My subject today can be very uncomfortable to us men. The subject is our roles as husbands and how we sometimes fail. Many of you today have been or are now divorced. I am included in that number of having a marriage that failed. Reality is that often a man can do all he can to save a marriage but his partner has no desire to do so and divorce is the only alternative. Or infidelity occurs breaking the bond of trust that can not be restored. My goal today is to challenge the married men to step up in their role as a Christian husband and for the single men to store this information away until God blesses you with a life-mate. And my desire is for the ladies to perhaps understand their husbands a little more. Remember ladies, man was made from dirt but you were made from the compassion and love of a merciful God who knew we needed a help-mate in a very bad way.
I would like to begin with reading from the article
Why Women Leave Men
by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D
“Women tend to be more concerned about their marriages than men. They buy most of the books on marriage to try to improve them and initiate most marriage counseling. They often complain about their marriages to their closest friends and sometimes to anyone who will listen. And they also file for divorce twice as often as men. (66% women, 34% men file for divorce)
The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is "mental cruelty." When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they have been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband's efforts to drive them crazy. It is usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect.
Another reason for divorce reported almost as much as mental cruelty is "neglect" itself. These include both emotional abandonment and physical abandonment. Husbands that work away from the home, sometimes leaving their wives alone for weeks at a time, fall into this category.
When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it is far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave men that threaten their safety.
Simply stated, women leave men when they are neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men.
Some of the common complaints I hear from women is, "He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls me to see how I'm doing, he hurts my feelings and then never apologizes: Instead, he tells me I'm too sensitive."
Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel that their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic if married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.
I use a house as an illustration to help husbands understand how their wives feel. Each room in the house represents one of the husband's roles in life. There is a room for his job -----, there is another for golf (or fishing or football), another for his new (toys), one for his garden, one for his children, one for church, and, yes, one for his wife.
As he makes his way through an average day, he visits various rooms when he is faced with the role the room defines. And when he's in a certain room, the others are blocked out of his mind so that he can focus his undivided attention on the role he plays at the time. He does his best when he's not faced with distractions, and prefers to deal with each problem with all his energy and creativity so that he does the best he can in each role he plays.
The wives of most men are only one of many rooms in this imaginary house. It represents the "husband" role. When they are in that room, they usually try to give their wives undivided attention and make a special effort to meet their needs. They also go to that room to have their own needs met, particularly the need for sex.
What frustrates wives most is that they are relegated to only
one room in their husbands' imaginary house instead of every room.”
Divorce is wrong. It can’t be sugar-coated. “For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “And I hate the man who does wrong to his wife,” says the Lord of All. “So be careful in your spirit, and be one who can be trusted.” (Malachi 2:16) These are some very strong words. Perhaps we need to stop here and have an altar call for repentance.
Jesus spoke of divorce also. “It has been said, ‘Whoever wants to divorce his wife should have it put in writing, telling her he is leaving her.’ But I tell you, whoever divorces his wife except if she has not been faithful to him, makes her guilty of a sex sin. Whoever marries a woman who has been divorced is guilty of a sex sin. (Matt 5:31-32)
And in another encounter we see this exchange; “The proud religious law-keepers came to Jesus. They tried to trap Him by saying, “Does the Law say a man can divorce his wife for any reason?” He said to them, “Have you not read that He Who made them in the first place made them man and woman? It says, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will live with his wife. The two will become one.’ So they are no longer two but one. Let no man divide what God has put together.”
The proud religious law-keepers said to Jesus, “Then why did the Law of Moses allow a man to divorce his wife if he put it down in writing and gave it to her?” Jesus said to them, “Because of your hard hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives. It was not like that from the beginning.” (Matt 19:3-8)
So what exactly did the Law of Moses say?
"When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts [it] in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man's [wife,] and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts [it] in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, [then] her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the Lord, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the Lord your God gives you as an inheritance.” (Deut 24:1)
This law simply was written to forbid re-marriages. However the Jews of Jesus’ days had interpreted it to cover all situations, from too old to bear children to burnt toast. Divorce was rampant and Jesus wanted to remind those UNDER THE LAW of their short comings. We are no longer under the law but have been set free from the punishment of the law. (Gal 3:13) This however does change the fact that God hates divorce.
Why? Because if you can not commit to one who is seen how can you commit to one who is unseen?
We have a responsibility to our wives to ensure that divorce will never enter their minds therefore protecting them from sin.
We are to provide for our wives (1 Tim 5:8). We are to provide the comfort of leadership as Jesus comforts us with his leadership (1 Cor 11:3). We are to sacrifice our personal desires for their needs as Jesus did for his church (Eph 5:25). We are to love them, not out of compulsion, but out of tenderness (Colo 3:19).
So guys get out your pens and write down these ten steps to ensure that you are following a Godly pattern.
1) Respect your wife. Do not take her for granted. Treat her as your equal. Are you weaker than Jesus? The Word says your wife is weaker than you. Yet how does Jesus treat you? Does He belittle you or treat you with compassion? Treat your wife as Jesus treats you.(1 Peter 3:7).
