Gary Thomas, in his book, Sacred Marriage, tells the story of a businessman who moved over slightly as a young man crowded into the airplane seat next to him. They both fastened their seat belts, and the businessman good-naturedly asked as to whether the young man was traveling on business or pleasure.
“Pleasure,” the young man replied. “I’m on my honeymoon.”
“Your honeymoon?” the businessman asked, mystified. “Where’s your wife?”
“Oh, she’s a few rows back. The plane was full, so we couldn’t get seats together.”
The plane hadn’t started rolling yet, so the businessman said, “I’d be happy to change seats with her so that the two of you can be together.”
“That’s okay,” the young man replied. “I’ve been talking to her all week.” (Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage, Zondervan, 2000, p. 154; www.PreachingToday.com)
Wow! That man is already tired of his wife. I doubt that his marriage lasted very long, but the sad fact is most marriages don’t last.
A 2007 survey by the U. S. Census Bureau suggests that a couple’s odds of reaching their 25th anniversary are below fifty percent. Divorce rates are up, and the percentage of Americans who marry only once is down. In 1996, 69 percent of men and 76 percent of women had married only once; in 2007, those figures had dropped to 54 percent and 58 percent respectively. (“If You’ve Been Married 25 Years, You’re in the Minority,” Houston Chronicle, 09-19-07; www.PreachingToday.com)
Now, I’m not here to pile on the guilt if you’ve gone through the pain of a divorce. I just want to acknowledge that there are a lot of pressures on couples today to spit up.
Even so, there is a way to divorce proof your marriage, whether it’s your first or second marriage. Despite the increased pressures in today’s culture, your marriage can last a lifetime, and the Bible shows us how.
You see, Mark wrote his Gospel to an audience much like our own today. He was writing to a Roman audience, who faced the same kind of increased pressures on their marriages that we face.
Now, for the first 520 years of the Roman Republic, there had not been a single recorded divorce. But under the Empire, the time of Christ and beyond, divorce was a matter of impulse. Seneca wrote: “Women were married to be divorced and divorced to be married.” In Rome, the years were identified by the names of the counsels, but it was said that fashionable ladies identified the years by the names of their husbands. Juvenal describes an instance of a woman who had eight husbands in five years. (William Barclay, Commentary on 1 Thessalonians, p.199)
Now, how can any marriage last in a society like that? Well, the Gospel of Mark shows us how where it records Jesus’ comments on divorce.
If you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Mark 10, Mark 10, where we learn how to divorce proof our marriages in a society which doesn’t value marriage at all.
Mark 10:1 Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them. (NIV)
Jesus is teaching in Herod Antipas’ territory. According to Mark 6, he was the one who had married his brother, Philip’s, wife. She had divorced Philip to marry Antipas, and John the Baptist told Herod that what he had done was unlawful. Next we hear that John the Baptist is arrested and Herodias asks for his head on a platter.
Let me tell you, preachers learned real quick not to talk about divorce around Herod and Herodias, i.e., if they wanted to keep their heads. The Pharisees knew this, so guess what subject they ask Jesus about before crowds of people in Herod Antipas’ territory. You got it – divorce.
Mark 10:2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” (NIV)
They’re not really interested in an answer. They just want Jesus to say something that will get Him killed like John the Baptist. So Jesus has to be very careful with His answer.
Mark 10:3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied. (NIV)
Jesus answers their question with a question.
Mark 10:4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” (NIV)
The Pharisees thought they had found a loophole in the law. Actually, the passage in Deuteronomy prohibits a man to remarry his first wife after he has written her a “certificate of divorce” and she marries again. If her second husband would die, the first husband can’t have her back (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).
The Law didn’t permit divorce. It just acknowledged that divorce was taking place and set some boundaries around it. It was actually designed to protect the wife from unscrupulous and abusive husbands.
Well, the Pharisees twisted the words of this passage and used it as a loophole to allow for divorce. In fact, they had a standing argument over what that loophole was. The passage in Deuteronomy speaks of a man writing a “certificate of divorce” for something “indecent” about his wife (Deuteronomy 24:1).
The word “indecent” literally means “nakedness” or “shame.” & Some Pharisees argued that a man could divorce his wife for any little infraction he might be ashamed about. Maybe she burned his supper or won last night’s argument. That would be grounds for divorce for some Pharisees. Other Pharisees argued that the “indecency” was the shame of adultery and that divorce was permitted in cases of adultery.
Whatever it was, they were looking for loopholes in the law to allow for divorce. And just like their predecessors, they were going to stubbornly pursue it no matter what the law really said.
Mark 10:5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. (NIV)
He had to put some boundaries in place so you wouldn’t cheat your wives. You see, the Pharisees were not interested in keeping the spirit of the Law. They argued about the letter of the law so they could get by with doing what they really wanted to do.
