Stewart Ruch, a pastor in Wheaton, Illinois, talks about the “huge gap” between the ideal and the real in our everyday lives, using a family outing as an example. You see, every fall his family likes to go apple picking.
Now, for the Ruch family, the ideal day for apple picking is when the leaves are golden and rusty, the sky is beautiful, and it's 75 degrees. They all pile into the van and start singing and laughing as they merrily drive to the orchard. They arrive early in the morning with plenty of time to enjoy the orchard. Surprisingly, the folks at the apple orchard say, “Today apples are free for families.” So the kids guzzle apple cider and stuff themselves with apple donuts – and they don't even get a sugar high! Finally, after a perfect day at the orchard, they drive home as the children keep saying, “Wow, thanks, Mom and Dad!”
But, Pastor Ruch says, the real day often looks like this. It's a disaster from the start. They leave at least two hours late. The apple orchard closes at 5 P.M., they’re leaving at 3 P.M., and it takes an hour-and-half to get there, but dad bark at everyone, “We're going, so get in the car!” They missed lunch because they were scrambling to get everything done. With blood sugar levels plummeting, mom and dad start arguing. He thinks it's her fault that they're leaving late; she says it's his fault. They keep arguing until the kids interrupt because now they're arguing with each other. Dad turns around and snaps at the kids, “Knock it off! I'm arguing with your mom.”
When they pull into the apple orchard, they only have thirty minutes before closing time. So dad tells the kids, “Hurry up, so you can have some fun.” At that time of the day all the good apples are gone, and nothing is free. The entrance fee is outrageous, so they all pile back into the van and it is already dark. On the way home, they finally get their apples: they stop at McDonald's for an apple pie. (Stewart Ruch, Shaping the World of Each Child, www.PreachingToday.com)
Unfortunately, that’s real life with real people in real families. We’re all real sinners, so there are going to be times when there are real damages to our relationships. And yet, even then, real reconciliation is possible. We can still live in real peace with each other despite the confines of our very real lives.
That’s what happened to Joseph and his brothers. They had sold him into slavery, because they were jealous of the special attention their father paid to him. So Joseph, at the age of 17, starts off as a slave in Egypt. Then he is thrown into prison. But through a series of divine interventions, after 13 years, Joseph ends up as a powerful ruler in Egypt, 2nd only to Pharaoh himself.
22 years after selling him into slavery, Joseph’s brothers come to Egypt to buy food for their families who are starving. It’s the second time they have come, because a severe drought has ravaged their homeland for two years. Thus they find themselves dealing with a powerful, Egyptian ruler that they don’t know is Joseph himself.
Though he feeds them from his own table and provides generously for them, he accuses them of being spies and thieves. On their first trip, he imprisoned one of them, and this time he threatens to keep another one of them as his slave. Judah pleads for his brother’s freedom, offering himself as a slave instead, and it’s more than Joseph can bear. He breaks down in tears and they are all reunited in one of the most moving stories of reconciliation I have ever read.
If you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Genesis 45, Genesis 45, where we see how Joseph and his brothers were reconciled and how we might find reconciliation in any of our broken or damaged relationships.
Genesis 45:1-3 Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone leave my presence!” So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it. Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still living?” But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence. (NIV)
They’re sure he’s going to get revenge.
Genesis 45:4-10 Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come close to me.” When they had done so, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. “So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt. Now hurry back to my father and say to him, ‘This is what your son Joseph says: God has made me lord of all Egypt. Come down to me; don’t delay. You shall live in the region of Goshen and be near me—you, your children and grandchildren, your flocks and herds, and all you have. (NIV)
Goshen is some of the best land in all Egypt. It is a very fertile area in the eastern part of the Nile delta, and it is close to Joseph’s court. Joseph invites his brothers to live near him.
