I heard about a woman who woke up the morning of Valentines Day and said “Honey, I had the most amazing dream last night. I had a dream that you gave me a beautifully wrapped box and inside the box there was a stunning diamond necklace. What do you think that means?” The husband just grinned and said, “You’ll have to wait for tonight.” And so sure enough, after work she rushed home to find a beautifully wrapped box sitting on the counter waiting for her to open it. She just knew that her dream was coming true -- perhaps he went to Jared -- and when she opened it up she found a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.
I hope you had a great week, a good Valentine’s Day and today I want to help you improve your marriage or relationships, because we established last week that when you build your relationship on the right foundation, you’re always going to move up and that God’s design for relationships are that they’re always advancing. Always moving forward. Always getting better. And I know that, remember this from last week? I know that because God created relationships not just for the fulfillment of man and woman but also for His glory. So you’re to honor and glorify God with your relationship and the way you do that is by building on a faith foundation.
Now today I want to get a little more practical and this message really does have something for everybody because I want to teach you a theory today called the Broken Window Theory and it’s a theory used primarily about criminal activity but I want to apply it today to romance and relationships, I know that sounds weird, right? I mean there aren’t always obvious connections between crime and love but I think you’ll see the connection by the time I’m done with it.
Here’s the gist of the theory. The Broken Window Theory basically says that when an environment is in disarray, it only gets worse. That disorder invites disorder. The theory specifically speaks of broken windows. So hang on, let me go in here and see what we’ve got. Oh if you could see it in here, what a hot mess! Good grief, it’s like our worship leaders have been living in here! Ok, so the theory basically says that when a place like this one, has a broken window like this one, wait for it, it leads to more and more problems, greater challenges, and more severe difficulties. It’s the broken window theory. If you allow a window in your house to be broken, eventually, it doesn’t take very long for your house to become a shack.
The theory actually was first tested by a psychologist back in the late 60’s who took two cars and he parked one of them on the street in a neighborhood in California and the other one in the Bronx, New York. You know the Bronx right? The car in California, sat untouched for an entire week. But on this car in the Bronx, he removed the license plate and propped open the hood and within a day, a day, this car, was completely stripped. Nothing left! Vandalized, on blocks, wasted. So then in a final twist to the study, he went back to the first car, and he broke out the window just to create some disorder and within only a few hours, that car in California with the broken window was destroyed just like the car in the Bronx. His theory was that disorder invites even more disorder. That something as simple and as small as a broken window can actually lead to much bigger, much more significant and severe problems in an environment.
Now if this theory is true, then think about the impact in most of our marriages and relationships. Let’s be honest about it. Most of us have some broken windows in our relationships. We have some things that maybe seem a little small, seem a little off, seem like they’re not the way they’re supposed to be, but we we’ve settled in and acted like that’s the norm, it’s just the way it’s going to be, it’s just a part of this relationship, but I’m telling you today that your broken windows are leaving you stuck at the love shack. These little things in our marriages and our relationships are actually inviting more and more things and bigger problems, and greater challenges and before you’ll ever experience all that God wants for you relationally, You’ve got to fix the broken windows. Fix the broken windows.
Today, I want to talk to you about the three most common broken windows in relationships. I’m talking to you out of 20 years of ministry experience now and in my experience, the three areas I’m going to teach you today are the three most commonly overlooked areas in a relationship. They’re three of the biggest deals that most people treat like they’re no big deal. And I’m telling you, if these three windows are broken and you don’t fix ‘em, its just going to lead to more and more damage and distress and disorder, so you’ve got some homework when you leave from here. You’ve got to fix some windows. These are issues that lead to other issues and other issues. And if you have one or more of these broken windows in your relationship, it WILL, not might, not could, not probably, not perhaps, but it WILL lead to other problems, so you’ve got to fix these 3 windows.
Let’s jump in, number 1 is the broken window of Communication. Here’s what I’ve found. We treat communication in a relationship like it’s a little thing, like it’s not that big of a deal, like it doesn’t really matter, it’s just words but I’m telling you today that when communication is a broken window it has a multiplying effect. Broken communication invites more and more disorder because our words are the most powerful tool in a relationship. Now let’s be honest, communication is tough, predominantly because men and women communicate in such different ways.
