Gayle Urban of Woodbridge, Virginia, was browsing in a Christian bookstore where she discovered a shelf of reduced priced items. Among the gifts was a little figurine of a man and woman, their heads lovingly tilted toward one another. “Happy 10th Anniversary” read the inscription. It appeared to be in perfect condition, yet its tag indicated “damaged.” Examining it more closely, Gayle found another tag underneath and chuckled – “Wife is coming unglued.” Gayle Urban, Woodbridge, Va., Christian Reader, “Lite Fare”)
Sad to say, that happens too often in marriage. The husband and the wife become unglued, and the peace is gone.
When God performed the first wedding ceremony, He looked upon the union of that first couple and called it “very good!” Adam and Eve lived in perfect harmony with one another. They did not fight over who was in charge and who was going to get their way each time. They simply loved and respected each other. They delighted in each other, and they made their decisions together, each with the desire to please the other.
Then sin entered the picture. A power struggle began to taint every marriage with the husband trying to lord it over his wife and the wife trying to manipulate and control her husband. Perfect harmony was lost, and married couples have been struggling with discord ever since.
The question is: How can we restore harmony to the home? How can we bring back real peace in the marriage relationship? How can we learn to truly enjoy our mates without concern about who’s in charge? Well, if you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Ephesians 5, Ephesians 5, where the Bible tells us how we can have harmony in the home.
Ephesians 5:21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. (ESV)
If we want harmony in the home, then we must learn to…
SUBMIT TO ONE ANOTHER.
The husband and the wife both must show deference to each other. They must put each other first. Literally, they must both rank themselves under the other. The word, “submit,” is primarily a military term, which means “to rank under” (VINES).
When the wife looks to her husband as her captain, AND when the husband looks to his wife as his captain, then there is harmony in the home. We’re talking about a MUTUAL submission here, incumbent upon BOTH the husband and the wife. EACH is to put the interests of the other above his or her own interests. That’s what brings them together.
Think about it as two triangles. The biblical teaching on submission is not so much an authoritarian hierarchy with one triangle above the other. Nor is it a feminist egalitarianism with one triangle beside the other. Instead, by asking the wife to submit and the husband to sacrifice, biblical submission looks like this: two triangles together (forming a Star of David).
Kevin Miller says, “Biblical submission is harder to understand than the world's alternatives of authoritarian hierarchy or feminist egalitarianism; it's mysterious, but beautiful, and it moves people closer together.” (Kevin A. Miller, Carol Stream, Illinois)
You see, it’s not a matter of who’s in control, because for the Christian couple, the Lord is in control. This mutual submission is a result of being filled (or controlled) by the Holy Spirit (vs.18). Then when God is in control, the husband and wife become a team, each looking out for the other in submission to Christ.
Several years ago, after Philip Yancey and his wife celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary in 1999, he reflected on their experience as a couple.
“Before marriage,” he said, “each by instinct strives to be what the other wants. The young woman desires to look sexy, and takes up an interest in sports. The young man notices plants and flowers, and works at asking questions instead of just answering monosyllabically. After marriage, the process slows and somewhat reverses. Each insists on his or her rights. Each resists bending to the other's will.
“After years, though,” Yancey says, “the process may subtly begin to reverse again. I sense a new willingness to bend back toward what the other wants – maturely, this time, not out of a desire to catch a mate but out of a desire to please [someone] who has shared a quarter-century of life.” (Philip Yancey, “A 25-Year Hike,” Marriage Partnership, Winter 1999, p.68)
That’s what happens to a Christian couple where the husband and the wife both continually allow themselves to be influenced (or “filled”) by the Holy Spirit. They begin to bend their wills towards what the other wants. They submit to one another, and that’s what it takes to restore harmony in the home. The husband and wife BOTH must submit to one another. Specifically, ladies, you must…
RESPECT YOUR HUSBAND.
You must look up to him as your leader. You must follow him as you follow Christ.
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (ESV)
That means not only when he remembers your birthday or anniversary, but also when he forgets. This is a commitment to show him unconditional respect all of the time.
Rhonda Mony, of Lake Elsinore, California, talks about an evening when her husband, Mark, and their preschooler, Krystal, were on the couch chatting. Krystal asked very sweetly, “Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?”
To which Mark proudly replied, “Yes, I'm the boss of the house.”
