The kids wanted a hamster really bad. They pleaded with their mom, making all kind of promises. One promise was to care for the hamster. Finally, mom agreed and got them a hamster. They named him “Danny.”
Within two months, Mom had the responsibility of Danny’s care. Despite her encouragement, it seemed the kids had lost interest in the hamster. She decided it was time to find a new owner for Danny.
She called the kids together and told them of her decision. One child said nonchalantly, “I’ll miss him. He’s been around for a long time.” The other child pleaded, “Maybe he could stay if he ate less and wasn’t so messy.” But mom was firm. “It is time to find Danny a new home.”
Suddenly the kids began crying. “Danny?” they wailed. “We thought you said Daddy.”
Sometimes, as fathers, we feel that perhaps the family pet gets more attention than we do. If we are filling our role as dads, we sacrifice for them, we work to provide for them, we encourage them in their efforts, and we support them in their dreams. We discipline when necessary, even though it makes us “the bad guys.” Everything we do is based on love for our children.
When your kids are small, they believe that dad knows everything. When they hit the teenage years, dad is old fashioned, out of touch, and doesn’t understand. When they become parents, then dad becomes someone they can relate too. Then when dad is gone, they wish he were around because he knew everything.
When the kids are successful, they give mom the credit. Just ask any sports figure. When the camera is on them what do they say? “Hey mom.” But dads seem to catch the heat when the kid’s go bad. “Deadbeat dads.” Even in church services on Father’s Day, dads are usually filled with guilt afterwards for not living up to Biblical standards.
So today, I want to cut dads some slack. Listen guys. We are not perfect. We have flaws. We are fallen people who are impacted by the sinful world around us. We do the best we can but some maybe saying it’s not enough. While it is true we are to be more like God, our Heavenly Father, we will never be that perfect in fatherhood. So let’s cut ourselves some slack today.
An elderly man was sitting around the day before Father’s Day depressed and gloomy. His children had been gone for a number of years. They would occasionally call to check on their parents but seldom visited. When his wife asked him what was wrong he tearfully replied, “I feel I failed as a father. I tried to be a good father but I guess I wasn’t. I know I made mistakes but I really tried.”
Shaking her head she called her son in New York and said to him, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you I cannot take this anymore. I am leaving your father; 45 years of misery is enough. I‘m sick of his whining, and so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. "Like heck she‘s leaving him," she shouted, "I’ll take care of this."
She called Phoenix immediately, and said to her mother. "You are NOT leaving him. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"
The mother hung up the phone and went to her husband. "Guess what honey. The kids just called. They’re coming to see you for Father’s Day and even paying for their flights."
Let’s read Romans 8:1 “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.”
We have all blown it as fathers. When my kids were small, I would lose my patience with them. I threw a screwdriver in the direction of my eldest son for not moving fast enough. I smacked my daughter’s leg for waking me up. I pulled my youngest son from the back seat of the car and punched him in the arm. (The way I remember it was I spanked him but he insists on the punch story.) I know all these things happened because my kids will not let me forget about them.
We mess up. We lose our cool with our kids. We say hurtful things to them in a moment of anger. When they fail at something, we may make them feel inadequate. If they are still small, you have an opportunity to change. You have a chance to be more like the Heavenly Father; forgiving, patient, kind. If they are adults, we may need to apologize in some areas that we failed. And forgive in the areas where our children failed us.
Most importantly, we must forgive ourselves for failures as a father. God would not condemn us for not being perfect. That is the job of the enemy. He blessed us with our children because He had faith in us to be good fathers. He did not give us this gift because we were perfect. In fact, He gave us the gift of children despite our imperfections.
If we are doing our best to be followers of Jesus, then we have no reason to feel condemned when we stumble. In fact, there is God’s approval in the followers of Jesus in spite of our stumbles.
When I was a little boy, my father smoked. In fact, he smoked in bed. I know. Not a wise thing to do. But as I would lay there and see the glow of his cigarette, it gave me comfort to know he was there where I could see him.
Our Heavenly Father is there where we can see him. No matter how bad his child messes up, He is still there facing them. He is not mad at us. He is not condemning us. He is a loving, merciful, forgiving God who enjoys being our Heavenly Father.
He is our role model as a father to our children. We must strive to be like him. Stop questioning your ability to be a good father. Stop questioning the past as to whether or not you were a good father. Stop condemning yourself and embrace God’s approval. Quit thinking of yourself as an ugly duckling.
Do you remember the story of the Ugly Duckling? He was hatched in the same nest as all the ducks. But while they were soft and yellow, he was big and ugly. None of the other animals in the story could understand what was wrong with this ugly duck.
So the Ugly Duckling felt worthless. He felt he was a failure for not measuring up to the standards set by the other ducks. But the truth was he wasn’t a duck at all, but rather a beautiful and graceful swan. Once he realized who he truly was, he was able to embrace his destiny.
Let’s read Mark 12:31. “The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”
Maybe as a father, you feel a bit like that ugly duckling. Perhaps dads that seem to have mastered fatherhood surround you. You feel very inadequate.
One of the worst things we can do in life is being against ourselves. Focusing on our weaknesses will only magnify those weaknesses, which we all have. That perfect dad is not all that perfect. When we develop the Ugly Duckling mentality, we begin to accept that we are something we are not.
