MARRIAGE GOD’S WAY
Pastor Eric Hanson
We are living in curious times regarding marriage. There are those who would like to abolish marriage altogether and replace it with various legal arrangements having to do with property and finances. At the same time, there are others who wish to re-define marriage as extending to couples of the same gender. There are still others who wish to open marriage up to all sorts of arrangements, including groups of people, and in some cases, even children.
On another front, there are social writers who construct arguments in such a way as to cast dark shadows over Christian marriage. Most of their writings do not argue with or even make reference to the instructional passages found in the Bible’s New Testament regarding the inner workings of marriage. Rather, they tend to be reacting to marital legal history in America’s past, where there were some real disadvantages to women who may have been in abusive situations at home. Many of these same writers were also influenced by their personal observations of unhappy homes. A large percentage of the angry feminists of the late sixties and the seventies were primarily informed on the nature of marriage by such writings as those I just referred to.
Many of today’s commentators, television writers, and shapers of public policy, have come from a background which embraced much of the radical feminism of that time. Let me define what I mean by “radical feminism”. I am not speaking of “equal pay for equal work”. There is nothing radical about that concept. It is just a matter of fairness for people to receive their pay based on the merit of their work performance.
By radical feminism, I am primarily referring to two ideas. One is that men are a blight on the landscape of humanity. This idea inculcates an attitude that men are not to be loved and trusted. They are needed for reproduction and not much more. They are certainly not needed for raising children. The second such idea is that of erasing all gender distinctions, and insisting that such distinctions are merely artificial constructs designed by men in order to dominate women. This type of thinking manifests itself in arenas as diverse as calls for women to be in front line combat roles in the Army, and insistence that the giving of toys to children be gender non-specific.
For over thirty years now, the mindset that comes from these ideas has shaped the public perception of what traditional marriage is and how it was designed, by men, to work. The average American today probably sees Sit-Com couples as being the embodiment of traditional marriage. Many of these average Americans have come to the conclusion that they don’t want to be involved with such a thing.
These images from popular culture have been continuously reinforced for younger people by one new TV comedy after the next. In almost all of these the male is a dishonest and self absorbed personality. Many of the wives are something less than great role models too.
I wish to present an alternate take on traditional marriage. I will be speaking from the Biblical marital writings, which are the primary source authority on this topic. I will not be basing conclusions upon personal observation of marriage in American society.
Now let’s take a look…
I. God designed marriage: (based on Genesis 2:19-25)
It was in the very beginning of human history that God very profoundly illustrated His intention and design for marriage. Observe now as the almighty creates the first marriage. (Read and narrate the passage)
Sub points:
A. 1. “Rib” is the Hebrew word “Yom”, which actually means “part”, not “rib”. (Explain the implications of the genetic code here, and of her coming from his side.)
2. In Hebrew “Woman” and “Man” are both “Adamah”. The separate words here are from the English translators. In the original, the word for both is the same! This is how close, in God’s perfect design, the husband and wife are to be!
3. Upon marrying, our primary focus changes from our relationship with our parents, and becomes the one with our wife or husband. Oneness between a married couple is important on multiple levels in God’s design. We are to leave home, cleave to our spouse, and become one, physically, emotionally, and in our goals, walking together in vital relationship with God.
B. 1. (Read Genesis 1:26-28) Dominion over the Earth as responsible stewards under God was given to “Man”, not meaning male, but male and female, who are together created in God’s Image.
2. The having of children is part of God’s design for marriage. Much of the thrust of our society today, de-values this, to the point that the population is now actually falling in many western nations, and is barely at replacement level in the USA among whites and blacks, being slightly below it for whites, and slightly above for blacks.
Summation of Genesis accounts: Marriage was not designed to produce bondage, boredom, or any of these things. God originally designed it in such a way that one man and one woman would complete each other and go about the business of doing God’s good and beautiful will in the Earth.
