Eyewitness to the Messiah
When Someone Does (You) Wrong
Matthew 18:15-20
Most of you are familiar with the Peanuts comic strip. In one of those comic strips Lucy demands that Linus change TV channels and threatens him with her fist if he doesn’t. “What makes you think you can walk right in here and take over?” asks Linus. “These five fingers,” says Lucy. “Individually they’re nothing but when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold.”
“Which channel do you want?” asks Linus. Turning away, he looks at his fingers and says, “Why can’t you guys get organized like that?”
Well, how many times have you wished that your fingers would get organized, and do something about what someone has done to you?
A lot of times the reason our fingers don't get organized in Lucy's fashion is that Jesus Christ is a part of our lives, and somehow loving one another doesn't seem to add up to giving someone a knuckle sandwich. Especially if that someone is another believer, and even if it seems that he or she might deserve it.
Well, this morning, we're going to talk about what to do when someone does you wrong, and that someone is another believer, a Christian, a brother or sister in Christ. Since obviously, a knuckle sandwich is not in a Christian's repertoire, and really doesn't solve much, how do you handle it when someone who claims to be a Christian, maybe a fellow member of your church, really does a number on you. Maybe they've swindled you out of some money, lied to you, gossiped about you, or slandered you in such a way that they have ruined your reputation or your relationship with others. Maybe they have even done something worse—maybe they have gone after your mate, or slept with him or her, or abused a son or daughter in some terrible way. How in the world do you deal with that? Yep, a knuckle sandwich is something you might be tempted to give, but you know that it's absolutely not what Jesus would want you to give, especially to another believer.
So this morning we continue in Matthew 18. Jesus has just covered the subject of pride vs. humility, with humbling ourselves even as a child coming out on top. But in the course of it He has managed to talk about how God will deal with people, in particular, unbelievers who cause those with childlike faith in Him to stumble, and to lose faith, sometimes permanently. He said it would be better for such a person if they had not been born.
Then he comes to the circumstance of what we are to do when a spiritual brother, or sister, does us wrong, or does a major wrong, whenever a brother or sister we know is involved in serious sin. How are we to respond?
And in short, Jesus says that when you've been wronged: Deal personally and privately at first, publicly only if necessary, but always carefully and prayerfully. Deal personally and privately at first, publicly only if necessary, but always carefully and prayerfully.
Now this passage is an incredibly important passage. I would say it is one of the most important passages in all of the Word of God about how to maintain a loving church family, how to make sure that the love and unity of the Spirit continues in a local church. Because this passage has often been ignored, there have been untold broken relationships, heartaches, bitterness, sin, and fractured fellowships. It has ruined many a reputation and many a ministry. If we as a church want to maintain the love and unity that we presently experience, there is no more important set of instructions in all of the Bible than what we have in these five verses. Unfortunately, I know this from many a painful personal experience.
And what sets this passage apart from almost all other passages in the Gospels is that it represents the second and last time Jesus refers to the church in all of his ministry. The church is not a building, but it consists of all believers who have trusted in Jesus Christ, the body of believers. The word church, the Greek word ekklesia, for called out ones, can refer either to the universal body of believers—all true believers in Jesus Christ the world over—or it can refer to a local body of believers, a local church, such as Risen King.
Now Jesus referred to the universal church the first time He used the Greek word ekklesia in Matthew 16:18. There He said to Peter, "I also say to you that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build My church; and the gates of Hades will not overpower it." The rock I believe Jesus was referring to there was the rock of Peter-like faith—the rock of Peter's confession that Jesus was the Christ, the Son of the living God. On this rock, Jesus would, in what at that time was the future, build His church. He would build His church of believers who would believe and confess the very same thing Peter had confessed—that Jesus was the Christ, or the Messiah, the Son of the Living God. So in Jesus' first use of the word "church," he told how He would in the future build His church. And in His second and last usage of the word church, I believe He tells how to prevent His church from being destroyed—He we can prevent His church from being split, fractured and destroyed. And that is by handling the sins of brothers and sisters against us in precisely the way that He outlines here—if necessary, going through all four steps precisely as He has outlined. Now this is very important--this is the very wisdom of God about how to handle the sins of believers, especially those against other believers, in such a way that we do not destroy the love and unity of the local church. You've got to notice how precise His instructions are, and that they are that way for a purpose. When we vary from them, the church ends up in disorder and experiences every kind of evil thing.
