An executive was plagued by a strange disease that caused splitting headaches and ringing in his ears. He first went to an ear, nose and throat specialist who corrected his deviated septum, but the condition grew worse. He consulted an ophthalmologist who performed delicate optic nerve surgery. Later, a dentist did a root canal, but still the man had no relief. He finally sought a world-famous brain surgeon who said the only other case he’d seen like that had been fatal within a year.
The man was despondent. He decided to quit his high-paying job and spend his retirement money on whatever he wanted. He had always longed to indulge himself with custom-made shirts and suits, so the first thing he did was find a top-rated tailor. As the tailor was measuring him for shirts, he called out the numbers to an assistant. “Sleeve: 35 inches. Neck: 16½ inches.”
“Oh no!” said the executive. “I’ve always worn a 15-inch collar. You’d better check again.”
The tailor did and again measured 16½ inches.
The executive responded, “But I insist you make it 15 inches, because that’s what I’ve always worn.”
“Okay,” said the tailor, “but don’t blame me if you get splitting headaches and ringing in your ears!” (Sandra Wilson, Released from Shame)
Sometimes, we look for the cure in elaborate and expensive treatments when all we have to do is change our clothes.
That’s the way it is with the church, the body of Christ. The church in America is sick with at least 80% of our churches in decline or not growing at all. Well, the cure is not some elaborate and expensive program. NO! The cure may be something as simple as changing our clothes, our spiritual clothes (so to speak).
Ephesians 4 describes a healthy, growing church, building itself up in love when each member does his or her work. The problem is many of those church members have retained some old habits which hinder the development of strong relationships for a strong church. Like putting on an old comfortable shirt, they keep doing what they have always done and wonder why nothing changes.
So what are we to do to build strong relationships for a strong and growing church? Well, if you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Ephesians 4, Ephesians 4, where God shows us what to do, and you’ll see it’s as simple as changing an old, comfortable shirt for a new one.
Ephesians 4:17-19 Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. (ESV)
If we’re going to build a strong, healthy church, then we must stop doing what we used to do as unbelievers. We can no longer live selfish and greedy lives “giving ourselves up to sensuality” (vs.19). We can no longer be willfully “ignorant” of the things of God (vs.18), and we can no longer behave in the “futility of our minds,” pursuing worthless and empty goals (vs.17). No! If we want to build strong relationships for a strong church, then we must put off those old habits like we would take off a dirty, smelly shirt.
After mowing the lawn, I come into the house dirty, sweaty and smelly. Do you think Sandy (my wife) wants a big hug and a kiss at that time? No! I have to take off the smelly, dirty clothes and take a shower before she’ll let me get close!
That’s the way it is in most of our relationships. Sometimes our old, dirty habits get in the way. They keep us from getting close to people. But if we want good, strong relationships, then we must take off the old habits. We must shed our old attitudes and actions like dirty clothes, and we must put on new habits. We must clothe ourselves with new attitudes and actions.
Ephesians 4:20 But that is not the way you learned Christ! (ESV)
Not learned ABOUT Christ, but learned CHRIST! If you are a believer, you have Christ dwelling within. His character permeates every fiber of your being. You have learned Christ internally!
Ephesians 4:21 assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus… (ESV)
I.e., assuming that you have heard and responded to the Gospel, that you have put your faith in Christ who died for you and rose again. Assuming that you have done that, you have learned Christ, which teaches you…
Ephesians 4:22-24 …to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. (ESV)
Christ within teaches us to put off the old habits without and to replace them with new habits. Literally, He teaches us to put off the “old man” (vs.22) and to put on the “new man” (vs.24). It’s the same terminology used in Ephesians 2:15, where it says Christ tore down the dividing wall of hostility, so former enemies could come together as “one new man.”
Christ wnts us to live in peace with one another, and He did all the work to make it possible. Now, all we have to do live it out. All we have to do is adopt those habits that reflect the peace that He has already put within. It’s a choice we make every day to live out the unity that is already ours in Christ.
The syndicated columnist, Sydney Harris, once told the story of accompanying his friend to a newspaper stand. His friend greeted the newsman very courteously, but in return received gruff and discourteous service. The newspaper was rudely shoved in his face, but Harris’ friend accepted it with a smile, wishing the newsman a nice weekend.
As the two walked down the street, Harris asked his friend, “Does he always treat you so rudely?”
Harris’ friend replied, “Yes, unfortunately he does.”
“And are you always so polite and friendly to him?” Harris asked.
“Yes I am,” his friend replied.
Then Harris asked him, “Why are you so nice to him when he is so rude to you?”
“Because,” Harris’ friend answered, “I don’t want HIM to decide how I’M going to act.” (John Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am, pp.38-39)
We, as believers in Christ, don’t need to let others decide how we’re going to act. We can choose to respond to people in a Christ-like way, even when they are rude, because we have Christ Himself living within.