II. It was sin, which messed up this beautiful, balanced, empowering marital design. After sin became part of human nature through the fall, people became basically self centered. Certain things regarding this, re recorded for us in Old Testament history; things which were, and which continue to be clear violations of God's will and design for people.
A. Polygamy: This is not much of an issue in the USA today, but it starting to be accepted and promoted in some circles. By the time of Abraham, polygamy was widely practiced. A man would often marry two sisters, and sometimes would have four or more wives in all. Every time the Bible mentions such relationships, it always makes clear that there was trouble. The rivalries among the wives of the Patriarchs were sad and de-humanizing. Many messages could be preached on the lessons we can learn from these negative and often tragic situations. It is clear that God’s design from the beginning had not changed from that outlined in Genesis 1 and 2. Polygamy always produces bitter fruit, especially in the hearts of women, each one of whom should be the unique focus of her husband’s love.
B. Easy Divorce: Divorce is provided for in the Law given through Moses. Nevertheless, the reason for this inclusion was the hardness of people’s hearts. This is something that Jesus made perfectly clear. (Read Mark 10:1-9) In many patriarchal societies, husbands are able to divorce with ease, even with a simple statement. This is a great evil! It reflects an attitude, widespread and even codified in some religions, which places women far below the exalted place God intends for them. That place is being co-heirs with their husbands of the grace of God. There are instances when after exhausting all other options, divorce is needed; but most of these situations have to do with the intractable abuse or abandonment, not with lesser issues, and certainly not with selfish issues
These days, the “easy divorce” thing is also often exercised by women. The legal system in our nation today makes it very easy to shut the husband out of one’s life. Unfortunately, many of the women, and men as well, who pursue easy divorces today, are professing Christians. They either do not understand the deep covenant nature of marriage, which makes the two one, or they ignore the seriousness of this, and just go with the cultural flow in getting out of their marriage for any old reason.
C. Homosexual Practices: (Romans 1:24-27) From the start, homosexual practice has never been God’s will. In Old Testament times it was a capital offence. In societies where it has become dominant, a sexual militancy always eventually develops, particularly with males. History shows that they come to feel entitled to have other men, teens, and revoltingly, even boys sexually. Sometimes coercive group situations arise from this. The city-state of Sodom had reached this point when Lot was living there. Prisons often get like this, and forcible male on male rape is the end result.
In certain home situations, boys tend to grow up confused about their gender role. This is especially true in homes where the father is distant and unpleasable, or missing, or where the mother is very dominant. Boys in such situations often reach puberty very vulnerable to anything that will produce male bonding, particularly with those a few years older than they are. The bonding need can easily become eroticized through the actions of the older male.
This chain of events has become far more widespread since two things became prevalent in our culture.
1. With the advent of the modern corporation, career took over as top love in the life of many upwardly mobile fathers. Career thus became an end in itself, rather than a means to the end of providing for those a man is called to provide for, protect, and train.
2. Homosexual practices became socially acceptable, even trendy in some circles, especially in media and academia. This, of course, leads to many more people embracing such a way of living.
Romans Chapter 1 outlines the downward spiral that leads to a societal rise in homosexual practice. Exodus International, and its many affiliates nationwide, is living proof that men can and do get totally healed from such desires. Many thousands of former homosexuals are doing great today in God pleasing marriages. Many children are being lovingly raised in these homes. However, there are many in our culture today who consider anything such as I just read, anything which goes against the so called Gay Agenda, to be hate speech.
D. Sex Outside of Marriage: (I Corinthians 6:18-20) Cohabitation apart from marriage is another widespread problem today. God’s word has always been clear that sex is a gift reserved for use within the covenant relationship and security of marriage. Cohabitation can never provide a woman with the rock-ribbed security and a sense of being loved by another who puts your needs even ahead of his own. It is only “pretend” marriage. God goes even father than this. He says to give no appearance of evil. Some professing Christians claim that they can co-habitate with their boyfriend or girlfriend, refrain from sex while living together this way, and that this is just fine. It isn’t It is an appearance of evil to everyone in the community. It is sin.
