HoHum:
Gerald Lebowitz tells this story- On the way home one night, I spotted some fresh cut roses outside a florist’s shop. After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman. “Are these for your wife, sir? she asked. “Yes,” I said. “For her birthday?” she asked. “No,” I replied. “For your anniversary?” “No,” I said again. As I picked up the flowers and headed for the door, the young woman called out, “I hope she forgives you.”
WBTU:
How can a marriage recover from the worst of sins like adultery? Adultery breaks a marriage in a way nothing else can. Many marriages cannot recover from adultery and they end. Jesus even said in Matthew 19:9- “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness (adultery), and marries another woman commits adultery.”” Jesus is saying that divorce is permitted in cases of adultery. This is permitted but not commanded. We can forgive and be reconciled and stay true to the marriage covenant even after adultery.
Said last week, A marriage will die without a heavy dose of forgiveness. The failure to give or receive forgiveness probably accounts for nearly every marriage that stops. How can two people survive together without saying, “I’m sorry”? Unfortunately many husbands and wives have a hard time knowing when and how to say these words.
Going to talk about the steps outlined in the “Forgiving Marriage” by Dr. Paul Coleman. However, these steps need to be put into action in all relationships. In marriage but also in parent child, good friends, work friends, church friends, etc.
Tried to put this in one sermon but going over the first 3 phases today and the last 2 next week
Thesis: 5 phases of forgiveness
For instances:
1. Identify the Hurt and Feel Remorse
Some people think that feelings are always wrong. We all have emotions and the Bible speaks a lot about emotions. Jesus showed emotions - weeping over the death of his friend Lazarus (John 11), being angry at the way the temple was being used, filled with compassion for the sick and the crowds. A well-adjusted person isn't afraid of emotion and realizes that this is a gift of God. God has emotions and we are made in His image.
To feel emotions is to be alive. Sadly, people often hide or deny their feelings. Many of today's psychologists are convinced that one's "emotional intelligence," or EQ, is a far better predictor of life success than one's "rational intelligence," or IQ.
Now the Bible does warn us about using our feelings as the controlling force of our lives. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9, NIV. However, in relationships headed for trouble, we need to admit and identify our feelings. Yes, there are some situations that we just need to overlook. However, that is what some people do all the time and this is not good especially when these things affect the future of the relationship. For example, if you are frightened by your anger, you may pretend instead that you are just a little annoyed. Or you may convince yourself that the hurt against you was no big deal, when it was. If you are afraid of admitting your guilt, you may try to assure yourself that someone else made you act that way or that you didn’t intend to let things get so out of hand. Denying our true feelings is not going to help the relationship.
Feeling remorse is an important part of forgiveness. Remorse can come about only after you acknowledge your guilt. It shows that you feel bad about your role in the problem and that you wish to have a more caring relationship. Remorse goes beyond the feeling of regret. Whereas you feel sorrowful when you regret your actions, remorse goes one step further and points you in the direction of reconciliation. When you’re remorseful, you want to do something constructive to begin the healing process.
Paul said something similar when he confronted the Corinthians about their sins and this lead to productive change. “Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it--I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while-- yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” 2 Corinthians 7:8-10, NIV.
2. Confessing and Confronting
Whether you are the one who needs to confront the other person about the hurts against you, or the one who needs to confess to the pain you’ve caused, there is no avoiding confessing or confronting if there is to be a healing of the relationship.
If you are anxious at confessing or confronting, such uneasiness is normal and expected. Your anxiety is a signal that what you are about to do is risky. You are worried about how the other person will react. Most likely you are frightened that the person will react negatively and that the relationship will be damaged beyond repair.
Confessing
In confession you admit your responsibility for any hurts you caused. You own up to your guilt and the fact that you violated a relationship you were committed to. In other words, you blame no one but yourself for what you did.
When you confess there is a surrender. You no longer fight to pretend that you are innocent of wrongdoing. You make no excuses. You give up fighting on the side of defensiveness and false pride, and you surrender to the freedom that honesty provides you.
When marriage is involved, we are kidding ourselves if we believe we can hold back from confessing our serious sins and not see the relationship suffer.
In a similar way, in our relationship with God, we need to confess our sins. When we confess our sins we take ownership for our sins. God knows we have done this and our being fake with him will only make the relationship worse. “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” Proverbs 28:13, NIV.
Confronting
If you have been deeply hurt, perhaps betrayed, and you wish the relationship to be healed, you must confront the other person with your feelings of hurt and anger. You must also let the other person know that your motive for the confrontation is to heal the relationship.