How will you respond today? How will I respond? If we want to build strong relationships for a strong church, then we must choose to respond differently than the way we used to respond before we knew Christ. We must choose to change our dirty, old attitudes and actions. We must choose to…
REPLACE OLD HABITS WITH NEW.
Specifically, we must…
REPLACE LYING WITH THE TRUTH.
Exchange dishonesty for honesty. Get rid of any kind of deceit and put integrity in its place.
Ephesians 4:25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. (ESV)
Good relationships are built on trust, and trust is built on truth. We cannot get close when the smelly clothes of deceit get in the way. So more than anything else, we must choose to be honest with each other.
Madison Sarratt, who died in 1978, was dean of men at Vanderbilt University and a teacher in the mathematics department. When he gave an exam, he would tell his class:
“Today I am going to give you two examinations, one in trigonometry and one in honesty. I hope you will pass them both, but if you must fail one, let it be trigonometry, for there are many good [people] in this world today who cannot pass an examination in trigonometry, but there are no good [people] in the world who cannot pass an examination in honesty.”
20 and 30 years later, his students still spoke of the effect those words have had on their adult lives. (Gaynelle Doll, "The Nature of Virtue," Vanderbilt Today, Vol. 37, no. 1, Summer/Fall 1999, p. 4; www.PreachingToday.com)
My dear friends, always pass the examination in honesty. If we’re going to build strong relationships for a strong church, 1st, replace lying with the truth. 2nd…
REPLACE ANGER WITH PEACE.
Exchange your resentment for reconciliation. Trade in your frustrations for the resolution of conflict.
Ephesians 4:26-27 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. (ESV)
We’re all going to get angry from time to time. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as we don’t hang onto that anger. If we do, then we give the devil an opportunity to wreck havoc in our relationships. Please, don’t do it! Let go of the anger before sundown. Take the energy your anger brings and channel it towards solving the problem; channel it towards resolving the conflict as soon as you can.
On June 1, 2005, Percy Arrowsmith, 105-years-old, and his 100-year-old wife Florence celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary. Percy died two weeks later. They had met at their church in Hereford, England. He sang in the choir, and she was a Sunday school teacher.
According to the Guinness World Record authorities, the couple held the record for the longest marriage, as well as the oldest aggregate age of a married couple.
The Arrowsmiths claimed the key to their long marriage was not to go to sleep on an argument. They said they always kissed each other and held hands each night before going to bed. (“Couple Mark 80th Anniversary,” The San Antonio Express-News, 6-2-05)
Now, they may have had a lot of very late nights before they were able to kiss and make up, but they knew the secret to a strong relationship.
My friends, if we want to build strong relationships for a strong church, then 1st of all, replace lying with the truth; 2nd, replace anger with peace; and 3rd…
REPLACE STEALING WITH SHARING.
Exchange getting for giving. Stop taking from your relationships and start contributing to them.
Ephesians 4:28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. (ESV)
So often we move into relationships expecting to GET something out of them. That’s destructive to relationships. This verse says work hard to GIVE to the relationship, not take from it.
In 1949, a Catholic priest known as Abbe Pierre, started the Emmaus Communities, now a ministry to homeless men and women across Europe. This unique ministry restores the dignity of homeless men and women, also called ministry "companions," by asking them to serve others.
It all started with Abbe Pierre's first companion in ministry, a homeless man named Georges. After Georges' release from prison, his family couldn't cope with his reappearance, so they told him to leave. Homeless, unemployed, and on the verge of suicide, Georges came to Pierre and asked for help. Much to Georges' surprise, Father Pierre asked Georges to help him instead. Father Pierre told Georges that he was overwhelmed with meeting the needs of homeless mothers and their children. So Pierre challenged Georges to turn his life around by serving the less fortunate.
Georges became the first "companion" for Emmaus, helping Father Pierre build shelters for the homeless mothers and their children. In the ensuing years, like Georges, every companion was invited to serve others as they received help. Initially, all the companions collected second-hand goods and prepared them for resale, thus earning the name "the rag pickers." Later in his life, Georges said, "Whatever else [Abbe Pierre] might have given me—money, home, somewhere to work—I'd have still tried to kill myself. What I was missing, and what he offered, was something to live for." These sentiments became the unofficial motto for Emmaus—give the poor a reason to live, not just things to live on.
In her book, The Gift of Thanks, Margaret Visser notes that this ministry restores dignity and breathes new life into the poor because "members [of the Emmaus community] turn to those who have nothing [the homeless]—and ask them to give." (Margaret Visser, The Gift of Thanks, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2009, p. 373; www.PreachingToday.com)
Do you want to “breathe new life” into your relationships? Then GIVE to those relationships; don’t take from them. It will work in your marriage. It will work in your friendships. It will work in all your relationships at church, at work, and in the community.
