HoHum:
A couple came to see a certain preacher -- not me. The man was particularly concerned about his wife's depression. He had tried all that he knew to help her, but nothing worked. So they came in, and the preacher couldn't do anything either. The lady was totally unresponsive. After half an hour getting nowhere at all, the preacher jumped up and pulled the woman out of her chair. He put his arm around her and kissed her. He turned to the husband and said, "That's all your wife needs about three times a week." The husband said, "Oh, I can only bring her in on Thursdays."
That man is clueless!
WBTU:
There are seminars available for the study of marriage. They'll teach communication, sexual fulfillment, how to handle finances, and what to do with in-laws. All are helpful but something is missing. Marriage is supposed to be based on love, but most ideas of love are naive. Go to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. We'll look at this passage and see if it will give us some simple clues about what's wrong in shaky marriages.
Several weeks ago talked about the different words in Greek for love. Storge- Companionship and family love. Eros is mainly sexual love. Phileo is friendship love. Also talked about agape- sacrificial love. This word describes God's love for us.
In 1 Corinthians 13, when the Bible tells us the greatest thing in the world is love, it isn't saying the greatest thing in the world is eros or phileo. It is agape love. God chose to be committed to our well-being even though our condition was abhorrent to Him, even though our reaction was negative toward Him. Agape love in the confines of marriage is a commitment on the part of each married partner to be primarily concerned for the well-being of the other -- even when one is displeasing and/or does not respond appropriately. Because that's a tall order and we fall short, there are many shaky marriages.
The Bible teaches that agape love is directly related to the work of the Holy Spirit. Galatians 4 says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love." The word used there is agape. When we talk of this unusual love -- this commitment to the well-being of the other person -- we're talking about something related to the work of the Holy Spirit in people's lives. However, we are not to assume that agape love is simply the result of the Holy Spirit working on passive people: I stand around, and the Holy Spirit loves you through me. It doesn't work like that. You will notice that the Bible also speaks of agape as a responsibility. This wonderful passage in 1 Corinthians 13 concludes with the words, "Follow the way of love." Unfortunately, whoever divided the Bible into chapters shoved that phrase into the next chapter, but after Paul talks about love, we are told to follow the way of love. The words translated "follow the way of" means to pursue relentlessly -- to target a goal and fulfill it. Agape love is the result of the Holy Spirit operating within our lives, but it is also the result of making a definite commitment to target somebody with agape love and pursue loving them relentlessly.
Turn to 1 Corinthians 13:4. Here we have a remarkable description of agape love. Read it. There is a description of the behavior of agape.
Notice the emphasis on the behaviors there. True love involves more than feelings.
Thesis: Lot here but let’s briefly go over these behaviors
For instances:
Vs. 4
A. "Love suffers long." This word can mean long-suffering or slow to anger and is often translated with the modern word patience. But let's use this phrase suffers long.
Love makes us vulnerable. That's why a lot of people dare not love. That's why a lot of people will not commit themselves. That's why a lot of people want to enjoy eros without any sense of commitment at all. They are not prepared to be vulnerable. They know that as soon as they become vulnerable, they will probably get hurt. The simple fact is this: in any loving relationship, we must be open to getting hurt. All kinds of things can go wrong.
Notice that love is prepared to suffer long. Love is so concerned with the well-being of the other person that even when that person causes suffering and pain, our suffering does not become more important than the person we love. It's at this point that a lot of marriages simply come apart: love does not suffer long. Love suffers long, enduring his absentmindedness over and over again
B. Let's move on to the second thing: "Love is kind." A generosity of spirit in marriage works wonders. Very often there's a cramped, crabby attitude in marriages. People are not generous with their praise or time or encouragement. Some men simply expect their wives to have a meal ready, sit down to eat, and never even say thank you. They're not even close to being kind or generous in attitude. Generosity of spirit comes when we begin to be concerned about the well-being of the other person. When we marry, we have all the world from which to choose. We choose one person, then we don't even care to be kind. Love is kind, helping with the housework when she’s had a hard day.
C. "Love is not jealous." Now this poses a problem. We know that God is love, and we know that God is jealous. How can Paul say that love is not jealous? There are different kinds of jealousy. There's a holy jealousy committed to protecting that which is dear. I protect Crystal. If people get after her, they don't just deal with her; they deal with me. That is holy jealousy. NIV uses envy and this more correct. Envy is more negative and destructive. There is a jealousy that goes beyond protecting and becomes possessive. That possessiveness becomes a power that dominates the other person with little interest in the other's well-being. In some marriages we’ll find one partner or the other so committed to what they expect of the other person, they won't even listen to the other person's desires. Their jealousy has become destructive possessiveness. Love is not envious of his important position at work or the praise she gets for her kindness.
D. "Love is not boastful." The language of boasting is the language of insecurity. When a married person talks constantly about "I, me, and my," it reveals an insecure person. When a married person talks about "you, yours, and ours," you've found a person with a mature concern for the well-being of the mate. The insecure person is so anxious to get approval that even in marriage, he or she will do absolutely anything to get approval -- even at the expense of the partner. Love is not boastful about getting the bigger paycheck or making few mistakes.
