Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her pastor in hysterics. “Pastor,” she cried, “John and I had our first fight together! It was awful. What am I going to do?”
“Calm down, Joanna,” her pastor answered, leaning back in his chair and shaking his head. “This isn't nearly as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight. It's natural.”
“I know, I know,” Joanna said impatiently. “But what am I going to do with the body?” (Van Morris, Mount Washington, Kentucky, www.PreachingToday.com)
It’s a sad reality that conflict is a natural part of every relationship. The trick is to handle the conflict in a way that we don’t end up killing each other. So how do we do that? How do we heal broken relationships? How do we resolve conflict in a way that brings us closer together rather than tearing us apart?
Nearly 2,000 years before Christ, two powerful men found themselves at odds with each other. There had been lying and stealing between them, and the resulting conflict threatened to destroy many lives. Even so, they found a way to resolve their differences and make peace with each other. If you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Genesis 21, Genesis 21, where we see how these men resolved their differences and so learn some principles for handling our own conflicts today.
Genesis 21:22-23 At that time Abimelech and Phicol the commander of his army said to Abraham, God is with you in all that you do. Now therefore swear to me here by God that you will not deal falsely with me or with my descendants or with my posterity, but as I have dealt kindly with you, so you will deal with me and with the land where you have sojourned.” (ESV)
About a year earlier, Abraham had lied to Abimelech, and it got Abimelech into trouble (Genesis 20). Eventually, the truth came out and Abimelech was spared a lot of hardship, but their relationship was never the same after that. Abimelech couldn’t trust Abraham, but he needed to, because Abraham was becoming rich and powerful in his land. It was obvious God was blessing Abraham, so Abimelech comes to Abraham to make things right.
He asks Abraham to do to two things. 1st, Abimelech asks Abraham to swear that he will not lie to him again. He wants Abraham to tell the truth. And 2nd, Abimelech asks Abraham to deal kindly with him, literally, to show him loyal love, the kind of love which will not change with the circumstances. In other words, Abimelech wants Abraham to demonstrate loyalty from here on out.
Now, Abraham could have said, “Forget you. You’re a wicked, pagan king, who can’t be trusted. That’s why I lied to you in the first place. You don’t deserve the truth. You don’t deserve my loyalty. I’m right and you’re wrong. God is obviously blessing me, and if you don’t like it, that’s tough!” Instead…
Genesis 21:24 And Abraham said, “I will swear.” (ESV)
Abraham swore to tell the truth and to love Abimelech’s family forever. Abraham doesn’t argue with Abimelech. He doesn’t make excuses. He simply agrees to Abimelech’s request. Why? Because Abraham knew he had wronged Abimelech, and he knows he needs to make things right. So Abraham simply says to Abimelech, “I swear it.”
In essence, Abraham admits his sin and promises to treat the man he had wronged differently in the future. My friends, that’s what confession is all about. It’s an admission of wrongdoing and a commitment to do it right from here on out. And that’s what you must do, if you’re going to resolve your conflicts in constructive ways. You must…
CONFESS THE WRONG.
You must honestly and clearly admit your own sin to those you have wronged and commit to changing your ways.
You see, confession is more than just an apology. “An apology is an expression of regret: I am sorry,” according to Susan Bauer in her recent book, The Art of Public Grovel. “A confession is an admission of fault: I am sorry because I did wrong. I sinned.” Apology addresses an audience, usually to try and make a good impression. Confession implies an inner change… that will be manifested in outward action. (Paul Wilkes, The Art of Confession, Work-man Publishing, 2012, pp. 4-5; www.PreachingToday.com)
And that’s what it takes to bring healing to your relationships. You must go beyond an apology to a real confession. It doesn’t work to say, “I’m sorry IF I’ve offended you.” That’s just an apology. No! If you want true reconciliation, then you must honestly and clearly say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong when I did (such and such), and I promise not to do it again.” Like Abraham, you must say to the one you have offended, “I swear [I will treat you differently in the future].” That’s a true confession, and that will bring true healing in the relationship.
Andy Stanley says he used to do a lot of marriage counseling where often one spouse would come in his office and start ranting and raving, “My husband does this …;” or “My wife never will do that…;” and on and on it would go. Stanley would sit there thinking, “This counseling isn't going to be very effective, because the person who apparently needs to change isn't even in the room.”
