a new man!
A counselor named Gary Smalley, met Jim shortly after his conversion and challenged him to forgive his dad and go home to seek reconciliation. Jim flatly refused
But Smalley said to him, "Jim, how much of your broken relationship with your dad is your fault?"
Jim snapped back, "3% at most. 97% is my dad's fault." Then Smalley said “As a follower of Christ, Jim, take 100% responsibility for your 3%.”
For some reason that made sense to Jim, so he went home to meet with his dad. But his dad hadn’t changed… he was still an angry and bitter man and responded to his son in ridicule.
Jim took his aging dad behind the house and sought his forgiveness. He apologized for everything he had done to his dad. And his dad responded by mocking him.
Jim began to weep and pray with his eyes affectionately heavenward. "God, my Father, I just ask that someday my dad can know You as his father as you have allowed me to know You."
When he looked up from his prayer he was surprised to see that his dad was weeping. Through his tears, the old man began to pray, "God, someday, will You let me know You the way Jim does."
His dad became a Christian and began to experience the peace Jesus had promised. For the remaining 14 year of his dad's life, son and dad, prayed together, played together and traveled together to places his dad had always wanted to see.
(Joe White, One2Won Crosstraining, Session 18)
INVITATION