E. "Love is not proud." It's interesting to notice in Scripture that of all the bad things, God reserves some of His greatest criticisms for pride. He says, "Pride do I hate." Why? Pride is the essence of "meism." Pride is me shoving God off His throne and installing myself. Pride is making myself the center of the universe at God's expense. Pride spills over into marriages. Not infrequently you'll find two people who are totally committed to themselves instead of having a partnership majoring on friendship, companionship, encouragement, and concern for each other.
Love cannot be proud, because love is concerned with the other person, whereas pride is exclusively wrapped up in me. Love is not proud but admits that she may be right about what’s wrong with the car.
Vs. 5
A. "Love is not rude." Rudeness despises people. If it goes on long enough, rudeness destroys people. Remember Archie Bunker. Archie constantly called Edith a "silly cow!" That woman, as portrayed in the program, was totally beaten. I don't think he physically abused her, but she lived with constant verbal rudeness which destroyed her. Love couldn't possibly be that rude. Love speaks respectfully of him/her in private as well as in public.
B. "Love is not self-seeking." Self-seeking is totally disinterested in serving. Self-seeking talks about me. Self-seeking goes to all lengths to gain my interests and priorities at the expense of others’ interests and priorities. Self-seeking is the antithesis of an honest, loving, caring, serving attitude toward that other person.
"Love is not irritable." How do we handle the hurts that inevitably come in an intimate relationship? Supposing we open ourselves up to the other person, and we're disappointed. How do we handle that hurt? One way is to get irritable. Irritability can be mild, or it can explode in demonstrations of physical abuse. NIV uses not easily angered. Irritability, which is a violent reaction against that which has hurt us, cannot possibly be the fruit of love. If I love the person who's hurt me, I'm more likely to be concerned about why. What made the person act like that? I may even take time out to try to understand instead of trying to hurt them back.
D. "Love does not keep records of wrong." How often in marriages do we hear people getting into a fight, and they begin to bring up all the things in the past so vividly that we think, He did this to her last night. It was ten years ago, but she kept records. When things go wrong in an intimate relationship, as they inevitably do, we carefully recall and rehearse what went wrong. If we continue to rehearse in our own minds what went wrong, we will find ourselves resenting what went wrong. Resentment builds until we are concerned about revenge. Sometime we have to recognize that resenting and revenge seeking have absolutely nothing to do with what the Spirit of God wants to work in our lives: a willingness to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. Love does not keep records.
Vs. 6
A. "Love does not rejoice in evil." There is something unfortunate in each of us that has an interest in evil. We know that, because we can imagine evil in other persons. They do a perfectly innocent thing, but if we're out of sorts, we can imagine the most dreadful motivation behind that perfectly innocent thing. If we imagine bad motivation, then it's only a short step from imagining to assuming there are all kinds of bad motivations going on. Once we've imagined and assumed it, we look for it. So often, as I've talked with people in shaky marriages, I discover they are attributing evil motives to their partner without evidence. If we begin to imagine evil, assume evil, and look for evil, we're going to rejoice when we find it. Love's heart is broken when it sees evil in the partner's life.
B. In marked contrast to enjoying evil, "love rejoices in the truth." When two people are committed to truthfulness, they begin to say, "If I say it, you know I'll do it." Once there is an erosion of truthfulness, there will be an erosion of trust. It is extremely difficult to rebuild a trust. Love rejoices in the truth by facing reality and changing accordingly.
Vs. 7
A. "Love always protects." Love doesn't attack the partner. Love goes out of its way to protect the partner. Love always trusts and is prepared to give the partner the benefit of the doubt over and over again. Love protects without resorting to bitter, sarcastic criticism.
“Love always trusts” or believes all things. Nathaniel Hawthorne came home heartbroken. He was fired from his job. His wife, rather than responding with anxiety, surprised him with joy. “Now you can write your book!” Nathaniel wasn’t so positive. “And what shall we live on while I’m writing?” he asked. To his amazement she opened a drawer and revealed a wad of money she’d saved. “I always knew you were a man of genius,” she told him. “I know you will write a masterpiece.” She believed in her husband. And because she did, he wrote. And because he wrote, every library in America has a copy of The Scarlet Letter by NH.
"Love always hopes," which means that love is prepared to hope the best is true about the partner. Love always hopes by holding to the shared dreams when his job is phased out.
"Love perseveres." Love will suffer patiently and optimistically. Love always perseveres growing even stronger in adversity and stress.
Vs. 8
The net result is that "love never fails." That doesn't mean love always succeeds. What it means is that love keeps on keeping on. This is a most remarkable checklist for anybody in any relationship that's shaky, especially a shaky marriage. Do take it home. Sit down together. Work through it. Go through each of these things, and see what happens.
Conclusion and invitation:
There's a fundamental spiritual dimension here that must never be shortchanged: the dedication to go on loving and being devoted to the One who is the source of all love. Remember God is patient, God is kind...
