There is hope - there is always hope!
* There is hope no matter how bad things seem at the moment.
* There is hope no matter how frustrated you feel.
* There is hope no matter how much pain and heartache you’ve experienced.
* There is hope no matter how strained your relationship has become.
* There is hope even if you feel completely out of sync with your spouse.
* There is hope even if the only words you say to each other are hurtful.
* There is hope even if all you see is the end of a broken love affair.
* There is hope even when divorce seems the only option.
There is hope.
I don't know what kind of relationship issues you are facing this morning. Perhaps you are desparate for a partner, to love and be loved by, perhaps your marriage is stale, cold, or even breaking up. This morning there is hope, because of Jesus
Eph 5:25-28
"Husbands love your wives" - love is a command. I tell you why Paul picks on the husbands later. In practice it's two way!
Love is a command because love is a verb, a doing word as much as it is a feeling.
Feelings come and go. Studies have shown that romantic love lasts 18 months
When people say "I'm just not in love anymore" what they mean is that the feeling of love has gone and the action of love isn't being done.
Steven Covey wrote "Love the feeling is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions".
If we focus on the doing of love, loving actions, the feelings return and grow stronger. I have seen marriages rescued and turned around as even just one partner commits to the right loving actions.
You may have read some expert's 101 ways to express love to your spouse. Tried two that seemed good to you, tried them and your other half didn't even notice. You give up on the other 99 ways and go back to life as usual.
The trouble is people speak different love languages.
I love languages - find them fascinating. When I go to our international cafe and try to speak with someone who is Polish, I have about five words Hello "Chin Dobry", Tea "Herbata", Thank you "cincoya" and Scaffolding "Rushdavania". Not sure what use scaffolding is, but it's a fun word! The rest of the time its hand signals and odd words. To communicate effectively across that language I'd need to learn that language.
Same with love. Your emotional love language and your spouses may be as different as Hungarian and English. No matter how had you express love in English, if your partner only speaks Hungarian they won't understand a word!
I love holding hands and putting my arm around, but Jan loves acts of service. I'd love to kiss and hold her hand, but she would rather I helped her first! It's important to speak your partners love language.
There's five love languages, five ways people speak and understand emotional love. So when the apostle Paul commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church - he is setting a challenge, an adventure to find ways to love your wife selflessly. That means working out how she feels loved, her love languages and learning how to speak it. The other way too!
You may know what your love language is - the important this is to speak the love language of your other half! When you learn to speak your spouse's love language well, love won't evaporate, but last...
So here they are
1) Words of affirmation
Mark Twain said "I can live for two months on a good compliment" - for him six compliments who keep his emotional love tank full for a year! If that's your spouses love language, they need more than that!
Words of affirmation are compliments, words of appreciation that communicate love.
"You look great today", "Thanks for sorting out that problem, couldn't have done it without you"...
There was a lady who couldn't get her husband to paint the bedroom, despite nagging him constantly. So she was asked well does he do anything good like taking out the rubbish, refuelling the car, mowing the lawn? Yes. Well don't mention painting the bedroom again and compliment him every time he does something good. 3 weeks later it was done!
Words of affirmation is not verbal flattery to get your partner to do something you want. It is doing something for the wellbeing of the one you love. The outflow is a full emotional tank, motivated reciprocation!
Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals. If you are not a man or woman of words, if it is not your primary love language but you think it may be the love language of your spouse, let me suggest that you keep a notebook titled “Words of Affirmation.” make a list of the good things they do and are and tell them!
2) Quality Time
For some it is quality time - time and attention. Lots of men show their love by working hard to provide and forget that quality time communicates love to their particular wife better. Many of us guys are problem solvers and so when the wife comes home and wants to talk about a problem at work, we give a solution and then next day when they talk about the same issues get cross they haven't applied the solution. Don't tell me again until you have done x! Actually they just wanted to talk and have quality time! Marriage is a relationship not a project to be completed or a problem to be solved.
This one is about spending quality time together in a common pursuit, enjoying being together. So I get to go on lots of shopping trips, smiling and holding bags and it fills Jan's tank nicely. She also took up jogging - it's great we get to spend quality time together and she has to be quiet, because she's focused on breathing! Actually that doesn't count much,as quality is about time to communicate!
Eye contact, listening without doing something else, hearing the feelings and confirming them and not interrupting are all important here! recent research has shown most of us can only listen for 17s before interrupting. Oops!
Some of you are babbling brooks - you talk a lot and some are dead seas - you don't talk at all. work on improving!
Quality time requires three things
i) At least one of you wants to do it
ii) the other is willing to do it
iii) You both know why - to express love by being together!
3) Receiving gifts
For some it is receiving gifts. And for some giving them. Don't reject an expression of love in a gift. A clue that someone's love language is receiving gifts is that they give them!!!
Gifts are visual symbols of love and come in all shapes, sizes and colours. Some are expensive and some are free. they can be bought, found or made.
If that is your partners love language - time to get creative! Think of all the things they have loved receiving. If you have no idea what they would like. Get help from family or friends.
If you are spender, you will have little difficulty spending. If you are thrifty, skint or a saver it will be harder, but you are making an investment.