So he would get a pad of paper, draw a circle on it, and say, “This is a pie that represents all the chaos in your marriage. Now, 100 percent of the blame is in that pie, because that's where all the chaos is.” He would give them a pen and say, “I want you to draw a slice of pie that you think represents your responsibility for the chaos.” The piece of pie that that client would draw was never very big, but Stanley would say, “Okay. So why don't you and I talk about just this. Let's talk about this piece that is your responsibility. Let's talk about your slice.” You know what? Stanley says his approach never worked, because he could never get anybody to stay on his or her slice of the pie.
Here’s the point: When you experience relational conflict at work, at home, with your friends – any conflict of any sort, big or small – stop and think about your own slice of the pie. Ask yourself, “What is in my slice of the pie? Have I taken responsibility for my part in the chaos, really, or am I just playing the blame game so I don’t have to deal with my own problems.”
Andy Stanley says, “In any relationship, if you can ever get the two parties to own their piece of the pie, you can make progress. But if everybody is focused on the other person's slice of the pie, you will just have chaos.” (Andy Stanley, Let the Blames Begin, www.PreachingToday.com)
Playing the blame game only escalates the conflict. Taking responsibility for your own sin resolves the conflict. So if you want to see healing in your own relationships, then first of all confess the wrong that you have done. Then second, only after you have confessed the wrong you have done…
CONFRONT THE WRONG done to you.
Admit your own sin first. Then admonish the one who has sinned against you. It’s just like Jesus said: Take the log out of your own eye, THEN deal with the speck in someone else’s.
That’s what Abraham does. After he confesses the wrong he has done, he confronts the wrong done to him.
Genesis 21:25-26 When Abraham reproved Abimelech about a well of water that Abimelech’s servants had seized, Abimelech said, “I do not know who has done this thing; you did not tell me, and I have not heard of it until today.” (ESV)
Up until this point, Abraham had said nothing about the theft of one of his wells. No doubt, he was trying to avoid conflict, but that only increased the tension between he and Abimelech. No. It wasn’t until Abraham reproved Abimelech that there was any hope of any real resolution to the conflict between them.
Now, that word “reprove” in the original Hebrew language literally means to admonish. It means to point out the wrong in order to make things right, and that’s exactly what you must do if you want to bring healing to your relationships.
After you have confessed your own sins, you must confront the one who has sinned against you – not in a mean spirited way, and not in anger, but forthrightly and directly, with the expectation that the injustice will be rectified. There can be no real peace in your relationship unless you confess the wrong you have done and confront the wrong done to you.
Now, I’m not talking about “complaining” to your friends about how a certain person has wronged you. I’m talking about approaching that person directly and making it right with him or her, as Abraham does here.
You see, the man of faith does NOT let people walk all over him. He doesn’t let injustice go unanswered, for that is not a demonstration of faith at all. It is a demonstration of cowardice. True faith takes the risk of confrontation. True faith points out the wrong with the hope of making it right.
Ronald Kraybill, whose job it is to resolve conflict in Mennonite churches, made this observation in Leadership journal some time ago. He wrote…
Recently, I spent a weekend with a church paralyzed over several issues, then spent the following weekend with another church responding with little polarization to the exact same issues.
People in the first church felt bad about their disagreements. In fact, they viewed them as dangerous. When certain topics arose, voices quieted and bodies stiffened. People with known differences withdrew from each other, so when discussions did occur, it quickly turned hostile. What struck me was that while trying mightily to avoid conflict, this church was riven by tension.
The second church didn’t seem to try to hide its differences. I almost got the feeling people enjoyed the vigorous exchange of views. I mentioned this to the pastor, and he said, “I figure if you’ve got this many people growing together, you’re bound to have your share of differences.” It’s odd, but this church, which was NOT trying to bury its conflict, actually seemed to have less of it. (Leadership, Fall 1986, p.32)
You see, it’s when we withdraw from each other and fail to address the differences between us that we have more tension. But when we lovingly address our differences, when we stay engaged with each other, we enjoy a whole lot more peace.
If you feel someone has wronged you, don’t stay away from that person. Instead, make every effort to talk to that person, so you both can work to make it right. If you want to bring healing to your relationships, 1st, confess the wrong you have done. 2nd, confront the wrong done to you. And finally…
CONFIRM THE RIGHT path going forward.
Secure the commitments you make, and follow through with your agreements. That’s what Abraham does.
Genesis 21:27-31 So Abraham took sheep and oxen and gave them to Abimelech, and the two men made a covenant. Abraham set seven ewe lambs of the flock apart. And Abimelech said to Abraham, “What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs that you have set apart?” He said, “These seven ewe lambs you will take from my hand, that this may be a witness for me that I dug this well.” Therefore that place was called Beersheba, because there both of them swore an oath. (ESV)
Beersheba means “the well of the seven” or “the well of the oath”. Abraham and Abimelech are not content with mere talk. They literally “cut a covenant” with each other. That’s what it means when it says they “made a covenant” (vs.27).