Genesis 45:11-15 I will provide for you there, because five years of famine are still to come. Otherwise you and your household and all who belong to you will become destitute.’ “You can see for yourselves, and so can my brother Benjamin, that it is really I who am speaking to you. Tell my father about all the honor accorded me in Egypt and about everything you have seen. And bring my father down here quickly.” Then he threw his arms around his brother Benjamin and wept, and Benjamin embraced him, weeping. And he kissed all his brothers and wept over them. Afterward his brothers talked with him. (NIV)
After 22 years of animosity, distrust and separation, these brothers come together with all of that gone. They’re weeping and hugging and kissing each another, and they’re closer to one other than they’ve ever been before. This is real reconciliation – not a pretense of “everything is fine” when it’s not. They are truly and genuinely together again with absolutely no tension or unresolved issues between them. Tell me…
How were they able to come together after so many years apart? How were they able to experience real reconciliation? & How can we experience real reconciliation in our broken relationships? Well, like Joseph’s brothers, if we want to be truly reconciled to one another, then 1st of all we must…
CONFESS OUR OWN SINS.
We must acknowledge what wrongs we have done to contribute to the break in our relationships. Or as we saw in the last chapter, we must admit and quit our sins. We must own up to our part of the problem and demonstrate a change in attitude and behavior.
Reconciliation was impossible for Joseph and his brothers until one of them admitted, “God has uncovered our guilt” (in Genesis 44:16). Then he pleaded with Joseph (in Genesis 44:33), “Let your servant remain here as my lord’s slave in place of the boy.” Instead of getting rid of another favored son, he offered to be enslaved in his place. These brothers not only admitted their guilt, they demonstrated a real change in attitude, and that opened the floodgate of tears. Joseph not only wept, he revealed himself to them and embraced them as dearly loved brothers.
My dear friends, if we want to see real reconciliation, then there must be a real confession of our own sins.
Andy Stanley says he used to do a lot of marriage counseling where often one spouse would come in his office and start ranting and raving, “My husband does this …;” or “My wife never will do that…;” and on and on it would go. Stanley would sit there thinking, “This counseling isn't going to be very effective, because the person who apparently needs to change isn't even in the room.”
So he would get a pad of paper, draw a circle on it, and say, “This is a pie that represents all the chaos in your marriage. Now, 100 percent of the blame is in that pie, because that's where all the chaos is.” He would give them a pen and say, “I want you to draw a slice of pie that you think represents your responsibility for the chaos.” The piece of pie that that client would draw was never very big, but Stanley would say, “Okay. So why don't you and I talk about just this. Let's talk about this piece that is your responsibility. Let's talk about your slice.” You know what? Stanley says his approach never worked, because he could never get anybody to stay on his or her slice of the pie.
Here’s the point: When you experience relational conflict at work, at home, with your friends – any conflict of any sort, big or small – stop and think about your own slice of the pie. Ask yourself, “What is in my slice of the pie? Have I taken responsibility for my part in the chaos, really, or am I just playing the blame game so I don’t have to deal with my own problems.”
Andy Stanley says, “In any relationship, if you can ever get the two parties to own their piece of the pie, you can make progress. But if everybody is focused on the other person's slice of the pie, you will just have chaos.” (Andy Stanley, Let the Blames Begin, www.PreachingToday.com)
So dear friends, stop playing the blame game. Start taking responsibility for your own sins, and you will begin to see healing in your relationships. If we want to see real reconciliation in our broken relationships, then 1st of all we must confess our own sins. More than that, if we want to restore broken relationships, we must…
FORGIVE THOSE WHO SIN AGAINST US.
We must, as an act of the will, refuse to retaliate for the wrongs done to us. Instead, we must choose to return good for evil as God gives us opportunity.
That’s what Joseph did. Otherwise, he would have never been reconciled to his brothers. Joseph could have enslaved his brothers for selling him into slavery. Instead, he feeds them a feast from his own table (Genesis 43:34); he invites them to live near him in the best part of the land (Genesis 45:10), and he promises to provide for them through five more years of famine (Genesis 45:11).