4) Acts of service
Emily sat in the living room, pecking away at the laptop. She could hear sounds from the utility room, where husband Simon was catching up with the piles of laundry. She smiled to herself. In recent days Simon had cleaned the flat, fixed supper, and run the errands, all because Emily was in the midst of finals for uni. It made her feel content . . . loved.
Her primary language is acts of service and her tank was getting filled!
Acts of service are Jan's primary love language. I often ask her "I love you, how can I help you today?" I worked that out the easy way! My spouse’s criticisms about my behaviour gave me with the clearest clue to her primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.
5) Physical touch
Most blokes think this is their primary love language, because they love sex. That doesn't mean that it's your primary love language. Words of affirmation people love sex too, especially when their tank is full!
Physical touch as a love language is more than just foreplay intercourse it can be momentary things like a hand on the shoulder as a cup of coffee is given, rubbing past, holding hands, arm round shoulder on a walk... Once you find your partner is a physical touch person, it's time to get creative! Under the table touch, a kiss on the cheek as you put seatbelts on, stroking hair in front of the TV...
So Paul tells us husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church. If love has cooled, then it's time to start doing loving actions to rekindle it. Love is a verb, the feelings come as an overflow of the actions.
Aim is to find out what your other half's main love languages are and do them.
How do we find out our primary love language?
What does your spouse do or not do that hurts most deeply? if words hurt then it's probably words of affirmation.
What have you asked from your spouse most?
What do you naturally want to do?
More important is what is your partners primary love language?
What do they most criticise?
What do they most like you doing?
If the love tank is so empty and the marriage is cold, think back to the early days, what showed love then, what did tehy appreciate then?
How can we speak each other’s love language when we are full of hurt, anger, and resentment over past failures? The answer to that question lies in the essential nature of our humanity. We are creatures of choice. That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done. We have spoken critical words, and we have done hurtful things. We are not proud of those choices, although they may have seemed justified at the moment. Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, “I’m sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.” I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love. Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.
Experiment 6 weeks - don't tell them, do it and see what happens!
I've addressed marriages and long term relationships so far, but what if you are single? Being single or married has nothing to do with whether you need to feel loved! Everyone has a God-given desire for complete and unconditional love in all relationships. Understanding and applying the five love languages will enhance all relationships. This stuff is ofr everyone to use and apply with spouses, friends and children
The 5 love languages material has come from an amazing book "The Five love languages" by Gary Chapman - I highly recommend you get it! Read it and put it into practice
Marriage is a picture - husbands loving their wives selflessly is a picture of Jesus loving his bride the church, by laying down his life for her. That's why Paul just commands husbands to love their wives. He's making a point about Jesus' love for the church. In practice husbands and wives both need to love each other selflessly for the marriage to flourish.
Relationship issues boil down to the most important relationship you can have. God the father loves you. He doesn't just say it, he proved it by sending His Son Jesus.
John 3:16
For God - God always was, is and always will be. He is large and in charge. He is bigger than any problem or relationship difficulty you have.
He spoke and galaxies came into being. He spoke and myriads of amazing flowers and trees and mountains and lakes were created. He spoke and men and women, with intellects and emotions and desires and passions were created. He knows every hair on your head, knows everything you have ever done and he still loves you
So loved the world He gave his One and Only Son
He loves you. Not just words. He loves you more than words can say. He proved that love by sending His Son, who wanted to come, to get down and dirty, born in a stable, facing every temptation we face without giving in, rejected, spat on, abused, beaten and ultimately dying for you in your place.
We need that because we have messed up, said things we shouldn't, done things we are ashamed of and thought, oh my thought things that we wouldn't want our partner to know, let alone the God of heaven. The bible calls all of that sin and tells us it's the ultimate relationship breaker with a Holy God. And because there's nothing we can do to make up for the negative. No amount of positivity will bring the sin account back to zero. Jesus came to show the love of the Father, died in our place on the cross, so
that who ever believes in Him
Whoever turns from doing life their way towards God. Recognising that God's way is better - which the Bible calls repentance. Changing your mind and life orientation to God and then believing. Trusting that Jesus death on the cross and resurrection is the only thing that will restore a relationship with God. If you do that you
Shall not perish, but have eternal life
God wants you to have a relationship with Him as a great Father, access to heaven, access to the power of the Spirit to bring love and joy and peace and patience and goodness and kindness and gentleness and self control.
The way back is through Jesus.
Do you need hope for relationship difficulties?
On a surface level work out what your partner's love languages are and talk them and on a deeper more lasting level get the one relationship that undergirds all the others sorted by responding to Jesus.
We respond simply by talking to God and believing in our heart.
SLIDE 31
If you'd like to restore relationship with God so that he can help you with the rest of life. I'd like to invite you to pray with me - follow me line by line.
Father God I recognise I am far from you.
I've done, said and thought things that were wrong and I'm ashamed of.
Jesus thank you for dying for me in my place so that I could be forgiven.
I'm turning to you for forgiveness and leadership.
Forgive me and be my Lord.
Thank you that you make me brand new, forgiven, cleansed, a new creation.
Fill me with the power of the Holy Spirit so I can follow you and enjoy knowing you.
Amen
