“How To Experience A Maximum Marriage”
May 1. 2011 . Linwood Community Church . AM Service . Pastor Chris Gregas
Text: Malachi 2:10-16
I have had the privilege of counseling hundreds of couples in my lifetime. Janet and I have ourselves had the privilege of receiving marriage counseling at different times in our marriage journey. My mother and father were married for almost 50 years, though I do not believe that the majority of those years were what you could call a “God-honoring” marriage. They survived, they loved each other in there own way, but there marriage did not “thrive.” I have learned over the years, that LENGTH of marriage has little to do with STRENGTH of marriage. Another words, is your marriage, is my marriage SOURING or SOARING? Is it getting BETTER or is it getting more BITTER? Is it more of a “business arrangement” or is it a marriage that Christ is in the middle of.
What I am going to share this morning are PRINCIPLES that we agree on as a couple. Principles that we know are TRUE and we know WORK. Jan and I are very open to helping others in their marriage relationship. Not because we believe we are the model. Far from it. Not because we believe our relationship is fail proof or better than every other marriage. That would be the height of PRIDE! We have survived the bruises and scars of marriage and by the grace of God we have come out the other side better and humble.
We are only interested in GIVING OUT what God in His grace has DEPOSITED into us. We owe God that much. He has been very gracious and merciful to us in our marriage. Freely we have received. We must freely give.
I would like to share with you some truths that we are mindful of regularly. These truths must be known and lived out if WE are going to have a “great marriage” as opposed to just a business arrangement that sadly, so many Christian couples have.
SPECIAL NOTE: Now for those who are not married YET here, please don’t tune me out this morning. These principles are for you as well and you never know when you are going to need them!!!
Principles that allow every married couple to have a MAXIMUM MARRIAGE:
Principle #1: Marriage is God’s idea and it only works when we follow His program. Therefore – BE OBEDIENT!
Marriage is God’s idea. Let’s start there. I think our society has been duped into believing that marriage is a “man-made” idea and the thought especially in the Western world is – WE NEED TO GET RID OF IT. Or it needs to be open to the SAME SEX or it JUST ISN’T NEEDED because LIVING TOGETHER is the same thing and it is cheaper!
LISTEN: God invented marriage and He presided & officiated over the first one in history.
As the INVENTOR of marriage ……..
-He understands how it works therefore we must KNOW & DO what His word says in regard to marriage.
(i.e. Heb. 13:4 says, 4 Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.)
Q. Do you think there are consequences to committing adultery on your spouse? Does God know what He is saying when it comes to “preserving” marriage? That is a no brainer really.
As the INVENTOR of marriage ……
-We must understand that marriage does not work without following God’s program.
Show me a Christian couple or a couple period that either ignores God in their marriage or doesn’t give Him first place in their marriage – and I will show you a business arrangement and a marriage that is headed for disaster and at the very least – real unhappiness!
Principle #2: Marriage is never the problem, the problem lies with the two people that share marriage – BE HUMBLE!
Listen: Marriage is God’s idea and all of God’s ideas are perfect and ideal!
To say that marriage doesn’t work or it is a silly idea or its better days have come and gone is to miss the point ENTIRELY! You see the idea of two people coming together for life in a marriage partnership is not only a God-like idea but it is perfectly what we need!
The PROBLEM: The two people in it! We are the fly in the ointment! We are the one’s who mess it up. God cannot be BLAMED for our sinful make-up and selfish living – CAN HE?
Think about this!!!! Two people from different backrounds, with different likes and dislikes, with different world views, with different family and marriage expectations, with sinful hearts, with prideful hearts, with hurts and abuses that often are never dealt with, who are on different levels spiritually – IS IT ANY WONDER THAT ANY MARRIAGE LASTS?
These challenges and great differences PROVE ONE THING: WE NEED CHRIST IN OUR MARRIAGE.
WE NOT ONLY NEED HIM BUT I WANT TO GO A STEP FURTHER…….
Principle #3: Marriage only works when the “pyramid effect” is working– BE FOCUSED!
I want to define what I call the “pyramid effect” in marriage?
Answer: It is both spouses pursuing Jesus personally and together!
Imagine a TRIANGLE OR A PYRAMID………
GLUE OF MARRIAGE – JESUS CHRIST
HUSB. WIFE
Thoughts about this “pyramid” principle………….
1. The farthest away the couple is from each other spiritually is at the BOTTOM of the pyramid. Challenge!
2. The more each couple individually and as a couple pursue Christ up the pyramid, the closer they get to one another.
3. Jesus is the focal point of every marriage and when He is most wanted, He is most needed!
Q. Are you faithfully (I did not say perfectly) pursuing Jesus in your life and marriage? Really and truly? I know He is resident in your marriage but have you given Him the role of – President?
