Three friends were hanging out one day, and their conversation grimly turned to the issue of death. One of the friends asked the others, “What would you like people to say about you at your funeral?”
One friend answered, “I would want people to say, ‘He was a great humanitarian who cared about his community.’”
A second replied, “I would want people to say, ‘He was a great husband and father, an example for many to follow.’”
The third friend gave it some thought and answered, “I would hope someone says, ‘Look, he's moving!’” (John Beukema, Chambersburg, Pennsylvania; www.PreachingToday.com)
Even though heaven is a real, wonderful place for all of us who have trusted Christ as our Savior, I don’t think too many of us are anxious to get there any time soon. However, there is coming a day when all of us will face death. You see, “despite the enormous efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent.” (The Onion, “World Death Rate Still Holding Steady at 100 Percent”, 1-22-97; www.PreachingToday.com)
All of us will die someday, but that fact doesn’t make it any easier when we have to face our own death or the death of someone we love very much, does it? So what do you do in the face of death? What do you do when you lose someone that is near and dear to you? What do you do when the grief of loss seems almost overwhelming? Well, if you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Genesis 23, Genesis 23, where we see how a real man of faith handled the loss of his own wife.
Genesis 23:1-2 Sarah lived 127 years; these were the years of the life of Sarah. And Sarah died at Kiriath-arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan, and Abraham went in to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her. (ESV)
That is, he mourned and wailed with loud cries. That’s what the original Hebrew indicates. This is no silent sorrow. It is an open expression of grief from a man who hurts very deeply.
After all, he and Sarah had celebrated more than a hundred wedding anniversaries together. They had experienced the ups and downs of life together. They moved across the desert together to a land flowing with milk and honey. There in that strange land, Abraham nearly lost his wife twice to a pagan king, and then miraculously got her back. They knew the pain of barrenness and the sheer joy of a miraculous birth. They had experienced a rich and full life together, and now the love of his life is gone! Abraham hurt deeply over his loss, and he can’t help but weep and wail with loud cries as he expresses the agony of his soul.
You see, That’s what a man of faith does when he loses someone he loves. His faith allows him to feel his pain deeply. People who don’t believe are afraid to feel. People who don’t believe are afraid to face their pain. Instread, people who don’t believe medicate their pain, they mask it, or they try to move on like nothing ever really happened.
John James and Frank Cherry, in their book on grief recovery, trace the story of a boy named Johnny. When five-year-old Johnny's dog dies, Johnny is stunned, and he bursts out crying. His dog was his constant companion; it slept at the foot of his bed. Now the dog is gone, and little Johnny's a basket case.
Johnny's dad stammers a bit and says, “Uh, don't feel bad, Johnny, we'll get you a new dog Saturday.” In that one sentence, Johnny's dad is really offering the first two steps in society's grief management program: Bury your feelings; replace your losses. Once you have the new dog you won't even think about the old dog any more.
Later when Johnny falls in love with a high school freshman girl the world never looked brighter, until she dumps him. Suddenly a curtain covers the sun. Johnny's heart is broken, and this time it's big time hurt. It's not just a dog. This is a person his heart was fixed on.
John is a wreck. But mom comes to the rescue this time and says with great sensitivity, “Don't feel bad, John, there are other fish in the sea.” Bury the pain, replace the loss. Johnny has steps one and two down pat now. He'll use them the rest of his life.
Much later, John's grandfather dies – the one he fished with every summer and felt close to. A note was slipped to him in math class. He read the note and couldn't fight off the tears. He broke down sobbing on his desk. The teacher felt uncomfortable about it and sent him off to the school office to grieve alone.
When John's father brought him home from school, John saw his mother weeping in the living room, and he wanted to embrace her and cry with her. But his dad said, “Don't disturb her, John, she needs to be alone. She'll be all right in a little while. Then the two of you can talk.”
The third piece in the grieving puzzle was now making sense to John: Grieve alone. So he went to his room to cry alone, and he felt a deep sense of loneliness…
Let's review. Bury your feelings; replace your losses; grieve alone; let time heal; live with regret; never trust again. (Bill Hybels, “A Better Kind of Grieving,” Preaching Today, Tape No. 108; www.PreachingToday.com)
That’s the way our faithless society deals with loss.
Not so the man or woman of faith. Like Abraham, they hurt deeply when someone they love dies. People of faith are not afraid to feel their feelings. They are not afraid to cry, even to weep and wail, if need be. It is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it is a sign of great strength. So when you experience a loss, go ahead and…
HURT.
Go ahead and feel the pain. Go ahead and cry, because a good cry will actually release you from the bondage of your pain.