Cohabitation has an even uglier cousin called casual sex. With the advent of the modern welfare state, many men from the low end of the economic spectrum simply take no responsibility at all for those they father. Many young people today don’t even know their father. This situation is likely to breed contempt for proper family life. The young men who have grown up this way, tend to treat women as sex objects, not as precious human beings who bear the image of God. The young women from such backgrounds do not understand that their sexuality is a precious gift designed by God for their husband. Therefore, they give themselves away cheaply, in exchange for some level of acceptance, and the cycle of babies not having a stable two parent home, where responsibleness is modeled, is perpetuated.
By the way, there are plenty of middle class and rich guys who act this way too. They may even come from a stable and relatively healthy home background, but they are just going with the flow of our society today which says sex is just for fun. The party girls who go along with such an approach by men, also tend to think the freedom and lack of restrictions is great, for a short while. Later on, as the clock ticks down, they realize that they have not received the love and security they so yearn to know.
III. Solutions:
How can marriage, in our day and age, be made to recapture the beauty God designed for it in the beginning? For married couples who are submitted to God’s word, there are wonderful guidelines. Let’s look at these now.
Principles from Ephesians 5:21-33:
Mutual submissiveness:
Men and women cannot successfully enter into the Bible’s wise counsel for strong homes, unless they both first commit to this principle, found in Ephesians 5:21, of being mutually submissive. A God given tenderness is utterly needful for success at this business of marriage. If either partner is attempting to dominate and/or manipulate the marriage to self serving ends, the rest of this passage cannot work.
Wives submitting to their husbands:
Verses 22-24 are built on the foundation of 21. Women will be able to submit to a husband who is like the Lord. There is security in submitting to a husband who is loving and tender. When Paul wrote this part of the chapter, he was building upon verse 21. The apostle is not calling women to be doormats for tyrants. That is why verse 21 comes before verses 22-24.
Every man who walks the face of the Earth has some flaws. Perfection in a husband is not a prerequisite here. Agreement on every matter in married life is also not required before a woman is to obey these verses and be submissive to her husband who is seeking to walk with the Lord.
On the other hand, if a man is not following the Lord, and he seeks to pull his wife into sin, she must not submit to that. She must gently and graciously decline. In counseling, I have heard women say that they engaged in shop lifting only because their husband asked them to do so. They thought that God required them to submit to their husbands even in a matter such as this. This is wrong thinking. Every godly principle is couched within the framework of right living and of obedience to the moral commandments which God gave us, such as “You shall not steal.”
Husbands loving their wives:
Verses 25-33 deal with the man. This husband section is longer. God knew that it was more needed. Women naturally are responders to real love. Men need to be initiators of the same. Each man in Christ must put his wife, not career, not sports, not our buddies, and especially not flirting with and “impressing” other women, at the center of his Earthly pursuits.
The fact that the average man has 50% more upper body muscle mass than the average woman does, is an indicator of how very important it is for that man to interact with his spouse in such a way that she feels protected and secure in his strength. It is a terrible sin for a man to cause a woman to be fearful of his physical strength. Husbands are instead called to wash their wives with the water of the word of God, just as Jesus washes his bride, the Church, with the same substance.
Conclusion: Commitment based on Conviction
The kingpin in all of these principles for keeping marriages going long enough to see improvement and healing take place is commitment that is based on conviction. God says that the husband and wife are no longer two but one. This is very strong wording and it reflects a very strong intent of God’s part. The courage of this conviction should bring every married believer in Jesus Christ to a determination to never get divorced if at all possible. Separate due to danger, yes, even legal separation, but an understanding of God’s plan will bring about a level of conviction which promotes serious prayer, fasting, bringing trusted mature people into the situation for counsel, the facilitation of repentance where needed, and accountability. This also leads to a stand to not have anything to do with another man or another woman on an emotional level, to say nothing of a deep daily contact. The believer with convictions about God’s design and will for marriage, will be tough and resilient in the face of difficulty.