Like confessing, Confronting is rarely easy or comfortable. But nothing worthwhile comes easily. The purpose in confronting is not merely to communicate your feelings, but also to set an example for how you want the relationship to be for this point on.
An example of confrontation in the Bible is when Nathan confronted David with his sin of adultery with Bathsheba. Nathan was so concerned about David at the expense of his own life that he confronted him. Thankfully David did respond with repentance and a desire for reconciliation with God and others. Tough situation but isn’t that what friends do.
Follow the guidelines of Matthew 18:15-17: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
Have a conversation about this, just the two of you. As much as possible this conversation needs to be about “speaking the truth in love”- Ephesians 4:15. Some guidelines here:
Ask the other person if it's a good time to talk.
Speak your truth, respectfully and non-judgmentally.
Stay open to understanding their side.
Allow the other person to express their response and feelings.
Even so, keep speaking your truth.
Stick to the facts as much as possible.
Use "I" statements. Try to speak about what you have done or how you feel.
Keep it brief. Probably have to talk about this again at another time.
Stick to this one subject.
Own up to any part you have in the problem.
Ask for what you want and need from this point on
If no changes then move onto step 2 under Matthew 18. Bring someone else into the picture. Could be a Christian counselor, could be a trusted family member, could be someone in church
If no changes, then tell this to the church elders. If nothing else they can pray for you. Hesitant to bring family matters before the whole church but abide by what the elders request.
3. Challenging conversations
After the confession or confrontation has occurred, need to have a constructive exchange of personal thoughts and feelings. Reason for these challenging conversations is to try to gain a better understanding of how and why the hurts came about. The better you understand each other, the more you’ll be able to contend with future problems in relationship.
When we stay in difficult conversations, we increase the probability that the relationship will be restored. By staying in challenging conversations until you reach an understanding, you will discover that there was more going on with each of you that you knew. You may rediscover just how much you mean to each other.
From these conversations, need to come up with a plan of action. What do we do now?
“Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” Isaiah 1:18
HoHum:
A wise woman said, “A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”
WBTU:
Last week we began talking about the phases of forgiveness or more like reconciliation from the “Forgiving Marriage” by Dr. Paul Coleman. We talked about adultery and how this can be forgiven and the marriage restored.
If your spouse commits adultery, you have two choices:
1. Stay and do whatever it takes to find healing and restoration for your marriage
2. Leave and move on with your life.
This second option is biblical justified. God is so grieved by infidelity in marriage that, as much as He hates divorce, He allows infidelity to be grounds enough to justify it. However, what a witness it is when a couple forgives and reconciles after this most devastating of sins.
Stormie Omartian in her book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage, tells this story: “I know of one particular couple who recovered from infidelity better than any couple I have ever known. They were both Christians who were faithful in their church. They seemed to have a wonderful marriage and family. However, the husband discovered that his wife had been having an affair with another man. When he confronted her, she admitted it was true. The husband came to our house to tell us that he had discovered this affair and to share how angry and devastated he felt. He asked us for our prayer support as he dealt with the aftermath of it all. However, as he sought the Lord, he realized that he wanted to save his marriage more than he wanted revenge. So he took time off from work and spent uninterrupted quality time with his wife, listening to her tell him everything that had been going on inside of her through the years that led up to the affair. Just a few weeks later, the husband brought his wife to our house on a Saturday morning saying he wanted to tell us something. The four of us sat together in a private room where no one else in the house could hear. He told us that God had opened his eyes to how insensitive he had been to his wife’s needs and requests for years, and he wanted to apologize in front of us for his part in this and for his anger and disappointment with his wife when he came to our house the first time. I have never heard anything so amazing as this tender and heartfelt apology by this husband. His wife was so touched by his declaration of love, and his commitment to do whatever it took to save their marriage, that she was completely broken and repentant. They stayed in the church, and they stayed with each other. Their marriage survived this terrible disaster, and it is still growing today.”
This summarizes what I talked about last Sunday. Need to identify the hurt and feel remorse. Need to confess the sin or confront the sinner. Need to engage in difficult and challenging conversations. It is to be hoped that there will be forgiveness and reconciliation of the marriage. However, this is not always the case. In this story, things could be quite different. The husband could do these same things but the wife refuses to repent, refuses to get out of the relationship with this other man, and no reconciliation. What do we do then? Well, there is not much more that this husband could do except these next steps.
Davon, my marriage is having a hard time but definitely no sexual adultery. I am giving this as a source of hope. If people can recover and have a good marriage after adultery through the power of God, then you can have a good marriage no matter what you are going through.