To love our children we must first love ourselves. That means respecting and accepting ourselves as God made us. That means realizing that you have faults and imperfections. If there is a war being fought on the inside, it will affect your relationship with your child.
When I was in management, there were times when I felt I was not in control. There were times when those that I had authority over did not give me the respect or honor I felt the position demanded. In turn, I questioned my ability as a leader. This resulted in me developing a mindset that my children would give me that respect and honor that my position as their father demanded. This lead to me being impatient and frustrated with my children at times. What I considered lack of respect from my children was actually lack of respect for myself.
Love for yourself is just as important as love for your children. How do you treat you children when they mess up? Do you call them worthless? Do you turn your back on them? Or do you forgive them and embrace them? Then treat yourself the same way. Show yourself some love and give yourself a break. When you see yourself in the mirror, what do you tell yourself?
Two rednecks, Billy Joe and his friend Bubba are out in the woods hunting when Billy Joe suddenly grabs his chest, keels over and falls to the ground.
Billy Joe doesn’t seem to be breathing, his tongue is hanging out and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Bubba frantically whips out his cell phone, and calls 911. He yells to the operator, “Help! I think my friend here is dead! What do I do?”
The operator, in a calm. . .soothing voice says, “Ok, ok, calm down and take it easy. I can help. First of all, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard. . .
Bubba comes back on and says, “Ok, now what?”
Proverbs 18:21 tells us “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”
The 911 operator did not do Billy Joe much justice. Misplaced words perhaps cost him his life. And misplaced words can do the same for us.
How would you describe yourself as a father? “I try but I fail, or have failed, too many times. I just can’t get it right. I blow my top all the time over the smallest things. I am a horrible father.”
If you are speaking those words over your life that may be part of the problem. James 3:10 says, “blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth.” If all your words are words of self-condemnation then you are speaking curses on your life. And, according to Proverbs 18:21. You will reap the consequences of those words in your life. Those consequences will affect your children and your relationship.
But that same mouth can speak words of blessings into your life. “I am a good dad. I mess up but I am still a good dad. Sometimes my children are angry with me but I am a good dad. In fact, I am the best dad that I can be at this moment and intend to be a better dad tomorrow.”
God gave you children because you met his approval to have children. They are a gift from God. He equipped you to father those children. The children you have where chosen by God for you to have them. And you were destined to be the best father that you are capable of being. Speak words of blessings in your life. Do not speak negative words about yourself. Reap you blessings.
My blessings have come to me in the form of three children and seven grandchildren. And I was able to share my wisdom with my children as they grew and this wisdom has helped them to become the wise adults they are. Here are my top ten.
10. When I was your age, I had to walk six miles to school in the snow and rain . . . uphill both ways.
9. If I had acted like you, my father would have knocked me into the middle of next week.
8. When I was your age, kids had to make their own fun.
7. You weren’t born in a barn.
6. When I was your age, I had to work for what I got.
5. You don’t wanna make me stop the car.
4. “Because I said so” is a reason that makes perfect sense to me.
3. You’d better stop crying or I’ll give you a reason to cry (like you didn’t already have one).
2. You’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached.
And the #1 thing they learned from me . . .
1. Money doesn’t grow on trees!
There is a chance that we, who have adult children, feel our advice fell on deaf ears. We see our children making mistakes, often the same ones we made, and we want to intervene in their lives and fix things. We find it difficult to step back and let them live their adult lives. But we must.
Or perhaps you have a strained relationship with your child. You feel that things are irreparable.
Look at Romans 4:18 “Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, ‘That’s how many descendants you will have!’”
Abraham had the promise of a nation of children when he did not have any. Yet he had one thing, hope. We must keep our hope alive. Hope that broken relationships will be repaired. Hope that our children will be better parents than we were.
My dad was a good father. I remember as a kid thinking he was the funniest man I knew. He was a hard worker, providing for his family faithfully. But he wasn't perfect. He loved to poke fun at our dreams and laugh at our failures. He never felt comfortable hugging us or kissing our cheeks. I never recall him ever saying to me "I love you.", although I know he did. I recall only once hearing him say, "I am proud of you." But he was a good father.
I never faulted him for his shortcomings but I did pledge to be a better father than he was. And I wanted my kids to be a better father than I was. But it began with me declaring I would be a better father.
I have no problems showing my emotions to my sons. I have no problem saying, “I love you.” to them. I have encouraged them in their efforts and hurt with them in their disappointments. I am proud of all my kids and tell them so.
I know this message was centered around dads. But these principals apply to all of us. If you, in your walk with God, feel that you have blown it, you haven’t. God is compassionate and understanding. He sent the Holy Spirit to comfort and build us up. Don’t let the enemy tear you down. God does not condemn you for messing up. The opposite of condemnation is approval. You have God’s approval.
Learn to love yourself. You can’t love others until you do. You have flaws and imperfections. So does everyone else. God loves you right where you are. And if He loves you, then love yourself. Then you can love others.
Speak kind words about yourself. When you fail at a task, don’t lash out at yourself and berate yourself to others. Recognize your imperfections and speak words of encouragement to yourself. Declare you will be more successful next time.
And hope. Cling to the promises of God. He promised you prosperity. He promised you health. He promised you joy. Let no one, including yourself, or nothing rob you of your hope.
