A man shared with his friends that he and his wife were going through the empty-nest syndrome. He said the worst part about it was that once the children leave, some wives treat their husbands like children.
He said, “When we go to the grocery store and I reach for cereal, she slaps my hand and says, ‘We don't need that this week.’ Then I reach for the ice cream, and she slaps my hand, saying, ‘We don't need that this week.’ I reach for the potato chips, and again she slaps my hand and says, ‘We don't need that this week.’ I finally get so frustrated I hop out of the basket and go to the car!” (Van Morris, Mt. Washington, Kentucky; www.PreachingToday.com)
I think that couple is in for a lot of trouble – with his immaturity and her controlling tendencies. It’s certainly not the way to enjoy peace and harmony in the home, but is that possible even with two mature, emotionally healthy adults? After all, men and women are so different. How can there be harmony in the home, and not only between husbands and wives, but also between parents and children?
Well, the Bible tells us that we have everything we need in Christ not only to live holy lives, but to live in harmony with one another. A couple weeks ago, we looked at some lessons on relationships which give us a path to harmony in the church. Today, I want us to look at some lessons which give us a path to harmony in the home.
So if you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Colossians 3, Colossians 3, where we see how our fullness of life in Christ affects our home life.
Colossians 3:18-21 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (NIV)
The Bible addresses each member of the family, and gives each person one simple lesson, which if followed will go a long way towards bringing harmony to YOUR home. First, God addresses the wife, and He says to her…
SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBAND.
Literally, rank yourself in order under the man you married. The word, “submit,” is actually a military term, which describes the relationship between the various ranks from general to captain to sergeant to private. It’s a word which implies order, and that’s what God wants in our homes – order, not chaos.
Ladies, I know that’s what you want, as well. No woman I know likes a disorderly home, but most women resist God’s path to order and harmony. I think they’re afraid it means they have to accept abuse from their husbands, but that’s not the case at all.
God asks a woman to submit “as is fitting in the Lord.” In other words, a woman is not obligated to follow her husband’s leadership if it goes contrary to clear, biblical standards. God is not asking a woman to accept abuse from her husband, because that’s clearly not biblical. Furthermore, God is not asking a woman to lie for her husband or cover up for his irresponsibility, because that goes against God’s clear commands, as well. No.
God is simply asking a wife to order herself in rank under her husband as a captain does under his general and accept his lead as is appropriate in the Lord. Now, this is not something your husband does to you, ladies; this is something you do to your husband.
God is not instructing the husband to MAKE his wife submit. He is instructing the wife to submit voluntarily. It is an act of the wife’s will, from a position of strength, whereby she chooses, voluntarily, to follow the lead of her husband.
Rhonda Mony, of Lake Elsinore, California, talks about an evening when her husband, Mark, and their preschooler, Krystal, were on the couch chatting. Krystal asked very sweetly, “Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?”
To which Mark proudly replied, “Yes, I'm the boss of the house.”
But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when she added, “Cause Mommy put you in charge, huh, Daddy?” (Rhonda Mony, Lake Elsinore, California, “Kids of the Kingdom,” Christian Reader; www.PreachingToday.com)
We laugh at that, but that’s the sentiment of this verse. In order to have order and harmony in the home, the wife must put her husband in charge, voluntarily but deliberately.
I have spoken to many women who wish their husbands would take the spiritual leadership role in their homes. But often when they do, some women resist it. They’re so used to being in charge, that when the man finally does take some initiative in the home, she questions it; and often subtly, or not so subtly, she undermines his authority.
So most husbands just give up and let their wives have their way. After all, “if momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy,” and we men just don’t want to fight it. That’s why we often withdraw and become passive in the home, which drives you ladies crazy, doesn’t it?
My dear friends, for the sake of your marriage and your family, please, don’t do that to your husbands. Don’t emasculate him. Instead, put him in charge and choose, as an act of your own will, to follow his lead. Ladies, if you want harmony in YOUR home, submit to your husband.
Now, what about the husband? Well, I believe his role is even more critical than the wife’s role; because he IS the leader. In other words he IS the one God holds responsible for what goes on in the home. So if your home is in chaos, men, don’t blame your wife.
In fact, any man can get any woman to respect him if he does just one simple thing. Do you want to know what that is, men? Look at verse 19 where God addresses the husband.
Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (NIV)
Men, if you want harmony in YOUR home…
LOVE YOUR WIFE.