2) Elevate your wife. Except for God, your highest allegiance should be to your wife. When you married her you became one flesh with her. Years ago I worked with Daisy and Violet Hilton, a set of Conjoined Twins. They were attached at their hips. They were unable to go their separate ways and had developed an understanding with each other. When one was ill or hurt the other suffered with her. They were constant companions and sometimes it showed it was not by choice. They often bickered. But one thing they never considered was being separated, even after medical advances made it possible. They died together, one choosing to lie beside her dead sister as her body began to fail. This was truly a walking example of one flesh. ( Gen 2:24)
3) Praise your wife. - Remind her constantly how important she is to you. Tell her of her value. Trust her opinions. When you do, you have a promise in God’s Word that you will never stop getting good things. (Proverbs 31:10-11)
4) Court your wife.- Courting is an old school term. It means seeking the affections of a woman (usually with the hope of marriage). I have had people ask me “How in the world did you end up with Debbie?” First I won her with my sense of humor. Then I began to whisper those sweet nothings in her ear that are only between us. Courting is taking the time to tell her all the things you told her to convince her to marry you. (Song of Solomon 5:10-16)
5) Involve your wife - While it is true that you are the head of the household, you will need your wife’s support in that role. Do not allow yourselves to be torn in different directions in household matters. Involve your wife in the financial desicions and child discipline. Remember if possible your children will play you against each other. (Eph 6:4)
6) Assure your wife - When you tell your wife you will do something, do it. Be home from work when you say you will, or call if you won’t be. Answer your phone if possible and if not call back as soon as you can. Allow yourself to be accountable to your wife. You have no need of hidden passwords. Allow her to see your history on the inter-net so she knows that you are truly honoring her. satan desires to deceive her and will through planting unhealthy thoughts in her mind. Let her know she can trust you. (Matt 5:37)
7) Ogle your wife - Let her see the desire in your eyes for her. If she has aged since you first met her remember two things; you probably helped that process and you’ve aged too. Rekindle that flame. Spend some time alone. Set up a date night. Role play like it’s your first night as a married couple. Enjoy each other. When I look at myself I see a gray hair, overweight senior citizen. But Debbie says I am her total package. And she’s one hot mama.
I now apologize to my children. (Proverbs 5:15-20)
8) Heed your wife - Try to understand her point of view. We are made differently. I cooked a meal for the first time in twenty some years this week. It included baking some chicken breast. I could not figure out how to turn on the oven. There were buttons to push and arrows pointing up and down. I called Crystal to see if she could help but she had not used our oven. Debbie happened to call and walked me through the process. The last time I cooked you had one dial to deal with, not it’s computer science. We are built like that simple oven but our wives are so much more complicated. We think in black- in- white. They think in living color. Take time to try and understand her view points. (Gen 21:12)
9) Kiss your wife - Kiss her every morning. Kiss her when you leave home. Kiss her when you get home. Kiss her before you go to sleep, not expecting anything to happen. Tell her you love her at every opportunity. Let your children see that affection you have for each other. It will reassure them of a stable household. (Song of Solomon 8:1)
10) Provide your wife - When you got married you gave up all claims to personal belongings. What was yours became “ours”.
You are not to hold back any provisions from your wife, espically money. You are not permitted to have a secret bank account or hoard funds away for your own personal “rainy day”. It is your responsibility to provide food, clothing and shelter for your wife. There is nothing wrong with your wife having a career but you are still responsible for being the head of your household.
Now ladies one quick word to you. Don’t take these notes and beat your husbands over their head. Remember the role you play in your household; Wives, obey your husbands. This is what the Lord wants you to do. (Col 3:18) And men if you are fulfilling your role in your household your wife will be more than glad to follow.
Today I offered you a chance to renew your wedding vows. No one accepted my offer. I pray that the choice was made because no one felt it was necessary.
But there is one who offers you a chance to renew your vow with him today. His name is Jesus. Let’s look at Matt 26:27-29
Then He took the cup and gave thanks. He gave it to them and said, “You must all drink from it. This is My blood of the New Way of Worship which is given for many. It is given so the sins of many can be forgiven. I tell you that I will not drink of the fruit of the vine again until that day when I will drink it new with you in the holy nation of My Father.”
This was not the typical Passover meal. All would have shared the cup. But Jesus refused to do so. This was a wedding tradition. In a Jewish wedding the bride would be chosen, the dowry would be paid, and then the betrothal ceremony would take place. This would include a cup of wine being lifted up and drunk by the bride alone. The bridegroom would not drink of the cup until he returned for his bride. Although perhaps confusing to the disciples, it paints a beautiful picture of his promise to return for his bride, the Church.
Today you can renew that vow. We are going to take communion. And when you drink of the fruit of the vine, you can settle in your heart that this is nothing more that grape juice. Or you can renew your promise to be his spotless Bride, cleansed by his blood, seeking forgiveness for the adultery you have committed with this world, knowing you are forgiven. We stand on his promise that He will never leave us or forsake us.