But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when she added, “Cause Mommy put you in charge, huh, Daddy?” (Rhonda Mony, Lake Elsinore, California, “Kids of the Kingdom,” Christian Reader; www.PreachingToday.com)
We laugh at that, but that’s the sentiment of these verses. You see, submission is NOT passive; it is active. Submission is not something done TO the wife. It is something done BY the wife TO her husband. It is something the wife chooses to do of her own volition.
Men, this passage does NOT say, “MAKE your wives submit.” In fact, if you go home this afternoon and say to your wife, “Did you hear the preacher? The Bible says you must submit to me. Now, you do what I tell you or else.” If you go home and do that, if you go home and insist that your wife submit to you, then you are violating what God is about to say to you about sacrificing yourself for your wife.
Men, these verses (vs. 22-24) are not for you; they’re for your wife. They are not telling YOU what YOU must do to your wife. They are telling HER what SHE must do to restore harmony to the home.
Specifically, she must put her husband in charge deliberately and voluntarily, as an act of her own will, because submission is not passive; it is active.
More than that, submission is not without fulfillment. In fact, ladies, if you choose to submit as an active act of your own will, you can find life extremely fulfilling.
Several years ago, Ruth Bell Graham talked about her relationship with Billy Graham as part of an article in Decision magazine. In that article, she said, “When we dated, we had our ups and downs. I had always thought I should go to Tibet as a missionary, and one day Bill said to me, ‘Ruth, do you think God led us together?’
“I had to admit that I was convinced he had. Then Bill said, ‘Well, then, I'll do the leading, and you do the following.’ I've been doing the following ever since.” (“A Conversation with Ruth Bell Graham,” Decision, May 2002, p. 15)
Ruth followed her husband and look where God took them! Through submission to her husband, God fulfilled Ruth’s desire to reach the world in a way she never could have dreamed possible.
Submission is not without fulfillment. Submission is not passive. So ladies, if you want to restore harmony to your home, choose to respect your husband as an act of your own will “in everything.”
Gentlemen, now it’s your turn. The following verses are for you. Look at them.
Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (ESV)
Christ gave himself up for the church, so she could become a beautiful and radiant bride for Him. Men, if you want a beautiful wife in every way, if you want to restore harmony in your own home, then…
LOVE YOUR WIFE like Christ loved the church.
Put her needs above your own needs, and give yourself sacrificially to help her be all that God created her to be.
You see, love NEVER demands its rights. In fact, it ALWAYS sacrifices its rights like Christ did for us. Philippians 2 says, Christ had the right to be respected as God, but He gave up that right, even allowing His creation to crucify Him, so He could be in relationship with us.
Men, if you want harmony in your home, then you too must give up your right to be respected. Stop demanding respect, and love your wife sacrificially, like Christ loved us. Love your wife unconditionally, whether she respects you or not. Remember, Christ loved us from an old rugged cross that WE put Him on. It was the highest disrespect we could show Him, and yet Christ still reached out to us in love.
The little book, Chicken Soup for the Soul, contains a story about Felix Mendelssohn's grandfather, Moses Mendelssohn. He was a short man with a hunched back, and when he fell in love with a young lady named Frumtje, she was repulsed by his appearance.
It took Moses a long time to get the courage to talk to her, but when he finally did, he asked Frumtje, “Do you believe marriages are made in heaven?”
When she said yes, Moses said, “In heaven at the birth of each boy, the Lord announces which girl he will marry. When I was born, my future bride was pointed out to me. Then the Lord said, ‘But your wife will be humpbacked.’ Right then and there I called out, ‘Oh Lord, a humpbacked woman would be a tragedy. Please, Lord, give me the hump and let her be beautiful.’”
Frumtje reached out and gave Mendelssohn her hand, and later became his devoted wife. (Adapted from Barry and Joyce Vissell, in Chicken Soup for the Soul)
There is nothing that will earn your wife’s respect more than the sacrifices you make for her. You don’t have to be a stud muffin with six-pack abs and rippling muscles. All you have to do is put her first in your life. Make the little sacrifices that tell her, “I really do love you.”
In His book, The Discipline of Grace, Jerry Bridges talks about the time he and his wife went shopping for a coffee table. They had agreed on a style they wanted and very quickly found one at a price within their range.
Here’s what Jerry Bridges wrote: “I'm the type of person who's ready to buy as soon as I find what I like, but my wife's a ‘shopper.’ She likes to look at everything in the store. Sure enough, she soon came upon her ‘dream’ coffee table, a rather uncommon design that she'd dreamed about for years but never thought she'd own. But, as you might guess—and as is always the case—it was more expensive.”
