HoHum:
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
WBTU:
The most important earthly relationship we have is our marriage covenant. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24, NIV. Can two people become one flesh without a good communication system? Hardly! A married couple’s experience of genuine oneness will be determined by the health of their communication system. Apart from their conversation with God, nothing is more important to the development of genuine oneness than effective communication and conversation between husband and wife. Going to focus my comments for marriage and the family but everyone needs to get something out of this. Any relationship is dependent upon communication. Communication is the basic skill needed to establish and maintain sound relationships.
Thesis: Using James 1:19-20 lets improve our communication
For instances:
Wayne Mack says, “Good communication is a two way street involving free, open conversation and careful, attentive listening.”
Let’s start with careful, attentive listening “quick to listen, slow to speak”
In most marriage relationships, one person is talkative and the other is quiet. The struggle for the talker is to stop talking and listen to the other person. The struggle for the quiet one is to open up and talk. Communication is a two way street. Conversation involves both the sending and receiving of a message. Without both, communication is impossible. These instructions in James are for the more talkative but need to be applied by everyone.
“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5, NIV. Every individual has something to share, but some people have difficulty sharing those insights. They have water, but it seems to be so deep within them that it cannot be reached. How do we prime their pump? We will never get the water out as long as we talk on and on. We will get it out when we are willing to stop talking and start listening. Many quiet people will suddenly become great talkers when they feel like others are interested in what they have to say. Good listening is to communication what a magnet is to iron or a siphon is to a gas tank. This has drawing power. This gets the conversation flowing.
Practical things about good listening:
1. Good listening involves letting the other person speak without interruption. “He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame.” Proverbs 18:13, NIV. Many husbands and wives ought to be ashamed, for they constantly interrupt one another when they are talking. When one is interrupted consistently, effective communication grinds to a standstill.
2. Good listening involves giving the other person our undivided attention. “Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!”” Acts 3:4, NIV. Whenever possible we should stop whatever we are doing and concentrate on what the other person is saying. Another aspect involved in giving the other person our full attention is guarding against the temptation to tune the other person out either because we do not want to hear what they are saying or because we are thinking of a good response when they stop talking. When we are only interested in defending ourselves, or wanting to crack a joke, or straighten the other person out, they sense this and this will shut down productive communication.
3. Good listening is making sure that we understand what the other person is saying or thinking. People often heard the words of Jesus and thought that He meant something that He never meant. Jesus Christ is history’s best communicator. Yet people misunderstood Him and misquoted Him. Let that be a warning to us as we listen to others. What we think they mean and what they do mean may be two different things. Fairness demands that before we put the worst possible interpretation on what someone says, we ought to do some checking. Perhaps if we do not like what someone has said, we need to think that we have misinterpreted him/her. Essential to the whole communication process is the necessity to try to see things from the other person’s point of view. To see things from the other person’s perspective requires repeating what he/she has said back to them until everyone is satisfied that we do understand. Or this may involve asking him/her kindly to say this in a different, exaggerated or expanded way until we are sure that we understand.
For those who are talkers, the Lord gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. We should listen twice as much as we speak.
Good conversation involves free, open conversation “slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”
Openness and honesty of communication are essential. If we are going to know one another, we must open up and reveal ourselves to each other. “For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him?” 1 Corinthians 2:11, NIV. Unable to know my wife; she cannot know me, unless we are open and honest with one another. Many times people hold back, refuse to open up and allow themselves to be known. Might even do this for good reasons- avoid being hurt by another person, this person might get angry and reject me. In a marriage relationship, when things are left unaddressed, little things pile up until a barrier forms between the couple. Little things become big things.
From James 1:19-20 we find that self control is a requirement for good communication. Having a short fuse is a serious matter. Living with someone who has a “short fuse” is an unpleasant experience. Who enjoys living at the foot of an active volcano? Who enjoys having hot lava poured out over them on a regular basis? Who enjoys living on top of a time bomb that can go off any moment? Who enjoys being the object of frequent expressions of bitterness, resentment, anger, and wrath? Who wants to be screamed at? Who feels free to communicate openly with someone who easily becomes irritated and touchy and hostile?
Because of a lack of self control, many a wound has been inflicted, many a painful blow has been struck, many a marriage has been poisoned or sabotaged. “My mate is not talking to me.” Maybe they have a good reason. Through the power of HS, this can be brought under control. ““In your anger do not sin”” Ephesians 4:26, NIV. This unholy anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. This hurts our marriages.
Two other forms of self control that need to be discussed under open, honest communication:
1. Some people are tempted to retreat into silence or go off and have a good pout.
The silent treatment benefits no one. One woman prided herself on the fact that she had never yelled at her husband. Neither had she ever disagreed with him. When conflict arose, she would become silent. When her husband became increasingly cool toward her with less and less to say, she failed to understand why. She had always been such a godly submissive wife. What this woman failed to realize is that her husband wants a partner for a wife. He wanted a companion, a helper, someone to whom he could talk; someone to stimulate and quietly challenge and clarify his thinking by presenting another point of view. But instead she remains silent.
Not saying that a woman needs to be obnoxious. Bible says of the Proverbs 31 woman, “She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”
2. Manipulative tears
Some resort to tears and tears are fine many times. Tears are a natural response to hard situations. However, for some, tears end good communication and over time this can be manipulative. Need to ask HS to help in this situation and fight through the tears.
Conclusion and invitation:
In the marriage relationship, communication is survival. This is essential. Where this is lacking, the marriage relationship deteriorates and dies. Where communication is healthy, the marriage relationship flourishes, and the two become one.
In the context of James 1 we find that an application of this is communication between people. In the larger context, however, this is talking about communication with the Lord. Are we listening to the Lord? Vs. 18 talks about being born again through the Word of truth. Vs. 21 talks about accepting the Word that can save us. Vs. 22 mentions listening to the Word and doing what it says. Are we listening to the Word? What is the Word saying to us? For those outside of Christ he is telling you to believe, confess, repent and be baptized.