Sometime after his father died, Bill Hybels talked about having a three-hour conversation with a seasoned Christian counselor. He asked her to talk to him about grieving, to tell him what she advises people to do when they're dealing with losses. She said, “I tell them to feel their feelings. But then I also urge people to reduce radically the pace of their lives. I urge them to review their loss, talk about it openly, think about it thoroughly, write about it reflectively, and pray through it.”
She continued, “It's my experience that people want to run from their pain. They want to replace pain with another feeling as soon as they can. To recover from pain, you have to face it. You must stand in it and process it before it will dissipate. That's God's way.” (Bill Hybels, “A Better Kind of Grieving,” Preaching Today, Tape No. 108; www.PreachingToday.com)
Jesus Himself demonstrated the way to handle grief at Lazarus' tomb! When Lazarus’ sisters brought Jesus to Lazarus’ tomb, John 11:35, the shortest verse in all of the Bible, simply says, “Jesus wept.” Jesus also expressed anger before and after He wept, according to John’s account (John 11:33, 38). He expressed furious indignation in the presence of death. Even though He was God in the flesh, even though He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, Jesus allowed Himself to feel the pain of the loss of a very dear friend.
Os Guinness says, “In Jesus' humanity we see God's perspective of our pain: the beautiful world God created is now broken and in ruins. Jesus will heal this broken world and our broken lives, but first, he came to earth in order to identify with our anguish.” (Os Guinness, Unspeakable, Harper San Francisco, 2005, pp. 144-145; www.PreachingToday.com)
So don’t be afraid of the tears. Don’t be afraid of the anger. Don’t be afraid to feel the whole gambit of emotions when you lose someone you love. It’s God’s way to heal the pain.
Nancy Guthrie, not long after her 6-month-old daughter died, was at a cosmetics counter buying some mascara. She asked the clerk behind the counter, “Will this mascara run down my face when I cry?”
The girl behind the counter assured her it wouldn't and asked with a laugh in her voice, “Are you going to be crying?”
“Yes,” Nancy answered. “I am.”
You see, Nancy and her husband had their daughter, Hope, for 199 days. She had Zeilweger Syndrome, and they knew she would die very soon. So they loved her. They enjoyed her richly and shared her with everyone they could. They held her during her seizures. Then they let her go.
The day after they buried Hope, Nancy’s husband said to her, “You know, I think we expected our faith to make this hurt less, but it doesn't. Our faith gave us an incredible amount of strength and encouragement while we had Hope, and we are comforted by the knowledge that she is in heaven. Our faith keeps us from being swallowed by despair. But I don't think it makes our loss hurt any less.”
Nancy says, “I've been blessed with many people who have been willing to share my sorrow, to just be sad with me. Others, however, seem to want to rush me through my sadness. They want to fix me. But I lost someone I loved dearly, and I'm sad.”
She continues, “Ours is not a culture that is comfortable with sadness. Sadness is awkward. It is unsettling. It ebbs and flows and takes its own shape. It beckons to be shared. It comes out in tears, and we don't quite know what to do with those tears.
“Many people are afraid to bring up my loss,” she says. “They don't want to upset me. But my tears are the only way I have to release the deep sorrow I feel.” She tells people, “Don't worry about crying in front of me, and don't be afraid that you will make me cry! Your tears tell me you care, and my tears tell you that you've touched me in a place that is meaningful to me – and I will never forget your willingness to share my grief.” (Nancy Guthrie, Holding onto Hope: Drawn by Suffering to the Heart of God, Tyndale House, 2002, pp. 9-11; www.PreachingToday.com)
What do you do when you’ve lost someone you dearly love? First, you hurt. Then you…
HOPE.
You look forward to a bright future. You anticipate better days ahead. That’s what Abraham did after he lost his wife. He went ahead and bought her a grave in the Promised Land, not in the land of their birth. It was an act of hope!
Genesis 23:3-11 And Abraham rose up from before his dead and said to the Hittites, “I am a sojourner and foreigner among you; give me property among you for a burying place, that I may bury my dead out of my sight.” The Hittites answered Abraham, “Hear us, my lord; you are a prince of God among us. Bury your dead in the choicest of our tombs. None of us will withhold from you his tomb to hinder you from burying your dead.” Abraham rose and bowed to the Hittites, the people of the land. And he said to them, “If you are willing that I should bury my dead out of my sight, hear me and entreat for me Ephron the son of Zohar, that he may give me the cave of Machpelah, which he owns; it is at the end of his field. For the full price let him give it to me in your presence as property for a burying place.” Now Ephron was sitting among the Hittites, and Ephron the Hittite answered Abraham in the hearing of the Hittites, of all who went in at the gate of his city, “No, my lord, hear me: I give you the field, and I give you the cave that is in it. In the sight of the sons of my people I give it to you. Bury your dead.” (ESV)
Now, when Ephron offered to give the cave and the field to Abraham, he did not mean it was free. This is typical Bedouin bargaining. Henry Morris says, “These were merely opening gestures of politeness which they expected no one to take seriously.” Ehpron is simply letting Abraham know that he is willing to sell what Abraham wants.