And love her unconditionally, whether she submits to you or not. Sacrifice yourself for her, whether or not she shows you any respect. Take the lead in the relationship and give yourself totally and completely to her before she does anything for you, because eventually no woman can resist that kind of love.
We’re talking about agape love here, the kind of love Christ demonstrated for us when he sacrificed himself for sinners that didn’t deserve it.
Men, love your wife without any bitterness. That’s what that word “harsh” means in the original Greek language. Literally, verse 19 says, “Husbands love your wives and do not become bitter towards them.”
You see, when a man feels a lack of respect from his wife, it’s easy for him to harbor ill-will towards her, i.e., it’s easy for him to become bitter and withdraw, or worse yet, retaliate. Well, such a root of bitterness can poison the marriage. So we husbands need to learn to respond to any lack of respect not with bitterness, but with unconditional love.
It’s the same kind of love Jesus expressed when he cried from the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” It’s the willingness to give grace and to sacrifice, even when no such grace or sacrifice is deserved.
This is how sociologist, Maggie Gallagher, put it some time ago in Christianity Today. She writes: “The reality of family life is that men have to really give quite a lot to women and to children in order to make things work. They have to give up a lot of autonomy, give up a lot of the power to do whatever they want whenever they want. They have to give up lots of income and their mission in life.
“Both men and women are happier and more effective if men see this as a manly role. Most commonly, it's a ceremonial title; it's an indication that this man has agreed to take responsibility for this family. And I think men need to be honored and supported in that. But if you use the idea of headship as a reason to believe you should get your way in family life, you've missed the whole point.” (Maggie Gallagher, Christianity Today, August 2004, p.56; www.PreachingToday.com)
You see, you don’t gain respect by demanding it. You gain respect by putting it aside to serve the one you love.
Men, we don’t have to fix our wives or make them submit to have a happy home. All we have to do is love them! Love them like Christ loved us, unconditionally and sacrificially.
Scott Bolinder described that kind of love when he talked about his parents in the Marriage Partnership magazine some time ago. He said, “When my mother, the obvious sensitive one, would disintegrate into tears for whatever reason, my father would simply hold her and let her be. In a less obvious way, I learned that sensitivity could mean responding with a strong, silent, perhaps even bewildered embrace.” (Scott Bolinder, Marriage Partnership, Vol. 5, no.1; www.PreachingToday.com)
Men, that’s all you need to do when your wife is falling apart emotionally and you can’t figure her out. Just hold her. Just love her. Don’t move away from her. Move in close and let her know you care.
I like the way Roger Thompson put it when he talked about “Becoming a Man.” He said, “A man's emotional world is like a tackle box. It has 500 little compartments in it with all kinds of little nifty lures and hooks and old junk that's been saved and new things that nobody knows about. And he's got all these strategies. And he goes from one compartment to the next, to the next, to the next. Most of the men I know, including myself, can jump from one little compartment to the next a hundred times in a day, and our jobs often demand that of us. So we think it's neat to live in all these little compartments.
“But a wife's emotional structure is totally different. It's more like a river. And the river flows, and it flows and it flows. And what we need to learn how to do, men, is close the tackle box with all its neat little stuff, stuff that will probably never really be appreciated by our wives, close it up, take off the waders, and get into the river.” (Roger Thompson, “Becoming a Man,” Preaching Today, Tape No.140; www.PreacingToday.com)
In other words, just love your wife without trying to figure her out or fix her; just jump into the water with her, even if it feels like you’re going to drown. Then hold her and never let her go. Let me tell you: no woman, not even your wife, can resist that kind of love.
Do you want harmony in YOUR home? Then ladies, submit to your husband. Men, love your wife. And children…
OBEY YOUR PARENTS.
Pay careful attention to what they say, and do everything they tell you to do.
Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. (NIV)
This is the only command in the entire Bible specifically directed to children still living with their parents at home. And it’s very simple, isn’t it? To please the Lord, you don’t have to do anything else but obey your parents. Let them worry about everything else.
John Maxwell tells the story about 2 boys on their way to school, talking about their families.
One boy said, “I’ve figured out a system for getting along with my mom. It’s very simple. She tells me what to do, and I do it!!” (www.SermonCentral.com)
Hey kids, it really is that simple. You can contribute to harmony and peace in your own home, simply by doing what your parents tell you to do.
Do you want harmony in YOUR home? Then ladies, submit to your husband. Men, love your wife. Children, obey your parents. And parents…
DON’T IRRITATE YOUR CHILDREN.
