HoHum:
My dad would often joke that he needed to treat his children well because his 4 children would choose his nursing home. He wanted to make sure he got the best nursing home so he had to treat us well. One day my dad was talking about this on the phone with me and I came up with an idea. I said, “Dad, tell you what, if it comes to it, we’ll just move you in with us.” Dad said, “Move in with you? You mean that you would do that for me?” I said, “Yes, Dad, move in with us.” Dad answered, “I don’t think so. Your wife would have to take care of me because of all of your church responsibilities. Move in with you with all your children, you’ve got to be kidding.” Dad doesn’t joke about me choosing his nursing home anymore.
WBTU:
The Care Of The Elderly by David Padfield
The Ten Commandments were given by God at Mt. Sinai to govern His people (Exodus 20:1-17). These commandments are divided into two sections. The first four commandments deal with one's relationship to God, while the last six deal with one's relationship to other people.
In Exodus 20:12 we read, ““Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” These verses are clearly talked about in Ephesians 6:1-3: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”--which is the first commandment with a promise-- “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”” Ephesians 6:1-3, NIV.
Most people think of "honoring father and mother" only for a young child or teenager being obedient to their parents. This is only part of the issue. In the New Testament, our Lord applied Exodus 20:12 to those who sought to escape the burden of caring for their aging parents (Mark 7:10-13). Apparently, children (some of whom were no doubt parents themselves) exempted themselves from their obligation to "honor" their parents by declaring their money was "dedicated to the temple." They did not actually give the money to the temple, but they intended to do so. They then claimed they could not financially take care for their own parents. I have seen individuals pull the same scam in our day. Since the command to honor one's parents is repeated in the New Testament (Ephesians 6:1,2), wouldn't those who seek to be relieved of this duty be just as guilty of sin as those to whom Jesus spoke?
“Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.” 1 Timothy 5:3, 4, NIV. Edgar Goodspeed translated this verse as, "to return the care of those who brought them up."
Some Christians expect institutions to do what families in the church ought to do. I know of Christians who purchase nice houses and automobiles, and then expect someone else to care for their parents. Such individuals should not be coddled, but withdrawn from if they refuse to honor their moral and spiritual obligations to their parents.
You can just hear some of these ingrates crying, "But it would be too crowded for them to stay at our house!" That might be true. Your parents' house was probably crowded when you were young too. Others claim it would be too expensive to care for their parents. Your parents no doubt made sacrifices for you when you were in need many years ago. Others bemoan the fact that they would not have any privacy if their parents came to stay. Well, you can ask your own parents about that one.
"Repaying your parents" might mean you living in a crowded house, driving an older model car and wearing faded clothes. Christians in the first century "sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need" (Acts 2:45). If they could do this for those whom they barely knew, shouldn't children be willing to do the same for their own parents? Notice this: “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” 1 Timothy 5:8, NIV.
Taking care of an aged parent is simply repaying the love they gave us in our time of need with love in their time of need. From David Padfield at: http://www.padfield.com/1993/elderly.html David Padfield has some useful things on his web site but have some issues with this article.
Sounds biblical and logical doesn’t it? Some of it is but we are forgetting some things here.
1. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24, NIV. The Hebrew word for “leave” comes from a root word that means to “loosen,” or to relinquish or forsake. For marriage to work, the spouse needs to loosen ties with the family of origin and forge new ties with his/her new family they are creating through marriage. This does not mean that husbands and wives shouldn’t have a relationship with their extended families. But they do need to set clear boundaries with their families of origin. Many marriages fail because one partner fails to set clear boundaries with the family of origin, and the spouse and children get leftovers.
2. Yes, in Bible times the aged were taken care of by their children, moved in with their children. Shame that many in our day relinquish their responsibilities to their aged parents. However, in Bible times they did not have medical care and the facilities that we have today. If they had them, many would have used these facilities so that their aged parents could get the care they needed. Not abdicating their responsibility but because they love their aged parents and have compassion on them, they want them to have what they really need. Many are living longer in our day because of the medical advances and the care provided for older persons. Think about the many years of wisdom they can pass on to children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren if they get the care that they need.
3. Some parents are not really in need. They are milking this for all it is worth. “Children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children.” 2 Corinthians 12:14. Godly parents are to look out for the good of their children. Parents are not to be self centered and the whole world revolves around them. Some parents think their children were put on this earth to take care of them. Not so! We are to be making disciples of Jesus Christ from our children and they are not put here to serve us. Goal is to raise them to leave the nest and go out on their own and make a difference for the gospel and the Kingdom.
Thesis: Marilyn Fanning in her book, “The Not So Golden Years,” gives some advice in this area
For instances:
Recognize losses
Both generations suffer losses that must be recognized and acknowledged. Parents must leave lifelong homes, prized furniture, cars, friends and churches. Many times this means giving over control of finances, schedules, and routines which have been parts of their lives for so long. This loss can cause trauma.
The children are also affected. There is a role reversal. Once these fathers helped us with math, gave us allowances, and said no when we wanted to use the family car. Mothers made us brush our teeth and change our dirty clothes. Now we, their children, make these kinds of decisions for them. This role reversal is hard from both parent and child.
Establish priorities
Getting caught up in this process of role reversal can cause changes in everyone and some are unpleasant. As everything progresses, we discover feelings from the past that must be dealt with. We may get busy enlisting the help of a spouse, children, brothers or sisters. As events quiet down, you may find that you haven’t. Subtle changes occur. A husband or wife indicates displeasure, or reacts by withdrawal and silence. Other family members disagree with the choices that were made. Need to evaluate our priorities.
All that appears urgent is not necessarily important. If our life reflects a wholeness from having priorities in order, that wholeness will flow outward, causing others to be calm and purposeful. How do we accomplish this?
We must accept life as it is, not as we think it should be. Being realistic enables us to list our priorities and goals so that we may integrate them into our lifestyles, as well as take steps to correct those that are out of order. Praise and thank God for time to work on this.
Recognize the needs of others who are precious to us. Be honest with each other and with each other’s feelings. Marilyn Fanning- One conversation with my mother, while she was in the nursing home, shocked me at first, but opened the door for me to be honest with her. For some forgotten reason, I needed to skip some visits with her to be with my husband, a decision which I shared with my mother. “I know,” she lashed out. “Mother’s don’t count!” I realized that, as the eldest of four, my mother had experienced a close relationship with her own mother. In addition, she was past 30 when she married, and had always lived at home. I sat down near her. “Your mother always came first, didn’t she?” I asked gently. “Yes”, answered my mother, now in her late 80’s. “My husband must come first,” I told her, and explained that this decision came from God’s Word. “You know very well that I love you and care about you. That will always be true.” She calmed down. She did understand. Just as a child, she had felt a temporary disappointment and hurt. I left her room that day feeling whole, because I had not allowed an angry phrase to destroy communication or leave my mother in a state of rejection.
A few truths to keep ourselves on course:
Spend time daily in prayer and God’s Word.
Remember that we can provide for our parents’ comfort but we cannot make them happy.
What seems urgent is not always important. Evaluate choices and decisions considering this.
“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NIV.
