HoHum:
While attending a marriage seminar on communication... Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All Purpose, isn't it?" The rest of the story is not pleasant.
WBTU:
Talked this morning from James 1, now talking about communication from Ephesians 4.
Beginning of Ephesians 4 talks about the church and how she is set up. After this Ephesians 4:15: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” The verses on communication from Ephesians 4 can be summed up with this one phrase, “speaking the truth in love.” Expand this some and we need to THINK before we speak. T- Is this true H- Is this helpful I- Is this inspirational? N- Is this necessary? K- Is this kind? THINK
In the marriage relationship, communication is survival. This is essential. Where this is lacking, the marriage relationship deteriorates and dies. Where communication is healthy, the marriage relationship flourishes, and the two become one.
Thesis: Using Ephesians 4 let’s improve our communication
For instances:
Vs. 25- Is it true?
The word “put off” means to discard, to strip off, to cast away. God is telling us to get rid of any falsehood and to start practicing some truth telling. This verse really speaks about relationships in the church between believers. Christians are to be truth tellers, not people who lie to one another. If we are serious about being a Christ-follower, then we must be honest.
In the book, “The Day America Told the Truth,” by James Patterson, the author reports the following survey results: 91% of Americans lie routinely about matters they consider trivial; 1 out of 3 lie about important matters; 86% lie on a regular basis to their parents ; 75% lie to their friends; 7 out of 10 married people lie to their spouses
It’s not easy to tell the truth -- especially when it might hurt someone. But, if we value good relationships, and take seriously what God says, it’s essential to develop this first skill in conflict resolution. We can’t build a relationship if truth and honesty are not valued. What this means is that we will choose to do not what’s easy, but what’s right -- to be honest, to speak the truth -- even if it means going through a tunnel of chaos.
Are we a truth-teller or a peace-keeper? Given a choice, most of us would like to just keep the peace. We think that if we’re honest with people, they’ll push us away. We’d rather not tell our boss what we’re really thinking because he or she would just get angry. We’d rather not tell our spouse something because he or she will just get defensive. We’d rather not tell our teacher or parents the truth because they just wouldn’t understand.
Friends, when we submerge our true feelings to preserve harmony, we will undermine the integrity of our relationships. We might think we’re keeping the peace, but those feelings will go underground and eventually erupt. And, for those who are married, we will never have a marriage of oneness if we don’t value authenticity, honesty and truth telling even if it puts us in a bad light or causes strife. Is it true? But if we start telling the truth, then...
Vs. 26-27- Is it necessary?
Applied to a marriage relationship, this means that anger between a husband and wife must be dealt with immediately and conclusively.
Now there are some things that are not worth bringing up (Is this necessary?). However, in a marriage relationship, there are things that are necessary, that must be lovingly and boldly faced, discussed and, if possible, resolved.
It might be surprising to know that God says anger is OK -- after all, it’s an emotion that He created. When we are angry, don’t deny it. I’m often guilty of this. I used to be a bottler. I’d just bury it my feelings. To bottle anger is similar to trying to bury toxic waste. It will eventually leak out, poisoning myself and others. Bottled anger always leaks. Anger turned inward seeps out internally and can lead to depression. Others deal with anger in different ways.
The best way to handle anger is to be an expresser. When they’re angry, they express it -- appropriately. Friends, there is good anger and there’s a type of anger that leads to sin. God wants us to be expressers.
How do we express anger appropriately? God gives us the answer in the second half of verse 26: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” What the Bible is teaching here is that we need to deal with anger in a timely fashion. Don’t let it simmer or fester. If anger is not expressed appropriately, it will wipe out relationships like a raging tidal wave.
There’s much wisdom in what God says here. I like what Phyllis Diller once said: “Why go to bed mad when you can stay up and fight!”
