A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said, “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”
The young man replied, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. As I have been studying the Bible, I noticed that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
“Yes,” his father said, “but did you also notice that everywhere they went, they walked.” (Peg Beukema, Nyack, New York; www.PreachingToday.com)
Now, that dad was pretty sharp, trying to stay one step ahead of his children so he could give them the appropriate guidance.
It takes skill to be an effective leader in the home. It takes skill to guide your family in such a way that they respect your guidance and want to follow from the heart. In fact, it’s a skill which is transferable to effective leadership in any realm – not only in the family, but also in the church, at work, and in the community.
The question is: How? How can I earn the respect of my family and others I want to influence for God and for good? How can I lead in such a way that people, especially my children and grandchildren, want to follow from their own hearts?
Well, if you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to 1 Timothy 3, 1 Timothy 3, where the Bible gives us a long list of the qualities of an effective leader, but right smack dab in the middle of that list, it makes it very clear that such qualities are best demonstrated in the home. In other words, if anyone wants to be a true and effective leader in the church or anywhere else…
1 Timothy 3:4-5 says, "He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) -NIV
A man’s leadership abilities are tested in the home. In other words, if you want to find out whether or not a man is a good leader, just ask his wife and his children. Do they respect him? Do they want to follow his lead? Or do they resent his attempts to control and influence them?
Men, you can earn the heartfelt respect of your family and others just by paying attention to two words in these verses. The first word (in verse 4) is “manage,” and the second word (in verse 5) is “care.”
First, if you want to earn the heartfelt respect of your family and others, then you must…
LEAD YOUR FAMILY.
You must manage your family well. Literally, you must stand before them to guide and direct them. That’s what the word “manage” means in the original language. It pictures someone who “stands before” a group of people. He is in charge, and that is demonstrated by the willing obedience of those under him.
In the context of the home, “His children obey him with proper respect.” They do it willingly, not because they are forced to do it.
There was a little girl who was standing on her chair at the table, and her father told her repeatedly, “SIT DOWN!” But the little girl repeatedly refused to sit.
Finally, in anger, the father yanked her up off her chair, swatted her on the behind, and put her back in the chair. She was finally sitting, but in defiance she said to her dad, “I may be sitting on the outside, but I’m standing on the inside.”
Any man can get his children to obey on the outside. Just use brute force, coercion, or manipulation, but that’s not true leadership. The question is: Do a man’s children obey him on the inside as well as the outside? Do they obey him with “proper respect?”
Men, that’s entirely possible, but first of all you have to BE THERE. You have to BE THERE to stand before your family. You have to BE THERE in body AND in spirit to direct the affairs of your household.
Do not take a passive role in the home like most men in our culture do. Do not let your wife do all the work in managing the kids. Instead, YOU take the initiative to read to your children and bring them to church. YOU take the initiative to pray and play with your children. YOU take the initiative for the spiritual development of your children and grandchildren.
When our children were little, I read them two stories every night. I read them a regular story and a Bible story. Then I prayed with them before we sent them to bed. I saw it as my responsibility, not my wife’s, because that’s what leadership is all about.
It is NOT telling others what to do. It is taking responsibility. It is taking the initiative. It is going first to set the example for the rest of the family, inviting them to follow.
Dr. Tony Evans talks about a major league baseball superstar’s recollection of his boyhood home. He, his friends, and his father played baseball quite often in their backyard. As a result, the grass had really taken a beating. It didn’t look good anymore, unless you were a child looking for a nice place to play ball.
One day, as the kids and the father were playing and having a great time, the boy’s mother leaned out one of the windows and called, “Can’t you guys find somewhere else to play? You’re killing the grass.”
The man looked at his wife and answered, “Honey, we aren’t raising grass; we’re raising kids.” (Dr. Tony Evan, Bible Illustrator No. 1629-1631, 2/1993.7)
That man took charge of raising his children. He took the initiative. Sure, his wife helped, but that man knew it was HIS responsibility, not hers.
Men, if you want to earn the heartfelt respect of your family, then you must do the same. You must take the initiative in raising your children. You must be there to lead your family. You must be there to stand before them so you can show them the way.
Men, I cannot overemphasize the importance of this, because your influence is the key to your children’s well being, even more so than that of their mother. Whether you like it or not, you are the primary influencer in your home. & If you are not there to take an active role, then your children could very well be lost.
Dr. Paul Vitz, Professor of Psychology at New York University, studied the lives of more than a dozen of the world’s most influential atheists over the last four centuries. As a result, Vitz discovered they all had one thing in common: defective relationships with their fathers. Vitz defines “defective” fathers as those who were dead, abusive, weak, or who abandoned their children.
Sigmund Freud wrote that his father was a sexual pervert. Thomas Hobbes’s father was an Anglican clergyman who got into a fight with another man in the churchyard and, subsequently, abandoned his family. Ludwig Feuerbach, at age 13, was abandoned by his father, who openly took up living with another woman in a different town. Voltaire fought constantly with his father, causing him later to reject his surname.