So what do you do when a brother sins? Jesus actually gives us three specific steps. First, a personal and private meeting, then a private conference, then a public correction and disassociation, a public correction and disassociation that is to ultimately be confirmed by prayerful and careful prayer and agreement.
The first step when someone has done wrong, or done you wrong:
Seek to win them personally & privately first. Seek to win them personally and privately first.
Verse 15, the Words of the Son of God: "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother."
This is so incredibly important, and so easy to violate. The last thing we want to do when we have been offended and hurt is to go and talk to the one who hurt us. We're willing often to talk to anybody and everybody who will listen to us about what someone has done to us, and this is the last thing we need to do. We absolutely must keep our problem with someone else between ourselves and that person.
Now the New American Standard here reads, "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault just between the two of you." Those of you who might have the King James will find a different reading which says, "If your brother sins against you, with the words "against you" being the difference. Again, some of the oldest and best Greek manuscripts do not have the "against you" included. And so the question might be whether we are responsible to show a fellow believer his fault whether his sin is against us or someone else. In other words, the question is whether there should be a mutual accountability between believers, in which each of us has some responsibility to turn his brother away from sin. The undisputable answer to this question is s, in my opinion, that we all bear some responsibility for our brother or sister's behavior. To the extent that we know that there is serious sin, we are each responsible before God to dissuade a beloved brother or sister from their sin, whether their sin is against us or not. We are in fact, to this degree, accountable for our brother's sin. Galatians 6:1 is just one example of this matter of concern for another brother or sister's sin, whether against us, or against God. "Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted."
The tenor of Scripture on this subject is to the degree that we can have influence someone turning away from their sin, to that degree we are accountable. We are responsible to attempt to turn someone from their sin so far as we can—after that, the responsibility is entirely upon said person.
So certainly, Jesus' instruction absolutely applies here when someone has sinned seriously against us, but it also applies whether a brother or sister has sinned seriously against God, and we know about it.
Now notice, the word brother, in verse 15. This indicates that this command applies especially to other believers. Jesus is talking especially about how we are to deal with others who are part of God's family, and the word brother indicates that the person is a fellow believer, a fellow member of God's family. This principle certainly can be used with unbelievers, but this instruction especially applies to how we are to relate to other believers who sin in some way.
Now that leads to the next question? What kind of sins are we talking about here? All believers sin here and there in various kinds of ways. Is Jesus talking about someone who accidentally ignored you on Sunday morning, or was picking their nose during the church service, or someone who snores during one of my sermons? Are we just talking about incidental and accidental sins? I don't think so. In a parallel passage regarding the subject of church discipline, which is ultimately what this is about, in I Corinthians 5:11, the Apostle Paul is specifies the kind of sins that might result in someone being disassociated from the church. What we find her is that Paul is talking especially about 10 Commandment kind of sins. He wrote, " But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one." So the category of sin when we take this whole instruction to the limit is very serious—immorality, covetousness—this refers to a general breech of the 10th commandment--someone who is a reviler or profane in his language, a drunkard or a swindler-- don't even eat which such a one.
Now of course, this instruction certainly applies when we are bothered by how someone has treated us in any form or fashion. If we feel someone has slighted us, or has spoken to us wrongly, then we have a right and even a responsibility at times to talk to him or her about it. On the other had, there are some sins we can overlook, and I believe it is Proverbs that says that at times, "It is to the glory of a man to overlook an offense." In other words, where you can give grace, give grace. But where you can't, then apply this process.