The language suggests one of the most binding agreements two parties could make in Bible days. For when they cut a covenant, they literally cut some animals in half, placed the halves opposite of each other, and then walked through the pieces together (cf. Genesis 15:10). It was called a “blood covenant,” and it could never be broken. The parties in essence were saying to each other, “May the same thing happen to me if I should break my word to you. May I be cut up in pieces just like these animals.”
You see, mere talk is not enough. Abraham and Abimelech confirm their agreement with an unbreakable contract, and it secures a lasting peace between the two of them.
Genesis 21:32-34 So they made a covenant at Beersheba. Then Abimelech and Phicol the commander of his army rose up and returned to the land of the Philistines. Abraham planted a tamarisk tree [a firmly rooted, hard wood, evergreen tree] in Beersheba and called there on the name of the LORD, the Everlasting God. And Abraham sojourned many days in the land of the Philistines. (ESV)
Abraham found a real and lasting peace there, because he had confirmed his agreement with Abimelech, the king.
It reminds me of what God did for us when our relationship with Him was broken because of our sin. God was not content to let our relationship with Him go sour. No. He came down to us, and He lovingly confronted us. Then He made a blood covenant with us by shedding His own blood on the cross.
Now, all we need to do is confess our sins to Him, and depend on Christ to save us from our sins to enjoy an eternal and lasting peace with Him. How about it? Won’t you confess your sins to the Lord today and trust Him with your life? Commit your life to Him, and He will not only heal your relationship with Him. He will give you the strength to heal the broken relationships you might have with others.
He’ll give you the strength to confess the wrong you have done, to confront the wrong done to you, and to confirm the right path going forward. For that’s what you must do, if you want true peace in your relationships. You cannot be content with mere talk. Instead, you must find ways to confirm the commitments you make, to ensure that you will follow-through with those commitments.
Roughly 600,000 people have heart bypasses a year in America. After their bypasses, their doctors tell them that they must change their lifestyle. The heart bypass is a temporary fix. They must change their diet. They must quit smoking and drinking. They must exercise and reduce stress.
In essence, the doctors say, “Change or die.”
Well, you would think that a near-death experience would get their attention and these patients would make the appropriate lifestyle changes. Sadly, that is not the case.
Recent studies show that 90% of the heart patients do not change. They remain the same, living the way they’ve always lived. Study after study indicates that two years after heart surgery, the patients have not altered their behavior. (Thom S. Rainer and Eric Geiger, Simple Church, B & H Publishing Group, 2006, p. 229; www.PreachingToday.com)
No doubt, they promised to change, but mere talk is not enough. In order for real healing to take place, they must actually change their behavior.
So it is in all of your relationships. It’s not enough to confess the wrongs you have done and promise to change. With God’s help, you must actually change your behavior if you want a true healing of broken relationships.
It starts when you confess the wrong you have done. After that, confront the wrong done to you. Then confirm the right by following through on your commitments.
A story from the Wall Street Journal just a few years ago (2012) featured Al Golden, 85, who still choked up when he talked about his twin brother, Elliott, who died three years previously. The brothers shared a room growing up in Brooklyn, N.Y., graduated from the same college and then married within a month of each other in 1947.
Yet Mr. Golden still remembers how their father often compared their grades, asking one or the other, “How come you got a B and your brother got an A?” Elliott Golden became a lawyer and eventually a state Supreme Court judge. Al Golden went into the mirror business then sold life insurance. He says he always envied his brother's status and secretly took pleasure in knowing he was a better fisherman and owned a big boat. Once, Elliott asked him, “I am a lawyer. How come you make more money than me?” Mr. Golden says. “He meant: ‘How come you are making more than me when you are not as successful?’ But it made me feel good.”
One day, Elliott accused him of not doing enough to take care of their ailing mother. After the conversation, Al didn't speak to his brother for more than a year. “It might have been the built-up of jealousies over the years,” he says. His brother repeatedly reached out to him, as did his nieces and nephews, but Mr. Golden ignored them.
Then one day Al received an email from his brother telling a story about two men who had a stream dividing their properties. One man hired a carpenter to build a fence along the stream, but the carpenter built a bridge by mistake. Mr. Golden thought about the email then wrote back, “I'd like to walk over the bridge.” (Elizabeth Bernstein, "Sibling Rivalry Grows Up," Wall Street Journal, 3-20-12; www.PreachingToday.com)
My dear friends, with God’s help, let’s do all we can to build bridges in our relationships, not fences.
