Our culture wants you to believe something about romance and relationships that simply is not true. And a lot of you believe it. Culture says, love is all about me. The way I feel. The things I want. The desires I have. To prove my point, we’re going to play this little game. I’m calling this the love song lyric challenge, the love song lyric challenge, I just made that up, and here’s how it works. I’m going to play a clip from a popular love song, and if you know it, then I want you to sing along with it and when the music ends, we’re all together going to sing the little phrase. Ok? It’s the love song lyric challenge! Everybody get it? This is an all-play on every campus, whether I’m live in the room or via video right now, it doesn’t matter. I want to play along. Have a little fun. You’re going to hear the song, sing along, and we’re going to sing the next phrase when the clip ends. Here we go, play that first clip.
That was fun! Now there’s a theme in those songs and dozens more just like them and the theme and I don’t know if you caught it or not, but the theme is this: you meet my needs and that’s what makes our love work. You meet my needs. You exist for me. You make me feel love and that’s what makes our relationship tick. You see, culture tries to tell us that relationships and romance ultimately is all about my personal fulfillment. Right? It’s all about the way you make me feel. It’s all about my personal happiness. It’s about my needs being met. This is why marriage after marriage after marriage and relationship after relationship after relationship end with statements like this: You just don’t make me feel happy anymore or I just don’t feel like I’m in love with you anymore, or you don’t meet my needs anymore or I met someone else that does for me what you don’t do for me. What is that about? I’ll tell you. It’s about these stupid love songs. That’s what it’s about. It’s about a belief that relationships exist for my personal fulfillment and I’m here to tell you today that when you focus solely on what relationships do for you, you will always be stuck at the love shack because the key to relational fulfillment isn’t in what is done for you but in what you do for them. It’s not how will you meet my needs, it’s how can I meet yours. Rather than, what can you do for me in this relationship, it is what can I do for you in this relationship.
Because watch this, when relationships are about us, we focus on rights and forget about responsibilities. We focus on rights and forget about responsibilities. And when you neglect your responsibilities in a relationship, and only care about your rights in a relationship, you use and abuse people for your own personal pleasure and ultimately you stay stuck at the love shack and your relationship never advances.
Listen, the best thing that can happen to you relationally today is to stop thinking about you, stop demanding your way, stop expecting to have your needs met and start putting the other person first. That’s the best thing that could happen to you. Mark my words, ultimate fulfillment relationally comes when you are meeting the needs of the one God has given you. It really does!
Some of you look skeptical, so let me prove it to you. The Bible says this about the way to treat others. It says, Philippians 2:3-4 NIV: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In other words, not worrying about having your needs met, but meeting the needs of others. This is what the Bible says. That relational fulfillment is actually a bi-product of meeting somebody else’s needs, not necessarily having your own needs met. It actually comes when you put others first.
This is why parenting is so fulfilling. Right parents? Some of you are like, nope it’s draining! Ok, you’ve got a point, it is draining sometimes, but isn’t it fulfilling relationally even though 98% of the time you are putting their needs first? I mean, really, think about all the choices you make in an effort to put your kid’s first relationally. There’s not a single person in here that would ever eat at McDonalds if it weren’t for our kids. Most of us on our own would never watch Disney Chanel, but we do for our kids. Think about what you drive and now think about what you could be driving if it weren’t for your kids! But come on, let’s be honest! It’s worth it. It’s worth it because parenting shows us that true relational fulfillment isn’t about meet my needs it’s about let me meet yours.
Hey let’s get a little more practical here and because speaking specifically of relationships between a husband and a wife, this is what the Bible says to us, it says, you ready for this, Ephesians 5:21NIV: Submit to one another (Now let me explain this ok because this is huge and this idea of submission is so often misunderstood. To submit literally means to line up behind. It’s a military term used to describe the action of lining up behind someone of a higher rank. You submit, you get behind. That’s what the Bible is saying, you do that to each other. In a relationship, you submit to one another, you constantly line up behind the other. You treat the other like they are the officer of higher rank. You submit to one other, why?) out of reverence for Christ. Don’t miss this! Out of reverence for Christ! Not because they deserve it. Not because they’re better than you. Not because you’re having a good day. Not because they did something nice for you yesterday. No no no. You see, this decision to submit in a relationship has nothing to do with the other person. It has everything to do with Jesus. And because you revere Jesus, because you honor Jesus, because you love Jesus, because you are filled with awe about Jesus, you will treat the other person in your relationship differently. You submit to them. This is a willingness to relinquish one’s own rights. You’re not looking out for number one in this relationship. You’re not pursuing your needs and your desires and your wants. No, you relinquish those rights, because you have a responsibility and your responsibility is to submit and meet the needs of the other.
I know this is completely contrary to what you’ve been taught to believe about relationships. I know that. I know that this flies in the face and in direct opposition to everything you see on tv and in the movies about romance and marriage and love. But lets just be honest about it. How’s it working out for you doing it your way? How’s it working when you demand your way and your needs and your desires and your wants and your happiness and your fulfillment all get met? I think most of us would say that’s what’s left us stuck at the love shack. I’m telling you today, there’s a better way. Forget your rights, focus on your responsibility and this is the key to relational fulfillment! Meet his need, meet her need. Submit!
Now the Bible actually goes on to tell us how to do that specifically. How do we submit to meet the needs of the other? I want to show you this. Men, let’s start with you. The Bible says this to men, Ephesians 5:33 NIV: However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself…(I’m about to break the man code here and just tell the secret to everybody. Here it goes: men really love themselves. Don’t let them fool you with their false humility. Don’t let them play it off like they don’t really care. Men love themselves! Every man does. This is why men like to look at themselves in the mirror. Have you ever noticed that? Men cannot walk past a mirror without checking themselves out, because they love themselves.