Some of us have been giving the devil a foothold in our marriage by not dealing with our anger. We might be like the husband who said, “My wife is not talking to me today and I’m in no mood to interrupt her.” If we carry anger over, we will give the devil an opportunity to do some bad stuff and bitterness will rise up like bile in our lives.
This principle has application to all relationships. If we’re angry with someone, we need to take the necessary steps to deal with our anger. Relationships are hard enough on their own - they take a lot of work. Don’t give the devil an opportunity to drive a wedge in the relationship.
Vs. 28 talks indirectly about money. Since money is the #1 reason that married couples fight, I want to challenge us to get some help in this area. We need to talk about it.
Vs. 29- Is it helpful? Is it inspiring?
Beginning of verse in Amplified version says this, “Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word, nor unwholesome or worthless talk ever come out of your mouth”- This is not inspiring
Is it helpful? This kind of communication has 3 characteristics
It is constructive (building others up)
It is tailor made for those who hear it (according to their needs)
It imparts grace (benefits those who listen). Grace is a gift we do not deserve.
THE STORY IS TOLD OF A YOUNG LADY WHO WAS EAGERLY AWAITING THE ARRIVAL OF a boy FOR THEIR FIRST DATE TOGETHER. ALTHOUGH HE WASN’T DUE TO ARRIVE FOR SOME TIME THE DOORBELL RANG WHILE SHE WAS STILL FIXING HER HAIR. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE ANSWERED THE DOOR WITH HER HAIR STANDING ON END, NO MAKEUP, AND WEARING HER PAJAMAS. WHEN SHE OPENED THE DOOR SHE FOUND HERSELF STANDING FACE TO FACE WITH HER DATE. THE SURPRISE LEFT HER UTTERLY EMBARRASSED, BUT NOT DEFEATED. SHE MADE THE BEST OF THE SITUATION BY SMILING AND SAYING, “WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?” HER DATE GRINNED AND SAID, “IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!” HE STOLE HER HEART THAT MOMENT.
Vs. 31-32- Is it kind?
Vs. 31- BITTERNESS, VIOLENT OUTBURSTS OF ANGER, AND BAD TALKING WITH EVIL INTENT SHOULDN'T EVEN BE A PART OF A CHRISTIAN'S LIFE! This is true but how? In the words of Paul, we must not only put off certain things, we must also put on certain things vs. 22-24. True, we must stop reacting in an improper way, but we also must begin acting in a biblical way. We must replace sinful practices with holy, righteous practices. Must go back to salvation and our relationship with Jesus Christ and the HS living in us vs. 32- forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Need to go back to God’s forgiveness of our sins and then we can forgive the sins of others like our spouse.
We need to remember that the goal is not to see who wins -- but to be reconciled. And, to put down our weapons, it’s important to learn the skill of forgiving and forgetting.
In any relationship, there will be conflict. Sometimes it’s handled well, other times it isn’t. If we don’t develop the ability to forgive, we will not have a good marriage, and we won’t experience growing friendships with others.
The best way to learn this skill is to experience firsthand the forgiveness that comes from our salvation in Jesus Christ. Once we taste the freedom that comes from having our sins forgiven, it will be easier for us to extend that same type of forgiveness to our spouse, our friends, our family members, and our co-workers.
When we forgive we will naturally extend kindness to others through our words and actions.
It is not hard for a wife to be open and honest with a husband who THINKs before he speaks. It is not hard for a woman to communicate freely with her husband when she knows that he will bear with her and make allowances for her rather than condemn and demean her.
Likewise, the wife who makes it a practice to use only kind speech as is good and beneficial and fitting to the need and occasion, the wife who readily and freely forgives and seeks to be helpful and kind to her husband will make it easy for her husband to open up and share his life with her. In such a non threatening, understanding atmosphere the husband has no reason for pretense or putting on a false front or practicing deceit or hiding his fears, frustrations, faults, and anxieties. He knows his wife is for him and will help him rather than judge and condemn him.
This all begins and ends with a saving relationship with Jesus Christ. Invitation