Joseph truly forgave his brothers, and that’s what we must do if we want true healing in our relationships.
In the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, Sven Kramer, the Netherlands' superstar skater was competing in the finals for the 10,000 meter race. He skated the 25 times around the rink so well that he set an Olympic record time of 12:54.50. He finished a full 4 seconds ahead of the second place skater. He was thrilled. The week before, he had won gold in the 5,000 meter race. Now he had won a second Olympic gold medal, representing a country that adores speed skating.
He was a national hero, but not for long. Moments after Kramer crossed the finish line, his coach Gerard Kemkers approached him and broke the unthinkable news. Kramer had been disqualified from the race. With eight laps to go, he had changed lanes improperly. It was a bitter pill for Kramer to swallow, especially since it was his coach who had told him to change lanes. He had no plans to change lanes when he did, but his coach called out for him to change. It was the first time he had ever received lane-change directions from a coach. In a situation when a split-second decision had to be made, Kramer trusted his coach, and it cost him an Olympic gold medal.
Kramer was devastated, but so was his coach. Coach Kemkers said, “It was the worst moment in my career. My world collapsed. Sven was right. I was wrong.” He admitted his guilt, no if’s and’s or but’s.
So there you have it – a coach buried in guilt and his star skater angry at his coach. A trust was betrayed. Can they ever work together again? Can there ever be reconciliation?
Well, the next day Sven Kramer told the media that he had forgiven his coach, and they would continue working together. Kramer said, “The past few years have been too good. We have won so much together. You can't just throw that away.” (Brian Hamilton, “One lane change changes everything,” Chicago Tribune, 2-24-10, sect. 2, pp. 1, 8; www.PreachingToday.com)
Sure, there was reconciliation, because there was an admission of wrong AND there was forgiveness, as well. It takes BOTH to genuinely heal broken relationships. We must be willing to own up to our part of the chaos, AND we must be willing to forgive another’s offense.
But sometimes that’s very hard if not impossible to do, especially when the offense causes a lot of pain. I mean how could Joseph forgive his brothers when their actions caused him 13 years of slavery and imprisonment?
Well, the answer is found in Joseph’s words to his brothers after he revealed himself to them. No less than three times, Joseph tells his brothers, “GOD sent me here.” Let me read those verses again.
Genesis 45:5-8a And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that GOD SENT ME ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. But GOD SENT ME ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. “So then, it was NOT YOU WHO SENT ME HERE, BUT GOD. (NIV)
Joseph was able to forgive his brothers, because he believed that God was in charge of his life, not his brothers. They meant him harm, but God meant it for good to save Joseph’s family, and in the grand scheme of things, to preserve the line through whom the Messiah, the Savior of the world would come.
Joseph truly believed that God was in control of his life, working all things together for good, and that’s what we must do if we’re going to be able to forgive others like Joseph forgave his brothers. If we want to see real reconciliation, we must really…
BELIEVE THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL.
We must trust that God has our best interests at heart, and rely on Him to use even the hurtful things to bring about tremendous benefit.
The Bible says, “[God] works out EVERYTHING in conformity with the purpose of his will” (Ephesians 1:11). Not just the good things, EVERYTHING! That includes the bad things as well. That includes even those things that others do to hurt us.
Romans 8:28 makes it very clear: “We know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him…” Again, it is not just in the good things. It is in ALL things that God works for the good, including the sinful actions of others, including the hurtful words, including the betrayal of a close friend or brother.
Jesus said of Judas, who betrayed Him, “The hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed, but woe to that man who betrays him” (Luke 22:21-22). Before time began, God decreed that Jesus would be betrayed. It was all a part of God’s plan from the very beginning.
Think about it. The cross was the greatest injustice and the grossest evil ever committed by sinful, human people, but even that was planned by God way before it happened.