Genesis 23:12-15 Then Abraham bowed down before the people of the land. And he said to Ephron in the hearing of the people of the land, “But if you will, hear me: I give the price of the field. Accept it from me, that I may bury my dead there.” Ephron answered Abraham, “My lord, listen to me: a piece of land worth four hundred shekels of silver, what is that between you and me? Bury your dead.” (ESV)
This is Ephron’s opening asking price – 400 shekels or 10 pounds of silver. Now, in typical Bedouin bargaining, the seller always sets the price too high, much higher than what the land is worth. The buyer then offers something much lower. They dicker back and forth; and eventually they agree on a price somewhere in the middle. That’s what is typically done, but look at what Abraham does.
Genesis 23:16 Abraham listened to Ephron, and Abraham weighed out for Ephron the silver that he had named in the hearing of the Hittites, four hundred shekels of silver, according to the weights current among the merchants. (ESV)
Abraham accepts Ephron’s original asking price, and he pays a whole lot more for the field and the cave than it is actually worth. Why? Because he knows that his descendants will own all the land someday. God promised it to him, and 10 pounds of silver is nothing compared to what his family would eventually get for it.
Abraham is looking beyond the grave. He has a hope beyond his loss that far outweighs anything he ever gave up. Now, that doesn’t diminish the hurt, but it does set him free to move on.
Abraham looked forward to better days, and that’s exactly what you must do when you experience a loss of any kind. Don’t lose hope, because the truth is God has promised every believer a glorious future. The future is always better than the present for those of us who believe in Jesus. Count on it. That’s God’s promise to all of us.
Jeremiah 29:11 says, “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Please, when you experience a loss, don’t lose your hope.
Dr. James Dobson tells the story of an elderly woman named Stella Thornhope who was struggling with her first Christmas alone. Her husband had died just a few months prior through a slow developing cancer. Now, several days before Christmas, she was almost snowed in by a brutal weather system. She felt terribly alone – so much so she decided she was not going to decorate for Christmas.
Late that afternoon the doorbell rang, and there was a delivery boy with a box. He said, “Mrs. Thornhope?” She nodded. He said, “Would you sign here?”
She invited him to step inside and closed the door to get away from the cold. She signed the paper and said, “What's in the box?”
The young man laughed and opened up the flap, and inside was a little puppy, a golden Labrador Retriever. The delivery boy picked up the squirming pup and explained, “This is for you, Ma'am. He's six weeks old, completely housebroken.” The young puppy began to wiggle in happiness at being released from captivity.
“Who sent this?” Mrs. Thornhope asked.
The young man set the animal down and handed her an envelope and said, “It's all explained here in this envelope, Ma'am. The dog was bought last July while its mother was still pregnant. It was meant to be a Christmas gift to you.” The young man then handed her a book, How to Care for Your Labrador Retriever.
In desperation she again asked, “Who sent me this puppy?”
As the young man turned to leave, he said, “Your husband, Ma'am. Merry Christmas.”
She opened up the letter from her husband. He had written it three weeks before he died and left it with the kennel owners to be delivered with the puppy as his last Christmas gift to her. The letter was full of love and encouragement and admonishments to be strong. He vowed that he was waiting for the day when she would join him. He had sent her this young animal to keep her company until then.
She wiped away the tears, put the letter down, and then remembering the puppy at her feet, she picked up that golden furry ball and held it to her neck. Then she looked out the window at the lights that outlined the neighbor's house, and she heard from the radio in the kitchen the strains of “Joy to the World, the Lord has Come.” Suddenly Stella felt the most amazing sensation of peace washing over her. Her heart felt a joy and a wonder greater than the grief and loneliness.
“Little fella,” she said to the dog, “It's just you and me. But you know what? There's a box down in the basement I'll bet you'd like. It's got a little Christmas tree in it and some decorations and some lights that are going to impress you. And there's a manger scene down there. Let's go get it.” (Robert Russell, writer and pastor, Preaching Today #195; www.PreachingToday.com)
Her hope was restored. In the coming of Christ, Stella was reminded that life is stronger than death. Light is more powerful than darkness, and God is more powerful than Satan. Good will always overcome evil, and we who put our hope in Him will triumph someday.