Don’t stir them up or provoke them to anger.
Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (NIV)
Or more literally, they will be without fire. The last thing we want to do as parents is quench the fire of our children’s passion or their zeal for life. But that’s so easy to do, as parents, if we’re not careful.
Pastor Ray Stedman lists three things that fathers do, which discourage their children. Ignore them: A father who has no time for his children soon creates within them a deep-seated resentment. Children in these homes can grow up to feel unloved and unaccepted and may end up looking elsewhere to have their needs met. Indulge them: These types of fathers give their children everything they want. This is not good because a child who is indulged all the time can become restless, dissatisfied, and spoiled. Insult them: Some dads like to criticize their kids and even call them names, [but] sarcasm and ridicule can knock the stuffing out of a child faster than anything else. (Brian Bill, from his sermon Making Your Relationships Work, posted on www.SermonCentral.com)
Parents, please don’t do that to your children. Instead, compliment them as much as you can, discipline them, and spend time with them – at least eat supper together.
Do you realize, according to an extensive survey recently conducted by MTV and the Associated Press, that spending time with the family is what makes young people the happiest? MTV interviewed hundreds of young people between the ages of 13 and 24 and 73% of them listed “spending time with family” as the single greatest thing that made them happiest. Nearly half of the kids surveyed mentioned one of their parents as their hero, with mothers (29 percent) ranking higher than fathers (21 percent). The second thing that made young people happy, after spending time with family, was their “relationships with friends.” (“What Makes America's Youth Happy?” Knowledge Networks Inc., April 2007, www.christianpost.com; www.PreachingToday.com)
Now, this is powerful information for us as parents, because it shows us how we can have the greatest influence on our children and grandchildren and encourage them the most. And that’s simply by spending time with them.
Jim Lo Scalzo finally learned that after 16 years of traveling to more than 60 countries, serving as a photojournalist for U.S. News and World Report and winning countless awards. In his memoir, Evidence of My Existence, he admitted that he was “something of a travel addict,” and photography was his way to satisfy that addiction. But his addiction came with a price. While he was in Baghdad covering the U.S. invasion of Iraq, his wife was headed to the hospital with her second miscarriage. Lo Scalzo hated himself for what he felt was desertion, so when U.S. News and World Report gave him the opportunity in 2004 to cover John Kerry’s presidential campaign, he turned it down.
He writes in his memoir: “It was about accepting a simple truth: In the world of photojournalism I would always be a man of minor accomplishments. But in the field of fatherhood – to one little boy, at least – I had a chance to become legend. (Jim Lo Scalzo, Evidence of My Existence, Ohio University Press, 2007, p.317; www.PreachingToday.com)
Fathers (and mothers), please, don’t turn down the opportunity to become legend to your children. Spend time with them and make them a priority in your life, even over the advancement of your own career or your own agenda.
In fact, that’s what all of us need to do if we want harmony in our homes. Whether we’re husband or wife, parent or child, we need to put our family first over and above our own personal agendas. Wives, submit to your husband. Husbands, sacrifice yourself for your wife. Children, obey your parents. And parents, take time to ignite the passion in your children’s hearts.
Only, don’t do it on your own. Look to Jesus for help. For in Him we have everything we need not only to live holy lives, but to enjoy harmony in all of our relationships, even in our own homes.
Once upon a time, two paddleboats left port at about the same time, traveling down the Mississippi River. As they traveled side by side, the sailors began to taunt one another. Challenging words were exchanged, and eventually a race began.
After some time, one boat began falling behind; its fuel supply nearly exhausted. Although there had been plenty of coal for the trip, there was not enough coal for a race. As the boat got further and further behind, an enterprising young sailor took some of the ship’s cargo and tossed it into the ovens. When the other sailors saw that the supplies burned as well as the coal, they fueled their boat with the material they had been assigned to transport. They ended up winning the race, but burning their cargo. (Mark Brunner, www.SermonCentral.com)
Sad to say, that’s what a lot of people are doing in the rat race they call life. Oh, they might end up winning the race, but they’re burning precious cargo to do it; they’re sacrificing their family to gain wealth or recognition or whatever it is they’re after.
Please, don’t let that be YOU at the end of your life. No matter what your priorities have been up until now, it’s not too late to change with Christ help. Just trust Him with your life, and let Him rearrange your priorities, so that not only you benefit, but your family does, as well.