I got in an elevator the other day with Tabitha my wife and I was surrounded by mirrors and I just stood there. She said, “what are you doing?” I said, “I’m looking at myself!” and I was! I was admiring this work of art…I had the perfect angle happening to see the back of my head. She said, “well are you going to push the button?” We love to stand there and men like to flex their muscles. They do and if they don’t have muscles, they like to jiggle their tummies.
I’m telling you, we just love ourselves and God knew that and God knew that the clearest way to speak our language was to say to us, love your wife like you love you. Dude, put away the tendency that says me first, my way, right away and say you first, your way, right away. Stop with the rights. Men, we love our rights! But if you want to move your relationship from the love shack to the love palace you’ve got to forget about your rights and focus on your responsibility. Submit to her by loving her like you love you.
I’m going to get real practical on that in a minute but let’s go to the women. The verse goes on to say to the women) and the wife must respect her husband. R-e-s-p-e-c-t. Respect. This is not natural for you, because you like to demand your rights and he needs to earn my respect, and the Bible is like no no! Forget your rights, focus on your responsibility! You submit by showing him respect. This is what every man needs. For a man, this is more important than anything else you can give to him, respect. And watch this now, you don’t do this because he deserves your respect or because she deserves your love, you do this because of Jesus, remember? Because of Jesus. This is not based on what they did for you or what they can do for you, this is based on what Jesus has done for you. This is a totally different way of approaching a relationship! But this is how to have a fulfilling, God-honoring, advancing relationship.
Now I’ve got to give a couple disclaimers here or some of you will misinterpret or misapply what I’m teaching. So let me just make a couple things clear. I’m not talking about some sick, unhealthy, needy, dependent relationship. If you’re a female here and some dude is abusing you, you need to get out of that relationship and I’ll tell you straight up. You tell somebody on my staff about it and there are some rather large men in this church that only ½ way know Jesus and they will go with you today and help you get out of that relationship if you know what I mean. Don’t take what I’m saying to an unhealthy place, this is not an excuse for abuse. This is also not a guarantee that your relationship will get better and make you happier. I can’t promise you that, because you’re not changing them, you’re changing you. So you might not get the warm and fuzzies from your relationship but you can get the warm and fuzzies from knowing you’re doing what God has called you to do in your relationship. And if you’re married, God has called you to stay with that person, and meet her or his needs. I don’t care if you’re not happy! Pick up a hobby, it will make you happy. “Well, I’m just not feeling it anymore.” Bro, go eat some taco bell and you’ll start feeling something again! Stupid. A marriage cannot be based on my happiness and my feelings and my needs and my wants. You base it on their happiness and their feelings and their needs and their wants and watch and see what happens.
That’s if you’re married, but if you’re single, and the person you are dating makes the relationship all about them and their needs and their wants and their demands, unless they are sitting beside you right now having a breakthrough moment with Jesus, you remember that little game we played earlier? Well here’s the song you need to sing to them, taylor.mp3. You are not going to change them. You’re not going to change them and they don’t get what a relationship is all about, because it’s all about meeting the needs of the other person. You can send me your thank you notes later.
So what does this look like practically? I think I’ve got a couple items that might help you. So let me go into the love shack and show you, I want to illustrate this so you never forget it. Based on what I believe the Bible is teaching us about love and respect, this is what I think this means. Men, what I’m trying to teach you today is to make a choice that you’re going to treat your woman, no matter what, no matter how she treats you, you’re going to treat her like she is fancy China, not re-usable Tupperware. This is what every woman needs, mark it down. Every woman needs to be treated like fancy china not re-usable Tupperware. I’ll come back to this.
And ladies, if you want to really apply what I’m teaching you, if you want to forget about your rights and focus on your responsibility, then you have to leave from here and
• We have some china in our house and
• when we pull it out it’s a special occasion.
• We treat it with care.
• We keep it set apart.
• It’s in a different cabinet than the rest of the dishes.
• We carry it carefully.
• We protect it.
• We don’t let just anybody use it and walk around with it and eat off of it. •
• No it’s valuable, it’s special, it’s important, it’s cherished.
And men, you’ve got to learn, that no matter her mood, no matter her looks, no matter her emotions…none of that matters. You treat her like the fine china she is, not the re-usable Tupperware that gets tossed in the drawer. This means you speak of her highly, you guard how others speak to her and treat her, it means you act like she is a special occasion all on her own, it means that she has a place in your heart that no-one else is allowed. She is your fine china. You meet her needs first and stop worrying about yours.
And ladies, he is your king on a throne. He is! You show him respect. You speak of him highly. You prioritize him over every other relationship in your life. You don’t dare talk negative about him to your girlfriends. You meet his needs and stop worrying about yours. In fact, here’s your homework, just ask each other on the way home. Just ask. Say, “hypothetically speaking, if someone wanted to treat you like fine china, what would he need to do?” And then just listen. Don’t argue. Don’t say that’s dumb or ask why. And ladies tell him 5 specific things he can do to treat you this way. Guys, just listen and then do it because it’s your responsibility. “Hypothetically speaking, if someone wanted to treat you like a king on a throne, what would she need to do?” And listen. And then do it! It’s your responsibility.
And can I just let you in on a little secret? I’ve never met a woman that when treated like fine china didn’t find it easy to treat her man like a king on a throne. And I’ve never met a man whose woman treated him with respect like a king on a throne who found it difficult to treat his woman like she was fine china. This is the way God designed it. You meet the needs of the other first, and you get your needs met in return.
I know some of you are thinking.