So when you experience a loss, go ahead and hurt, yes! Don’t be afraid to feel the pain. But in that pain, put your hope in the Lord. Wait on the Lord in your pain, and then…
INHERIT HIS BLESSINGS.
In the place of pain, experience the fulfillment of God’s promises. In the place of loss, realize your greatest gain. That’s what happened to Abraham. Only after Sarah died did he begin to posses any of the land God promised him.
Genesis 23:17-20 So the field of Ephron in Machpelah, which was to the east of Mamre, the field with the cave that was in it and all the trees that were in the field, throughout its whole area, was made over to Abraham as a possession in the presence of the Hittites, before all who went in at the gate of his city. After this, Abraham buried Sarah his wife in the cave of the field of Machpelah east of Mamre (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan. The field and the cave that is in it were made over to Abraham as property for a burying place by the Hittites. (ESV)
Up until this time, Abraham didn’t own one square inch of the land God promised him. Now, he begins to possess the land. Some of it actually becomes his property. In the place of death, he finds new life. In the place of pain, he finds the fulfillment of God’s promise. In the place of loss, he finds gain, and that’s what happens to those who put their hope in the Lord. Even when they lose, they win!
Through a variety of tragic circumstances, Becky Greer lost all four of her children. The pain was unbearable, but in the midst of it all she found comfort in the powerful sense of God’s presence. That was her testimony, which she put in writing. She had it printed on a card with a lily on the front. This is what the card said:
“When the blooms die, plant it outside, Mom! That's exactly what the lady at the florist said to do, and it will come back next year,” exclaimed my 9-year-old daughter, Kami, as she proudly presented me with a beautiful potted Stargazer lily for Mother's Day. I told Kami I didn't believe the lily would come back. “But Mom, the lady said it would!"
When the blooms faded and died, Kami kept reminding me to plant the lily outside, and I kept putting her off by saying I just didn't believe the lily would come back. Kami remained persistent and insistent until I finally relented, and together we went outside to plant the lily in the backyard. Winter came and the lily died. Kami and two of her brothers also died that winter. My world became totally dark.
The following spring when the lily sprouted and grew to produce 27 fragrant pink blooms, I became filled with inexpressible joy. Joy in my darkness! How could that be? Without my children I believed I could never feel joy or happiness again. What a beautiful gift! Kami, an innocent child, had no trouble believing that the lily would live again.
Jesus said we are to have the faith of a child. God can resurrect even those things which we believe can't be resurrected. I did not believe the lily could survive the darkness of winter, and I did not believe that I could survive the darkness of my grief and suffering after losing all four of my children. God was working on the lily in the darkness of the earth, and he was working on me in the darkness of my grief. I just didn't know it. Just because we don't always experience God's presence doesn't mean he isn't there. (Becky Greer’s testimony; submitted by Van Morris, Mt. Washington, Kentucky; www.PreachingToday.com)
God is always there. God is always working to fulfill His promises even in the darkness of our pain.
So go ahead and hurt when you experience a loss. Don’t be afraid to feel the pain; but in that pain, put your hope in the Lord. Wait on the Lord; and then, inherit His blessings. For in the place of loss, you will realize your greatest gain.
Rick Warren, the pastor of Saddleback Church and the author of The Purpose Driven Life, together with his wife, Kay, went through a devastating loss when their twenty-seven-year-old son Matthew took his own life after battling depression and mental illness for years.
About a year after this tragedy, Rick said, “I've often been asked, ‘How have you made it? How have you kept going in your pain?’ And I've often replied, ‘The answer is Easter.’
“You see, the death and the burial and the resurrection of Jesus happened over three days. Friday was the day of suffering and pain and agony. Saturday was the day of doubt and confusion and misery. But Easter—that Sunday—was the day of hope and joy and victory.
“And here's the fact of life: you will face these three days over and over and over in your lifetime. And when you do, you'll find yourself asking—as I did—three fundamental questions. Number one, ‘What do I do in my days of pain?’ Two, ‘How do I get through my days of doubt and confusion?’ Three, ‘How do I get to the days of joy and victory?’
“The answer is Easter. The answer … is Easter.” (Lee Strobel, The Case for Hope, Zondervan, 2015, pp. 56-57; www.PreachingToday.com)
My dear friends, the answer to your pain is always Jesus, who died for your sins and rose again. If you haven’t done it already, I urge you to put your trust in Him and so experience deliverance NOT FROM your pain, but deliverance THROUGH your pain into the day of hope and joy and victory!