Now "if your brother sins" in verse 15 is followed by an unusual construction—two consecutive imperative verbs, or verbs of command. Go, show, or expose or bring to light the fault of your brother. In other words, Jesus is being emphatic about the fact that this is not an option, this is not a suggestion, this is a command, and it is to be initiated by the person who has been offended or is aware of the offense. This is incredibly important. This instruction is absolutely a command of Jesus. When you are offended, or God has been seriously offended by a brother's sin, then you must take the initiative, and you must go and reveal the offense to the person who is responsible for it. Talk to him as personally as possible. I believe the best and wisest way to do this is face to face. If this is not possible, then I think it should be voice to voice, a phone call. And only in the last resort should it involve a written communication. This is because communication, and caring communication is most of the time best accomplished face to face, where we can see the other person's responses and respond to them appropriately.
And then a final and incredibly important principle is the matter of privacy. "Go, initiate, and expose his sin to him privately. The Greek actually literally says, "between you and him alone." "Between you and him alone." Don't ever forget that. Every fiber of your being may insist on telling someone else first, or telling everyone but the offender first, because you fear his or her wrath, and more than that you just want to get your feelings off your chest. But there's a fair chance you're seeking or will get some measure of revenge by getting other people upset about that person's sin as well. And once you do that, you have sinned.
This is so incredibly important.
This is where we are often tempted to break one of the Ten Commandments ourselves. That is we are tempted to break the ninth commandment: "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor." Or as it is found in the second giving of the Ten Commandments, Deuteronomy 5:20 where we find a slightly different Hebrew word actually renders the sense of the verse as "Do not bear false or uncertain witness against your neighbor."
Now most of us who are aware of the 9th Commandment, think that it is simply a command against lying. But that is erroneous. It is very specifically a command against slander or gossip. The prohibition does not read "Thou shalt not lie." That command is found elsewhere in the Old Testament. But the 9th Commandment specifically reads, "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor." It is the lying or perhaps the incorrect information about what someone else did or said that is the sin that is in view and is the most damaging. It is damaging in that it damages a person's reputation and thus is likely to damage or destroy relationships with other people who will believe the accusation that has been brought against this person.
And you see, the person who has observed what he thinks is a sin in someone else's life may often be right, but he may also be mistaken. He may have assumed something, and not known all the facts. Until he actually talks to the alleged offender, he may not know all the facts. He may be the one who is in the wrong, and when he gives the supposed offender the chance to tell his story, he may find that his assumptions about sin were entirely wrong. And what happens if he has reported his half-cooked conclusions to someone else before he has discovered the facts? Chances are that the bad report will be spread, others will come to believe that which is untrue about the person and make conclusions about his character and a relationship and perhaps an entire ministry will be ruined and great heartache and great loss will occur. Because what has actually happened is that the person who didn't take their offense to the alleged offender sinned greatly himself—he slandered and/or gossiped about the person whom he talked about behind is back.
Wow! Now I have personally experienced this many times and the result has been many broken relationships and great heartache and loss not only for me, but for this church. What you must recognize is this, when you fail to follow this instruction, and talk to others about someone's alleged sin, you sin; you sin greatly and you sin because you may have slandered someone else's character or gossiped about something that was, according to Jesus, to have been an absolutely private and confidential matter between you and that other person from the get-go. And great destruction often follows. The Devil, believe me, is in the details.
Now for the next important factor here—the goal of the conversation: It's not to win an argument, but to win a person. The goal is not personal vindication, but reconciliation. The goal is to win your brother. Win your brother away from sin, if the sin indeed is his rather than yours.
Again, the motive is to be love, not hatred, not revenge, not getting back at some person, or telling them off, or venting your anger. All that we do is to be motivated by love. Now when we've been hurt, it's easy to let anger control the situation. But as James says, "The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God" (James 1:20). Yes, there may be some anger there, but the anger must be controlled and informed by love—a love for what is best for the other person. And what is best for the other person, again according to Galatians 1, is to restore him with a spirit of gentleness, looking to ourselves, recognizing that we are also sinners in need of grace.