They were looking for loopholes, and people are still doing that today.
A man and a woman went to their pastor and said, “We’re going to get a divorce, but we want to come to make sure that you approve of it.” This kind of thing happens all the time. Many couples don’t come to their pastors really looking for help. They just want him to confirm a decision they’ve already made. They’re hoping that when they tell the pastor about their “unique” situation that he’ll just say, “Well, if that’s the case then it’s probably best you two split.” They are looking for a loophole, justification for their divorce, even thought they know it’s wrong.
Well, this particular pastor didn’t give this couple any loopholes. He says to the husband, “The Bible says you’re to love your wife as Jesus Christ loved the church.”
And the husband says, “Oh, I can’t do that.”
So the pastor says, “If you can’t begin at that level, then begin on a lower level. You’re supposed to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Can you at least love her as you would love a neighbor?”
The husband says, “No. That’s still too high a level.”
Then the pastor says, “The Bible says, Love your enemies. Begin there.” (Erwin Lutzer, “Learning to Love,” Preaching Today, Tape No. 99; www.PreachingToday.com) In other words...
DON’T GO LOOKING FOR THE LOOPHOLES.
Don’t go looking for reasons to split. Instead, look for reasons to stay together.
Pastor and author, John Piper, suggests picturing your marriage as a grassy field. “You enter it at the beginning full of hope and joy. You look out into the future, and you see beautiful flowers and trees and rolling hills. And that beauty is what you see in each other. Your relationship is the field and the flowers and the rolling hills. But before long, you begin to step in cow pies.
Some seasons of your marriage they may seem to be everywhere. Late at night they are especially prevalent. These are the sins and flaws and idiosyncrasies and weaknesses and annoying habits in you and in your spouse. You try to forgive them and endure them with grace.
“But they have a way of dominating the relationship. It may not even be true. But sometimes it feels like that’s all there is – cow pies.” Piper says, “Noel and I have come to believe that the combination of forbearance and forgiveness leads to the creation of a compost pile. That’s where you shovel the cow pies.
“You both look at each other and simply admit that there are a lot of cow pies. But you say to each other: You know, there is more to this relationship than cow pies. And we are losing sight of that because we keep focusing on these cow pies. Let’s throw them all in the compost pile. When we have to, we will go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can. And then we are going to walk away from that pile and set our eyes on the rest of our field. We will pick some favorite paths and hills that we know are not strewn with cow pies. And we will be thankful for the part of the field that is sweet.
“Our hands may be dirty. And our backs may ache from all the shoveling. But one thing we know: We will not pitch our tent by the compost pile. We will only go there when we must. This is a gift of grace that we will give each other again and again and again—because we are chosen and holy and loved. (John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence, Crossway Books, 2009, p. 59; www.PreachingToday.com)
I like that attitude. If you want to divorce proof your marriage, don’t focus on the cow pies in the relationship; don’t go looking for reasons to split up. Instead, look for reasons to stay together. Focus on the good parts, and…
LOOK TO THE LORD.
Work on becoming "one" with your spouse as God planned it. Remain committed to each other, and stick together no matter what happens, because that’s God’s original design for marriage. That’s what GOD wants us to do.
Mark 10:6-9 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (NIV)
God designed marriage to be an unbreakable union between a man and his wife – a “one flesh” relationship. God joined them together with the intention that no one should separate them.
Now, that word for “joined together” literally means to “yoke together.” In the original language, the picture is of two oxen sharing the same yoke, pulling together in the same direction, working together to accomplish their master’s will.
Well, that’s what God designed marriage to be. It is two people sharing the same burdens, pulling together in the same direction, working together to accomplish the Master’s will “until God by death shall separate them.”
You see, marriage is not two people merely living for each other; it is two people uniting and joining hands to serve the Lord. And if we want to divorce proof our marriages, we must commit ourselves to God’s design and God’s will for our marriages. We must commit ourselves to staying together because that’s what God wants even in those times we no longer want it.
You see, our marriage commitment is first of all to God, then to each other, because there are times when we don’t feel like staying together. There are times when we don’t want to be married anymore.
But those are the times we stay together for God’s sake. Those are the times when we pull and work together because we love the Lord, not so much because we love our mates. In fact, we do it for the Lord when we cannot do it for our mates.
Catherine Paxton once described marriage like a hair-braid. A braid appears to contain only two strands of hair. But it is impossible to create a braid with only two strands. If the two could be put together at all, they would quickly unravel. What looks like two strands requires a third. The third strand, though not immediately evident, keeps all the strands tightly woven. So it is with a marriage. God’s presence, like the third strand in a braid, holds husband and wife together. (Catherine Paxton, Leadership; Bible Illustrator #1621, 12/1988.10)
Now, we’ve all heard that half of marriages end in divorce and that the statistics for Christians aren’t any different than those for non-Christians. But that’s not correct, according to Sociologist Brad Wilcox. In an interview, published just a few years ago in Christianity Today, Wilcox said, “This idea that Christians are just as likely to divorce as secular folks is not correct if we factor church attendance into our thinking.” The fact is “Churchgoing evangelical Protestants, churchgoing Catholics, and churchgoing mainline Protestants are all significantly less likely to divorce.
