HoHum:
Les and Leslie Parrott- It was the best wedding reception we’ve ever attended except that it wasn’t a wedding reception. This needs some explanation. One week earlier the bride backed out. There was no catastrophe, no dark secrets revealed. She simply wanted to put off the wedding for a while to be sure she was doing the right thing. The groom agreed, reluctantly. And as they were calling the photographer, the musicians, and others to cancel the ceremony, they discovered it was too late to cancel the flowers or the orchestra. So the couple, along with the bride’s parents, made a move which may be among the craziest in all weddingdom. They had the reception anyway. Guests were notified ahead of time that the wedding was canceled, but the party wasn’t. The event was typical of any elegant wedding reception except the mother of the bride, who has a good sense of humor, ordered new napkins with the inscription, “Murphy’s Law Defied,” and the bash went off without any hitches. Some guests couldn’t contain their questioning about the mother’s message on the napkins. “Shouldn’t it say ‘Murphy’s Law Defined’?” some asked. Others found the inscription delightful, a celebration of making the best of a bad situation. The variations in opinion has to do with attitude. What some people saw as a definition of everything going wrong, others saw as a stance against it. Attitude can make a world of difference in how two people view the same thing, especially in marriage and their families. What one sees as troubling, the other may see as exciting- the only difference is attitude. Few things are more toxic to a marriage and a family as a bad attitude.
WBTU:
One wise man said, “The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude is more important than facts. Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill... {When circumstances turn for the worst,} the only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.”
Happy couples and happy families do not have a certain set of circumstances, they have a certain set of attitudes. It’s tempting to complain about our circumstances- or our spouse or family- when they aren’t what we want, but our complaining only makes matters worse. “Do everything without complaining or arguing,” Philippians 2:14, NIV. No one has ever heard a couple say, “We hit a real turning point in our relationship once we started complaining and pointing fingers at each other.” Our future as a couple, as a family, is determined, not by our complaining, but by our decision to rise above what we are tempted to complain about.
Take two couples who have the same set of circumstances in life and one couple is harmonious and happy while the other couple is full of division and difficulties. What is the difference? Attitude. If this sounds excessively optimistic, it’s because it is. Good attitudes open the double doors of marriage for optimism to do its work. Without optimism, even good couples consider their situations as hopeless and eventually give up.
Attitude determines what we are looking for, what we value. All of us have a filter through which we interpret life. We often discard and downplay those facts and experiences that do not fit our perception. Our perception, how we view any situation, is the result of our attitude. Once we have a particular mind set, we see everything and everybody in a certain way- either positively or negatively- even if our perception is inaccurate and our perception is never completely accurate. That’s why in marriage and in life, we so often find what we’re looking for.
At one time I had a block on my shoulder about marriage. Marriage is bad and so I would highlight the negative aspects of marriage. If someone would come up with some positive aspects of marriage, I would explain them away with my list of negative aspects. It’s our attitude that makes the difference. ““The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness.” Matthew 6:22, 23, NIV.
We all need to be optimists but how?
Thesis: 4 steps for turning a bad attitude into a good one
For instances:
1. Look for the positive
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” Philippians 4:8, NIV.
In relationships that seems so simple but revolutionary. This involves trying on a new mind set, one that looks for good things about others and positive solutions to problems. As we have talked about, each of us sees whatever we have prepared our mind to see. This step, look for the positive, is vital to changing a bad attitude.
According to legend, a Chinese emperor had a problem. His mulberry trees were dying. He asked his wife to find out the cause. She discovered that a small, drab colored moth was laying eggs on the leaves. The tiny eggs would hatch into little worms that, after a few days, would spin cocoons and damage the leaves. Wondering if she could destroy the little cocoons, she dropped one of them into a pot of boiling water. To her surprise, the cocoon began to slowly unwind into a silvery thread. Through the process of solving a problem, she discovered something beautiful- silk. This story illustrates the importance of attitude when we deal with our mate. The differences between us cause irritation that threaten to rob us a happy, harmonious marriage. We need to train our minds to focus on the positive qualities of our mate. Our minds need to dwell on what is honorable and lovely about our mate. One Christian man said, “My wife and I had both accepted Christ, but we were shocked to discover that we had never accepted one another.”
Whatever the negative trait we see in each other, we need to look beyond it. See if we are wearing blinders that prevent us from seeing his or her more positive qualities that balance out the negative ones. See if our mind set is making one bad quality worse than it is. Strain to look for the positive and in the process we just might find silk.
2. Refuse to be a victim
Some circumstances we feel are undeserved in our lives. Perhaps we feel powerless because we have fewer financial resources than others do. Maybe we grow up in a home that provided poor role models for marriage and family. Maybe we have been laid off from our jobs. Maybe we have a physical illness that gives us every right to feel sorry for ourselves. Whatever the situation, no matter how tough, we will gain nothing by being a victim.
Self pity is the luxury no marriage can afford. Self pity will drain all the energy from relationships. Any amount of self pity is too much. Self pity can sabotage our attitude. Paul was in prison but he refused to play the victim. He used the situation to benefit the Kingdom. He did not want people feeling sorry for him. “So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God,” 2 Timothy 1:8, NIV.
We are not victims but victors through Jesus Christ. “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37, NIV.
3. Give up grudges
“See to it that no-one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Hebrews 12:15, NIV.
Clara Barton, the founder of the American Red Cross, was known never to hold a grudge against anyone. One time a friend recounted to her a cruel accusation that someone had leveled against her some years earlier, but Clara seemed not to remember the incident. “Don’t you remember the wrong that was done to you?” the friend asked. “No,” Clara answered calmly. “I distinctly remember forgetting that.” Bitterness and resentment are the poisons of positive thinking. In our desire to build a better attitude, it is essential to follow Clara Barton’s example and give up our grudges, no matter how well justified they seem.
Maybe we feel our spouse’s lack of affection is ruining our marriage. Maybe we are holding a grudge because our spouse’s sin caused hurt and pain and embarrassment. Maybe our resentment has nothing to do with our marriage directly but stems from our childhood or home life. Whatever the cause, bitterness clogs the veins of a positive attitude, and it must be expelled to give life to good thoughts.
4. Give Yourself and Your Family Some Grace
Jesus Christ died for us so that we can be freed from trying to be perfect. God is so gracious with us. We need to extend that grace to others. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8, NIV.
The two seasons in the Canadian Northlands are winter and July. When the back roads begin to thaw in July, they becomes so muddy that vehicles going into the backwoods country leave deep ruts that become frozen when cold weather returns. For those entering this area during the winter months, a sign reads, “Driver, please choose carefully which rut you drive in, because you’ll be in it for the next 20 miles.”
Some negative attitudes are so habit forming they become like frozen ruts, and we can easily find ourselves in them 20 years down the road. We need to give each other grace because we will often fail each other. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13, NIV.
“to be made new in the attitude of your minds;” Ephesians 4:23, NIV. Invitation