Thesis: Let’s go over these last 2 phases of forgiveness
4. Forgive and make restitution
There comes a time when you must forgive or be forgiven if you are to be reunited with the person you are alienated from. Our ability to forgive comes from God. Forgiveness is never a simple act. However, we can forgive because as Christians we have been forgiven. How can I forgive such a thing and continue this relationship? “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13, NIV.
After we have confronted and had these difficult conversations, we need to forgive. Forgive, but not silently. “I forgive you,” is an important phrase. Forgiveness spills over into all you do, filling in the nooks and crannies and all the hidden places in your life.
Forgiveness is rarely done perfectly by humans. We will find that we will have to decide to forgive, much like we choose to love, several times after the confession or confrontation. We must forgive. A Christian who is not willing to forgive others will find his fellowship with God hindered. “But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:15, NIV. How many sins has the Lord forgiven us? In Matthew 18 the man owed 10,000 talents. Like the National Debt. Never able to pay that back. Through Jesus Christ, we have been forgiven. This same man goes out and demands payment from a man who owed him 100 denarii, owed him very little. “In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”” Matthew 18:34, 35. We have been forgiven of so much by the Lord, need to forgive the hurts against us.
Everett Worthington has done much research on forgiveness. He says there are two forms to forgiveness. There is decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness. Decisional forgiveness is based on one’s decision to forgive. Decisional forgiveness is intentionally changing my behavior toward the offender. Emotional forgiveness is changing the emotions toward the offender. Decisional forgiveness decides to stop negative behavior in broken relationships and to restore positive behavior in continuing close relationships like marriage. Decisional forgiveness comes first. Emotional forgiveness happens over time after decisional forgiveness. Notice that the emotions eventually follow the decision. “I will not forgive until I feel like forgiving.” Many times that will not happen.
That’s great but what if the other person does not apologize, does not repent. Forgiving does not always end in a happy reunion. Sometimes the offenders response to our forgiveness is, “I couldn’t care less.” We need to let others take responsibility for themselves. We cannot make them repent. Why should we let them keep us from healing ourselves? We need to forgive the unrepentant for our own sake. We need to forgive people who do not care if only so that we do not drown in our own misery. Like the Bible says, ““Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” Romans 12:19, NIV. Leave the avenging to God- that, I think, is the way for us to cope with people who hurt us and do not seem to care. Ideally, forgiveness takes two. Forgiving is real even if there is no reconciliation. Should you sentence yourself to hate simply because this person you need to forgive does not want your forgiveness? If the people you forgive want to stay where they are, let them. You can make a solo flight to freedom.
Think of Jesus. “Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.” Luke 23:34, NIV.
Restitution, or somehow “making it up” to this other person can be helpful especially when both want reconciliation. Is it possible to pay back whatever was taken by an act of betrayal? No, but it can be helpful to reconcile. When one feels bad about what they have done, their love compels them to do something to ease the other’s pain. “Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.” Proverbs 14:9, NIV.
5. Let Go and Forget
After you have forgiven the one who has hurt you, what remains to be done is to let go of the pain of anger and resentment. The task is to let go of the pain of guilt and shame.
You may notice that remnants of the old hurts and fears remain, despite your genuine efforts to find or give forgiveness. However, notice any pain you feel for what it is, a residue of something passed. Simply acknowledge it and get on with whatever you were doing before the memory intruded. Letting go can be as simple as that.
After there is forgiveness, some forgetting follows. A mistaken belief is that one must completely forget about the painful events for the forgiveness to be genuine and healing. You will always be able to recall what happened that led to the separation, but your memory will be less upsetting over time, and your remembrance will occur less frequently.
Often hear that we should forgive and forget. If by “forgive and forget” one means, “I choose to forgive the offender for the sake of Christ and move on with my life,” then this is a wise and godly course of action. As much as possible, we should “Forget what is behind and strain towards what is ahead,” Philippians 3:13, NIV.
In a way, the type of forgetting that takes place after forgiveness happens has similarities to the kind of forgetting that follows after the death of a loved one. There is less grief as time passes, and the memories of the person or of the death are less troublesome. Instead, pleasant memories replace the painful ones.
Forgiving fits faulty people. We are all faulty. To forgive others is fitting for us, for the mixed bag of good and bad that we all are. One man said to a preacher, “I will never forgive.” The preacher answered, “Then, I hope, sir, that you never sin.” How can we have a God honoring marriage if we do not forgive and forget?
Conclusion and invitation:
The Bible states that God does not “remember” our wickedness (Hebrews 8:12) . But God is still all-knowing. God remembers that we have “sinned and fall short of His glory” (Romans 3:23). But, having been forgiven, we are justified. If we belong to Him through faith in Christ, God does not condemn us for our sins. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” Romans 8:1, NIV. In that sense God “forgives and forgets.”