How much less likely? Wilcox says, “I estimate between 35 and 50 percent less likely than Americans who attend church just nominally, just once or twice a year, or who don’t attend church at all. It is true that people who SAY they’ve had a born-again experience are about as likely to divorce as people who are completely secular. But if you look at this through the lens of church attendance, you see a very different story.” (Christianity Today, October 2006)
The difference is not in SAYING you’re a Christian. The difference is in LIVING OUT your Christian commitment, in this case, as demonstrated by your church attendance.
God is the bond which holds our marriages together. & If we’re going to STAY together, He must actually BE at the center of our relationships. We must be committed to Him first of all. Then we’ll remain committed to each other no matter what happens.
Roger Zerbe suffered from early onset Alzheimer’s disease. His wife, Becky, remembers a journal entry he left for her after a particularly troubling bout of forgetfulness. She writes:
“I picked up the journal on my pillow and read: Honey, Today fear is taking over. The day is coming when all my memories of this life we share will be gone. In fact, you and the boys will be gone from me. I will lose you even as I am surrounded by you and your love. I don’t want to leave you. I want to grow old in the warmth of memories. Forgive me for leaving so slowly and painfully.
Blinking back tears, Becky says, “I picked up my pen and wrote: My sweet husband, what will happen when we get to the point where you no longer know me? I will continue to go on loving you and caring for you—not because you know me or remember our life, but because I remember you. I will remember the man who proposed to me and told me he loved me, the look on his face when his children were born, the father he was, the way he loved our extended family. I’ll recall his love for riding, hiking, and reading; his tears at sentimental movies; the unexpected witty remarks; and how he held my hand while he prayed. I cherish the pleasure, obligation, commitment, and opportunity to care for you because I REMEMBER YOU!” (Becky Zerbe, “Penning a Marriage,” Marriage Partnership, Spring 2006, p. 22; www.PreachingToday.com)
Because of her commitment to Christ, Becky chose to remember what brought her and her husband together, and that kept them together even when he couldn’t remember her.
If we want to divorce-proof our marriages, we cannot be looking for reasons to separate. Instead, we must look to the Lord and be committed to staying together because we’re committed to Him. Finally, if we want to divorce-proof our marriages, we must…
LOOK ONLY ON OUR MATES, and take our eyes off other possibilities.
Focus on the spouse you’ve got, and don’t be looking around at other women or other men, thinking there might be something better out there.
Now, this is what Jesus tells his disciples in private. In public, Jesus had to be very careful about his words, especially in Herod Antipas’ territory. But when he gets alone with his disciples, He can be more candid and straightforward.
Mark 10:10-12 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”
In answer to the Pharisees original question (vs.2), Jesus makes it very clear that it is not lawful for a man to divorce his wife. The fact is: divorce and remarriage breaks the 7th command-ment – You shall not commit adultery (Exodus 20:14).
Now, if this has been your experience, again I remind you my purpose is not to make you feel guilty about what took place in the past. Divorce is NOT the unpardonable sin and in Christ we find forgiveness and a fresh start. My friends, if you’re still bothered by some of the mistakes of your past, bring them to Jesus and let Him wash you clean. Then remain committed to your current spouse, and trust Christ help you make your current marriage work.
That’s the whole point! If we’re married, we should stay married. We shouldn’t be second guessing ourselves. We shouldn’t be thinking, “Maybe I married the wrong person, or maybe I made a mistake.” That’s when people go looking for someone else to marry, and Jesus says, “That’s wrong. That’s committing adultery.”
I like what Zig Ziglar had to say about this: “I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful.
“I’ll be the first to admit that it’s possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all.
“On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person.
“I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.” (Bible Illustrator #1621; 4/1993.7)
If we want to divorce-proof our marriages, then we must ask God to help us BE the right kind of person. We must be faithful as He is faithful.
Don’t be looking for loopholes. Don’t be looking for reasons to split up. Instead, look to the Lord. Commit yourself to Him first. Then be faithful to your spouse, and look only on him or her.
I once thought marriage took just two to make a go,
But now I am convinced it takes the Lord also.
And not one marriage fails where Christ is asked to enter,
As lovers come together with Jesus at the center.
But marriage seldom thrives and homes are incomplete
Till He is welcomed there to help avoid defeat.
In homes where God is first, it’s obvious to see,
Those unions really work, for marriage still takes three. (Perry Tanksley)