If you don’t believe it, just look at my children. I’ve got a boy and two girls. My two girls both communicate the same way. They’re expressive, they tell details, they fill in all the blanks, and when there’s a moment of silence, they break the silence because they can come up with something to say. My boy on the other hand, grunts. And that’s the difference between men and women. We communicate differently. My wife looks at me sometimes and says, you communicate for a living, how is it that you’re so bad at it when you come home. And I always tell her that I use all my words on Sunday!
Communication is a broken window in most of our love shacks. Now we could obviously spend hours working on communication but I want to specifically help you know what to avoid in communication because I think there’s a broken window that most women deal with and a broken window that most men deal with. So let’s start with all the ladies. Men sit back and relax for a minute because there is a broken window of communication that for whatever reason, many women, fall into using this as their way to communicate. And it’s so bad, that the Bible actually addresses it repeatedly. I’m just going to show you a few of the verses, this is from the Bible ladies, for you. Men you’re going to like these. The Bible says, Proverbs 19:13b NIV: A quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof. Drip, Drip, Drip, Drip. There’s a word picture for you! It goes on and says, Proverbs 21:9 NIV: Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. And here’s one that tops that one, Proverbs 21:19 NIV: Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. You see guys what you’ve been missing? You ought to read you’re your Bible more! So women, you’ve got to avoid the broken window in communication of sounding like a broken record. You’ve got to work hard in your communication so that you’re not quarrelsome and nagging, because apparently according to the Bible, that’s your tendency. You’ve got to make sure you’re not always looking for a fight relationally, that you’re not using your words to dig and jab and cut down and belittle. You’ve got to build up your man with your words. You’ve got to cut down on the attitude and the neck rolls and the uber sensitive spirit and the quick comebacks and the short snappy responses. This is not what men want when you are communicating to them. Some of you speak to your man like he’s your child. Some of you speak to your man like he’s your dog. It’s no wonder why some of your men act like children or dogs. You’ve conditioned them with your words to act that way. Knock that mess off! Cut that stuff out. You speak to your man like he’s your knight in shining armor and he might be riding a white horse the next time you see him! This what men need, so women, stop being quarrelsome, it’s a broken window, your man doesn’t want you to talk to him like that, all the men right now are scared to applaud because they’re scared what you might say to them! Fix the window ladies!
Men, let me talk to the men, you’ve got a broken window of communication as well. For some of you, you simply don’t communicate, so that’s the window you’ve got to fix, but for others, and I would say this is the majority of us, your broken window is that you communicate in a harsh or critical way and that’s got to stop. The Bible says this, Proverbs 25:11 AMP: A word fitly spoken and in due season (that just means in the right way and at the right time. Guys you use your words in the right way and at the right time and it’s like, look at this) is like apples of gold in settings of silver. It’s like giving her a silver bracelet every time you speak! You don’t have to go to Jared when you use the right words! I’m saving you money fellas! That’s the way your communication should be. Kind and gentle, building her up. The Bible says of a successful woman, that Proverbs 31:28 NIV: Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. This is your role, men, in communication. Praise her, with your words bless her, encourage her. Fix the broken window of communication. We’ve just gotten lazy and accepted it but when communication is broken, it invites more disorder. FIX IT!
There’s a second broken window that needs to be fixed in most relationships and it’s the broken window in The Bedroom. Bom chicka wow wow! Now before you start covering your middle schooler’s ears, it’s ok. I’m going to be G rated here, in fact, I’m going to say some stuff your middle schooler needs to hear and I’m going to say it without any shock value. I’ve got to talk about the bedroom because it’s a broken window and when you have a broken window in the bedroom it’s an invitation for bigger and more complex problems and challenges in the rest of the house. And I’m telling you, when things are right in the bedroom, HELLO, they’re usually right in the rest of the relationship. The Bible says this, Hebrews 13:4a NIV: Marriage should be honored by all, (to honor something means to treat it with great value, to hold it in high regard, to esteem it highly. That’s what we’re all to do with this valuable covenant of marriage) and the marriage bed kept pure. I love how the Message paraphrases this verse, look at it, Hebrews 13:4a MSG: Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. Honor and guard. Those two words go together and way too many of us have dishonored and let down our guard and the result is the window is broken.