So the first step when you've been wronged or there's been wrong committed by a brother or sister in Christ is this: Seek to win (or restore) them personally and privately first.
So when someone sins and you know about it, and it's a serious sin, do you
a. Ignore the problem.
b. Keep the problem to yourself so you can hold a grudge against him
c. Keep the problem to yourself so you can get back at him at an opportune moment.
d. Tell others first, so they can hold a grudge against him to and you can ruin his reputation?
e. Tell him off by venting your anger against him
f. Get the church to punish him
g. Tell the pastor first?
No!! None of the above!
Rather it's to first, seek to win or restore him personally and privately. Talk to him first about his alleged sin, or you may be guilty of serious sin—the sin of slander or gossip which is destined to divide and destroy.
But what if he doesn't listen to you?
Jesus covers that in verse 16: "But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. Again, a very precise instruction from our Lord Jesus about exactly what to do if you get a feisty and disagreeable response. If the person doesn't listen—that is if he doesn't heed what you say. He doesn't agree. He is not repentant. Then, and only then do you involve other people, and just one or two at that.
You see the importance of confidentially, limiting the knowledge of this situation to as few people as possible, recognizing that someone's reputation and therefore his relationships are on the line. And church love and unity is on the line as well.
Jesus says then take one or two other believers along with you, I take it. Take one or two others along with you, and I take it these are people you trust to be objective and to be mature enough to judge the situation for themselves.
Now why do you take one or two others along with you? Jesus provides the reason by quoting the Old Testament. Specifically he quotes Deuteronomy 19:15 about how legal disputes were to be settled. It says, "A single witness shall not rise up against a man on account of any iniquity or any sin which he has committed; on the evidence of two or three witnesses a matter shall be confirmed." In other words, multiple witnesses are needed to confirm any fact. The Old Testament confirms this in two other places, the New Testament also in two other places.
These additional one or two witnesses should be able to affirm or deny whether the offender is truly the offender, or there's a problem with the accuser; they may even be witnesses to the alleged offense as well. And of course, bringing in other people to the whole dispute raises the level of seriousness of the matter. Obviously, there's a major problem. Possibly the problem can be revolved by one or both of the witnesses who might act as peacemakers between the two parties. If it turns out the offender is really the offender, and all two or three of the witnesses agree on the matter, and the offender still refuses to listen to them, then a final act is warranted.
But before we get to this, remember, the motive is always love, the goal is always restoration. Punishment is not the goal. Discipline, corrective discipline is the means to bringing a sinner to repentance and relationships to a point of forgiveness and reconciliation. Revenge and vindication are not to be the primary motivating factors. Repentance, restoration, forgiveness and reconciliation are.
And notice also, the goal is to handle the problem as privately and as confidentially as possible, utilizing only as many people as are needed to confirm the facts and bring resolution.
So what if the offender still refuses to heed his reprovers? Verse 17: Jesus again gives us very precise instructions: "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church, and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." Again, this is not a suggestion, not an option, but a command. This is how you to deal most lovingly with an erring child of God. If you love him, you see that he is properly disciplined toward correction, toward spiritual health. The attitude is not that of a prosecuting attorney seeking to punish someone, but rather of a physician doing surgery gently but seriously in order to bring about spiritual health.
Third step: Tell the church and disassociate if there is no repentance. Tell the church and disassociate if there is no repentance.
Obviously, things become much more public at this point. If an elder or a church leader hasn't already been involved, then it's time to involve one of them, or all of them. Ultimately the elders or leaders must know in order to confirm what's happened, that it's happened Biblically and whether the time has come to inform the church.