Bridges says, “I started talking about being good stewards of the money God has given us, but God started ‘talking’ to me (through the convicting work of his Spirit) about husbands loving their wives, just as Christ loved the Church.
“As I worked through that situation,” Bridges wrote, “I realized that one of the concrete ways I was to love my wife was to be more sensitive to her dreams and desires. I sensed that in that particular situation God was more desirous that I learn about what it means for husbands to love their wives than he was that I excel in being a good steward of his resources. (Jerry Bridges, The Discipline of Grace, NavPress, 1994) You see…
Sacrifice doesn’t always mean giving up your life all at once. Most of the time, it means giving up your life in bits and pieces. It often means giving up what you want to do today so your wife can fulfill her dreams and desires. Men, if you want to restore harmony in your home, then love your wife sacrificially.
But more than that, love your wife sentimentally, as well. Take care of your wife like you take care of your own body.
Ephesians 5:28-32 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (ESV)
Christ again is our example. As believers, we are members of His body, the church, and Christ is very careful to take care of His body.
In the same way, a husband and wife is “one flesh.” In essence, men, your wife is “your body,” like the church is Christ’s body. And to love your wife is to love your body.
You remember the old saying: “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Well, it’s very true! When you make your wife happy, you’re happy too! When you take care of your wife, you take care of yourself.
A few years ago, the Reuters news service reported the results of a 12-year study of British civil servants, most of whom were married. In the study, English researchers concluded that those with hostile intimate relationships were 34 percent more likely to experience chest pains, heart attacks, and other heart trouble.
Even after typical contributing factors such as obesity, smoking, and drinking were eliminated from the equation, those in troubled relationships were still at 23 percent greater risk for a heart attack. (A Bad Relationship Can Cause Heart Attack: Study, Reuters, ABCNews.com, October 8, 2007)
That’s very interesting. When a man takes care of his wife, he is actually much healthier. The bible is true: He who loves His wife loves Himself (vs.28).
We need to nourish our wives like we nourish our own bodies, and we need to cherish them, as well, verse 29 says. That word, “cherish,” literally means “keep warm,” and it speaks of the romantic aspects of a relationship.
Men, our wives want and crave romance, just as much as we want and crave respect. So when you take the time to keep her warm emotionally, to romance her, she can’t help but respect you more.
Guys, we don’t gain respect by demanding it. We gain respect by putting it aside to cherish the ones we love. Men, do you want to restore harmony to your home? Then don’t try to fix your wife or make her submit. Just “cherish” her. Just keep her warm.
Scott Bolinder described what this looks like when he talked about his parents in the Marriage Partnership magazine. He said, “When my mother, the obvious sensitive one, would disintegrate into tears for whatever reason, my father would simply hold her and let her be. In a less obvious way, I learned that sensitivity could mean responding with a strong, silent, perhaps even bewildered embrace.” (Scott Bolinder, Marriage Partnership, Vol. 5, no.1; www.PreachingToday.com)
Men, that’s all you need to do when your wife is falling apart emotionally and you can’t figure her out. Just hold her. Just love her. Don’t move away from her. Move in close and let her know you care.
I like the way Roger Thompson put it when he talked about “Becoming a Man.” He said, “A man's emotional world is like a tackle box. It has 500 little compartments in it with all kinds of little nifty lures and hooks and old junk that's been saved and new things that nobody knows about. And he's got all these strategies. And he goes from one compartment to the next, to the next, to the next. Most of the men I know, including myself, can jump from one little compartment to the next a hundred times in a day, and our jobs often demand that of us. So we think it's neat to live in all these little compartments.
“But a wife's emotional structure is totally different. It's more like a river. And the river flows, and it flows and it flows. And what we need to learn how to do, men, is close the tackle box with all its neat little stuff, stuff that will probably never really be appreciated by our wives, close it up, take off the waders, and get into the river.” (Roger Thompson, “Becoming a Man,” Preaching Today, Tape No.140; www.PreacingToday.com)
In other words, just love your wife without trying to figure her out or fix her; just jump into the water with her, even if it feels like you’re going to drown. Then hold her and never let her go. Let me tell you: no woman, not even your wife, can resist that kind of love.
Do you want to restore harmony in your home? Then submit to one another. That means, ladies, choose to respect your husband in everything whether he loves you or not. That means, men, choose to love your wife sacrificially and sentimentally whether she respects you or not. Verse 33 says it all.
Ephesians 5:33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (ESV)
That’s the way to restore harmony to YOUR home.