Bottom line, you want to do relationships God’s way? You want to move on up from the love shack? You want to have God’s blessings on your life and your relationships and on your marriage, you’ve got to honor marriage and guard the bedroom and that means very simply that if you are sleeping with someone you are not married to, you are dishonoring marriage and you have let your guard down. Single people listen to me. You are called by God to honor marriage and keep the bedroom pure – guard it. It’s not easy, it’s not natural, it’s not what everybody else is doing, but do you want a relationship like everybody else has? PLEASE! What everybody else is doing obviously isn’t working because they’re stuck at the love shack. Maybe you ought to do it differently, honor marriage and guard the bedroom and I’m telling you God will honor you and your relationships. Do it God’s way! You’ll never regret obedience. And listen, married people, honor and guard are your words too! That means if you’re married and you’re not enjoying the bedroom, you’re dishonoring and not guarding or listen especially men, if you’re getting fulfillment from something or someone other than in the bedroom with your spouse, (i.e. the computer) you have dishonored marriage and let your guard down and you are stuck at the love shack! It’s a broken window in way too many relationships that goes unfixed. I’m saying to you today, go home and have the difficult conversations about how to honor the bedroom and guard it with your life! It’s a big deal and it cannot be ignored.
I could preach on this for a long time, and I could make things really awkward for all of us, and I for one would enjoy it, but there’s one more really big deal, that most people treat like it’s nothing. Yet in my experience, when this window is left broken, it invites so many other problems and challenges into the relationship. This is one that has to be fixed, I’m talking about the window of Money. These are the three biggies ya’ll. Communication, bedroom & money. Now I’ve done entire sermons on money, in fact a couple of weeks ago just in our last series I talked about money, so it seems redundant to say it again, but I’m telling you, in my experience, people with troubled relationships can usually trace it back to one of these three broken windows and a lot of times it’s that nobody in the relationship has a clue about money or one of you does and the other doesn’t and usually that just doesn’t work! When you allow money to remain a broken window, mark my words, it will create disorder in your relationship. In fact, that’s why money continues to be listed as one of the leading causes of divorce in America and it’s why most of you in a relationship right now have probably had one of your biggest fights in your relationship about the topic of money. And yet, we continue to live with the broken window.
This is what the Bible says, and this is the starting point for you to fix the window, Proverbs 27:23-24a NIV: Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever. In other words, you’ve got to know what you’ve got and you’ve got to know where it’s going or else it will be gone. Number 1 problem I’ve seen in most couples regarding money, they don’t have a plan and they don’t know where each other is spending the money. I hope you’ll use our web notes this week from watersedgechurch.net, I talk about all three of these windows. But I specifically help you with a spending plan that you can use as homework to fix this broken window.
Let me tell you, Tabitha and I in 16 years of marriage have only fought once about money and that once was about giving not about spending, so let me tell our secret. We live on the Give-Save-Live Budget. And this is how it works, we’ve decided we want to honor God first and so we give a percentage of our income right off the top back to God through this church every single month. The Bible says give 10%, so that was our starting point. We give more than that now, but that’s where we started. We give, then we save. There’s again a percentage of our income that we save. Some of that is saving for the future, some of that is saving for things like a new car or braces for our kids or something for our house. And then we live on what’s left and before the month ever begins we know where what’s left is going to be spent because we plan and because we’ve agreed on it already, we don’t fight about it. What’s to fight about when you’ve already discussed it and agreed on it? You know the best thing you could do if you’re married today? Get a plan together! Make a plan together. And listen, if you’re single, the worst thing you can do is keep living with a broken window of money because you don’t want to carry that old broken window into your next relationship. I’m telling you, you pay off your debt, you live within your means, you get generous with your money and you watch…you get real attractive real quick! Fix it. The three most common broken windows that impact everything in a relationship.
You may not know this but in the late 80’s and early 90’s it was the broken window theory that inspired the New York City Transit Authority to start a massive cleanup of the subway system. They started removing graffiti that had been painted on walls for years, they started cracking down on free loaders who would hop the turn-styles, they started cleaning up the trash and removing the debris, it was all in an effort to fix broken windows and today some believe that the fact that crime in New York City has fallen more than 50% is a direct result to fixing broken windows! And if it works in New York City, it works in your love shack.
You’ve got to respond to this message. God didn’t bring you’re here today so you could leave the same. Do you believe that God wants your relationship to be better? If you do, then don’t you think that God knows what’s best? And if He does, then how many of you would say, I’ve got some work to do on some broken windows around my love shack? Would you just raise your hands – I’ve got some broken windows?