Obviously, this is a last resort. The goal is still to bring the unrepentantly believer to repentance. For what we see here again,is that once the whole church knows, everyone in the church is to be involved in calling this person to repentance. And if still upon his sin becoming publicly known, then, what is to happen is that you all, as a whole church body, are to let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Now as Jesus spoke this, He was in the midst of a Jewish culture that had been taught that Gentiles were unclean, and were not to be allowed, unless they came to repentance and faith in Israel's God, to participate in Israel's worship. The Jews were instructed to come out and be separate from the unclean Gentiles so as not to adopt their customs--that is, their sins. Tax collectors, and Matthew, who reports this, had been a tax collector, were regarded as off-limits socially and spiritually as well, because they were viewed as traitors—they dealt with the Gentiles and became unclean because of those dealings, and even collected taxes from Jews from the Romans and often cheated their countrymen in the process of becoming rich at their expense.
So Jesus is saying to exclude such an unrepentant so-called believer from the church, from worship and other services and to exclude them from the normal social intercourse among believers. The Apostle Paul in that parallel passage on the subject in I Corinthians 5:13 settles the matter by instructing the Corinthians "To remove the wicked man from among you." He even says earlier in the chapter to "not even eat with such a person." Now again, this applies only to believers who are involved in unrepentant sin. I Corinthians 5 makes it clear that this does not apply to unbelievers who are only doing what unbelievers do.
But Paul gives another instruction which is very important in this matter, again in a passage on church discipline in I Thessalonians 3:14-16: "If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that person and do not associate with him, so that he will be put to shame. 15 Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother."
Now there is a fourth and very important dimension to these three steps: It is prayerful agreement among believers about the necessity of these steps. Prayerfully and carefully invoke the Lord's authority in such matters. Prayerfully and carefully invoke God's authority in such matters. That's what verses 18-20 tell us. Jesus tells us that whenever a group of spiritual believers agrees upon in accord with His Word about such a matter, they will have the very authority of Heaven, the very authority of God behind them, when they do so prayerfully and carefully.
Verse 18: "Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven." Jesus is not here saying that heaven automatically ratifies what we choose to do here on earth with regard to matters of church discipline. He is saying that when we prayerfully and carefully deal with these matters as He has outlined, in agreement with each other, we instead will have the leading of the Holy Spirit in such a way that our decision will ratify what has already happened in Heaven, what God has already decided to do in the case.
Verse 19: "Again, I say to you that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven." I believe this promise is especially with respect to this matter of church discipline, assuring us that the Father is behind us in every stand we take against sin in accord with this passage.
And He says this applies even to the smallest of churches, the smallest group of believers who might apply these steps: Verse 20: "For where two or three have gathered together in my name, I am there in their midst."
So what do you do when someone's done you or God wrong? Deal privately at first, more publicly if necessary, but always carefully and prayerfully.
Now some of you here may have a problem with this matter of disassociating. What I've noticed is that some who have a problem with the church disassociating from those whose very behavior denies what Jesus is all about often want to disassociate from that church. Do you know what you do when you do that? You affirm the very principle that you seek to deny—that is that a person or a group has the right to disassociate itself from something or someone who does things that they disagree with. Certainly the Lord wants a pure church, and He is concerned that a little leaven, or a little sin can leaven the whole lump—that if someone is allowed to sin unhindered, that the whole congregation may begin to think that sin is no big deal, and deny what Jesus is all about. So if you're struggling with this, I encourage you to think again. God disciplines for sin, and He requires that we do so as well, lovingly and gently, and with the goal always of healing and restoration. For sin destroys. But love builds up and heals.
This morning I invite you to bow, and I want to ask you to take this message to heart. If there have been times in the past when you have complained about others behind their back, and have not dealt with their sins personally and privately as you should have, then confess that as sin. And resolve in your heart, through prayer, that you will obey the wisdom of our Lord Jesus when you've been wronged, and do exactly as He has prescribed. Deal personally and privately with the offender at first, more publicly if necessary, but always carefully and prayerfully.
Lord, thank you for your love and grace, and that you've come not only to forgive our sins, but free us from its power and destructive influence in our lives. Help us to also be agents of your mercy, love and grace, especially when a beloved brother and sister is involved, and to do what is best for them, rather than what is easiest for us. We pray these things in Christ's name and for His glory. Amen!