Schopenhauer’s father committed suicide when he was 16. Both Bertrand Russell and Nietzsche lost their fathers at the age of four. Sartre’s father died before Sartre was born, and Camus was a year old when he lost his father. Hume also lost his father in early childhood. Hitler’s father was a violent man who unmercifully beat Adolf, his mother, and even the family dog; he died when Adolf was 14. Stalin’s father also administered brutal beatings to his son. (Professor Paul C. Vitz, “The Psychology of Atheism,” Truth Journal; www.PreachingToday.com)
Now, these are drastic examples, but the statistics on the general population just as drastically demonstrate the importance of a father’s role in a child’s life. Some time ago, the Department of Health and Human Services reported that girls without a father in their life are two-and-a-half times as likely to get pregnant and 53 percent more likely to commit suicide. Boys without a father in their life are 63 percent more likely to run away and 37 percent more likely to abuse drugs. Both girls and boys without father involvement are twice as likely to drop out of high school, twice as likely to end up in jail, and nearly four times as likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. (Health and Human Services Fatherhood Initiative, 6-18-99; www.PreachingToday. com)
A father’s active involvement in the lives of his children is vitally important! So men, if you don’t want your children to be lost, & if you want to earn their heartfelt respect, then you must take an active role in managing the affairs of your household. You must stand before them (often) to show them the way. In a word, you must LEAD your family. Then you must…
LOVE YOUR FAMILY, as well.
You must care for them too. You must put their needs above your own. If all we do is “take charge,” then we’re tyrants and people obey only because they feel forced to obey. But if we “take care,” then we’re true leaders and we earn the heartfelt respect of those under our care.
It’s the second word to which we must pay attention if we want to be effective leaders. It’s the word “care” in verse 5, and it’s the same word used of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10.
You remember him. He bandaged the wounds of a man left for dead. He poured medicine on his sores and took him to an inn. In a word, the Good Samaritan “cared” for a man the so-called leaders wouldn’t even get close to.
The priest, a religious leader, walked around him. The Levite, a political leader, also walked around him. Only a despised Samaritan cared for the man. And as such, he had an influence that still continues today as we think about what he did nearly 2000 years ago!
True leaders are lovers. And by that love they influence the next generations for years to come.
We don’t gain the respect of our families by demanding it. We don’t gain people’s respect by insisting that they submit. NO! We gain respect when we take the initiative to serve and love people whether or not they give us the respect we think we deserve.
I like the way Paul Carlson put it in Leadership Journal years ago. He said, “Your spiritual leadership begins at home. In dealing with the family, remember that you have been blessed by the Lord, not beatified. Don’t expect your wife to stop asking you to carry out the garbage. (Paul W. Carlson, Leadership, Vol. 2, no. 4; www.PreachingToday.com)
We earn the heartfelt respect of our families by serving them, not by demanding our rights as (quote) “the head of the house.” That’s the way we earn respect in any context – not by demanding it, but by serving those God calls us to lead.
Philippians 2 makes it very clear: Jesus earns the respect of the whole world, not by hanging onto his rights as God, but by emptying Himself of all those rights and stooping to serve even to the point of death on a cross. “Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father” (Philippians 2:6-11).
Mark 10 says, “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45).
That’s how Jesus earns the respect of the whole world. He didn’t wait for us to come up to Him – we never could! Instead, He came down to us, spent time with us, and died for us so we could live with Him forever. All we have to do is trust Him as our Savior from sin.
David Elkind, a psychologist, tells the story of visiting his middle son’s nursery school class, at the request of his teacher. She wanted him to observe a “problem child” in the class.
While he was there, he caught a conversation between his son and some other boys.
There conversation went like this. Child A: “My daddy is a doctor and he makes lots of money and we have a swimming pool.”
Child B: “My daddy is a lawyer and he flies to Washington and talks to the president.”
Child C: “My daddy owns a company and we have our own airplane.”
Then David Elkind’s boy said, “My daddy is here!” And he proudly looked in his father’s direction. (James S. Hewett, Illustrations Unlimited, p.197)
Dads, your presence means more than anything else to your children - more than your money, more than your position at work, more than the toys you buy them. Your time means more to them than anything else, because it says, “I care.”
If you want to earn the heartfelt respect of your family, then you must lead them AND love them. Manage them well, but make sure they know you care for them too.
David Kraft was a big, strong man – all muscle. At the age of 32, he was six feet, two inches tall and weighed 200 pounds. He had been to seminary and ended up working with the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, because of his athletic background.
Then he was diagnosed with cancer. It wracked his body, and over a period of time, he dropped from 200 pounds to 80 pounds.
When he was about ready to pass from this life into eternity, he asked his father to come into his hospital room. Lying there in bed, he looked up and said, “Dad, do you remember when I was a little boy, how you used to hold me in your arm close to your chest?”
David’s father nodded. Then David said, “Do you think, Dad, you could do that one more time? One last time?”
Again his father nodded. He bent down to pick up his 32-year-old, six-foot, two-inch, 80 pound son, and held him close to his chest, so that the son’s face was right next to the father’s face. They were eyeball to eyeball. Tears were streaming down both faces, and the son said to his father, “Thank you for building the kind of character into my life that can enable me to face even a moment like this.” (Ron Lee Davis, “Introducing Christ to Your Child,” Preaching Today, Tape No.92)
Men, I dare you to be that kind of father (or grandfather) to your children. Dare to build into them the kind of character that will enable them to face anything in life. Then you will be a real leader, not only in your home, but among your peers, as well.