DO YOU WANT ENJOY A MARRIAGE THAT GOD CAN SMILE AT?
Principle #4: Marriage is only as great as the spiritual health of each spouse.– BE DEVOTED!
There is today what the kids in school are learning called “New Math.” It is a new way to do the old things that we used to do. Is it better? I don’t know, it seems to be solid but that is not my point here. In a similar way, We in the culture and in the church SADLY have adopted what I call “new or fuzzy math” when it comes to marriage!
It goes like this.
Spiritually/Emotionally Unhealthy Spouse + Spiritually/Emotionally Unhealthy Spouse = Healthy Marriage!
What is wrong with that LOGIC?
It doesn’t even ADD UP! You cannot have a healthy, godly marriage if there is sickness and pain running thru the veins of it!
LISTEN: A Christian marriage is a SPIRITUAL partnership and only as the spiritual health of each spouse is growing strong – can the marriage work on all cylinders!
That is why I say to couples when they come to me for marriage counseling because their marriage in their mind - is heading for potential disaster:
“You do not have a marriage-relationship problem. You have a Christ-relationship problem. GET THAT RIGHT and your marriage will get where it needs to be and you will be pleased with the results!
REMINDER: DISEASE is the absence of HEALTH in the body. Get HEALTH in the body, many times the DISEASE will dissipate or even leave. The same is true of marriage. PURSUE SPIRITUAL HEALTH NOT A BETTER MARRIAGE and you will find the strangest thing – a more Christ-honoring relationship. A better marriage. A marriage that is healthy enough to EXPORT to other married couples.
Principle #5: Marriage is a COVENANT before God to be kept not a CONTRACT of man to be severed. BE COMMITTED!
“Though marriages are meant to last a lifetime, they can deteriorate rather quickly.
I like what someone calls the seven stages of a cold for a married couple. The first year of marriage, the husband says, ‘Honey, I’m worried about my little girl. You have a bad sniffle. I want to put you in the hospital for a complete checkup. I know the food is terrible there, but I have arranged for meals for you to be sent in from Hanson’s. Yummy! The second year: ‘Listen, sweetheart, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’ve called the doctor and he said I can bring you in this afternoon. Just rest in bed until it’s time go.’ The third year: ‘Maybe you should lie down, dear. I’ll make supper tonight. Do we have any cans of soup in the house?’ The Fourth year: ‘Look, dear be sensible. After you have fed the kids and washed the dishes, you should go to bed.’ The Fifth year: ‘Why don’t you take a couple of aspirin. The Sixth year: “Please gargle, or something, instead of sitting there barking like a seal. I think I’ll sleep on the couch tonight. The Seventh year: ‘Would you stop sneezing. What are you trying to do, give me pneumonia? You better sleep on the couch tonight.’”
Malachi, in a day very much like ours, where marriage was disposable and the attitude of commitment was very poor reminds us that MARRIAGE is a FAITHFUL COVENANT we enter into with God Almighty. It is not a flimsy contract that we sign on our wedding day and in the back of our minds we reason, “I hope this works out. If not, oh well. The grass is greener somewhere else!”
I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW THAT KIND OF THINKING IS – SO SAD TO THE HEART OF GOD!
Commitment, not to each other so much but COMMITMENT to the covenant that we made with God on our wedding day - is the GLUE that keeps a marriage together and the GLUE that gives us the resolve to do anything – TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE WORK AND THRIVE, to the glory of God!
Principle #6: Marriage has a TRUE ENEMY and it is not your spouse. -BE SPIRITUALLY ALERT!
I WANT YOU TO SAY THIS WITH ME…….. “My spouse is not my ENEMY, Satan is my ENEMY!”
Now turn to your SPOUSE and say, “You are not my enemy; Satan is my enemy and he wants to destroy us!
-Your real enemy in life is SATAN and he wants to murder your marriage, steal your marriage and destroy your marriage. How can he do it?
Two ways: Through your own choice or thru your spouses own choice – that’s it! That is why you must work as a TEAM and team, I want to remind you - has no “I” in it!
The scriptures are clear: “We wrestle not against anything with flesh.”
Stop BLAMING each other for your marriage. Stop blaming each other for your kids problems. Stop blaming each other for your money problems. Stop blaming each other and start standing against the devil – TOGETHER! The scriptures say that “if we [continue] to bit and devour each other, we will destroy each other.”