In Acts 2, Peter declares, “Men of Israel, listen to this: Jesus of Nazareth was a man accredited by God to you by miracles, wonders and signs, which God did among you through him, as you yourselves know. This man was handed over to you by God’s set purpose and foreknowledge; and you, with the help of wicked men, put him to death by nailing him to the cross” (Acts 2:22-23).
Again, in Acts 4, the believers in Jerusalem are praying, and they say, “Indeed Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in this city to conspire against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed. They did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen” (Acts 4:27-28).
God had decided beforehand that Jesus would die on a cross, because it was all a part of His plan to save us from our sins. God used Joseph’s betrayal to save people’s lives, but God used Jesus’ betrayal to save our souls.
All we need to do is confess our own sins to Him and depend on Him to deliver us from all our sins.
The cross was the greatest evil ever committed by sinful, human people, but it was part of God’s plan to bring about the greatest good we could ever experience – the salvation of our souls for all eternity. That’s why Jesus could cry from the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they know don’t know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
Like Joseph, Jesus knew that God was working out His plan. So He was able to forgive us even as he hung there dying on an old, rugged cross, and it’s the only way we will be able to forgive people today.
At the core of our being, we must believe that GOD is in control, not those who have hurt us. We must believe that GOD has planned to use even their hurtful actions to accomplish His good purposes in our lives.
For if indeed God used the greatest evil ever committed by sinful, human people – the cross of Christ – then He can certainly use any of the lesser evils we experience to accomplish His good, acceptable, and perfect will in our lives. That’s the kind of faith that helps us forgive.
In the 4th Century, during the days of the “desert fathers,” who sought to bring spiritual renewal to the church, a young man came to Sisoes, his spiritual mentor. The young man blurted out, “I was hurt by my brother in Christ, and now I'm angry and I want to avenge myself.”
The older man tried to comfort him, but he also gave him a gentle warning: “Don't do that, my child. Rather, leave vengeance to God.”
But the young Christian refused to listen to Sisoes. Instead, he became even angrier and raising his voice, he said, “I will not quit until I get even.”
When Sisoes saw that reason alone wouldn't change the young man's heart, he quietly said, “Let us pray, brother.”
After a pause, Sisoes offered the following prayer: “O God, apparently we no longer need you to take care of us since we can now avenge ourselves. From now on we can manage our own lives without your help.”
When the young man heard this prayer, he immediately repented. Falling at Sisoes feet, he cried out, “Have mercy on me. I am not going to fight my brother anymore.” (Yushi Nomura, Desert Wisdom, Orbis Books, 2001, p.53; www.PreachingToday.com)
When he realized that God was in control, he could forgive his brother.
My dear friends, if we want real reconciliation and healing in our broken relationships, then we must confess our own sins to one another; we must forgive those who sinned against us; but none of that is possible until we truly believe that God is in control.
Max Lucado writes about a big, muscle-bound man named Daniel who was swindled by his own brother. He vowed that if he ever saw him again, he would break his neck. A few months later, Daniel became a Christian. Even so, he couldn't forgive his brother. One day, the inevitable encounter took place on a busy avenue. This is how Daniel described what happened:
I saw him, but he didn't see me. I felt my fists clench and my face get hot. My initial impulse was to grab him around the throat and choke the life out of him. But as I looked into his face, my anger began to melt. For as I saw him, I saw the image of my father. I saw my father's eyes. I saw my father's look. I saw my father's expression. And as I saw my father in his face, my enemy once again became my brother.
The brother found himself wrapped in those big arms – but in a hug. The two stood in the middle of the river of people and wept. Daniel's words bear repeating: “When I saw the image of my father in his face, my enemy became my brother.” (Max Lucado, The Applause of Heaven, Word, 1990, pp. 114-116; www.PreachingToday.com)
My dear friends, see the image of your Heavenly Father in your enemies. Then, and only then, will you be able to embrace them as your friends.
