HoHum:
Larry Crabb said in his book called The Safest Place on Earth- “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual community.”
WBTU:
This mornings sermon was about how to handle conflict in a constructive manner. However, I think we are missing something here that needs to be talked about. What causes so many fights and quarrels? James asks the same question, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” James 4:1, NIV. So many times we point the finger at others when really the problem is within us.
The apostle Paul talked about this: “So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.” Romans 7:21-25, NIV. Paul uses 4 terms to describe his experience:
1. The term law explains a principle at work within all of us. Law fails to set us free from sin, the law helps us to see sin in our lives. “What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, “Do not covet.” But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead.” Romans 7:7, 8, NIV. This principle is like gravity; we can’t choose to be free from sin’s influence by the law. Sin takes the law and enslaves us.
2. The term war (vs. 23) illustrates the ever present struggle going on within us. This inner conflict, between a desire to do what is right and the power of sin is at work within us.
3. The term prisoner (Vs. 23) describes our experience. Have we ever wanted to do the right thing, but instead we were pulled into sin? Say to ourselves, “I can’t believe I did that again!” This is what it feels like to be a prisoner. A prisoner has lost his freedom.
4. The word rescue (vs. 24) is a dramatic word that is often overlooked. In light of the 3 previous terms this word should shine brightly. When we need rescue it means we are hopeless without any help.
These 4 words means that our biggest problem is inside us and we can’t fix it on our own. Paul’s evaluation of the struggle with sin is sobering, as this points out its impact on our relationships. Sin affects us in 6 basic ways. Hint, these are all focused on the “self.”
Thesis: Let’s talk about these 6 relationship killers
For instances:
1. Self centeredness
When we reject God, we create a void that cannot remain empty. That void is filled with ourselves. The main idea is, “What is best for me?” Relationships are about being other centered, the self centeredness of sin will sabotage our friendships.
People who are self centered desire attention and approval. They fear rejection and not being recognized and affirmed. They are often anxious and needy.
2. Self rule
When God’s wise rule over us is replaced with self rule, other people become our subjects. We expect them to do our bidding and bow to our control. People who desire self rule have a need to be right and in control. They fear being seen as wrong, being dependent upon others. They are often angry.
3. Self sufficiency
When we reject God, we believe the delusion that we are not dependent on anybody or anything. In moving away from each other, we move away from one of God's principal means of providing for us. If we don't see that we are dependent upon god, it is unlikely that we will be humbly dependent on others. Relationships are best built upon godly, mutual dependence. The redemptive give and take God uses to show his love for us is missing when independence rules. People who desire self sufficiency have a need for independence and time alone. They fear the dependence and neediness of others They are often cold and distant.
4. Self righteousness
When the holiness of God is abandoned as our standard of what is good, true, and right, we will always set ourselves up as that standard. Christians begin to think of themselves as more righteous others. We are aware of the other person’s sin and we work hard to get that person to see their sins. However, the problem is that we are fail to take responsibility for our own sins. This approach will lead us to develop an inflated view of ourselves, and by necessity, an excessively critical view of others. Godly relationships flourish best between two humble people who acknowledge their weaknesses and sins and their need for grace from God. The self righteous person who denies his need for grace will fail to be a channel of grace to others.
The self righteous person wants to be right in the eyes of others. They fear being wrong or guilty. They are often aggressive and argumentative.
5. Self satisfaction
When satisfaction and fulfillment are our idols, we use people and love things. For example, parents who crave a good reputation view their children as tools to gain it. Spouses who crave intimacy manipulate their mates to get it. People who crave success view others as either a means or a threat to their agenda. People who crave comfort are excited about easy relationships and annoyed by difficult ones. People who crave control are threatened by strong people and gravitate to weak people. People who crave material things shun relationships that hinder this pursuit.
People who crave self satisfaction desire pleasure. They fear that others will interfere with their personal pleasure. They are often controlling, demanding, and dissatisfied.
6. Self taught
When we are the source of truth and wisdom, we forsake the humble, teachable spirit that is vital to a good relationship. We will always be the mentor in our relationships and give the impression that we have little if anything to learn from others.
People who are their own source of truth want a platform to air their own opinions. They fear being told what to think, say, or do. They are often opinionated and domineering.
So what?
How do we overcome this sinful “self” (James 4:7-10):
1. Realize that we are double minded (Vs. 8). When we have conflict in our relationships, this is one way that God wakes us up to our duplicity. We often try to love God but also love the world (Vs. 4). We try to serve God and ourselves. This leads to being double minded. Did not know I was so self centered until I got married. Now I see it regularly. “You are such a jerk”. I realize that many times I fail in this: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3, 4, NIV. Relationships are other centered. This is why people often fail at relationships.
2. Submit to God (Vs. 7)- Submission is looking at the humble, self-emptying example of Jesus and following this example. “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:” Philippians 2:5, NIV. For Christians, submission is a matter of the will. James commands us to make a willful choice to submit our imperfect will to God's perfect will. This is be our daily experience, for daily our natural tendency is to rebel against the people and circumstances God uses in our life to aid in our submission.
3. Repent of our pride and selfishness (vs. 5-6)- God is jealous for us. What does God use to regain our affection? Many times he uses other people. This is one of the blessings of conflict. He uses the difficulties in our relationships to allow us to see that many times we live for everything but God. God uses other people to rescue us from self glory and self love. Why does he allow this? Because he loves us more than we love ourselves! Who is God using in our life this way? Do we see that our God is acting on our behalf when he placed this person in our life? We can’t avoid conflict, but it can be a place where amazing growth takes place!
4. Practice humility on a daily basis (James 4:8,10)- if we want to get along with other people, then we have to learn to ask forgiveness from God and from those we hurt. James 4:8 says, “Wash your hands ... and purify your hearts” (NIV). Our hands represent our conduct, and our hearts represent our attitude. James is basically saying: Clean up your act. Be sorry for your self-centeredness. It is a big deal when our spouse’s feelings are hurt. Take it seriously. If someone says we hurt then, then we did! It may not be a big deal to us, but it was to them. We must be willing to ask forgiveness. Think of the person who causes the most conflict in our life. Would we like to begin to resolve the conflict with that person? The only way we’re going to change is to be humble, and the only way to be humble is to ask forgiveness. James 4:10 says, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” The way to honor is humility. One man said, I used to think the way to be honored by my wife and my kids was to never admit that I was wrong. I figured if my kids thought I was wrong, they wouldn’t respect me any more. It wasn’t a surprise when I found out they already knew I wasn’t perfect. I found that the way I gained honor before my kids and my wife was to admit I was wrong. If we want to be honored by our husband or wife and the Lord, we must humble ourselves.
