HoHum:
One Sunday a minister was finishing up a series on marriage. At the end of the service he was giving out small wooden crosses to each married couple. He said, "Place this cross in the room in which you fight the most and you will be reminded of Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace, and you won’t argue as much." One woman came up and said, "You’d better give me five."
WBTU:
There are times when marriage is wonderful except when it is not. I have made Christian community, the church fellowship, sound so wonderful. There are times it is wonderful but there are other times when it is not. Community is messy. There is an old saying – The church would be a great place if it wasn’t for the people. Sure, this is said jokingly, but I think anyone who is involved in their local church can identify with the sentiment. People are messed up, and people make up the church. If we find the perfect church, don’t join it because we’ll mess it up.
Every year we have some who come back to church and some who look for another church. There are some who leave because they failed to get along with other church members. If we leave our current church over hurt feelings, we’ll leave the next church for the same reason. People are people. Feelings get hurt. Sometimes we’re too sensitive, sometimes the hurts are real. Either way, the solution isn’t leaving, it’s reconciliation. Or growing thicker skin. Leaving a church because one or two people offended us, only to go to another church where one or two people will offend again and we look for another church, is not a reasonable solution.
I’m not going to leave, I’m not going to fellowship, be around this person anymore. Since that is the case, have to quit going to this and that because so and so will probably be there. There is no greater challenge to building and sustaining community than to master the art of handling conflict in constructive ways. It’s an important topic especially in God’s eyes. Jesus said: “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35). Jesus is big on love and not so big on unresolved conflict.
Unity—or oneness—is something Jesus values. Remember how he prayed in the Garden? “…that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me” (John 17:21).
Two things happen when we let conflict divide us. First, oneness is broken. When we allow conflict to divide us it breaks unity. And second our witness is broken. Much like Jesus’ statement in John 13:35 here he says that when we are one with each other and the Godhead “the world may believe.” What do we do with these unresolved conflicts that divide?
““If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” Matthew 18:15, NIV. Specifically Jesus is dealing with sin in the church, but I want to apply this verse to conflict in general. Sin always divide us from each other and God, but there are instances where it’s just different personalities and misunderstandings that lead to conflict.
Jesus’ command can be broken down this way: 1) If there is conflict 2) You (implied command) 3) Go 4) To person (Show him) 5) In private (Just between two of you) 6) Discuss problem (If he listens to you) 7) For the purpose of reconciliation (won brother over)
Dealing with conflict always involves a series of choices. We can handle conflict constructively or destructively. Need to learn how to handle conflict constructively and need to fight fairly.
Thesis: Seven steps for resolving conflict
For instances:
1. Acknowledge conflict (If your brother sins against you)
To be alive means to be in some sort of conflict. This is an inescapable part of being a human being. Taken some group counseling classes and if the group has no conflict then the group cannot really form a true bond between each other. Without conflict unsure of how each group member functions in real life situations. Some advice the leader to initiate some conflict among group members to get the group to jell. Jean Vanier- Communities need tensions if they are to grow and deepen. Tensions come from conflicts... a tension or difficulty can signal the approach of a new grace of God.
Some believe that one of the marks of being spiritual mature is the absence of conflict. Some of the most godly men had conflicts. Paul and Barnabas had “such a sharp disagreement that they parted company.” Acts 15:39, NIV. Peter and Paul had conflict. “When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong.” Galatians 2:11, NIV. No tension and conflict might be a sign that people don’t care. When people care passionately about something, there will be some conflict. We care about others so deeply that there will be conflict
Be honest and admit that there’s conflict is the first step.
2. I Must Own Responsibility (you go)
Each person must own the task of seeking reconciliation. Jesus says if we’ve done something wrong, take the first step. Jesus also says that if the other person has done something wrong, we still take the first step. Earlier, in Matthew 5 Jesus says that if we are the one at fault we are to initiate restoration. “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24).
Jesus puts the burden on us in both cases. If we’ve done something wrong, take the first step. If we’ve been wronged, take the first step. We don’t always like what Jesus says, do we? We want the other person to come to us. We want the other person to do the hard work of initiation.
3. Approach the person we are in conflict with (go)
Here’s what most people do:
We wait. Now, sometimes it may be good to wait a bit, especially if we are angry. But the more we wait the angrier we might get. That’s why scripture says, ““In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,” Ephesians 4:26, NIV.
We run away from this person or avoid this person.
Jesus says for us to go and take action. Don’t let resentment build. Avoidance kills community. Avoidance causes resentment to fester within us. Anger is not all bad. Anger signals that something needs to be fixed and we need to move to action. Sometimes we need to buy time and cool down. Sometimes we need to walk away and figure out why we are angry in the first place (maybe we are in the wrong) “In your anger do not sin”. However, it is important to express anger in a constructive way. “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”
4. No third parties (Show him)
Go directly to the other person involved. We need to go directly to the person with whom we are experiencing the conflict and seek reconciliation.
If this does not work then involve a counselor or trusted friend but this should not be the first course of action. “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along...” Matthew 18:16, NIV.
“I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord.” Philippians 4:2, NIV. Euodia and Syntyche had a problem. And they got called out in church. Someone is reading this letter to the church and they hear their names called out. They are “begged, admonished, exhorted” to “agree, be of the same mind, live in harmony” with each other. He doesn’t tell the whole church to talk about it. He just adds some accountability to the situation because now the church knows something is broken and the expectation is for it to be restored.
Notice two other things in this conflict scenario. Paul doesn’t berate the women for having conflict. He even commends them for having “labored side by side” with him in the gospel. He says their names are “in the book of life.” Conflict happens to spiritually strong and active people. Then Paul tells the church to “help these women.” Sometimes it is helpful to find a third party who can help you take the steps necessary to deal with conflict. However, not first step.
5. Use sensitivity (Just between the two of you)
We approach those with whom we have a conflict in private... the same way we would want to be approached. “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31, NIV.
6. Direct Communication (If he listens to you)
4 general guidelines:
1. Describe clearly what happened 2. Explain how it hurt you
3. Tell what the consequences have been 4. Ask for the change you would like
7. Aim at reconciliation (won your brother over)
The goal in conflicts is not to win or score points- goal is reconciliation and forgiveness. Our aim is to restore the relationship. Reconciliation is rarely simple and almost never quick. However, this is God’s will for the human race. This is intent and command for the community of faith- the church. Community is worth fighting for!
So what?
“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation--” Colossians 1:21, 22, NIV.