But you say, “Phil, I have needs that have to be met in my relationships. I need love, or I need respect from people.” No you don’t. The Bible says, “God has already blessed us with every spiritual blessing in Christ!” We have everything we need. So we don’t have to TAKE from our relationships. Now we can GIVE to our relationships, out of the overflow of the blessing of God in our lives.
If we want to build strong relationships for a strong church, then 1st of all, replace lying with the truth; 2nd, replace anger with peace; 3rd, replace stealing with sharing; and 4th…
REPLACE HURTFUL WORDS WITH HELPFUL WORDS.
Exchange destructive speech for constructive speech. Seek to build one another up with our words, not tear each other down.
Ephesians 4:29-30 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (ESV)
You see, when our words hurt another believer, we also grieve the Spirit of God.
I like the way one pastor dealt with destructive words in his congregation. He had two gossipy sisters in his church. One day, they saw his car parked in front of the liquor store and began spreading word of their minister's “drinking problem.”
When he learned who was spreading the rumor, he parked his car in front of the sisters' house and left it there overnight. (John Killinger, “Pastoring Is Political,” Leadership, Spring 2006)
When we talk ABOUT people, that’s gossip, and it has a way of boomeranging right back at us. But when we talk TO people, building them up according to their need, then it truly does benefit not only those we talk to, but the entire relationship, as well.
If we want to build strong relationships for a strong church, then 1st of all, replace lying with the truth; 2nd, replace anger with peace; 3rd, replace stealing with sharing; 4th, replace hurtful words with helpful ones; and finally…
REPLACE BITTERNESS WITH FORGIVENESS.
Exchange any seething rage with a soothing kindness. Demonstrate grace, not wrath, even to those who have hurt us.
Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (ESV)
The Greek word for forgive here literally means to “give grace” to someone, i.e., to give people what they don’t deserve. You see, forgiveness is giving people helpful words when they deserve angry words. Forgiveness is giving people kindness when they deserve harshness. Forgiveness is giving people compassion when they deserve our wrath. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an act of the will whereby we choose to return good for evil.
That’s how Christ forgave us. He gave us heaven when we deserved hell. He gave us acceptance when we deserved rejection. He gave us love when we deserved His wrath.
Some time ago, NPR ran a moving story about a father and son that aired on the hit radio show “This American Life.” The episode titled “Know When to Fold 'Em” focused on David Dickerson's return to the Christian home he had not visited since he left for college ten years earlier. As a hostile 28-year-old, Dickerson wanted to undermine his father's "repressive" faith. On the show David said,
“I had all this ammunition, and I couldn't wait to use it… My dad didn't know this, but I was at war with him. I was at war with all Christians, and I was just waiting for an excuse to have a shot.”
So when his father innocently mentioned some mission work he'd been praying about, David unleashed his fury. He assaulted his dad’s dream, accusing him of being foolish and morally corrupt. And David’s dad just quietly let David do his thing without arguing or retreating.
Then after David had expended every round of ammunition, his dad said, “David, I'm really proud of everything you've done.” David concluded the show by saying,
“And I remember looking at my dad, and I thought – I had sort of expected to argue… You know, not to win, but to come to some kind of armistice. You know, some kind of truce… I hadn't expected to lose completely, because you can't argue with decency. You can't argue with goodness.” (Adapted from Ethan Richardson, This American Gospel, Mockingbird, 2012, pp. 63-71; www.PreachingToday.com)
That’s so very true! When we return grace for hate, relationships are healed. When we give kindness to those who deserve harshness, we do what no Ph.D. psychologist can do for a relationship. And even if the offender never responds, we at least set ourselves free to live and love people like Christ loved us.
My friends, if you want to build strong relationships for a strong church then replace old habits with new. Replace lying with the truth. Replace anger with peace. Replace stealing with sharing. Replace hurtful words with helpful ones. And replace bitterness with forgiveness.
From his hospital bed on the eve of open heart surgery, Pastor Bruce McIver asked his cardiologist, Dr. Dudley Johnson, “Can you fix my heart?”
The physician, known for being short and to the point, said, “Sure.” Then he quickly turned and walked away.
Following the 12-hour surgery, McIver asked Johnson, “In light of the blocked arteries that I had when I checked into the hospital, how much blood supply do I now have?”
“All you'll ever need,” replied the terse surgeon, who again ended the conversation by walking away.
Upon his discharge from the hospital, McIver's wife, Lawanna, asked the doctor, “What about my husband's future quality of life?”
Johnson paused and then said, “I fixed his heart; the quality of his life is up to him.” (Bruce McIver, “Stories I Couldn't Tell While I Was a Pastor,” Guideposts, 1991, p. 244-247)
Dear believer in Christ, Jesus has fixed our hearts. Now the quality of our lives and relationships is up to us. What will you do to bring healing to your relationships?
