HoHum:
Here’s a story from a telemarketer: “The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.” Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.” “Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number. I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording. “Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…” Gathered from: http://www.f150forum.com/f15/got-joke-post-221708/index45/
WBTU:
When I was preaching, an older couple came to the church. I visited with this delightful couple. They were from Cincinnati. They had moved out to a farm near the church and had animals all over. Norman told me that his wife Joan had Alzheimer's. They wanted to continue to attend their church in Cincinnati but Norman knew that as things got more difficult for his wife, they would be attending our church more and more. They did come to the church about once a month and then not much at all. From time to time I would call them on the telephone to see how they were doing. On several occasions, Joan would answer the phone and then after a few minutes of conversation, would go into the bedroom and wake up Norman. I would ask Norman how he was, he would say tired, and then give the phone back to Joan. Turns out that Norman was staying up at all hours with Joan. Norman would take care of the animals, take care of Joan and everything else. On more than one occasion, I told Norman that it would be good to have some people from the church to sit with Joan while Norman got some sleep or got out to do something else. Oh, no, Norman could take care of it all. One time, several months went by and I did not see them. I called them on the telephone. Joan answered the phone and said something dreadful had happened. Norman had died. I asked Joan if there was anyone else at the house and Joan gave the phone to her son. Yes, he confirmed that Norman had died. A few weeks after this Joan came to the church with her daughter in law. After the service, Joan came up to me in tears and said that the farm with all of her beloved animals was to be sold and she would have to go into a nursing home. She loved her animals and she loved her farm but all of it would have to be sold. Oh, Norman, it may not have changed anything, but I can’t help but think that if he would have accepted more help, how things might have ended differently!
Much of the same advice and help that caregivers need in caregiving, is the same advice and help that caregivers need when their loved one dies. When the loved one dies, there is a sense of relief, but grief comes and consumes a caregiver. As a griever, we need to appreciate the fact that grief is work. It requires both physical and emotional energy. It is no less strenuous a task that was the caregiving. The term “grief work” was coined by psychiatrist Erich Lindemann in 1944 to describe the tasks and processes that we go through in grief. The term shows that grief is something we must work at actively if we are to deal with grief in a healthy fashion. It demands much more than merely passively experiencing our reactions to loss: we must actively do things and undertake specific courses of thought and action to help us in our grief.
Grief is not commonly perceived as work. We probably are not prepared for the intensity of our emotional reactions and do not fully understand the importance of accepting and expressing them. We probably did not expect to have to work so hard to accommodate ourselves to our loved one’s absence or to build a new identity and world for ourselves. Grief can deplete us to such an extent that the slightest tasks become monumental, and what previously was easily achievable now may seem insurmountable.
Thesis: We need to yield productively to the grief process, taking care of ourselves as we do it (from Therese Rando in her book, “How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, pgs. 252-256)
For instances:
1. We need to recognize that we must yield to the painful process of grief.
There is no way to go over, around, or under grief- we must go through it. Grief cannot be delayed indefinitely, it will erupt in some way, directly or indirectly. The inescapable fact is that we have sustained a major loss requiring a painful period of readjustment that demands excruciatingly hard work and causes more pain and trouble if we do not attend to it. Although the pain is distressing, the experience and release of it is a healing part of the process.
2. Know that is it understandable that we would wish to avoid the pain of grief
There is nothing wrong with us if we wish there was some way we could avoid the pain. It is common to want to avoid the pain and just as common to wish that we did not have to change our emotional attachment to the person who has died. We wish that the world would go back to the way it used to be, when our loved one was alive. Although it is only natural to want to escape grief and its painful emotions, we must continue with our grief work to be able to go on with our lives in a healthy fashion.
3. We must be patient with ourselves and not expect too much.
Don’t impose any “shoulds” on ourselves about the grief process unless we are quite sure that they are appropriate. Even if they are appropriate, we must give ourselves the time to deal with them. Grief takes much time and energy. It will progress at an uneven pace. We will make progress and then backslide again, but we will never go back as far as we were when we initially confronted the death. Make sure that our expectations are appropriate, and do not additionally stress ourselves by unrealistic standards.
4. Give ourselves quiet time alone.
As important as talking about our loss and receiving social support is in our grief, we will need some amount of tranquility and solitude. If we do not save some of this kind of time for ourselves we will not have sufficient opportunity to reflect on our loss, review the relationship, process our feelings, and so forth. Avoid constantly being with others or always being on the go- this can be a way to postpone or repress our grief. Need to find a happy medium between tending to our own personal needs and those of others.
5. Grief involves not only dealing with emotional responses but coping with practical problems as well.
Practical, day to day concerns are significant stressors to many bereaved people. So, too, are the grief related practical concerns with which we must contend, for example, not knowing what to do with our loved one’s clothes and personal effects. Unfortunately, many others in society will not recognize their importance to us, and often fail to offer adequate understanding and support in these areas. Try our best to avoid being overcome by these problems. Recognize that grief is an overwhelming experience, and tackle our problems one at a time, responding to demands when necessary but accepting help and support when possible.
6. Give ourselves breaks from our grief.
We cannot focus on our grief exclusively all the time. Delicate balance of leaning into our grief and taking breaks from our grief. Every so often we need to take a respite from it, just as we needed to do when caregiving. This will allow us to get the energy to continue with our grief work. For example, we will need some solitude so we can replenish ourselves, but also we should allow ourselves to enjoy other people and other aspects of life. This is not a betrayal of our deceased loved one. It is an important aspect of caring for ourselves so that we can deal with our grief better at another time. Pass out copies of the “Caregiver Stress Checklist”
7. Find a variety of ways to replenish ourselves following the depletion that results from the loss of our loved one.
The ongoing strain of grief, in which we are continually giving out and giving up, makes it essential for us to replenish ourselves in a number of ways. Such things as adequate rest and nutrition are important, as grief requires enormous energy. Books, religion or philosophy, art, crafts, a new project and the media can give us ways to find meaning in the loss of simply allow us to escape reality for a while. If we fail to replenish ourselves, we will “burn out” in our grief and not be any good to anyone, including ourselves.
Play 16 minute mark to 18:30 from video “The Transforming Power of Caregiving”
8. Avoid making any big changes
“No change for a year.” That’s the advise of all grief counselors. No new jobs. No new house. No new haircut. No new boyfriend or girlfriend. Just keep steady. That makes sense, really. We take comfort in the familiar — old slippers, old chairs, old books, old friends. If major changes must be made, discuss them with trusted friends and advisors who can give an objective perspective. Many times what appears good is distorted by our grief.
9. Engage in some form of physical activity to release our pent up emotions.
Grief can make us feel angry, frustrated, victimized, guilty, anxious, and depressed. These types of feelings are difficult to talk about and can easily become channeled into physical symptoms. Physical activity can release aggression, and relieve depression and other unpleasant feelings.
10. Work to maintain good physical health
Get exercise and rest. A balanced diet is important. Need to eat even at times when we are not hungry. Drugs need to be avoided, unless medically prescribed. If we are not sleeping or not eating for long periods of time see a doctor, medication might be necessary. Grief is a time of high physical risk, and therefore we need to act to minimize adverse physical consequences.
11. Seek professional help if necessary
I’m trying to start some grief support groups. Start there. If that does not help, then please seek professional help.