Q. How do we do that Pastor Chris? By standing on God’s word together and by joining in prayer against the activities of the Enemy together! Listen: When two people are paddling in the same direction, they don’t have time to pick on each other as to whether the one is paddling the right way or not!!!You have to believe God and you must lean on Him all thru your marriage or the Devil is going to each your family for lunch! It’s coming if you don’t heed my words this morning and great is the heartache and great is the wreckage!!!
Principle #7: Marriage needs to be “Plan A” which means that it needs to be #1 Priority. - BE CAREFUL.
Dr. Neil Anderson, in his classic work, Victory Over The Darkness is very helpful in understanding this 7th Principle. His thoughts permeate this 7th Principle.
So I know that Plan “A:” is Chris, but WHAT IS “PLAN B”???
“Plan B” is anything else that competes with “Plan A”!
“Plan B” would be your CHILDREN, your IN-LAWS, your PAST, your JOB, your EXPECTATIONS, your SEXUAL DESIRES – anything that comes in between your marriage and God being in the middle of it!
Plan A is living God’s way by faith.
Plan B is living our way by humanistic reasoning.
Prov. 3:5,6 “Trust in the Lord with your heart (Plan A) and lean not on your own understanding (Plan B); in all your ways aknowledge Him…” (Plan A)
The strength of Plan A is determined by your personal belief that God’s ways are always right and by how committed you are to Him. The strength of Plan B is determined by the amount of time and energy you invest in entertaining thoughts that do not line up with God’s word.
How does this work in a marriage?
God’s plan is for a one woman for one man commitment for life. It doesn’t always turn out that way but that is God’s ideal and desire.
Now suppose a Christian wife begins to think, I don’t know if this marriage is going to last. Just in case it doesn’t, I’d better get a better job to secure my future and not be forever dependant on my husband. OR suppose a man or a woman decides that the grass is greener somewhere else and they launch off into an emotional affair that will in time lead to physical adultery.
What do you think is happening here? Plan B is being fed. Plan A is being starved. Plan A is God has given us the victory over any and all temptation. Plan B is refusing to believe and receive that and giving temptation fertile ground to grow Satanic roots!!
Listen: Any commitment to PLAN B on the part of a spouse DECREASES their commitment to PLAN A! Did you get that??? If you are ½ in and ½ out of your marriage, what plan do you think is going to be more alluring and possible to follow?
In a marriage, the more time and effort you give to thinking and acting on your OWN PLANS, the less likely you are going to pursue and follow God’s plan. THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS!! You and I can rationalize this but we cannot deny it! The culture, your own flesh and the devil will keep you off balanced and double-minded if you do not stay COMMITTED TO PLAN A which in this message is – YOUR COVENANT MARRIAGE!
Lastly, how can you and I experience a maximum marriage – the kind of marriage we can EXPORT to others?
Principle #8: Marriage is not enjoyed when we are trying to fix each other. God alone can “fix” our spouses as we commit them to prayer. -BE PRAYERFUL.
The first 10 years of our marriage, I tried to fix my spouse and guess what? It not only didn’t work but it worked us almost out of our relationship.
Listen: Please listen!!! God never meant for each spouse to change the other. ONLY GOD CAN CHANGE US – PERMENANTLY!!!!
Look at what Paul said to the Corinthians – “I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow. 7 It’s not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What’s important is that God makes the seed grow.”
It is God that causes all things to grow! Never us! So we need to stop trying to make our spouse into our own creation. Hands off that is God’s work and His work – alone!
Q. How does God change or “fix” our spouse?
1. He is interested in changing or fixing US – first! The change always begins with US, not our spouse. We cannot seek to take the log out of our spouse’s eye when we may have a LARGE OAK in our lives contributing to the marriage madness!!! We must believe the old song, “It is ME, it is ME, Oh, Lord, STANDING IN THE NEED OF PRAYER!!!”
How does God change or “fix” our spouse?
2. Thru PRAYING WITH and FOR your spouse.
Q. How many of you who are married or who were married THINK that you are as effective a AS GOD in changing your spouse? Umha!!!
You know what we want when we get honest with ourselves – we want our spouse to be what WE WANT very often instead of what we NEED and what GOD WANTS! That’s it!
Marriage is not enjoyed when we are trying to fix each other. God alone can “fix” our spouses as we commit them to prayer.
Listen: “When we work, we work. But when we PRAY, GOD WORKS!” And he will do what you and I could never do in our marriage if we commit our marriage to the God who brought us together. That is a Promise from the mouth of God that we can take to the bank and cash!
WOULD YOU PRAY WITH ME?
